Psychotherapists at London’s Portman Clinic have been dealing with compulsive sexual disorders for a very long time, often working with severely troubled clients. But the boom in internet sex since 1997 has taken them by surprise.

Clinical director Stanley Ruszczynski says that the number of patients who are either addicted or otherwise adversely affected by online porn and cybersex is ‘phenomenal’.

There’s something about the internet… I imagine that 20 years ago some chap somewhere was sitting there with a very strange perversion that he probably thought he had all to himself. But then he gets on the internet and finds there are 33 sites where other people are doing something similar. So suddenly something that was quite contained is automatically normalised. I think this is a real issue.

I’m particularly intrigued by this comment from Heather Wood, psychotherapist and chief of research at the Portman, about compulsive porn seekers:

There’s a part of them that feels bad about themselves, and they may feel a need to do something that makes them feel worse.’ She finds another addictive analogy, with gambling. ‘You might think that a gambler is trying to win, but sometimes what emerges in the course of therapy is that the gambler is hooked on losing. There’s some sort of masochistic gratification in leaving themselves impoverished and empty-handed. Something similar can happen with pornography; sometimes it’s about compounding a feeling of self-disgust.

The whole article really is a fascinating read.

In this grim economic climate, employees are facing the very real prospect of redundancy and possible closedown. All staff are being consulted, and nobody knows who the first casualties will be. Tensions throughout the business are running high.

Just like any switched on enterprise, there is a company policy for internet use. This applies to the office, and remote home workers. No Facebook outside of lunch hour, no explicit or offensive sites; standard HR rules.

At this difficult time of looming redundancy, you might expect some bending of the rules. Exceptions are being made for job sites, recruitment forums and the emailing of CVs. But what else has my IT manager friend noticed? A growing amount of porn sites are appearing on his activity report.

So how do we explain this? Why would employees take such risks, especially at a time when their careers are under dire threat. The answer is that for some individuals, porn has become a primary coping mechanism.

Sex therapist Dr. Aline Zoldbrod puts it like this:

Which would you rather do right now: agonize about whether you are about to lose your job or your home; take on some unpleasant but necessary household or yard task that you used to pay someone else to do; open your investments statement and find your savings are down 40%; or sit in front of the computer, look at unnaturally sexy women doing outrageous things, touch yourself, and be transported directly to the pleasure center in your brain?

For many people, reliance on seeminly harmless coping habits can prove damaging to their long-term prospects. The insecurity of potential redundancy can be numbed by surfing porn. The reality of becoming unemployed can be numbed too. The discomfort of finding a job or retraining can be numbed. You can see where I’m heading here; it’s a downward spiral of avoiding painful reality.

A final quote from Dr. Zoldbrod:

None of us likes stress, and most of us procrastinate in various ways. But guys, back away from that mouse.

You can read the rest of her excellent article here.

“BitchBuzz” founder and self-described sex expert Cate Sevilla rejects the implications of the study:

“I think that there are a lot of men out there that look at and watch porn online that are perfectly healthy - it’s just a part of their sexuality.”

Cate accepts that problems arise for those who are “depressed and have problems with sex addiction, where the Internet becomes their playground.”

“They use it as a way to unwind, to destress, and many of them may not even realize that they have a problem.”

“Using sex or masturbating as a way to destress isn’t unhealthy - it’s when it becomes your only way and you’re a bit obsessive about it that’s the problem.”

Cate reminds us that despite the startling statistics, it’s important to keep the issue of porn addiction in perspective. This is a valid point.

However, I’m not so sure that the Australian study attempted to prove that all men who look at porn inevitably suffer. It did highlight that the connection between an obsessive porn habit and depression should not be underestimated.

Guys who seek out online sex have “alarmingly high” rates of depression, anxiety and stress, according to recent research.

Surveying 1325 American and Australian porn and cybersex users, the study revealed:

• 27% were moderate to severely depressed on the standard depression scales
• 30% had high levels of anxiety and 35 per cent were moderately to severely stressed, which is of course extremely high
• They spend an average of just over 12 hours on the sites each week - mostly chatting, participating in cyber sex with webcams, downloading video and images, or sending erotic emails.
• The more heavily they engaged in online sexual activity, the higher their level of depression and anxiety

Marcus Squirrell, a doctoral student at Swinburne University of Technology in Melbourne, said it was possible that depression levels were high because the men were spending so much time online and not engaging with people socially.

“But there’s also a chance that depressed people are spending time on these sites to help lift their mood or reduce stress.”

I have always liked porn, ever since I was lent some videos when I was 15,16 and what a thrill it was! At that age it’s quite harmless, you’re wondering what sex is all about etc and gave me a good education, if i’m honest, losing my Virginity wasn’t a problem after watching them!

Anyway fast forward 7 years or so, I have been looking at the same sites looking at anything might interest me.

To me it is boredom, I read anything that interests me (newspapers, sports, music) … and then I start creeping over to porn sites… or celeb sites. I think it’s a habitual, when I was studying, I would have a “porn break” .. luckily it didnt interfere with my studies as I got a very high grade, of which i’m very proud. But now i’m still in that cycle but now looking for work, i’m bored of looking at job sites so I then creep over to the porn sites…. to be honest I do believe they just bore me now, but I still view them out of my own boredom. Nothing is new and nothing shocks me.

I like to say too, I have a girlfriend that i’ve been dating for the past 2.5 years, so it isn’t through lack of sex or anything. Dunno if I have a high sex drive, or recently when a couple are comfortable with each other, sex diminishes or loses it’s excitement.

I suppose i’m trying to summise my position and make sense of this porn I view….. After seeing this site tonight I read the blog section and with tips and advice. I particularly liked the DNS server idea, which i’ve signed up to and put a porn filter on. I think this will really help cut this viewing porn out.

Hopefully I will find a job, spend more time and immerse myself in activities, alleviate the boredom. When i’m on holiday or away from the computer for a long period, I really dont have the urge to view porn, doesnt even cross my mind.

I just feel that perhaps I do spend time on porn sites when i’m at home, and feel I should be using my time better.

Sorry if this is a bit disjointed, but I feel like this is a moment, and gathered all my thoughts together, and nip a potentially snowball situation in the bud.

Will power, and thank you for this site, which I will frequent to keep reminding me to steer clear of the dark side of the internet… which is probably 80% of it!

Cheers!

From my conversations with guys struggling with porn, the vast majority would agree that they are totally bored with the stuff. This is why the problem can seem so illogical and bizarrely frustrating.

We can invest so much time and effort into seeking out or collecting porn. For what? To flick through images in seconds, or fast-forward through most of a porn movie, right to the closing credits. Many guys experience this numbing, futile chase. “That was boring… let’s find some more…”

The porn stopped being interesting a long time ago, but we still feel instinctively attached to this familiar routine that removes us from our reality for a while. In many ways, this marks the line between compulsive habit and healthy appetite or curiosity.

Plenty of readers will relate to your mention of celebrity sites too. For the guy who is trying to restrain his porn tendencies, celebrity eyecandy can become porn-lite. This is quite common, and should only be problematic if celebrity or glamour images lead back into irresistible porn territory (”It’s just pictures of women…”) or become a further object of compulsive viewing. During a period or recovery, the growing distance from the porn mindset will gradually alleviate this issue.

Replacement activities really are key to overcoming porn addiction. As you say, a holiday from the familiarity of the computer or day-to-day environment can prove just how little appeal pornography really has. But so often, we return from holiday and instinctively pick up where we left off. Building up other, long-term interests and priorities is an essential part of recovery.

Thank you RT, for your positivity and realistic, balanced observations. I wish you every success.

So I read Mike Elgan’s observations at Datamation.com with interest. He lists the striking parallels between Election Addiction and Porn Addiction, and brings some intriguing insights to the whole topic.

For people struggling with porn, some of Mike’s observations are right on target. Let me explain…

“Election Addiction is justifiable in part because it’s rare and temporary”

We often find ourselves using similar justifications for porn habits. This is particularly applicable when we’re getting the stuff for free: shared P2P downloads and torrents, rare passwords, hacked paysites and videos posted on non-pornographic sites that will surely be taken down at any moment.

Many addicts will recognise the internal reasoning: “Yeah I’m cutting down on porn, but this file/site/download is RARE! It’ll never be available again… if I don’t download it now… just this one file and then I’ll quit…”

Nothing stirs up our gotta-have-it instinct more than access to rare or ’special stuff’. In recovery, we really start to wonder what all the excitement was about. It’s embarrassing really.

“Like Online Porn Addiction, Election Addiction is fueled by skilled professionals”

Hollywood produces 400 feature films a year. According to Adult Video News, the porn industry churns out 11,000. That’s big, lucrative business.

The porn industry drives technical innovation. Porn drove the VHS video market and it also drove broadband internet; it now looks likely to influence the next generation of movie format, which it has chosen as HD-DVD.

So we’re talking about a sophisticated and savvy industry that continues to expand. Compulsive consumers are repeat customers, to put it mildly.

“We’re unprepared for it because some of the Internet applications are so new to us. New Web 2.0 tools like Digg, YouTube and Facebook are enabling Election Addiction like nothing the world has ever seen”

And for every Digg, YouTube or Facebook, there’s is now a porn equivalent with many thousands of participants.

Porn video sharing, webcamming communities, porn bookmarking, porn blogging. There’s no shortage of web 2.0 porn resources to feed our habits.

Which leads us to the next observation…

“It feeds off of the Election Addiction of other people. It’s viral”

Many of us remember the old, pre-internet days of feeding those porn urges. Seedy bookstores and sticky cinemas, often operating on the fringes of the law. Awkwardly shuffling past other customers was the only contact we had with fellow porn enthusiasts.

Things are different today, of course. The slick and socially connected sites put porn in a very different light and on the whole, that’s probably no bad thing. But for people struggling with porn, it provides additional, deluded justification.

“Camming… homemade porn… DVD-ripping… everybody’s into it.” Bored with vanilla porn sites and movies, more and more people are making their own. Filming themselves or their (often unaware) partners, they contribute to sharing and voyeur communities.

For the compulsive porn user, this means an endless source of fresh porn, and some regrettable experiments with their own cameras. Again, recovering addicts look back with cringing embarrassment.

I’ll wrap this up with a final quote from Mike Elgan:

The Internet is simply the Mother of All Enablers, providing a medium through which addicts can indulge real addictions, including porn, gambling, news, video games and socializing (a.k.a. social media addiction).

At least in a few weeks time, the election fever will die down and avid watchers will get on with their lives. For porn addiction, there’s no such end in sight.

I’m 32, just got married 3 months ago, we love each other.  Before we got married, my husband told me that he like to open porn website and I accepted him and I thought that it’s normal for a guy.  After we married, I found a lot of his porn download video collection in his computer.  When I asked him, he said that video could make more intimacy between us.  Once again, I accepted his reason.

I love my husband, he is faithful and never cheating, I trust him. What make me pity of him, his sleeptime is changed now, he’s easy to get tired because he spent a lot of time in front of his computer by watching or downloading porn video or some politic news. He awoke in very early morning and again he downloaded porn video.  It made me unhappy that when we watched tv show together, he seem that he was concerned about his download porn video, made him not concentrate for our tv show, he was back to his computer.

After we hang out together, he always said ‘Can we go home now?’ and after that he’s back to his computer and enjoying his porn video.  I feel like that I’m his #2 and porn video his #1.  I never doubt that my husband never cheated to somebody, he is lovely husband. I don’t want to change him but I do want him to change his addiction.  Can you give me advice?  thank you

When a new boyfriend or husband is initially open about their fondness for pornography, it’s easy to accept that this is just something that guys do. And that’s certainly true - many men and couples do look at porn, without damaging their relationships or intimacy. Unfortunately, his interest in porn might already be out of control.

Your husband may have been compulsively collecting porn for a long time. When he tried to justify his habit by talking about the benefits to your relationship, he may have been trying to convince himself too. Addicts continually try to explain and justify their habits in their own minds. When a relationship or marriage comes along, they might try to sell the delusion to their partners.

At first, their justifications can be very convincing; he might feel desperate to somehow balance the new married lifestyle with his solitary behaviours of the past. As you have found, this becomes an impossible situation and the partner becomes a casualty of the bizarre conflict.

Addicts do find themselves living in a state of almost constant tiredness. As well as the late night porn surfing sessions, their energies are drained by the permanent state of anticipation for getting back to the computer. As you have found, guys can be at work, watching TV, playing sport or even out socialising - as long as there is porn downloading at home, they are distracted by the buzz of anticipation.

In recovery, guys are usually staggered at how much mental energy they wasted on the empty pursuit of pornography. It’s embarrassing for them. The fact that they could have continued living in the addiction bubble whilst their relationships and careers fell around them is ultimately a very scary one.

As you say, this painful situation is different to traditional ‘cheating’ because he is still around the house. Partners of porn addicts experience the emotional neglect, disappointment and sometimes the self-blame of a cheating husband, but retain the small security of knowing there is nobody else involved. Either way, you are entitled to a better relationship and lifestyle with your husband than this.

The first step in addressing this problem is to honestly tell him exactly how his behaviour makes you feel. Explain that you feel like you come second to porn in his life, and this is definitely not the relationship you chose. He really needs to understand this.

If he responds with the ‘intimacy benefits’ argument or tries to discount the problem with ‘but all guys are the same’, simply refuse to play the justification game. Explain that this is a very real problem in living with the man that you love.

If he acknowledges the problem, this is definite progress. If you are both able to openly discuss your feelings, you will be able to explore possible reasons for his habit. It may be an old coping or escape mechanism that really is not needed any more, but has become too ingrained to recognise and let go.

Ideally, he will take responsibility for this problem and agree to take some positive steps in facing up to it. It may be useful for him to make a counselling appointment, or research the many helpful resources available online.

Recovery is often a step-by-step process, and there can be frustration and some painful realities along the way. It certainly is achievable though, and loving relationships can be rebuilt. Thank you for sharing your story with such openness, and I wish you every success in taking these important steps now.

But there’s always a positive aspect: the ongoing media coverage of the wider problem. For example, a great article appeared in The Sun a few days ago.

Steve Cole, Addiction Services Manager at the Cygnet Hospital in London, explains one of the most common symptoms of pornography addiction:

“It means it can be conducted in secret and the wildest fantasies can be lived out online. Addicts may start to spend more and more time online, amassing collections of pornography.

The partner of a sex addict may not even know what their other half is going through, but bizarrely a big warning sign is usually when they stop wanting sex.”

He also offers sound, practical advice for facing up to the problem:

The first step is recognising there is a problem and then seeking help from an addiction counsellor. And he stresses that it need not be a dedicated sex therapist since the mechanisms of addiction are the same.

He says: “Addiction therapists will look at addiction across the board whether it’s drugs, alcohol, gambling, shopping or sex. The sufferer may not experience actual withdrawal symptoms but will still need time to detox from the compulsion in a safe environment.”

I should add that ‘detox’ from porn addiction is not about private clinics or therapy retreats… unless you have the finances of a Hollywood A-lister. As part of a recovery plan, we can all take steps to create our own ’safe environment’. I’m planning to blog some more on this very soon.

It comes as less of a surprise to the guys who are caught up in this trap. For them, the novelty of porn is long gone. It doesn’t even feel sexy anymore, except from the occasional buzz of discovering some new niche or fetish (a troubling trend in itself, but we’ll leave that for another blog post).

So why do guys keep doing it? Why continue to invest such vast amounts of time in porn, all the while diverting their emotional energy away from their relationships and real lives?

Well, the answer lies in that diversion. Porn is an escape mechanism, albeit a hazardous one. For so many people, the routine of seeking and absorbing porn distracts us from the things in our lives that we’re desperate to avoid. When pressure or anxiety builds, so does the allure of pornography.

This article in the Daily Telegraph illustrates the point nicely. Jonathan Alpert, a Manhattan psychotherapist has seen a threefold increase in the number of Wall Street workers seeking help for their sex addiction as the economic meltdown gathered pace over the last six months.

Jodi Conway, a sex addiction specialist based across the Hudson River in New Jersey, explains that the financial meltdown has triggered the “maladaptive coping mechanisms” of bankers. Among her clients in recent weeks are Wall Street financiers who have been caught looking at pornography on their work laptops as share prices tumbled.

Mr Alpert counsels his patients to confront the reasons for their addiction and then helps them with other methods of alleviating stress, like taking more exercise or improving their diet. He says:

“Like many addictions, you have to help sex addicts question the purpose it is serving. They’re using it to escape from the anxiety and pressure caused by the crash of the market. They like to live on the edge.”

Of course, we still have a choice. This is an explanation of the drive behind porn addiction, but not an excuse or justification. We all have options for how we de-stress and get through difficult times. The process of recovery means learning to recognise and act on these options.

Final thought: people who have a dependence on pornography are not bad people. They are just people who are hooked on a very strong drug and who need to make new choices.

They could start off by looking at McClain’s website at www.quitpornaddiction.com which promotes his e-book but also has a link to his blog with lots of good, free information. If you are married to somebody with a pornography addiction, you will find much here to interest you as well.