I feel too tired to do anything... except watch porn - JH's story

I think I've been looking at porn for about five years now, but I haven't considered the idea of being addicted to it until quite recently. Since then I've been going through a constant cycle of trying to go cold turkey, feeling pretty good about it for the few days it lasts, relapsing (if that's the right word to use) and then looking at porn daily while hating myself about it until I decide to try and give up again.

That happens about 2-3 times a month, and it's really fustrating. I would love to quit it outright and even just cutting down how much I look at it would make me feel a bit better about myself. But it's just not happening and I don't know why. It does make me feel pretty pathetic though.

At one point it was helpful for stress relief, but now there doesn't seem to be anything that triggers me wanting to look at porn. What seems to happen is that if I'm at home, I can't think of anything else to do and I'm not likely to be interrupted, I'll look at porn. It's time I'd rather spend reading books, playing video games or revising for my upcoming exams, but as stupid as this sounds I tend to feel 'too tired' to do any of those things, yet apparently not tired enough to masturbate while looking at porn. And then I'll feel guilty/ashamed about that which takes my mind off things for the rest of the day.

As I said above, I hate myself for having this problem, I've even had some suicidal thoughts because of it. Even just admitting this problem is hard - it's taken me an hour just to write this! The idea of having to admit these problems in real life scares the hell out of me, let alone having to tell my parents & a therapist. Hell, I'm sure they'd all be very supportive, but I'm still worried about what would happen - especially since I've got my A-level exams coming up and I'd rather concentrate on those if possible.

I'm gonna try and quit again tomorrow - I managed to last for about 4 days a couple of weeks back so I'm hoping this time I'll be a little bit more successful. Sorry if that was too long or made no sense whatsoever, this is the first time I've ever talked about this and I think I just went overboard with it. Anyway, thanks for reading.

Thank you JH for sharing your feelings here. I'm right with you about the sheer scariness of facing up to all this.

Addict, relapse, porn obsessed, out of control... the last thing we want to do is acknowledge any of these things in our own lives. We beat ourselves up, feeling pathetic, weak, stupid and embarrassed. Emotions of self-loathing and hopelessness can run painfully deep. It's part of the inner conflict, making it so tempting to try to deny the problem instead. But by airing your feelings in this way, you've squared right up to the issue. And I know that nobody here will view you negatively at all. You've described a cycle of emotions and frustrations that most readers will fully relate to.

For most of us, kicking the habit requires taking some form of deliberate action. Rather than not doing porn, otherwise known as cold turkey, it's helpful to focus on doing something instead. That something might be installing an internet filter, reading up on the issue,  journalling your feelings and trigger moments, talking to others or any of the other actions that can form an effective recovery plan.

Remember that cold turkey attempts at quitting are the beginning of your recovery process, even when they don't work out. We've all been there, and it helps us to fully realise the challenge that lies ahead. We can learn from relapses; what triggered the slip? How was I feeling and thinking? What could I have done differently? How can I actively prevent that happening again? Relapses are inevitably frustrating and regrettable, but this mindset helps to take something really positive from them and keep moving forward.

Talking to someone about this is recommended. It's important to realise that you are far from alone, and opening up to someone you trust can really help a lot. A good starting point might be any of the confidential advice lines listed below. Above all, it will help you to get a fresh perspective on your relationship with porn, and the other priorities that you currently face in your life.

With just the slightest input from another person, it's amazing how much more confident our outlook can become. We can fully realise that overcoming porn addiction is within out own power.

I wish you every success.

Get Connected - Free confidential telephone and e-mail helpline directly connecting young people to services that can offer help and support, whatever the problem.

Tel: 0808 808 4994 (1pm-11pm every day) / email: help@getconnected.org.uk

Brook - Free and confidential advice and services specifically for young people under 25.

Tel: 0808 802 1234 (Monday to Friday, 9am-5pm)