Caught my boyfriend multiple times- so lost
This is a letter I wrote expressing my feelings to my boyfriend that I have yet to give him and am debating on giving him... ( I appologize in advance for the length of the letter.)
(for a brief background we have discussed me finding porn on his laptop multiple times and his excuses are everyone does it, and i do it to relax when your not around, but no matter what I can't get it out of my head that I'm not good enough, I can't even enjoy sex anymore.)
I would just like anyones ideas, advice, or for anyone to help me feel less terrible in any way please. and opinions on if i should actually give him this letter. thank you.
I love you, but this bothers me too much. I know you watch porn at least once a day possibly/probably more, and it drives me nuts, I know you say all guys do it, but you don’t realize the effect it has on me at all. I’m not okay with it. It makes me feel awful about myself, like I’m not good enough. I freaking live with you basically, yet you need something else to get you off. It makes me feel so shitty. And not only that but half the time we have sex it doesn’t even feel like were connected. Its like you wish I were someone else or are pretending I am and it hurts. I hate it.
I still think about it all the time, every time you put me so you can’t see my face (from behind) that’s all I think about, that your imagining some other girl. Majority of the time I only enjoy half of whatever sex we do have and fake the rest because I can’t focus on it, I’m too worried I’m not enough for you. I really want you to stop or at least try to, but I know you don’t care too. I obviously have trust issues with you over larger things that we've had happen in our relationship, but now I feel like I can’t even trust you by yourself.
I go to go to sleep in another room occasionally and unless i'm drunk I can’t even fall asleep because I guarantee once you kick me out your not sleeping, your watching porn. You take too long in the shower and I worry that’s also what you’re doing instead. It’s sometimes even hard for me to sit in the same room as you while were both on our computers and not be able to see your screen. That’s how much I don’t trust you.
And even though you delete it off your comp I’m not stupid Bob. You must do it almost everyday because I go on your internet every other day on your comp even if I only Google one thing. The next day I go on and all the history is gone including the harmless puppy pictures I Googled a day or two before… you don’t think I know why you cleared the history completely? That can’t be healthy Bob and even if its not that bad as you say, I don’t care it hurts my feelings. I even saw you went on chatroullete one time, it makes me wonder if you’re talking to actual live naked girls online? Which the mere thought of makes me want to kill myself. You used to tell me the reason why you did it was because I was not around. I live with you now Bob, which makes me feel even worse that you still do it. I’m always around; I must just not always good enough.
It just sucks because now you hide it from me, so now yet another thing I don’t get to trust you about. It’s just really hard to deal with all of this and I guess I wish we could take a break or something because its driving me nuts, and I can't handle it. I can see you being the one for me in the long-term view of things, but not with this problem. Therefore, I’m not positive if you’re the guy I want to be with forever, but I know for sure the guy I end up with forever will respect how I feel about porn and won’t do it or hide it from me.
I really don't want to end things, but I know I can't go on like this forever.
Thanks for reading.
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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Sorry no one has replied as
Sorry no one has replied as yet. I will do as soon as I can. I find it hard to get on to this site when home and obviously cant when at work. I should be able to answer in a day or two though.
Right
First off, this is very hard to advise as its obviously only from your perspective and your letter at points is alluding to things that have oocured between you that he's obviousuly aware of, but I'm not.
I would say that from what I can guess, he has probably cheated on you in the past and obviously this means you dont trust him much. His deletion of his history confirms the porn side of things (though you could put a keylogger (Google about it) on the computer to find out exactly what he is watching) and chatroulette is not somewhere you go for a stimulating chat about particle physics. My limited understanding of it is that its a place for people to jerk off in front of other people. Most people on there are apparently male and are apparently naked from the waist down. But I've never been on it so I dont know for sure.
I "personally" think that the way you are speaking (about killing yourself if he is talking to a naked woman online) and the way it appears he has acted in the past and he is acting now, that you should move on. You've told him you dont like it and he's continuing. Everyone doesnt watch porn and you can "relax" in lots of ways other thank jerking off. If you need to jerk off (and yes it relaxes) he can do it using his imagination or with you. He shouldnt need stumulus and saying everyone does it is BS and is just aimed at making you appear to be wrong, when in a loving relationship, the person who is going off to look at other people on line and getting turned on by them to the detriment of their partner is clearly the one at fault.
I dont know the guy as to wether your letter will help or not. It might make him think you are nuts and blowing it out of proportion (which is his probable defence, he seems to be into making out what he is doing is normal - its not) and would make it worse. It might make him change... who knows. Depends if he loves you enough. However, it sounds like he's cheated before and it sounds like he is cheating still (because looking at other women and jerking off over them is hardly staying true to your girl).
You could say "its porn or me", it might work or it might not. Even if it works, it might just be for a while, as trust me, its a very hard addiction to break. I am trying to quit and I'm finding it hard. If I didnt really want to, then no way would I. It doesnt sound like he wants to and he doesnt seem to have a problem with it.
So, if he has cheated on you and if he is looking at porn and women on chatroulette (you dont go there to talk to people about fashion), then you need to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are worth more than this. Find someone else who will appreciate you and who wont cheat and who wont be spending their spare time on porn and who loves you. Relationships take effort from both sides to work and it sounds like even at this early stage, only one of you is putting in that effort and I cannot see Bob all of a sudden realising he loves you loads more and wants to quit his porn and be a model husband to be. Relationships suffer strains and they get harder at times, so if its hard right now, I just dont see how it can get much easier.
However, I dont know him at all, a=so what I am writing is just my perspective. I'm also way, way tired and writing this in bed hardly able to focus, so I may be writing a load of drivel. Bottom line though is porn is an addication. If HE doesnt want to quit then he wont no mattter what you say and his addiction will get worse and not better. I doubt your relationship would survive that longer term.
Good luck. I"m happy to answer any questions... especially when I'm less wasted.
Okay... a little less tired
Okay... a little less tired this time.
You do seem desperatley unhappy and your boyfriend doesnt seem to be aware of that, or if he is, he doesnt seem to be doing much about it.
It does sound like Bob is addicted to porn and is justifying that addiction by the "everyone does it BS", which is not true. It sounds like he is also getting into webcams which tends to be a downward spiral. It also sounds like he has let you down in the past.
I think you should think what it is you want to change in the relationship, in what time frame you want that change and what you will do if it doesnt happen. I think staying as you are will just serve to make you feel more and more worthless to the point that you might actually feel like ther eis no point to your life anymore. You must not let his actions make you feel like that. The problem is with him and his inadequacies and not you.
So, if you want him to stop, tell him that he has one more chance and if he lets you down again (as I'm afraid he almost certainly will) then you will go. Or, you can just go and find someone who hasnt betrayed your trust in the past and who doesnt spend time on porn. There are millions and millions of men out there, some are even pretty nice. It sounds like you need some serious TLC to remind you that you are desirable and there is nothing at all wrong with you.
Take care and I hope it works out for you and I hope that you end up happy and feeling loved again.
His Change to Make
Hi Hopelesslylost,
Thank you for sharing this poignant account. There are a number of points to make here, so I'll try to tackle them succinctly.
Firstly, I don't believe that porn is inherently bad. In my experience, a great majority of people can use it in a way that adds rather than detracts from their life and relationships. That's not to say that individuals and couples can't have rules around it. Despite my opinion that using porn is 'ok', I also believe that it's fair for an individual to say to a partner "I don't like porn and I don't want to be with someone who uses it".
Sadly, it's rare for someone to express their desire for a 'porn-free' relationship at the start. Instead, it's more often the case that months or years into a relationship this becomes apparent and then both individuals look to the other to compromise.
It's also important to recognise that in a minority of cases, an individual's porn use can get out of control. That is the case for most of the people using this site. For a variety of reasons, their behaviour has gone beyond normal and has become destructive - perhaps affecting their work, finances and/or relationships. In all probability, this person is very aware that they have a problem.
It's not clear from your letter which is the case here. To masturbate daily or view porn daily is not (in itself) evidence of a destructive relationship with porn. However I would argue that this is the wrong way to look at the situation. Instead, we should focus only on your needs. (I think it's a mistake to assert in your letter that he has a problem).
I felt that your letter was quite strong in this respect. You spend a lot of time talking about the way it makes you feel - "it bothers me so much", "I'm worried I'm not enough for you", "I can't handle it". This is a good start, but I think you should try to focus on the practical changes that you give you confidence. For instance, if making love in doggy-style causes you to assume he's fantasising about someone else, then tell him you want to avoid this position for a while.
The next point I want to make is about the medium of a letter. This is not the ideal way to have this conversation. It doesn't get your point across in the best way and it creates a more confrontational situation. Critically it's 100% one way and doesn't give you any insight into how he feels. This should be your last resort.
I would suggest this....Re-write the letter taking some of this advice on board but don't give it to him. Then ask him if you can talk about your relationship and specifically about the porn. Choose a time and place that has a sense of neutrality about it - for instance, it's probably better outside of the home where all the memories are, but if you have to do it there, choose a room where he doesn't look at porn and where you haven't already discussed the subject.
The experience of writing the letter will have helped you to get to the bottom of exactly what you don't like about the porn - is it the sense that your sex life is unsatisfactory, that the porn actors impact your body image, that you don't have 'couple time' etc. You can use this knowledge to have a decent conversation with him, focussed on how it makes you feel and understanding why he does it. If he doesn't want the conversation or he leaves it prematurely, that's the time to give him the letter. If the conversation goes well, throw it away.
To summarise - firstly, get clear on what the 'problem' is. On the evidence of your post alone, it's not necessarily the case that your boyfriend has porn dependency issues. Next, if you didn't agree before the relationship that he wouldn't look at porn, it's not fair to criticise him for it now. However it's not too late to raise your concerns with it. In that respect you should focus on how it makes you feel and the practical impact on you - sex life, 'couple time' and so on. Finally you should discuss the problem rather than give him a letter. Be open to compromise - he can still look at porn if your emotional and practical concerns are addressed.
My very final point is this. Be prepared to walk away from the relationship if you believe your needs will not be met. He should do the same. It will be painful, but in the longer term you will both be happier. If you are totally against porn within a relationship, then be clear with future boyfriends up front - you're more likely to find a guy who wants to use it than one that doesn't.
(double post - deleted)
(double post - deleted)
I think Nathan's right
You have to find a way to talk to him about it, and be very firm in where you stand on the matter. I've been through this and I, too, used to prefer to write letters rather than talk to him because he was so good at manipulating my reality with all his lies. My thoughts were more organized when written than when in a face-to-face with him. However, he's the one lying, he's the one sneaking around, acting like a man with a guilty conscience, on a daily basis. There's no real reason why you shouldn't be a little bit indignant (not aggressive or confrontational) and ask yourself,'Would a healthy person in a healthy relationship tolerate being lied to by his or her partner?'
This(porn)is something he likes to do...why should he stop? Obviously your level of unhappiness is tolerable to him. Do you really want to find out much more miserable you have to be in order to catch the attention of a porn addicted boyfriend? That level doesn't exist. He won't hear you.
This has nothing to do with you, even though you're experiencing it on a very personal level. Do everything you can to focus on your needs, your life, your friends, your self. Be strong. Good luck.
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