Givenup has kindly submitted her frank account of living with a porn-addicted partner:

I was once married for 7 years to the man that I am now just living with. I accidently ran across his car trunk full of porn videos at that time. Had been wondering why I felt something was not right. Did not know until then that he would watch them late at night in his room. We slept and still sleep in seperate rooms due to his job as a truck driver and i like it quiet to be able to sleep.

Needless to say, we divorced in 2005 and got back together in 2007. He had stated that while we were not together he had dated other women, ALL that he had meet on PORN and SWINGER singles sites. Swore that all contact had been broken off! NOT true, Every night that he is home and off the road or when ever I leave the house to shop he is on porn sites. He is even downloading the pictures to his cell phone, has his computer hooked up to cell to enable chat with them. He is a recovering alcoholic. From my experience when a person w/COD gives up 1 habit, they acquire another, be it good or bad. Yes, I have worked w/Dual Diagnosed Clients.

I have confronted him with this issue he has now shifted the blame and the person or partner feels defeated. He states that he finds it fascinating to look at and is in denial of any problem with it. States that i am the one w/problem and do not know what I am talking about and if “I only knew”. Get real, facts are facts, i see it for what it is. He has NO other hobby and only “girl” friends that he can relate to. I find him up until 2,3 and 4am. And, yes this is how he relieves himself and makes no romatic moves towards me.

I have no problem with my own self esteem as I do take care of my looks. This has been going on for a year-ever since I came back. I am short on money at this time so, will put up my own boundries and go on as it is until I can move out. There’s no sense in fighting with someone who will not even admit to their problem. It only makes your own life more miserable. I can not see the justification of what he does and will never be able to. He, in his own mind wants us to get married again. I do not see this happening, as stated before, “His life revolves around PORN”. Any way he is able to get it, at all costs.

Would love to hear any input on this situation. Or, just maybe this might help someone else going through the same thing. thanks-Givenup

You make a very valid point here about the transference from one addiction or compulsion to another. It’s not uncommon for someone with a history of alcoholism or drug addiction to develop a damaging relationship with pornography. This certainly applies to people diagnosed with co-occurring disorders (where addiction is connected with a secondary personality disorder), but also to our ‘everyday’ bad habits and routines too. When we’ve come to rely on a habit to distract us from some personal pain or fear, that habit becomes intensely precious to us. Circumstances may force us to break the habit, but If we are unable to address the underlying pain, we are always at risk of picking up a new obsession.

The misery of divorce can sometimes serve as a wake up call for addicted husbands. When he gets a second chance, it really can go either way. He may have been sufficiently disrupted to take account of his behaviour, and used the opportunity to make real changes. If not, he may feel like he’s won some kind of victory. His deluded logic will feel justified - “so it was her problem all along, and now for business as usual…”.

You make it clear that sadly, your relationship falls into the latter category. He reacted to the break up by further engaging with porn sites and further indulging his delusion. His ongoing reliance on blame and denial games would indicate that he continues to seek avoidance of the real world. We can only guess what the underlying issues may be here, but his insensitivity towards your feelings is tragically apparent. His expectation of any possibility of remarriage under these circumstances is just a further indicator of delusion.

When addiction renders the relationship so desperately futile, there is sometimes no option for a partner but to move on.  As you say, it can reach a point where there is no benefit in fighting with someone who refuses to see the problem, especially after so much painful fallout. You have dealt with the inevitable insecurities that partners so often go through, and there is positivity to be taken from that. You are entitled to your own recovery. By this stage, he is fully aware of how his ongoing behaviour offends you, but remains too locked into pornographic titillation.

Thank you for your story. I wish you a timely and successful release, and hope that your partner eventually achieves his own liberation from addicted routines.

DB kindly shares his account of first coming across porn sites, and how easily a distressing obsession can develop:

I had little interest in porn before the Internet, I had never even bought a pornographic magazine.

My problems started around 3 years ago when my health began to fail due to a still undiagnosed neurological condition. I was off work for around 6 weeks and spent most of that on the internet researching my symptoms, most of the medical stuff utterly depressed me. I convinced myself I was serioulsy ill. Mentally I was all over the place and was prescribed Diazapam, an anti epileptic drug and anti depressants. I began looking for anything to take my mind off my health and followed some porn links that popped up on my yahoo messenger.

I spent days trawling this site and the sights they linked to. I then progressed to downloading films  from share sites. Ever since, I have spent hours looking at porn, sometimes the stuff on my computer, sometimes online porn and sometimes one would lead to the other.

It began to take over my life, I began neglecting my wife, choosing instead to stay on my computer and would go to work on little sleep only to do the same thing the next night. My neurological condition seemed to come and go, but when it was bad I’d drink whisky and take diazapam to feel better and then inevitably end up back on my computer in a trance like state.

I’d think about porn all day at work and would dream it at night. My self esteem got lower and lower, I just felt like a zombified slave.

As time went on, I became more indiscrinate about which links I followed and came accross unsavoury sites. Stupidly, I had let my virus protection run out and got infected with all sorts of viruses that would load up pages I didn’t want to see including some that really disturbed me.

I realised that generally the material on the net seemed to be getting more and more unstable and risky yet I just couldn’t stop. I began to realise that I had a problem but was too embarassed and ashamed to talk to anyone about it. The crazy thing is I loved my wife and didn’t feel the need for anyone else I just couldn’t stop browsing.

A month ago we had a baby daughter and I used this positive aspect as a focal point. I purged my computer, bought virus software, I have installed net nanny with all porn blocked and I am in the process of changing my ISP to BT who apparently black list and block nasty sites.

The change I have felt in the last 4 weeks has been extraordinary, I feel liberated, I enjoy my time with my family and wife infinitely more and I genuinely believe that I will never look at porn again.

Can I just add that I admire what you’re doing, I don’t think poople realise just how dangerous the internet has become. It appears to be absolutely saturated with all types of porn and I thinks it’s getting worse. I’m not sure what the answer is, but as far as I’m concerned the easiest way is to avoid it entierely.

A harmless search for online distraction that became an overpowering addiction to pornography; I often speak with people who have run into this very problem. Temporary escapism from illness, unemployment, financial worries, relationship difficulties, bereavement; let’s not deny it: porn certainly delivers. An instant realm of anonymous, unlimited fantasy and distraction just a closed door and a few clicks away. But there’s a catch, and we all know what that is.

Anything that we turn to for escapism has the potential to become addictive. Just consider how many hours we spend in front of the TV. For the reasons I just touched on, internet porn is dangerously engaging. Unlike drugs or alcohol, we can’t get physically hooked but the ‘porn session’ buzz can be disturbingly similar. You mention the trance-like state, the neglected sleep and the creeping desire to explore stronger stuff. Porn addicts describe an otherworldy buzz, a feeling, a taste in the back of the mouth, a slipping of time. We’re talking about a surge of brain chemicals here, after all.

Despite all this, it pleases me to read the very positive side of your story. With a new arrival in your family, you’ve been able to build on the positivity and fresh start surrounding this lovely event. All of this, combined with self-awareness and genuine motivation, has empowered you to be completely accountable and take deliberate action for change. It’s great news indeed.

Thank you for submitting your story, and for your words of encouragement. I wish you every ongoing success.

HT has submitted her story of living with a porn-addicted partner, and the ongoing despair that it has caused:

I am a 23 year old mother of two beautifully wonderful children. I have a wonderful husband of 3 years. When it all started 6 years ago we would watch porn everyday. When things got serious between us I started having issues with him looking at it. (I have self esteem and repressed anger issues of my own) it started after we moved in together and got cable. our cable bill skyrocketed he would rent movies while i was asleep next to him, buy magazines, read erotica, surf the web every chance he got (I even started talking to an ex again with him in the other room and he was too engulfed in his search - he didn’t even know i was on the phone, and i made sure i talked loud enough he could hear me).

When i got pregnant with our son i put my foot down and we split up. we remained apart for 9 months. I never thought he was really a porn addict, so after we got back together i would joke about him being an addict to friends and family. I was hurting him and didn’t know it. i thought things were OK it had been 3 years since he had looked at it or so i thought.

Two days ago it started again, I came home and found out he had not hid his “evidence” very well. So of course i blew up. got divorce papers, tried to kick him out and he would not go. he admitted that all my joking was real and that he really was a porn addict. i was devastated. I know an addict has no idea how it feels from the other side. I felt betrayed, hurt, unworthy, and unloved and unappealing. i felt like i was not good enough to look at so why should I stay. Then he reassured me that he loved me with all his heart and asked me to help him with his addiction so now here i am asking for someone to help me help him because i don’t know what to do. I have never dealt with this before. This is my cry for help because he thinks everything will be OK if we just talk about it every so often but i think it will take more then that.

Thanks HT for sharing your situation and feelings with such openness. It’s certainly not unusual for a partner’s porn habit to cause a series of unhappy rifts in a relationship, often over the course of years. All the time, he’s trying to both protect and avoid his compulsive behaviour, and his partner tries to hold things together in the face of all this conflict, neglect and hurt. This can become a horribly prolonged experience.

Your story higlights two of the factors which are so often present in this situation: blowing up and ridicule. Unfortunately, both are factors that generally serve to compound the problem rather than resolve it. Of course, this is absolutely no criticism of your reactions to your husband’s behaviour. These are a partner’s instinctive reactions to a desperate problem. Every couple who has been through this emotional rollercoaster will recognise them well.

With the devastation of discovering a husband’s secret habit, or his continuing obsession after promising to quit, it’s completely natural to hit out at him with rage and accusation. There’s logic to it too; perhaps he will begin to understand the pain that his habit has caused, and an opportunity for change will open up. Sadly, the addiction is usually too strong; his barriers of denial will come up and he’ll return to his habit for consolation. It’s the only place where he really feels in control - this is the bizarre nature of porn addiction.

Making light of the problem with friends and family is a common reaction too. For the partner, it is an attempt to find some support outside of the relationship. Let’s not forget how lonely and hopeless an addict’s partner can feel. It can also be an attempt to humiliate him into facing reality and changing his ways. Again, this inevitably has the opposite effect. He will return to the oblivion of porn, feeling even more wronged and tormented.

In essence, these reactions are all part of the horrible ‘porn addiction game’. You are forced to be persecutor and he gets to be victim, which is the favourite role of any addict. Through rows, emotional distance and solemn promises to really quit this time, couples become locked into a cycle of despair and hopelessness.

The very hopeful news comes towards the end of your account. Painful as it is for you both, his honest acceptance that he has an addiction is a positive step. By requesting your help and offering real discussion, I would suggest that there is definite potential for you both to move forward. However, you are completely correct - open dialogue between you both is essential, but there is a lot more to be done.

Lasting recovery requires genuine motivation on his part and a clear action plan over the coming weeks and months. For both of you, it is a step-by-step process of rebuilding confidence and intimacy. My recovery plan can certainly help provide these steps, along with clear options for him to understand the drives behind his compulsive behaviour. Also, there are some excellent resources recommended on this site. It’s easier said than done, but my key advice at this stage would be to recognise any sign of ‘persecutor’, and try to channel your frustration into a more supportive role. My guide also expands on the options for partners to achieve this.

I wish you both every success in rebuilding your future together.

R explains her despair and frustration at living with a pornography addicted partner:

It is really so hard. My partner is completely addicted to porn. I really just want out of the relationship but financially it is impossible right now. So I feel totally trapped. I have tried to reason with him about his problem but he just blames me. saying that he has to feel good somehow. He also has an anger problem. It all started when I discovered his porn use early in the relationship. I was heartbroken because I felt I had given myself to him heart and soul only to discover that he prefered a computer image to me. But i forgave him as he promised to stop.

But he didn’t. the evidence was continually on the computer. He doesn’t seem to have any regard at all for the pain he has caused me. In fact he doesn’t even think it is a problem. I have lost total respect for him and just see him as weak and selfish.

I have felt compared to pornstars and have gone from feeling sexually vibrant and free to feeling unnatractive and repressed. I have well and truly had enough. I look at him and all i see is sleaze. We share a child together though which makes it so much harder.

For a long time I thought I was the problem and now I know the truth. having a relationship with a porn addict is like having a relationship with half a person. They are not mentally or emotionlly available at all. I often felt like he was sleeping with another woman because his focus was so distracted all the time but it was just the porn. it’s almost like he’s in a relationship with it. I KNOW it’s not my fault but the pain is really hard to deal with. and being angry is not fun either. I am angry because his selfishness has caused me so much pain and it’s even impossible to speak my truth because he turns it into a mind game argument twisting and turning everything. He disempowers me. any advice on dealing with these emotions would be great.

I’m sure that many partners will be able to relate to the emotional pain and disempowerment that you so clearly describe here. Thank you for sharing your story.

You are aware that you are not the cause of your partner’s destructive habit, and I’d like to completely agree with you in this respect. From my own experience of working with addicts and their partners, the causes of the habit always lie elsewhere. Unfortunately, the addict very often seeks his own justification by blaming his partner, only adding to the deception and cruelty that porn addiction brings to a relationship.

‘Half a person’ is a very apt description of the porn addicted husband or boyfriend. He’s still around the house, but emotionally living on automatic pilot. He’s numbed and distracted; just going through the motions until he can get back in front of the computer. The one sure way to get him fired up is any attempt to intervene between him and his solitary routines on the internet; the resulting rage and sulks can seem completely out of character. Partners so often find themselves questioning what happened to the guy they fell in love with.

The addicted state has its own set of coping mechanisms, and all of them wreak havok with relationships. We’ve already touched on the delusion of shifting blame onto the partner. There are all those promises to quit too; these may be well-intentioned, or empty words just to get you off his back. Either way, the lack of any real action or conviction just makes them hollow, desperate ploys.

Compulsive addictions thrive on mind games, and the unfortunate partner will come to recognise three repeating roles. Self-pitying promises to quit arise when the addict plays victim. Blame shifting happens when he shifts from victim to persecutor, and tries to gain advantage by fighting back. This is when the anger blows up. With sufficient damage done, he can even shift again to rescuer, explaining that everything would be ok if you just gave him space, let him do as he pleases, etc. He’s now the victim again.

For partners, it is indeed difficult to avoid playing along with the porn addiction games. His addicted logic will be expecting you to shift between these three roles too, in endless rounds of tit-for-tat and despair. The alternative to these games feels like giving in; blinding yourself to the problem so that he can pursue his fantasies and routines at leisure.

To break out of these games, I advise a stance of almost-clinical detachment from the problem, with a clearly set deadline for change. It’s a delicate balance; my Porn Game Over recovery guide explores this topic further, and the links section on this site recommends other useful resources for partners. There’s a place for offering support too, but this will only benefit once he breaks out of denial and honestly accepts the problem; otherwise, he’ll just play victim.

I hope that this brief summary gives some perspective to a horrible situation, and I wish you every success.

NC kindly submitted an account of his own addiction experience, and it raises some intriguing points:

I always thought my story was a bit different as I never considered myself addicted to internet ‘porn’. I was however slavishly addicted to locating and saving images and videos of women doing everything from posing for tourist photos to indulging in S&M practices. Nevertheless, over the years I must have amassed tens of thousands of examples in which women are the ultimate providers of titillation.

This all started when I first got behind an internet connected computer of my brother’s about ten years ago. I was unaware of things like internet history so after a couple of late night sessions he started to check. I quickly became devious in the art of covering my tracks and in the process became a bit of a windows OS expert. When I got my first proper PC about two years later I’d literally spend every night scouring the web for more images. The S&M thing began to take over and I found myself acting out web scenarios with my partners. This usually involved them dressing up in ludicrous ’sexy’ outfits and administering me corporal punishment. She would say she didn’t mind but I eventually knew I could barely enjoy sex without S&M. Not all my partners were into it, so I rarely hung around with ones that didn’t. I knew I had a pretty strong fetish addiction but as I lived alone I never really challenged myself on it. It just seemed the best way to spend a quiet night after a couple of drinks. Sometimes I’d stay up till dawn or use recreational drugs to aid the experience though the best ’sessions’ were when I’d come home with a new fantasy to research and get straight on the computer. The rest of my life I managed to keep separate from the addiction.

When I met my current partner some 5 years ago we started acting out S&M fantasies quite regularly. She was young, attractive and tall, and I loved being dominated and made to carry out perverse acts on ‘her’ behest, though I always controlled their nature and content. There was a strong link with these role plays and the results of my hours spent trawling the net. She made the understandable point that sex wasn’t just about S&M fantasy so I retreated somewhat. The death of my mother coincidentally brought about the end of the fetish sex with my partner, though I continued to spend many hours on the internet.

Moving into pastures new I found women’s clothing worn by beautiful models to be equally satisfying. I’d now comb the web for legitimate sites of women in fur coats, gloves, high heels, whatever took my fancy, though still never pornography as I considered and still do consider that degrading and cheapening. When it came to moving into together I knew my internet passions would have to go underground if they were to survive. Any time my partner was out the house for long periods I’d log on and use the variety of secret methods I’m sure other readers are only too familiar with, in order to horde imagery. My partner twice caught me in a short period of time, I ‘fessed up but grossly underestimated the size of my addiction. She remarked that it was weird me looking at images of women fully clad (albeit in leather and fur) and I think she possibly found this more bizarre than classic ‘porn’ one might expect. She was right in many ways, my addiction was and still is quite perverse, though I’m sure I’m not the only one who indulges in this non-nude variety of ‘porn’.

Things carried on the same with me going through the familiar patterns of building up huge folders of images, feeling shameful and deleting them. Many times I swore I’d end the foul habit, normally after a long session. I’d delete the files with good intentions only to restore them days later. I’ve been ‘caught’ twice at work (the most recent was attempting to view an anti fur site in the hope of finding young female celebrities adorned in fur, so had to pretend to be an animal rights sympathiser to keep face.)

I like many of your contributors heard the radio four broadcast in January one morning and literally stopped in my tracks. I knew exactly what Jason was talking about. It was only then that I started to consider myself affected by the issue, previously putting distance between my ‘high fashion’ and ‘fetish’ addiction and those sad losers trawling the net for smut. It turns out we’re one of the same.

Of late I’ve made ever increasing attempts to stop. Most of March this year I was free of the habit, but got straight back into searching for images when I upped the capacity of our home wireless connection. I’d love to end this degrading addiction, that leaves me longing for rainy weather to justify not going out or my partner working late so I can safely get behind the screen without fear of interruption. I still indulge, though now I feel a bit like a 21st century smoker who is constantly reminded of their unpleasant habit. I check the website often to read stories of fellow sufferers, though often go on to downloading more images when I’ve read a bit, thinking ‘I’ll stop doling this ‘when I’m totally ready or when it gets to be a big problem’. The fact I’m writing this indicates that it’s obviously bigger than I care to mention, though dare not share my feelings with anyone, especially my loving and beautiful partner. I know full well what to do - stop - though it never seems to happen.

I hope this makes sense and fellow readers can share these frustrations.

Thank you NC - I’m sure that many readers will be able to empathise with your situation and observations. For starters, you list some addiction indicators that will probably strike a chord with everyone in the audience.

Firstly, there’s the ‘moving in together’ crunch time. Living alone with an internet connection, we’re often aware that our porn surfing/collecting is getting out of control, but it’s contained by our privacy. So we don’t leave the house for the weekend - who’s to know? We might even explain it to ourselves as a hobby or ‘quality time’. When the prospect of living with a girlfriend arises, a whole new inner conflict sets in.

We certainly do become experts at hiding the evidence too. History erasing, hidden drives, password-protected folders… even private internet connections and car boots full of CDs and disks have been confessed. Such elaborate measures often become part of the addiction routine; the porn addiction ‘game’.

During a recovery period, when we are enjoying some success at turning the habit around, the ‘inner addict’ still seeks out justification to slip back into the old routines. It’s simply part of the recovery process. After so many hours interacting with the computer, technical upgrades and novelties are a commong trigger. A faster internet connection, some new P2P application, a fancy new flat screen… “I’ll just road-test it with some porn, seeing as I’ve got things under control…”. For ongoing recovery, such slips need to be kept in context; it doesn’t have to signal a revival of the old habit.

Fetish and fantasy are very common elements of the porn addiction mindset, and it makes for a complex, heady mix. We resent our habit and the fallout it causes us, and this leads us to feel victims of our unique sexual tastes and preferences. From my perspective, recovery is about moving on from the routines and guilt trips of the habit. It often means gaining insight into our needs and feelings of emptyness; the deeper issues that drive addictions. It helps to get fetishes into perspective, but recovery isn’t about trying to bottle up these urges or persuade ourselves that we need to be ‘normal’ from now on.

There’s no denying that hours spent absorbing pornography can amplify the appeal of an innocuous fetish or kink. The porn industry does very nicely out of blurring the line between healthy fantasy and unhealthy reality. When it leads to unsettling behaviour or demands that trouble your relationships, it certainly does need to be challenged and addressed as part of the addiction problem.

Now I appreciate that I continually refer to pornography, and your habit is focussed around material that doesn’t really fall under the ‘porn’ classification. This raises some interesting points. A compulsive attachment can form to any material or media; we get our titillation in many various ways. Such variety is the most natural thing in the world, until it gets hijacked by unwanted, compulsive routines.

Our values are a major factor here too. It’s interesting how your respect for your own values has filtered the desire to look at typical ‘porn’. We can all relate to this too; people with the most long-standing struggles with porn addiction are repulsed by illegal and abusive porn, and have nothing to do with it. They take a self-respecting stance based on our values, and exceptions to this are a very small minority of people.

Part of the recovery process is utilising our values and applying the same self-regard to our day-to-day behaviours. We never wanted to play destructive games with ourselves or fritter away so many precious hours. We never foresaw that shutting ourselves out to get off to 2-D images would hold such immense appeal, but addiction slipped in under the radar. We never consciously opted for the feelings of guilt and hopelessness that result.

I’m sure that most visitors to this site are questioning their habit and putting out feelers for change. I know that my words on this blog are no magic bullet for porn addiction; if that was the case, I’d be extremely wealthy and you wouldn’t have a habit! However, I’m confident that resources like this site help spread some clarity about a very common problem. This builds into motivation and confidence, and a recovery plan begins to take shape. We all need an approach that works for us and our individualty.

Thank you again for sharing your insights, and I wish you every success.

In this Share Your Story submission, JH explains his dilemma over the appeal of porn:

I am a 24 year old, currently living with my parents whilst studying for a Masters with an intent to move in with my girlfriend of three years within about the next six months- when I finally have some money.

I do accept that I have problem with porn. I look at it too much, but I don’t want to totally remove it from my life either- as someone with some pretty excentric fantasies (all totally legal, non violent, not even aggressive in any way to be honest, just a bit different) the only place I will ever see the kind of material I’m talking about is on the internet.

I kind of lead a sexual dual life- both sides of which are very satisfying in a lot of ways- the sex with my girlfriend is on the whole great, I have occasional problems but I’ve leart to deal with them very well. She is aware of my fantasies and is totally fine with them. She is very satisfied by our sex life- and she aint no lier! I integrate my fantasies into my sexual thoughts with her on a regular basis but I do not de-personalise- the fantasy is always about her. She is aware I do this but not quite of the extent. I have shown her the kind of stuff I’m into, it doesn’t really do anything for her but she’s also totally cool with it- so by default through her lack of interest the two sides of my sexual life stay pretty seporate- something which she is cool with (apart from the number of hours spent on the porn-hence this email).

The porn side, as I say is occupied, some of the time, by some pretty excentric fantasies which I’m only really going to find on the internet- if I try an remove these from my life I feel I will create new problems for myself. But that doesn’t mean to say I want them to stay in my life to the extent that they are- I want to reduce their role- not anialate it.

I currently surf for porn many hours a week. I’m pretty confident I could get it down to a couple of hours (in some ways I’m going to have to when I’m no longer a student and in full time work) which would be fine for both me and my girlfriend (Its been discussed- we have a very open and trusting relationship).

I particualrly want to make this change for the point at which we move in together. At the current porn surfing rate- it would definately cause problems. A couple of hours a week wouldn’t as she tends to go to bed earlier sometimes and knows my ways. Like I say, if I lock out porn totally I’m pretty sure my cravings for unusual porn will start to really bug me and have negative effects on other aspects of life. In the past, when I didn’t have internet access I still had the fantasies but without the porn outlet it made me feel, well, like an odd person. Today I feel more frustrated at myself for the amount I look- not what I look at- if I block it out totally I’m scared that I’ll start to feel like I’m weird again. That has had very dire consequences in the past in terms of my self esteem and although I have a lot more strength these days I don’t even want to be reminded of my old mind set.

Will the guide be effective for someone in my position who needs to cut back but also wishes to maintain a link to unusual fantasies?

Firstly, let’s clarify exactly where we stand on sexual fantasy: exciting, entertaining, fun. Absolutely everyone does it. We can get off on the most unlikely things, and we’re entitled to. Sexual fantasy makes us more inwardly interesting, and it’s not the cause of porn addiction. If it’s legal, safe and hurts no one, it’s the most natural thing in the world. This blog has touched on fantasy and fetish before.

So your girlfriend is cool with your sexual interests, and that’s not the issue here. Of course, it’s the time you spend indulging in your fantasies with porn. I won’t lecture you on the havoc that porn addiction can wreak on a relationship. Secret routines, isolation, compromised loving… you already recognise the potential for this.

I’m often asked whether a porn habit can be reduced to a manageable couple of hours a week, or an occasional treat. The logic is sound; the majority of people who enjoy looking at pornography aren’t addicted to it. They can watch it when the urge takes them, and it doesn’t eat up vast chunks of their lives or negatively impact their wellbeing and relationships. These people don’t talk about cravings, frustration or control issues. Porn isn’t top of their agenda.

The problem here is that addiction doesn’t follow the logic. The routines of the porn addiction ‘game’ are deep-rooted and instinctive. Every addict gets something unique from their porn obsession; it fills a void or serves some essential need. So how easy or realistic is it to convert a compulsive habit into a couple-of-hours-a-week pastime? Well, never say never, but it’s one hell of a challenge. Every addict has tried to get their fix without following the destructive routines, and it’s a deeply frustrating experience.

This is where recovery comes in; stop playing the porn addiction game, and you have the freedom to do what you like after that. By following a step-by-step plan, you can really begin to understand exactly what porn does for you, and find ways to break out of the time-consuming routines. Yes you’ll need commitment to change your relationship with porn. You’ll need a period of abstinence from the stuff too. It can be a tough trip, but the freedom it brings is invaluable.

From your honest account, I wonder whether your relationship with porn is one of justification. It helps you to normalise your erotic taste and fantasies. You feel less of an ‘odd person’. The internet can be great for that. The ‘problem’ may be one of perspective; a blurring of the fantasies you carry through your day-to-day living with the unreal, isolated images of pornography. To put it bluntly, too much buying into porn can lead to a relationship of dependence. It feels like it’s helping, but it’s never an ideal place to find your self-esteem. It’s another way that the porn game locks you in.

In reality, there’s no measure of weirdness or oddness when it comes to the erotic imagination. Porn can help you to indulge, but it thrives on insecurity. Assessing yourself as weird will keep you coming back for more. It’s good business for the industry.

Thank you JH for sharing your concerns with such frankness and insight, and I hope you find this response a helpful start to addressing them.

In the following Share Your Story submission, MW describes a moment of realisation that many readers will certainly empathise with:

“Tonight I have come to realize the gravity of my problems. For a long time I have turned a blind eye to my compulsion and the guilt, shame and loneliness that follows. The feeling is like that I have known for a long time about this problem but never wanted to face it until now.

I use almost every spare time I get to watch online porn and I often do it for hours and hours, until it´s so late in the night that afterwards I´m just wondering why time passed by so quickly. And the next day I wake up tired and thinking.. okay, tonight is not gonna end like last night. Many of you probably know how that story goes.

What I´m also realizing is that after many hours of watching porn I´m still in this state of mind long after. And I sense how my mind is still tuned in on porn long after watching it, even the next day at work. I don´t wanna be like this. I have to do something about it.

My wife and friends have no idea about my problem and I don´t want them to find out. I just want to get rid of this addiction. I don´t want my life to evolve around porn. This is not the way to live. I have to get rid of this.

I don´t know why I´m writing this but I feel like it helps me understand the gravity of my obsession.”

It’s astonishing how porn addiction can hijack our lives in this way. When I discuss the problem with people who have no personal experience of addiction, they struggle to comprehend just how deeply porn obsession can impact our waking and sleeping hours. For the majority of people, it’s an experience they simply cannot relate to. Porn addiction can have an intensity beyond any smoking habit or sugar craving.

Indeed, addicts can often reach a point where they are living in a state of anticipation or comedown most of the time. Day-to-day activities like going to work or spending time with the family feel just like going through the motions; almost conducted on automatic pilot whilst the imagination anticipates the next porn session. Then the opportunity to watch porn arrives (usually taking up vast amount of time searching for ‘that’ video or image) and the ensuing comedown and regret follows. Anticipation for the next session kicks in again to numb the comedown, and so it goes on. This is the depressing half-life of porn addiction, and as you say, it’s no way to live.

Reality usually hits us during the comedown phase; that brief period of frustration and anger at ourselves before the anticipation fires up yet again. All addicts will recognise these ‘this has got to stop’ moments. So how can we actually listen to ourselves and break out of the addicted cycle?

I have a feeling that this website, and all the other porn addiction sites out there, gets a fair amount of hits from people in the comedown state. Many visitors will read a page or two, recognise the problem in their own lives, maybe even bookmark the site, but they don’t take any action. This isn’t a criticism of those visitors - they just aren’t ready to change. They may need a few more comedowns. Unfortunately, some people have to hit a rock-bottom crisis in their lives before they really can generate sufficient motivation to break a compulsive habit.

Successful recovery needs a realistic, step-by-step plan. Of course, I’m recommending my own plan, but there are many other quality resources to help turn this issue around. The crucial point here is to realise that you do have the power to break the habit, and start taking deliberate action. There are plenty of options too; it is not essential that your wife or friends participate in your recovery. You fell into this problem, and you are perfectly capable of getting out of it on your own initiative.

Thank you MW for sharing your story with such openness, and I wish you every success.

TR has submitted this honest account of his own problem relationship with porn:

I started to look at porn when i was 11 years old, getting ahold of mags and video tapes from friends. It wasnt a big problem then except for the fast that it distorted my veiws of how women are suppost to be and how men are suppost to treat them. It wasnt realy until i was 15 and got my own computer in my room 9 years ago. I learned about how to rebuild computers and hack to get onto the internet. The internet on a 15 year olds computer alone in his room is a bad thing just waiting to happen. The “world” of porn became open to me in every way shape and form and i took ahold of it with arms wipe open.

I found that stories at that time were my biggest thing, cause i could fantasise that i was the main character in this story. Then i started to get programs that would hack passwords for me to get into restricted sites. I would spend several hours a night doing this everynight to where my grades dropped so much i dropped out of high school.

But the worst part of all started to happen. When i was 16 i was surfing the net so much for the best porn i could find, and then all the back door porn sites started to pop up. Ever since then i have been at a constant war with my self all the time, not only am i addicted to porn but i am also addicted to my computer.

{This story makes me feel very very much like a despicable human being but i have to finally share this or i cant move on with myself} I am now 24 years old and i find myself looking at these sites. It kills me every single time i do. I always feel like i am going into some type of drunken state.

I start off looking at “regular” porn and end up here. I have been to a number of psychiatrist and psychologist to help me but to no avail. The only best addvise i have gotten from them is to keep a journal, with does help me now and then.

I have been working on this for “years”. The thing that keeps holding me back though for the most part is that everytime i think i am doing right and that i have this “addiction” licked is when i relapse. Cause its not just me that it hurts anymore, i am married with two children, my wifes knows of my problem and so does my intermediate family.

My wife has left me 4 times already and i think this last time though might have been the last, not because she doesnt love me or doesnt want to help me but because she cant deal with the pain anymore.

I havent read all the other blogs on here yet and i dont know if anyone else has posted that they’re addiction to porn has taken them to this type of porn yet, so i felt like i should share my addiction to let others know they are not alone.

I am purchasing Jason’s book right now as we speak so no i have not read it yet, but do look forward to. Even if my marraige really has fallen to were i cant pick it back up i still have to do this for me and my children, for the sake of a future with out guilt and suicidel thoughts, without self loathing and destructiveness. I plan on sharing my experiences here as i progress.

I have been through a AA and NA class before for my other addictions “even though an addiction is an addiction no matter what it is to” so i do know that there is power in a group, and that is what i need right now in my life, help of others around me.

Thank you very much for reading my short shameful story.

Thank you to TR for sharing your situation and fears with such openness. You may have read some of the other blog posts on here, so I’ll try to summarise my response without repeating the same suggestions and support over again.

You very accurately describe the feelings of self-destructiveness and shame that all addicts will certainly be able to empathise with. Intense shame, guilt, despair… all perfectly natural reactions to the seemingly endless routines of porn addiction. It’s often easier said than done, I know, but these states of mind really have to be addressed before lasting recovery can become a reality.

No matter how pervasive and powerful your addiction appears, it’s essential to remember that you are not the habit. This problem is causing a lot of pain to you and the loved ones around you, but it remains a cycle of compulsive routines and urges that you fell into at a young age. No matter how long you have struggled with the obsession, you still have the very real ability to overcome it. Shame and guilt have their place; they have served their purpose in driving you to seek therapy and confont the problem. It’s now essential to break out of the self-loathing cycle and look outward, towards embracing change and getting to know yourself again. It’s not the purpose of therapy to judge or condemn your behaviour, and neither should you now. This can prove to be a very useful shift in outlook.

Putting the problem into context in this way doesn’t fix it, of course, but it’s a great place to start. It certainly sounds as if you have had periods of successfully creating space between yourself and the habit, even if they did end in relapse. It’s hugely disappointing when you realise that the problem isn’t licked after all, but I would encourage you to consider what you have learned from these relapse episodes. What was the trigger that sent you back to the old ways? Did it seem to come out of the blue, or did you practically see it coming? What therapy were you in at the time and was it useful at all when relapse occurred? A big part of recovery is taking whatever insight you can from relapse experiences.

We all beat ourselves up over relapse, of course. Addiction recovery guides and therapists generally create a ‘holy grail’ ideal of recovery, where things finally click into place and you can righteously abstain from porn from that day onwards. It’s an ideal to aim towards, but the reality of recovery is usually quite different. Truly successful, lasting recovery is a step-by-step journey, and there are often many small steps and setbacks required.

The problem with working to the ‘holy grail’ ideal is that when we do relapse, we feel even more of a dismal failure. We pay little regard to the ongoing, long-term objective of learning and adapting. In the worst case scenario, we just feel ever more permanently locked into habit and hopelessness, and that’s a very bleak place to be. So from my experience, real recovery means accepting relapse, working with it, learning something and making some adjustment to your recovery plan, no matter how minor. By realising that you are still on the journey, you’ll keep moving forward. I wish you every ongoing success.

Describing her experience of addiction, Katie shares her concerns about keeping it a secret, and facing up to change:

My addiction started when I was pregnant. For some reason, it seems as though your sexual appetite grows then. My husband would not come near me for the entire pregnancy. He now says he was afraid he was going to hurt the baby. He didn’t tell me why at the time. I felt abandoned, yet didn’t want to leave as we were just starting our family.

I felt like porn was a way I could stay faithful and yet could satisfy my urges. Now, I realize just how destructive it has become. My baby is now 2, and I can’t seem to stop.

My husband has tried to get our love life back, but it isn’t working. I keep finding myself turning back to the porn. I don’t know if it is a deep down psychological thing or what. I don’t know if I fully trust him. Since our relationship has suffered, I am afraid that if he catches me reading the sex stories (it’s the stories where I can imagine the girl is me, not pictures) that he will take our baby and leave. I am afraid of what will happen if I don’t break the habit and the baby finds it when older.

I am mad at myself because I feel like I should be on the computer less and down on the floor reading books, playing games, and bonding (wholesome play), and that I am missing too much of the baby years. I am working a lot, and to lose more time to this, it is just not fair to my baby. I don’t know how to fill this void that grew when my husband wouldn’t come near me. I don’t know how to trust him again.

I don’t know how to break this addiction on my own, keeping it secret, but can’t trust him to tell him. And, I don’t know how to break this addiction without somehow filling this void so I don’t come clicking back. I would be ruined if my family found out, yet continuing this behavior is ruining me from the inside out. I don’t know if anyone can relate. I know this isn’t usually a female issue. It is for me though.

This form of addiction is most commonly a male issue, but it’s easy to underestimate how many women are experiencing a problem relationship with pornography in some form. In 2005, a US survey reported that 28% of respondents who admitted to internet sexual addiction were female. The accuracy of surveys can never be guaranteed, but there’s no doubt that absolutely anyone can potentially fall into this situation.

One major reason why a compulsive behaviour can develop so easily is ‘positive intent’. Every habit forms to meet some purpose, whether we are consciously aware of it or not. As much as we may begin to loathe the addictive routine, it continues to serve some purpose, and can even expand to gloss over other issues in our lives. This makes the addictive cycle of behaviour even more difficult to break out of; there feels like so much more at stake.

You’ve clearly identified one of the positive intentions for turning to pornographic stories - a means of staying faithful to your husband and satisfying unmet sexual urges. It’s quite likely that the function of the habit has developed further. Many people experience porn addiction as a substitute for intimacy; a distraction from relationship issues and the self-esteem fallout that so often results.

Ironically, the painful habit can also provide a kind of ’secret indulgence’, weirdly enhanced by the partner’s unawareness and inevitable shock if they ever found out. Of course, this can only work against a relationship in the long-term. Repeated indulgence in porn fantasy can often warp our outlook on sexuality and levels of expectation from a physical relationship too. Just like absorbing adult images or movies, pornographic stories can have exactly the same effect. Again, all to the detriment of real, lasting relationships.

The process of breaking out of porn addiction presents a range of options and approaches. A gradual opening up of this secret issue to a partner can be extremely beneficial. Contrary to some beliefs, I’m convinced that the problem can also be overcome individually, without jeopardising a relationship further or risking the family stability. There’s no single route to addiction recovery; it’s about working out a recovery plan that suits you and your circumstances.

A great starting point is realising that you are certainly not alone with this issue, and lasting, self-motivated change is completely achievable. A positive plan of action will help you to build increased awareness of your habitual routines; the positive intents, the triggers and addicted self-talk that may be driving you in circles. It’s a process of taking step-by-step actions to face up to the unwanted habit whilst rebuilding real-life interests that may have fallen by the wayside. Addressing your guilt at the wasted time and rebuilding trust and intimacy with your husband would make ideal long-term aims for the plan.

The recovery plan available from this site can certainly provide a thorough basis for taking action, and I’d recommend exploring the range of online advice available for overcoming addiction. Your plan has to work for you, and it’s a very individual thing.

I’d very much like to thank you for sharing your story with such frankness and honesty, and wish you every success in building on this route out of addiction.

Carl kindly submitted his experiences of pornography through our what’s your story form.

My addiction to porn began when I was 18. It was the late 90s and internet was a new buzz. I was not aware that here I could find all my fantasies acted up by ‘real’ persons. It was a mixture of surprise, joy and discovery. However, I was entering a virtual world of fantasies which I used to only avoid confrontation with reality. Since then 9 years have passed and with up and downs I still am suffering addiction.

Sometimes reality seems just a pallid reflection compared with internet huge pornography.

Nonetheless, due to work circumstances I have been for quite long periods (3 months) of time without surfing for porn, but I still cannot resist the urge to see some. I guess that what really makes it appealing is the easiness with which I can get hold of some sort of sex without the need to be accountable to someone.

The feelings that this addiction has provoked in me is guilt, self-loathing and shame. This is a big problem. I will try to have a go with your plans. What you are doing is great and you are helping people to deal with something which is cause of suffering and can destroy lives.

Thank you!

Those tantalising early days of discovering internet porn or cybersex… vivid memories that most addicts will fondly recall. And I certainly wouldn’t say there’s anything wrong with that. It really was an experience of almost wonderment at all the sexual learning and discovery that the internet has to offer, long before any of the pain, frustration and guilt-tripping of addiction set in. For those of us who develop a compulsive relationship with porn, it’s a turn-on that we constantly, desperately seek to re-experience. That’s when things can get out of control.

When we begin to dedicate more and more time to viewing porn, it’s inevitable that we start to absorb the messages of porn too. Over time, the habit alters our outlook towards sex, erotica, other people and ultimately our own self-image. When porn compulsion really sets in, we blur the distinction between the fake porn-world on the screen and our everyday reality. The instant-thrill world of porn begins to appeal more than real-life experience, and feels more and more like an escape.

‘My life doesn’t measure up to this. I’m entitled to to experience some of this action for real. The people I meet are sexual objects, and they’re either hot or they’re not. This is my private luxury and nothing’s going to spoil it.’ … Many addicts find themselves hearing these kind of self-talk assurances. At the same time, we know something is out of control. We grow to resent the wasted time and lost opportunities, and make well-intentioned efforts to go cold turkey. Sooner or later, we just seem driven to return and the habit starts all over again.

Facing up to the feelings of resentment and negativity is the first move in really addressing an addiction, and you have already taken this essential step. Guilt, self-loathing, suffering - you’ve openly recognised the emotional fallout that the habit is causing. My recovery plan will help to assure you that this is an extremely common reaction to addiction, but it certainly doesn’t define who you are. Feelings of crushing guilt and shame are part of the addictive cycle, yet beneath all this lies another rational adult who fell into a problem habit for some reason. My guide can help you to identify that reason without any guilt-tripping, and begin to open up options and permanent release from the escapism of porn.

I really appreciate your words of support, and hope that this helps break through some of the negative funk that builds up around porn addiction. I wish you every success.