Porn obsession urges and the “fuck it” effect

Have you experienced the “fuck it” effect? If you’re trying to quit porn, it’s very likely that you have.

When we fall off the wagon and find ourselves dabbling in porn again, the sense of failure is undeniable, and often overwhelming. We write ourselves off and curse our lack of willpower. This problem is bigger than us. An extended binging session of porn ogling usually follows.

This “black-and-white thinking” reaction is a natural response. According to Alan Marlatt, director of the Addictive Behaviors Research Center at the University of Washington, “You blame [your failure] on internal factors that you consider beyond your control.”

But many traditional approaches to addiction recovery don’t help us to react in any other way. The 12-step “a drink equals a drunk” mantra is supposed to harden our resolve, but where does it leave us when we do encounter a slip? “Watching porn equals a porn addict”? That’s not a healthy label for maintaining a recovery attitude.

Slipping back into habit does break the recovery dream scenario. Yes we want a profound, road-to-Damascus experience of permanent self-change. We want to grit our teeth, summon all our courage and never revisit the life-sapping allure of pornography. This is the recovery ideal, and for some methods, it’s ideal or nothing.

In reality, recovery presents an ongoing struggle. We take great leaps forward, and inevitable steps backwards. Alan Marlatt reminds us that most people who try to change problem behaviours — whether it’s overeating, overspending or smoking cigarettes — will slip at least once. But slips don’t have to scupper our long-term success. Here’s an alternative view:

For starters, don’t berate yourself for being weak. Instead, tell yourself, “I made a mistake. What can I do differently next time? How can I learn from this?” says Marlatt. “This happens to almost everybody. It’s not just you.”

Coining the phrase “urge surfing”, Marlatt goes on to explain how to remove the relapse threat from urges:

“The urge is like a wave,” he says. “It goes up and down. You don’t try to get rid of it, but accept it and let it pass.” People tend to think that urges will escalate infinitely if they don’t yield to them — but in fact, like a wave, they rise to a peak and then fall. That is, even if you don’t give in, the urge dissipates.

Learning to ride out the urge waves is an essential step in overcoming compulsive porn use. And it’s no bad thing to notice these waves; we can observe them and learn to accept that they don’t have to lead us back to the old rituals. If that should happen, we can understand that it doesn’t have to signal failure and abandonment of hope.

Marlatt’s Time interview is highly relevant and recommended reading. Let’s hope we continue to hear more of his research into “mindfulness-based relapse prevention” techniques.

Related posts:

1. My brain doesn’t know when to stop – Ed’s story