Breaking free of the porn habit – Alex’s story
Alex kindly shares his account of porn compulsion through our What’s Your Story page:
This is my story. I developed a porn habit from the age of 14 years old when I was at school. Like many teenage boys porn was something that you inevitably came across and had to deal with, I wasn’t very confident with girls and so porn became an easy option sexually.
I have struggled with my porn habit for many many years (well over 30years now) going through phases of more or less intense use of porn. When I got a computer & access to the internet my porn use became far more of an obsession or a compulsion (i’m not sure I would call my behaviour an addiction as such?).
I amassed a very large collection of images & film clips and DVD movies, I must have spent several thousand hours searching for images and several hundred pounds on films.
But in the end I felt more and more alone, empty, depressed and started to have fairly bad migraine headaches about 24hrs after using porn. I felt increasingly disconnected from myself really. In the end I came to feel that my use of porn was all meaningless and all completely pointless, I became completely sick & tired of using porn, and I had to finally admit to myself that porn actually made me a very unhappy person. I also came to realize that using porn IS a choice and that I could stop using porn if I wanted too.
I have managed to let go of my porn habit by choice and having regular weekly therapy has been a big help. I have chosen to stop hurting myself & stop hating myself. Finally I recently took the final step & destroyed my large collection of images and DVD’s & I do feel much happier for it. I have broken the shackles of my habit. I would say to other men that you can do the same as me, I’m nobody special when it comes to porn use. It IS possible to break the habit of porn use and it is possible to like yourself and to forgive yourself for the past. Using porn doesn’t make you a bad person.
It really pleases and encourages me to hear from people like Alex. This is a moving account of release from a deeply negative experience, and I’m extremely grateful to him for sharing it here.
Many readers will be able to relate to those lost hours: the intense searching and archiving of internet images and film clips. Collecting and hoarding porn can become an obsession. Sometimes, it’s as if the addicted instinct is acting autonomously. You’re not sure exactly why you need to gather so much porn, but you just have to do it. CD-Rs, DVD-Rs, second hard disks, USB drives, that folder cunningly titled ‘work spreadsheets’… the porn collection becomes a much prized stash and an object of loathing at the same time.
Many recovering addicts admit that they didn’t often watch the porn they saved either. The thrill is in the search, the chase. In failed attempts to quit the habit, they may have deleted every file… only to begin a new collection days later. It’s a strange, solitary game.
Now here’s the good news: a key part of recovery is acknowledging the reality of those wasted hours, and then moving on. “It is possible to like yourself and to forgive yourself for the past” explains Alex, and he makes an extremely important point.
Recovery means rediscovering the value of choice. Each time an addict loses himself in porn, he has chosen to do so. It may be the self-destructive choice, and it may have become so instinctive that it no longer feels like an act of choice. Escapism, distraction, numbing pain, desperation, frustration, craving for routine, craving for stimulation… these are all common motivations for dedicating lonely hours to porn. Whatever the underlying cause, it remains an act of choice.
This is good news because it means you can always start making different choices. Breaking this cycle of bad choices takes some effort, motivation and a willingness to accept change. It needs recognition that you developed an addictive problem for some reason, but it’s a problem with a beginning and an end. It’s perfectly natural to experience degrees of guilt, shame and resentment for your habit. The process of recovery often means fully experiencing these emotions, and then allowing yourself to move on, learning from the experience and leaving the addicted past behind. It’s about focusing on new goals, and this choice is available to us all.
Thank you Alex, and I wish you every success in your ongoing journey.
Related posts:
Change to Recover & Heal. (23/03/08)
**When you are driven by your porn habit. The porn habit has you, it is controlling you, you have lost self control. This is
the nature of a compulsion or chronic pattern of behavour.
**When you reach a point of feeling that using porn is causing you more pain than pleasure. Perhaps its time to move on
and to allow change?.
**Deep down change IS possible, YOU can change, If I can do it I’m sure you can too! it is possible, the choice of how &
when to change is yours alone.You alone have the power to end this porn habit, you can take back control over your
felings and over your behavour, over your life and over your relationships. But YOU have to want this.
**To change is to “let go”, to change is to grow (to grow up you must leave behind the toys of childhood),
You will only change yourself when you are ready, when the time is right and not before. Nobody can force you.
**I made changes inside myself because I wanted too, I just wanted to feel OK about who I am nothing more, my
reasons were and are very simple. I just didnt want any more pain, no more depression, no more migrains. No! more
shame, no more guilt, no skeletons left in my cupboard. Now I feel a greater sense of inner calm & peace than I have felt for many years.
Alex
You guys ROCK! Thanks a million.