First time admitting...

Submitted by Tree_Hugger446 on Wed, 02/03/2011 - 04:59

Tree_Hugger446's picture

My husband IS an ADDICT. I don't know if he CRAVES it. He's never lost a job due to his use. No legal ramifications. Simply...me. His porn use (in combination with my alcohol use) has driven a wedge between us.

He prefers young girls. I bought pink dresses, wore pigtails, long calf-length socks for him. All to be what he wants. I hated myself and every moment of it.

--This being said:

I find myself obsessing - OBSESSING - about the pictures I've seen on his computer and videos I know he's watched. We used to watch porn together until I found pictures of my 13 year old girl cousin on his computer. I am disgusted by his behavior regarding underage girls. But I can spend hours searching for videos I know I've seen on him computer or searching for images I THINK he'd like or be turned on by. Then I masturbate to them. Afterwards, I feel terribly ill. I've actually vomitted twice because of it.

Is this considered a form of addiction or some sort of illness? I know it's sick. I sometimes think the only option is to get a divorce and leave him behind. I can break away from my fears and paranoia if we weren't together. I know he COULD change. I don't think he will. Even if he did, I'd still be suspicious of going to the store with him and having him check out little girls. Driving through highschool neighborhoods makes me queasy. I doubt that feeling will ever go away for me.

What do I do? Does this have a name? A diagnosis? Perhaps a prognosis?

I can't believe I've admitted this. It's the first time and it's only because it's relatively anonymous. Thank you for being available for me and my sick head.
~L.

Hi Tree_hugger,

I should say that I'm not an expert, just someone with a fair bit of experience of addiction (porn and alcohol) who has tried various help groups etc over the years. So Jason might have a different view, but I think your problem would typically be described as co-dependency.

Co-dependency is a vague term but I'd call it "getting off on a partner's addiction". This is more than two drunks sharing a bottle. The co-dependent is kind of addicted by proxy - he or she gets off on the addictive behaviours of the other person. So even if you feel like you are obsessed with porn just like your husband, your obsession revolves around him and his behaviour rather than your own connection to porn. That's how I understand your explanation, and it does sound like classic co-dependency.

So we kind of have two problems here: his addiction and your ongoing reaction to it. Does he know how hurt your obsession makes you feel? I'm assuming he doesn't know that you also find yourself looking at the same porn?

He could change, but your intuition says he won't. That sounds pretty clear to me. He doesn't have to change in order for you to heal, but you'd need to leave him and his behaviours behind. Perhaps you need a totally clean break from him. Then you have a real opportunity to deal with your own feelings and fears. Over time, you'll be able to consign all this to history and come out stronger.

I'm hearing your pain here and I hope this is a useful start.

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Hello. Thank you for your quick response. I need the support today.

I have been told I'm co-dependent before but didn't quite know if I fit into the description I was given. From what you have described, I would absolutely agree that I have some co-dependent tendencies.

My husband is fully aware of how his addiction has hurt me. This past year was one of the most difficult years of my life - in response to his addiction to porn (and my drinking.) -In a counseling session with our first of many marriage counselors, I admitted to him that I was viewing his preference of porn material for my own purposes. The therapist didn't give it a name or try to help me discern WHY I was doing it - simply that I needed to stop. Well, no shit, lady. I fired her shortly after that. (She later told me that my husband's interest in underage girls and my reaction to it was all due to my insecurity about my body after the birth of my son and I needed to begin an exercise regimen and begin dieting. The quack.)

I'm in AA and have a month and a half sober. I'm trying to use the steps to help relieve some of the pain of my husband's addiction but some days are just tough. There aren't very many people who are willing to listen and offer sound advice rather than just to hear themselves speak. I'm so glad I've found this forum and I'm grateful for your response.

Good luck to you.
~L.

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Hi Tree-Hugger welcome to the site, hope you find some of the posts useful. I'm only in the first stages of trying to recover from porn addiction having been using since I was 12, I'm now 35!! I'm lucky in a way that my addiction has never impacted on a partner but realise that it must be incredibly difficult for you. I'm not a counsellor and have not been in your situation but I know from using this site and expressing frustrations and thoughts and exploring our triggers and minds that it can help with our situations.

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This feedback will keep me coming back for more support, guidance, advice, and wisdom. Although you may not be a counselor, you have experience that can help a fellow addict or someone who is effected by an addicts behavior. Keep that in mind. Your opinion counts. And I thank you for it.
~L.

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Hey Tree_hugger, I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through. I also got obsessed with my boyfriend's porn addiction but in a different way. I don't think I was codependent because I never really felt the urge to masturbate to porn or seek it out, but I used to spend a lot of time scanning his computer and internet history when he was out. I really got obsessed, almost to the point that I felt like something was missing if I DIDN'T find any porn on there... though that rarely happened. But my point is there was some codependency going on because I was letting his addiction dictate how I spend my time, and I know how strong the obsession felt.

And yeah, I did did look at the videos I found on there. It was mostly lesbian films and I would tell myself that I was trying to understand what his obsession was all about. Did the porn turn me on? I've always been ok with porn so maybe it would have done, but my anger and hatred for his habit got in the way of any other feelings. Again it was like I wasn't looking at porn because I wanted to. It was like I was being driven by his habit, trying to get a handle on why I wasn't enough for him. It hurt me so much.

Sorry for rambling. My point is that I split with him over this, and I think you should seriously consider it. And that therapist you saw reminds me of other bad stories I have read on here about therapists. His addiction to 13yr girl porn is because of YOUR body issues? What kind of bullshit is that?!?

My ex didn't go for underage porn (well I never found it anyway) but the "teen" sites he visited sometimes looked borderline. It made me worry about ever having a family with him, let's just say that. Another reason to ditch him maybe. Would you ever be able to trust him enough?

It's good to hear about your alcohol recovery, especially with all this shit flying at you at once. I'm sorry if everyone is saying "dump him" because if he's like my ex there must be good things about him that you don't want to lose? But this problem is too big and you have to put yourself first...

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A very sincere thank you for sharing with me. I can absolutely relate to being obsessed with searching for videos even if there was no evidence of them in the obvious places. That often led to even deeper and darker secrets he tried hiding from me.

When I look back at the times I found the most hurtful images and videos, I wish I'd taken a timeout, took a deep breath, and really thought about my reactions. There are so many things I would have done differently. I would have been more meticulous about what videos or images came first in his search. I want to know what triggered the underage girls or what led him to that. The last time I found porn on his computer was 4 months ago. I did a search for avi files and as soon as I saw ANY at all, I freaked out and left him. Packed all of my belongings and took off without saying a word. (I left some clear evidence that was wasn't pleased, however) -I wish I had searched for pictures of underage girls. The videos I found were of teenage looking girls but they of course looked a lot younger. Because he denies he has an infactuation with underage girls, having that as additional evidence to the contrary would have been my weapon in court against him for custody of my son. But because I acted soley on my body's reaction - disgust, shame, and fear - I fled instead of doing a full search to see exactly what it was that I was dealing with.

If we didn't have a child together, I would have left him the very first day. That same hour. Having my son complicates this so much. Divorce is sticky enough without babies but when I think about custody and parental rights, I get so damned depressed. I take it one day at a time. Which is not always easy.

Thank you for your support. Reading your words gives me strength. I can use as much as I can get.

Good luck to you.
Thanks again.
~L.

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Speaking as a guy who is addicted to porn, I can understand his weakness.
However, you have to do what is right for you. Congratulations on leaving him.
You didn't just flee him. You made a decision to do what is right for you. I believe your own actions had much more to do with trying to sympathize with his addiction rather than your own desires.

Having a child does indeed complicate a divorce. It always does. Have you thought of taking your son to see a counselor? Simply about his feelings on the divorce.

I don't want to frighten you, but...

If your son is around 'that' age, this could be a dangerous time for him. A father who has this sort of addiction. Already upset over a divorce. Natural curiosity.
It could possibly spell a recipe for disaster.

Perhaps you could arrange family counseling and bring this up. Make it a condition of joint custody if necessary.

Always remember, you are not alone in this. And you are stronger than you realize.

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