I installed a porn blocker, but still feel addicted - N's story

Submitted by a reader on Fri, 28/05/2010 - 09:54

a reader's picture

Hi I am 14 and I have been struggling with porn and masturbation for about a year now. I have tried everything to stop. I feel ashamed of myself whenever I do it.

I even got caught once by my dad because he saw it on the history. When he confronted me about it I lied and told him that I wasn't. I thought this was the answer - thinking that I wouldn't be able to any more because I would get caught if I tried. I stopped for a week and then broke down and started trying to find a way to delete the browsing history on the computer. I found how to delete it and the next thing I new I was watching porn and masturbating again.

In my next attempt to stop I had a friend put a block on my computer so I wouldn't be able to shut it off. After a few weeks I again broke down and tried to find new ways. I then found out that I could watch porn on my phone and I can't put a block on it.

Please help. I want to stop and if I don't I know I will get caught again. Please give me any tips you have.

Hi N

In trying to kick the porn habit, we can find ourselves playing these games with ourselves. Our rational brain wants to distance us from porn and put blocks in place, but another part of us just loves the challenge. And the risk of getting caught or found out leads us into other games, lying to our parents, friends and ultimately ourselves.

But everyone who has struggled with porn has played these games, so please don't feel bad about it. You've learned a lot from the experience, and have realised that a different approach is required here. That's really positive.

I think blocking tools can still be useful. When the old urges to view porn are kicking in, the internet filter buys you time. It gives you the opportunity to stand back and consider what's really going on here. Yes there's a craving feeling, insisting that masturbating to some porn right now will feel good. At this point, the dedicated addict just caves in and opts for another porn session with no thought of the consequences.

But you can develop more awareness, right in that moment of choice. If I masturbate to more porn, how am I actually going to feel afterwards? How much time am I going to waste? Do I really feel so horny that I need to see porn now, or is the habit pushing ideas onto me? Could I actually be feeling low about something (bored/angry/tired/afraid) and hoping to numb it for a while with porn? The habit doesn't want you to go here (it just wants porn), so by asking these questions you are weakening its grip.

This isn't an exercise in fighting with yourself. It just means taking a deep breath and looking right through the cravings. You can also realise that porn urges can go away by themselves - you really don't need to follow them. All of this is a technique called 'urge surfing', and I recommend Googling that term and having a read.

There are always ways to get round an internet filter, and as you say, porn can easily be viewed on a phone or some other device. But once you start to build this self-awareness, there's no shutting it off. This isn't a magic solution and slips can happen, but awareness helps you to learn even more from them. It's an essential part of any addiction recovery plan.

Thank you for sharing your situation here, and I wish you every success.

I can really relate to your situation but I would still strongly encourage you to stick with some form of content filtering technology. Bear in mind that the more you can create a gap or space between yourself & porn then hopefully you will come to feel more of a sense of choice more of a sense of control i.e. self control.

Many people with a porn habit often report feeling that their behavior has got out of control i.e. we end up feeling a passive victim of our porn habits. Content filtering can help us win back that sense of rational choice, that in reality we are NOT out of control.

The choice to filter internet content i.e. porn has to be yours alone, but I would highly recommend the free porn filtering service offered by OpenDNS which allows you to set specific content types (categories) such as porn, adult themes, sexuality, swimwear, violence, hate, proxy server,etc,etc there are x30 options you can choose from.

**Also with OpenDNS you cannot get around it because it works at the highest level of the internet i.e. the domain name system (DNS).

**Also K9 web protection is another freeware software that offers the same kind of content filtering as OpenDNS but from the local machine level.

**YES! Mobile phone access to porn is yet another frontier of web technology and I havent explorer this side of the problem as yet. Surely its possible to have & use a mobile phone without recourse to using the web aspect of the technology. Once again its down to choice.

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Trying to get a porn habit into perspective which is difficult at the best of times. Therefore its equally important to realize that having web content filtering installed & working is only a part of trying to reach a resolution. Content filtering of porn is only a means to an end its not an end in itself. Its a starting point and so other methods & other work (inner work) needs to happen in concert or along side in parallel to the internet filtering.

**Filtering is only designed to help you by creating a gap, or a space, or a boundary between you and the porn. This is a way to help you see the problem in more rational conscious terms rather than just being driven by pure lust, by pure driven need, driven by just a purely sexual pattern of behavior. Filtering is designed to help you see & feel that you do in fact have a choice.

*filtering or the avoidance of using & viewing porn needs to be accompanied with either counseling or some form of therapeutic work on the problem. Frankly, using porn is not about the porn really. Using porn is always just a symptom of other problems usually deeper less obvious problems, problems which you might already be fully aware, some times the problems are outside daily awareness and thus therapy or counseling can help you become aware of what these things are.

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In other words internet content filtering has a very important part to play in any recovery or healing process but its NOT the whole story. Its only a useful tool, a safety net if you will?

**Even if you break your own tools or filters its NOT the end of the world. Just learn to forgive yourself & move on, one slip does not mean your a condemned man & beating the shit out of yourself is just not helpful.

**Just because you've done some porn does NOT make you a bad person. Like the person not the behavior the two things are not the same. YES! OK its better to avoid or not indulge in porn if you can but to air is to be human. Meaning we all have faults, weaknesses or vulnerabilities too. i.e. nobody is perfect.

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Another observation I would offer here is that 14 years old is a very common age to first come into contact with pornography. Why, is this so poignant because its related to puberty, & in puberty we start to become sexually active & so all matters of sexuality & sex become of great interest. In puberty we want to learn all we can about sexual matters & our bodies hormones are all over the show.

Sexual education is very important & schools do what they can but its almost inevitable with easy access to the internet that young people are going to end up using the web as a source of discovery. However, porn is also the downside of this adventure of discovery and the negative aspect of porn is that porn gives out some very bad or just plain wrong ideas about sex & sexual relationships. People in porn films don't represent the way real people behave in real life of course and so that can be rather confusing when your only 14 years old.

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It's always difficult when teens express problems with porn. Is it compulsive behaviour or is it normal teen behaviour? It's easy to end up sounding patronising as we resort to memories from our own teens and find ourselves saying things like "you'll grow out of it". Yuck!

The problem is that everything is so intense in those years as we wrestle with conflicting emotion and hormones on over drive.

Discovering porn, feeling ashamed about it and being caught by your dad are completely normal teenage experiences (I remember only too well!). But it sounds like you're really beating yourself up about it. I'm curious to know why. Do you really feel controlled by porn or does it conflict with your moral attitudes?

For adults struggling with porn it can be a result of trying to recreate the emotional comfort of our teenage years to make us feel better about problems in adulthood - we use porn to regress us to the age when you are now. This cannot be the case for teenagers so it then feels likely that your reliance on porn (if it's not harmless teenage sexual curiosity) is a result of you wanting to make yourself feel happier from the buzz that it provides. What problems in your life might you be trying to escape from? Are they things that could be resolved, because addressing them would beat any compulsive behaviour much faster than a filter.

Again, let's not forget the natural appeal of porn - naked flesh - it's the ultimate end goal of our desires and drives, particular at 14 when our brains are thinking of practically nothing else. I worry most about the quantity and quality of porn available to teens today. When I was a teen it was really hard to come by so our exposure was limited by availability. Alex's point about giving false ideas about sexual relationships is really important. The porn I looked at when I was younger at least mimicked healthy adult relationships.

So go a little easier on yourself for the apparent 'slip ups' and ask yourself exactly why you think you need a filter. It's a good tool, but somewhere you need to stop yourself if it's really a problem.

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Nic, I wonder if that's really true--that the porn of your youth reflected healthy sexual attitudes and behavior? I agree that the porn available today is probably much more hardcore and disturbing, but I tend to be of the opinion that most, if not all, porn--hardcore or softer stuff--doesn't mimic reality. It tends to objectify the actors/models and focus only on the sexual act in a vacuum. It doesn't speak to the relationship or connection between the two people and, if it does, there still is typically no relationship or connection (two strangers getting together for sex)--so, again, the sex act in a vacuum. That said, it doesn't really prepare teens for sex in the context of an intimate relationship. Which is what feeds the feelings of shame and helplessness and incompetence with the opposite sex, which feed the addiction in adulthood.

I think that if "old school" porn had truly been healthy, there wouldn't be so many adult porn addicts today. I also think there needs to be some much more honest, open sex education implemented so that teens don't feel the need to turn to porn in order to learn about sex. It's our culture's shame over sex in general that makes porn's secretive appeal so much stronger.

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Just wanted to add: Some people might argue that I'm moralizing by saying that porn doesn't prepare people for sex within a relationship, that there's nothing wrong with sleeping with multiple partners. If someone chooses to live his/her life that way, that's fine, but I think there are a lot of people who *want* to have sex in the context of an intimate relationship and find that difficult to do after years of watching porn. Also, in this day and age of fatal STDs, learning to keep sex within the boundaries of a monogamous relationship isn't a question of morality, it's a question of health. And that's why I think we need some serious sex education in schools.

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Margaux I remember seeing porn from the 70's and 80's and watching a lot of it I don't remember feeling shame, hooked, dependant or even feeling that it was affecting my emotions. Some of it is downright cheesy, and compared to today, wow. The stuff today is traumatizing.

That said, I did see some shame-inducing stuff in my teens that did affect me, it was something from Germany that was illegal at the time in Ontario but my brother had somehow attained it. It was definitely more in line with today's porn and disturbing/arousing at the same time and for sure that messed up my emotional health and perhaps how I looked at sex and girls.

If the porn today were like the porn of the 70s and 80s I doubt there'd be a looming crisis of sexual health amongst men and teenage boys.

I do agree more than 100 per cent (if that's possible to agree more than 100 per cent) that sex education in schools is vital. I'm sure many parents would be relieved in the long run. It boggles my mind that all parents know kids learn about this stuff anyways from friends and on the school playground and still the educational systems dance around explicit discussion of sex. Hell, I was a shy nerdy kid in grades 4-8 and I still managed to see topless women on a deck of cards, get ahold of porn movies, porn magazines and have endless discussions of girls and sex with my friends. THis was 25 years ago. Imagine what the non-shy kids were up to? And what it's like today with the internet?

Plus, a lot of kids are at least considering bisexuality these days (especially girls) and to learn about that in a non-shameful way would benefit everyone, gay, straight, bisexual. I'm bisexual and had to work through massive shame to get to a point where I was okay. That depression was one of the reasons I got into trouble with porn in the first place.

Grr. I look back and feel angry about it all. The least adults can do is not shame kids these days, even if they are uncomfortable discussing sex with them. Shaming kids leads to adults who feel shame and that gets men - and women - into all sorts of trouble.

My two cents.

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Hi Margaux,

Thanks for your reply. I don't think you're moralizing by the way - you raise some really important points.

I want to clarify my original point. My exposure as a teen was to simple nude (albeit sexualised) images of women and a video of my dad's which was educational - kama sutra type thing. I would also get off to swimwear pictures in my mum's catalogues. I also knew all the mainstream movies in our home with sex scenes, particularly with breast nudity (e.g. Terminator, Ghost).

This was the most I could get my hands on and I'm sure that if I were a teen again today I wouldn't be limited in the same way - I'm be gorging on the hardest stuff.

So in my personal experience I feel like the porn I consumed as a teen was entirely compatible with normal sexual practices. I feel like any new sexual partner would be completely comfortable (and expectant) to partake of any of the 'acts' I saw as a teen.

This is completely different to what teens are exposed to today and there's a real danger of completely incorrect expectations. Boys expecting girls to perform (or endure) horrid things and on the flip side both genders feeling increased pressures to perform. This is only a presumption but in my opinion it's the context of real relationships that enables me as an adult to analyse what I see in porn.

And on your other point, I maintain that my teenage interest was healthy and I turn to a point in Jason McClain's e-book about some porn addicts developing their problems in an effort to recreate the simpler conditions earlier in their lives. This strikes a chord with me because I stopped looking at porn after teenage until I hit some big problems in my adult life some 5 or 6 years later. It didn't occur to me at the time that I was using porn to self-medicate, but I knew that I was chasing a buzz that I hadn't felt since those swimwear catalogues. I never managed to recreate it.

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I have concluded that there really is no such thing as an OK (healthy) level of porn usage. Any use of porn is probably not such a good thing. Porn itself is all about smoke & mirrors (illusions), its all about fakes & faking it. Porn itself roughly divides into two parts a) the presentation of the physical body as a sexual object & b) the representation & interaction of those bodies in a sexual performance (performance in the sense of a play like in a theater production its got nothing to do with real life). Perhaps I'm stating the obvious?

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The erotic and the pornographic are NOT the same thing. They are "very different" from each other and should not be confused one with the other. The erotic doesn't dehumanize or trivialize human sexuality or the power of the human body, it does not remove the human being & their sexuality from the context of relationships or love. The erotic is not something that is a commodity nor a product, the erotic is an expression of a whole human being including their sexual being (self). The erotic allows for the whole person.

The pornographic is the polar opposite it is reductive & yet illusory, it splits the humanity from the body & its sexual aspects & sexual parts (i.e. genitalia). Porn focuses on purely the look or form of the sexual object with the personality of the actual person removed almost completely. Once a person (model) has been reduced to a sexual object this leave us with a blank (empty) screen onto which we are then free to project our own fantasies onto.

**Actually we can project our own fantasies without the need for porn anyway. We can use our own free imagination to have & enjoy our sexual fantasies, these fantasies are ours to have without feeling any shame or guilt, without any loss of self esteem and so forth. Our sexual fantasies hurt nobody which cannot be said of porn or the creation of porn.

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Hi Alex. I have a different opinion. I think that there are people who can use porn casually without significant negative impact. But perhaps your point is that for an addict there is no such thing as a healthy amount of porn, which naturally I would agree with.

The erotic/porn differentiation is interesting, but how does it help? Can a porn addict look at erotic images without it triggering their compulsive behaviour?

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Hi Nic,

Replying: perhaps your point is that for an addict there is no such thing as a healthy amount of porn.

ANS:- Precisely!!

**The erotic/porn differentiation is interesting, but how does it help?

ANS:- I'm not saying it would help necessarily but I feel its an important distinction of itself in the wider debate about sexuality & porn.

**Can a porn addict look at erotic images without it triggering their compulsive behaviour?

ANS:- Actually someone with a porn habit probably would find just erotic images to be very disappointing or a let down or even not arousing at all. Why? because the erotic image is NOT explicit, it generally doesn't show the genitals. Tends to show the body in partial ways which leaves far far more to the sexual imagination were as porn is like sex with fully stage flood lighting on i.e. you see everything & nothing is left to the imagination.

**The erotic image doesn't allow you to dehumanize the person into purely a sexual object or just body parts. The erotic image some how is a closer expression of a whole real human being flaws & faults included. Contrast that with porn which constantly aims for the perfect sexual object (body) but at the same time removes the humanity of the person.

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The erotic image is not conducive to objectification. Were as the pornographic image's sole function is sexual objectification.

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IMO when you are faced with a real live partner or naked women its actually quite difficult to totally objectify that person. Everything about having a real person in front of you mitigates (goes against) the ability to reduce that person down to just a sex object. May be it is possible but its made extremely difficult when that person doesn't conform to your fantasies or expectations.

Contrast that with the voyeurism of porn images & porn movies were you the viewer can easily & safely reduce that image or model down to an object. Once that image or model has become just an object you can safely project what ever fantasy you desire onto them. They have become a passive screen for your manipulation, your imagination. An object cannot agree or disagree to take part in a fantasy.

When faced with a real women, she is unlikely to remain just a totally passive thing, is quite able to object to take part in any fantasy role play she feels uncomfortable with. Especially if there is pain or extreme control or dis-empowerment involved.

**Unlike a porn centerfold fantasy even the most beautiful, sexy real women may fart, burp or say the most inappropriate things at the most inconvenient moments. And even when making love with the most desirable women sex is still messy and not straightforwards not even mentioning contraception to boot.

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