Day One, Hour 3(ish)
Hello, internet. My name is Daniel, and I am a 17 year old porn addict. My story here is probably quite typical. I started looking at porn when I was 15-ish. I don't even remember when I started anymore, because it was such a long time ago.
I'm not sure if it's gotten to the point where it is truly destroying my life, but with today being Valentine's Day, I realized that my girlfriend of 4 months now, (a truly wonderful, fantastic girl) deserves better than somebody like me, a person who regularly looks at naked women years older than me, who objectifies women, who actually has favorite women on websites doing disgusting things. In all honesty, I feel angry at myself. Angry that I got addicted in the first place, angry that I have betrayed and lied to my family, angry that I keep coming back to pornography, angry that I have let my fellow Catholics down, angry I've let my parents down.
Anyway, today I decided to make a change. I just finished looking at a typical porn video for me- let's say there was a couple having sex on the beach in one tab and a gangbang in another- and I had a realization about how sick porn is. I've tried to quit before, but with my only accountability partner being... myself, I never got far. So, my dear friend internet, I'm pressing you into service.
I read on... you... (o.k., this personification is getting weirder every minute) that pornography activates the same pleasure centers as drugs do, except, well, better. Which kind of makes sense from evolutionary standpoint, I guess. So it's not going to be easy to quit. But I've got to do it, mostly so that I can tell me girlfriend of six or seven years from now that "Yes, I did look at that filth when I was younger, but I've been 'clean' for six or seven years. You're the only woman for me, and I'm sorry I ever looked at that stuff." Plus, porn is harmful to relationships, at least according to http://artofmanliness.com/2009/05/11/the-problem-with-porn/ , which is one of the websites that helped motivate me to quit.
So this is an accountability journal. When I screw up (I inevitably will), you'll know. The hope is that I'll be able to get through this with your harsh, biting criticism and induced shame. So don't hold back. I'm optimistic now, of course, seeing as I looked at porn no less than a couple of hours ago and won't have any urges to do so again for a day or so. Plus, I recently got a new computer, and the motivation to never "taint" it will probably help (on the flipside, I can always just go back to my old computer, which I still have. This is what I've been doing, actually. Fortunately, the hard drive sounds like it's about to fail. So... yay?).
Right now I'm debating installing K9... though parental controls are useless without a parent, so I'm not sure what I'll do.
Anyway, this is day one, hour 3(ish). Thanks for supporting me, interweb. It's time to finally kick this!
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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You are right that porn
You are right that porn addiction can be very destructive. I can relate to this and it's good you're trying to do something at such an early stage. You are very young though, so don't beat yourself up too much!
Be careful with the moral judgements too. Remember porn is designed to press our evolutionary buttons. It's not so much the porn itself that's the problem, but more how and why you use it. In my experience low self esteem was one of the contributing factors that made me vulnerable to porn addiction, and feeling guilty about looking at porn actually makes it harder to quit, IMHO.
For what it's worth I would advise focusing less on labelling the content of what you've been looking at "bad" and just focus instead on the behaviour that you want to change.
PS it gets easier after the first 5 - 7 days
Thanks for the advice!
I especially appreciate that last part- "I would advise focusing less on labelling the content of what you've been looking at "bad" and just focus instead on the behaviour that you want to change." That's going to be the goal.
Day 2
I found out today that it seems the entire world conspires against those wanting to quit a bad habit. Let's just say television is a bad influence (duh), but so are all of scantily-clad women in... everywhere. I was reading an article about early cinema, and it mentioned that in the early 1920's in the US, there was very little censorship, and movies were free to explore sexual themes and blah-de-blah-de-blah. To drive its point across, it included a picture of a 85% nude woman (that percentage may not be totally accurate). It's harder to avoid temptation when it's everywhere. So for the next couple of weeks at least, I think I'll avoid media, computer use in non-public places and books about early cinema.
Otherwise, I think today went well! When I was tempted, I sequestered myself in a dull, sleep-inducing place, in a dull, sleep inducing position... and fell asleep (surprise!). So, probably not the best method for avoiding temptation (I can't always just sleep! I'll need real self-control at some point.), but it's a start, right?
as the guy above said, you're
as the guy above said, you're very young, although come to think of it, porn addicts are getting younger and younger, which is indeed very worrying.
anyhow, for a young man you're obviously very clued up on things, i agree with you about temptation being everywhere, although of course your hormones are running riot too which doesn't help.
i'm nearly 30 so i don't have to worry about the hormone thing, been there done that! but yes, temptation is everywhere + it can be very difficult to ignore.
for me, it's about getting a girlfriend, i mean let's face it, us blokes need sex (as well as women) we're only human afterall. but it's not just sex obviously, it's love and affection too, which porn will never provide.
keep us updated on your progress
neale
Indeed.
You're absolutely correct, and the young-if-ication (youngering? juvenilization? I know there's an actual word for this) of addicts of all kind is a problem. I myself know of at least two cocaine addicts around my age (and a prescription drug addict two years younger than me), and I judged them harshly, until I realized I was exhibiting the same behaviours with porn. I recognized I had a problem when porn started desensitizing me to sexual crimes, when I started spending more time on the computer than watching movies with my family, and when I started treating some of the girls in my life almost as objects.
Anyway, that was a rant.
But the best point you made was probably that last one "it's not just sex obviously, it's love and affection too, which porn will never provide." I was just reading that that disconnect contributes to desensitizing, and later sexual crimes. And that's why I'm determined to quit.
Thanks!
Day 4
So today was actually pretty easy. Partially due to spending almost the entire day in public, surrounded by critical eyes, and partially due to having a ton of work to do, so no idle hands ("Idle hands are the devil's workshop" Haven't you heard?). But yesterday was difficult. I got close to giving in (but didn't, thanks to some timely interruptions caused by the HP automated BIOS update, which made my computer unusable for a good 20 minutes- long enough)
Oddly enough, recently, I haven't felt as tempted. Maybe it has something to do with the accountability I now feel, maybe it's a hormonal thing. Maybe it's just me being too lazy and sleep deprived to do anything but the essentials. Whatever. I just hope I'm able resist any temptations for the next few... decades.
Anyway, Day 4. That's something. I'm not 100% sure I've ever gone this many days, but I think I'll be waiting a few more days to break out the bubbly (metaphorically speaking- I seem to have an addictive personality, and alcohol wouldn't help), because I'm not 100% sure I haven't.
Day 6
So here I am. I'm fairly certain that today marks an achievement for me. Six days doesn't seem like much, I guess, but I'm still proud of it, because it means that maybe the future is going to be addiction-free.
See, thing is, I've never made it this far, and this is far from the first time I've tried. I don't know if anybody is actually reading these anymore, but as long as it seems like they are, I'm still going to feel accountable. So, I think I owe everybody here, my invisible (and in some cases, not so invisible) accountability partners a thank you.
I might be celebrating a bit too soon, but somebody mentioned that the first week was the hardest, and that's almost over. So I'm going to give myself a pat on the back.
Thanks again, all.
Good work 935, keep it up. I
Good work 935, keep it up. I remember how long 6 days took, seeing as I relapsed a few times... I really think that first week or so is the hardest to stay on track. Not that it gets exactly easy after that (emotional balance takes a while to correct itself) but at least for me the cravings did lessen quite a lot.
Thank you, kind sir
You're right. The cravings are much lessened. I just hope it's a permanent change.
Day 9
Actually, this might be day 8. I'm not really sure anymore. As over_it mentioned, emotional balance will probably take a while to correct itself. But I think I'm definitely getting there. I also think that my journey, short it may be, as prone to relapse as I may be, was easier than most have it. I can't say why, but I think having the support of a community helped a lot, especially seeing as I'm usually a loner. I may be a little too optimistic, but, I think as long as I have support, or at least accountability, I'll be able to get through.
But I keep thinking back to what caused me to turn to porn originally. I've always assumed it was curiosity. Looking back, I think that emotional stress caused some of it- you surely all remember those not-at-all logical teen emotions- and I'm mostly worried that emotional stress could drive me back to it. Thanks to new friends who are more reliable than my then-girlfriend, though, along with a slightly more mature way of dealing with emotions, I'm not too worried about it. I don't want to generalize or blame others, but maybe sometimes they push you over the edge, even if you walked up to it in the first place.
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