RT very kindly shares his feelings about how he relates to pornography. He hits the nails right on the head:

I have always liked porn, ever since I was lent some videos when I was 15,16 and what a thrill it was! At that age it’s quite harmless, you’re wondering what sex is all about etc and gave me a good education, if i’m honest, losing my Virginity wasn’t a problem after watching them!

Anyway fast forward 7 years or so, I have been looking at the same sites looking at anything might interest me.

To me it is boredom, I read anything that interests me (newspapers, sports, music) … and then I start creeping over to porn sites… or celeb sites. I think it’s a habitual, when I was studying, I would have a “porn break” .. luckily it didnt interfere with my studies as I got a very high grade, of which i’m very proud. But now i’m still in that cycle but now looking for work, i’m bored of looking at job sites so I then creep over to the porn sites…. to be honest I do believe they just bore me now, but I still view them out of my own boredom. Nothing is new and nothing shocks me.

I like to say too, I have a girlfriend that i’ve been dating for the past 2.5 years, so it isn’t through lack of sex or anything. Dunno if I have a high sex drive, or recently when a couple are comfortable with each other, sex diminishes or loses it’s excitement.

I suppose i’m trying to summise my position and make sense of this porn I view….. After seeing this site tonight I read the blog section and with tips and advice. I particularly liked the DNS server idea, which i’ve signed up to and put a porn filter on. I think this will really help cut this viewing porn out.

Hopefully I will find a job, spend more time and immerse myself in activities, alleviate the boredom. When i’m on holiday or away from the computer for a long period, I really dont have the urge to view porn, doesnt even cross my mind.

I just feel that perhaps I do spend time on porn sites when i’m at home, and feel I should be using my time better.

Sorry if this is a bit disjointed, but I feel like this is a moment, and gathered all my thoughts together, and nip a potentially snowball situation in the bud.

Will power, and thank you for this site, which I will frequent to keep reminding me to steer clear of the dark side of the internet… which is probably 80% of it!

Cheers!

From my conversations with guys struggling with porn, the vast majority would agree that they are totally bored with the stuff. This is why the problem can seem so illogical and bizarrely frustrating.

We can invest so much time and effort into seeking out or collecting porn. For what? To flick through images in seconds, or fast-forward through most of a porn movie, right to the closing credits. Many guys experience this numbing, futile chase. “That was boring… let’s find some more…”

The porn stopped being interesting a long time ago, but we still feel instinctively attached to this familiar routine that removes us from our reality for a while. In many ways, this marks the line between compulsive habit and healthy appetite or curiosity.

Plenty of readers will relate to your mention of celebrity sites too. For the guy who is trying to restrain his porn tendencies, celebrity eyecandy can become porn-lite. This is quite common, and should only be problematic if celebrity or glamour images lead back into irresistible porn territory (”It’s just pictures of women…”) or become a further object of compulsive viewing. During a period or recovery, the growing distance from the porn mindset will gradually alleviate this issue.

Replacement activities really are key to overcoming porn addiction. As you say, a holiday from the familiarity of the computer or day-to-day environment can prove just how little appeal pornography really has. But so often, we return from holiday and instinctively pick up where we left off. Building up other, long-term interests and priorities is an essential part of recovery.

Thank you RT, for your positivity and realistic, balanced observations. I wish you every success.

Soon after they married, K began to discover the true extent of her husband’s porn habit. She explains how his obsessional behaviour makes her feel:

I’m 32, just got married 3 months ago, we love each other.  Before we got married, my husband told me that he like to open porn website and I accepted him and I thought that it’s normal for a guy.  After we married, I found a lot of his porn download video collection in his computer.  When I asked him, he said that video could make more intimacy between us.  Once again, I accepted his reason.

I love my husband, he is faithful and never cheating, I trust him. What make me pity of him, his sleeptime is changed now, he’s easy to get tired because he spent a lot of time in front of his computer by watching or downloading porn video or some politic news. He awoke in very early morning and again he downloaded porn video.  It made me unhappy that when we watched tv show together, he seem that he was concerned about his download porn video, made him not concentrate for our tv show, he was back to his computer.

After we hang out together, he always said ‘Can we go home now?’ and after that he’s back to his computer and enjoying his porn video.  I feel like that I’m his #2 and porn video his #1.  I never doubt that my husband never cheated to somebody, he is lovely husband. I don’t want to change him but I do want him to change his addiction.  Can you give me advice?  thank you

When a new boyfriend or husband is initially open about their fondness for pornography, it’s easy to accept that this is just something that guys do. And that’s certainly true - many men and couples do look at porn, without damaging their relationships or intimacy. Unfortunately, his interest in porn might already be out of control.

Your husband may have been compulsively collecting porn for a long time. When he tried to justify his habit by talking about the benefits to your relationship, he may have been trying to convince himself too. Addicts continually try to explain and justify their habits in their own minds. When a relationship or marriage comes along, they might try to sell the delusion to their partners.

At first, their justifications can be very convincing; he might feel desperate to somehow balance the new married lifestyle with his solitary behaviours of the past. As you have found, this becomes an impossible situation and the partner becomes a casualty of the bizarre conflict.

Addicts do find themselves living in a state of almost constant tiredness. As well as the late night porn surfing sessions, their energies are drained by the permanent state of anticipation for getting back to the computer. As you have found, guys can be at work, watching TV, playing sport or even out socialising - as long as there is porn downloading at home, they are distracted by the buzz of anticipation.

In recovery, guys are usually staggered at how much mental energy they wasted on the empty pursuit of pornography. It’s embarrassing for them. The fact that they could have continued living in the addiction bubble whilst their relationships and careers fell around them is ultimately a very scary one.

As you say, this painful situation is different to traditional ‘cheating’ because he is still around the house. Partners of porn addicts experience the emotional neglect, disappointment and sometimes the self-blame of a cheating husband, but retain the small security of knowing there is nobody else involved. Either way, you are entitled to a better relationship and lifestyle with your husband than this.

The first step in addressing this problem is to honestly tell him exactly how his behaviour makes you feel. Explain that you feel like you come second to porn in his life, and this is definitely not the relationship you chose. He really needs to understand this.

If he responds with the ‘intimacy benefits’ argument or tries to discount the problem with ‘but all guys are the same’, simply refuse to play the justification game. Explain that this is a very real problem in living with the man that you love.

If he acknowledges the problem, this is definite progress. If you are both able to openly discuss your feelings, you will be able to explore possible reasons for his habit. It may be an old coping or escape mechanism that really is not needed any more, but has become too ingrained to recognise and let go.

Ideally, he will take responsibility for this problem and agree to take some positive steps in facing up to it. It may be useful for him to make a counselling appointment, or research the many helpful resources available online.

Recovery is often a step-by-step process, and there can be frustration and some painful realities along the way. It certainly is achievable though, and loving relationships can be rebuilt. Thank you for sharing your story with such openness, and I wish you every success in taking these important steps now.

FF describes her struggle with a porn addicted husband, and the painful dilemma that she faces:

My husband is addicted to pornography and our relationship is breaking down. We’ve been locked in the “emotional games” cycle for so long with him denying and being defiant and me becoming more and more controlling.

Our marriage is no longer a marriage — it’s been taken over by this sick cycle. I love him very much and I want to be able to repair our relationship, but I think we’re on the verge of a divorce. He blames me a lot for all our problems and has told me he’s very angry at women in general because of his issues with his mother.

How do I tap into this clinical detachment you keep mentioning? It’s so difficult to let go when I feel like I’m losing my husband to this horrible addiction. I want to hold on tighter, but it’s making him pull away.

Thank you FF for sharing your situation. It’s a sad fact that many partners will recognise the heart-wrenching set of circumstances that you describe.

As instinctive and natural as it is, your controlling reaction is pandering to his addiction-warped vision of your relationship. As you suggest, he is leading you into ongoing games of persecutor and victim. By desperately clinging to the victim role, he tries to justify his habit and build further resentment towards you and your relationship. It’s a cruel, blaming game called ‘Just try and stop me’.

I’ve recently blogged about the ‘clinical detachment’ approach for partners. It is a short-term strategy for breaking up these games, and I certainly hope that you could find it helpful.

However, it would appear that there are other issues driving your husband’s attitudes and compulsive behaviour. I encourage partners to offer support in facing porn addiction problems, but his historical issues concerning his mother require help that you cannot, and shouldn’t be expected to, try to resolve. He may well be using porn to indulge deep-rooted feelings of misogyny, and this should be addressed in professional therapy.

It pains me to say it, but until he accepts and gets help for these issues, little progress can be made. Unless something triggers a significant shift in his outlook, you are just going to continue receiving the same.

I wish you the very best, even if it means moving on from this impossible relationship.

MA very kindly explains his struggle with pornography. His articulate account of the events that led to porn addiction, and his sources of empowerment in the face of this challenge, makes for a fascinating and inspirational read:

By way of providing a little background before speaking to my sexual addiction, my biological father left my Mom and I before I was born. I don’t know the reasons for it other than to say that he was immature and unprepared tobe a father. I had the opportunity to meet him for the first time at 21 only to discover that nothing much had changed – I never heard from him after that despite my attempts to contact him. Dad number 2 was an alcoholic who fancied slapping my Mom around in front of us kids. Dad number 3 had kids of his own and always made me feel less than adequate and had the ability to inflict a lot of damage with words. Dad number 4 was drunk the first night we met and I made it my mission to make his life miserable so he’d leave. He and my Mom have been married over 20 years now and I still struggle to feel the level of love and acceptance from him that I desire. I know he loves me but he has difficulty expressing it and so we’ve always had this somewhat guarded relationship with one another.

My journey down the path of porn addiction began at a very early age. I recall being about 7 years of age when I saw my first Playboy. The neighbor boy across the street had smuggled the magazine from his father’s stash and we would frequently hide out in his backyard to peruse its pages. Gazing at those images was both confusing and wonderful. I was amazed to think that these beautiful women would willingly take off all of their clothes and display their bodies for the entire world to see. I burned those images into every corner of my memory so that I could easily access them anytime I wanted.

The more time I spent with these images, the more I began to act out in sexual ways. I was…..here comes the ‘M’ word…….masturbating daily…..often to the point of injury. Childhood exploration went beyond the bounds of normal. I was a child attempting to deal with very grown-up feelings and it frequently manifested itself in inappropriate ways.

As I reached my teenage years,  it became more difficult to control my urges and impulses thanks to the addition of hormones to the mix. Voyeurism became part of my repertoire as I began spying on my sister, sometimes taking enormous risks to do so. It was during these formative years that I began to feel the first pangs of guilt over my activities. Addiction was not part of my vocabulary back then – all I knew was that it just felt too good to stop. I was active in the Mormon Church and made many attempts to stop sinning sexually. I would squirm in my chair as the bishop admonished the youth to keep themselves pure or risk eternal damnation. Feelings of guilt overwhelmed me and, with each failure to overcome the desires of the flesh, I felt more and more hopeless.

My addiction escalated during my high school years  after I discovered a small stash of porn magazines under my parent’s mattress. I also happened upon a couple of videos tucked inside a dresser drawer and a whole new world was opened up to my discovery. These were actual moving images and I found that sensations were heightened as never before. I was soon renting “soft-core” videos of my own and secretly watching them when no one was home. I found these activities to be a therapeutic release of the frustration and rejection I felt over being every girl’s friend when I was really longing to be their boyfriend. The women in the magazines and videos never said no, were always ready, willing, and able to fulfill my needs, and were always available. I think it was during this time that I began using pornography as a means of escaping from all the negative emotions bottled up inside of me. For that few minutes, I could forget about the hurt and the guilt and the shame as euphoric chemicals saturated my brain and I became addicted to that feeling much more than the images themselves. The magazines and videos simply became a means to an end.

When I finally did begin dating, my developing perception that every girl was ready and willing to service my sexual needs clashed with reality but I couldn’t see it. I had trouble maintaining relationships because I was eager to practice the things I had seen in the videos and magazines and I put a tremendous amount of pressure on girlfriends to have sex.  This pressure escalated to the point that it would eventally break us up and the rejection drove me deeper into my addiction.

Shortly after graduation, I moved into my own apartment near my parent’s home and began a life of partying. Up to this point, God had been an active prescence in my life. I had remained a devoted member of the Mormon church during my high school years.  I was wracked with guilt over the things I had done and promised God (and myself) over and over that I would stop. When I began to feel pressure to go on a mission, I left the church and began searching for something – anything – to fill the void. My apartment was frequently filled with beer, drugs, and half-naked girls and I began turning to alcohol to drown out the voices in my head. On the surface, I seemed to have it all together. I had a full-time job, a car, an apartment, and was enrolled in college full-time. Underneath it all, I was scared, lost, and riddled with emotional pain. Alcohol provided quick relief and I was drunk much of the time. I was able to stay straight-laced on the job but couldn’t wait to come home and get hammered with my ‘friends’ (I learned how to shotgun beer so I could get drunk very quickly). I experimented with pot but never understood the appeal and stuck with alcohol as my drug of choice. My place was party central for all types of females who were also drunk and therefore easy targets of my inappropriate behavior. God, church, & religion became the furthest things from my mind.

Around this time I also discovered strip clubs, wonderful places where I could see and touch the objects of my desire up close and personal – without the pesky problem of emotional attachment. They became my personal utopia and further served to warp my sense of relationship with women. They became a commodity, “intimacy” a business transaction. I was young and had a wallet full of disposable income – that is, if you consider the monthly rent money to be disposable income.

I continued on this path for more than a year before one night shook me back to reality and brought my party life to a screeching halt.

My roommate and I decided to have a New Year’s Eve party. As usual, I was smashingly drunk early in the evening. I continued to drink wine coolers and peach Schnaap’s until I passed out. I woke up the next morning curled up in my bedroom closet, facedown in a puddle of my own vomit. When I staggered into the bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror,  eyes bloodshot, skin pale, my hair caked with dried puke, I knew something had to change.

I was forced to sober up and take a good look at my life and where it was heading. Due to poor choices in roomates and bad money management, I was hundreds of dollars in debt to my landlord for back rent and damages to the apartment. I had racked up several hundred dollars more in telephone charges to 976 sex line numbers. My parents graciously agreed to let me move back in with them until I could get my crap together and start acting like a man. Although this period of boozing lasted less than two years, I went after the party life full-throttle in an attempt to mask the pain I was feeling inside – a pain I couldn’t even put my finger on. As I think back on all of the stupid decisions I made while drunk and/or stoned I know it was purely God’s grace and protection that kept me out of jail, the hospital, or the morgue.

I enrolled in broadcasting school, graduated, and landed my first radio job in a tiny timber town 100 miles from everything I knew. When I moved away, I was sent off with a handful of Dad’s porn magazines for company. They became my nightly companions as I tried desperately to ward off overwhelming loneliness, boredom, and fear. One weekend a former high school classmate came to visit me. I took her to the local country bar where we hung out with a couple of fellow DJ’s, linedanced, and drank pitchers of beer. I ended up falling off the wagon and getting pretty drunk. We made it back to my cabin where one thing led to another and we ended up in bed together. I mention this because I had no romantic feelings for this girl but I was still a virgin and the enemy actually convinced me that I could get a handle on my addiction if I were to just have sex. As if getting it out of my system would somehow lessen my desire for it. Needless to say, it didn’t work.  Not long after that I entered into a whirlwind sexual relationship with my boss’ daughter. This relationship was where my co-dependency issues first came out to play. Deep down, I knew the situation was not healthy. Her father warned me repeatedly to stay away from her  and, a few months into our relationship, I learned she was also sleeping with her ex-boyfriend. But, I couldn’t let go. I was desperate to fill the loneliness. I had begun experiencing crippling anxiety attacks shortly after moving away from home and I clung to the relationship to escape the fear that enveloped me. One night her father confronted me with a baseball bat and I threw whatever belongings I could fit into my car and I returned home -  broken, defeated, riddled with anxiety, and determined to straighten up.

A few months later, I met the woman who would become my wife. It was love at first sight for me and I was instantly attracted to her physically. She was a blond-haired, blue-eyed, tan & trim goddess in a Payless smock and I was smitten! As I walked away from our initial introduction, I turned to my buddy and stated confidently  “I’ve just met the woman I’m going to marry”. We began dating and I knew immediately that this was the woman God intended me to spend my life with. I proposed shortly thereafter, and we were married 4 months after our first date. That was 17  ½ years ago!

I honestly believed being married would change me and, for a time, it did. We were newlyweds – it was all good! My wife was pretty open-minded and was down for just about anything I suggested. It was not long before I introduced porn into our marriage bed under the lie that it would make our marital relationship even better. It did nothing of the sort. Bringing porn into the marital relationship only created a false intimacy that would eventually drive a wedge between us.

In year two of our marriage, Crystal became pregnant with our first child. Although I was overjoyed by the idea of becoming a father, pregnancy put a damper on the sex life I was accustomed to and I soon found myself sneaking off to the local Plaid Pantry for the latest issue of my favorite porn magazine. I also began purchasing porn videos and watching them whenever I was alone. I hid my purchases in an old locking briefcase that I kept on the shelf of our bedroom closet. One day, my conscience could no longer bear the weight of my secrets and I tearfully confessed to my wife about those magazines and videos. To my surprise, she said “I know. I was just waiting for you to tell me.” Her response was loving and reassuring and I knew then that I could be honest with her about my struggles and receive her support. However, I also heard her giving me permission to continue. My viewing of pornography did not seem like a big deal to her and I continued to skirt around the fringes of addiction even after promising to stop.

By the time I graduated to Internet pornography, our lives had been turned upside down by the loss of our first baby, the birth of our second, and a third difficult pregnancy that resulted in the loss of one twin and the birth of another. The deaths of our children and the pressures of parenthood had exacted a toll on my psyche and I began to free-fall into severe addiction. I was unbelievably angry at God and completely turned my back on Him. The panic and anxiety attacks I had suffered from a few years earlier returned with a vengeance. I was also suffering from a deep depression and surfing porn on the Internet became a means of escaping the pain. Interestingly, I entered into psychotherapy but never once mentioned my addiction to pornography. I simply did not recognize the connection between the porn and my mental/emotional state. Porn was the CURE for what ailed me, not a CONTRIBUTOR. At one point, I checked myself into the psyche ward at St. Vincent Hospital only to check myself out a few hours later because everyone else in there was crazy! My addiction took on a life of its own morphing into something I lost any control over. I no longer had to slink around convenience or adult video stores. The porn came to me – right there in the comfort of my own home! At this point, I was primarily a stay at home Dad (primarily because I found it difficult to give up my porn surfing time for the productivity of employment) and I literally spent hours surfing endless streams of pleasure. Rather than spend time nurturing and enjoying my children, I detached myself from them in favor of the next mouse click. I would often become angry and yell at them if they distracted me from my fantasy world with such mundane needs as eating or diaper changes. It was not uncommon to find me scrambling around the house at the last moment, rounding up kids and cleaning them up before my wife’s expected arrival so as to give the impression that I had actually cared for them while she was away.  I was becoming a hollow shell of my former self, concerned with nothing more than feeding my lust, checked out of reality in favor of ‘shooting up’ the next fantasy. I became suicidal and often found myself locked in the bathroom with a handful of pills trying to work up the courage to swallow them. God met me in one of those moments. I was sitting there with a handful of Xanax & Luvox. Just as I was about to swallow them down, my daughter Savannah, who was 2 at the time, knocked lightly on the bathroom door and said, “I wuv you Daddy”. It shattered me and I vowed at that moment that I would do my best to never leave them fatherless.

But the battle with my addiction continued to rage inside me and I found that my viewing tastes were becoming increasingly hardcore. I would frequently seek out sites specializing in areas of sexuality I never imagined and then become physically ill afterwards at the thought of finding such things a turn-on.  I began to frequent internet chat rooms and would frequently engage in cyber-sex with strangers online. Lord only knows who was actually on the other end of those conversations and, frankly, I didn’t care. It was through one of these sessions that I “met” a woman in California. Apparently, I impressed her with my ability to talk dirty and we exchanged phone numbers. I began calling her nearly every day for phone sex. Sometimes I would engage in these conversations while my wife sat alone in another room. I began to think that I was in love with this woman and I often told her so. We were discussing the possibility of meeting in person when my wife delivered a shocking wake-up call.

I thought I had been hiding my activities pretty well. Turns out she took note when I would quickly turn off the computer when she walked into the room. She noticed the long distance calls to an unfamiliar number on the phone bill. She had plenty of time to ponder what was happening as she lay in bed all alone late at night while her husband surfed the Internet. She confronted me with the fact that my actions were far more damaging and far less innocent than I imagined them to be. As strange as it may seem, our marriage was saved that day because I understood for the first time the depth of hurt I was causing her. I know my wife and I know that hurt and feeling of betrayal had to run very, very deep for her to risk sharing how it made her feel. It was a catalyst for change in my behavior because I never again wanted to be the source of that kind of pain in her life.

That episode was followed by a long period of sobriety. I installed filters on our computers, cancelled our cable television, and will-powered my way through temptation. I tried extremely hard to be on the up and up with my wife and earn back her trust. Several months into my sobriety we were devastated by the loss of a baby girl 6 months into the pregnancy. A year later, our youngest son, Joey, was born with the same infection that took the life of our first child and spent several days in the NICU clinging to life. He survived but within weeks of that event I found myself once again sliding back into old habits. I would scratch and claw my way back out of the pit only to fall right back in. Guilt and shame once again overtook me. By this time, we were actively involved in the Mormon Church again, after years of inactivity.  I realized I did not have the power to stop this runaway train and I turned to my bishop for help. A tearful, heartfelt confession resulted in a few words of reprimand, an admonition to stop what I was doing, and a period of probation during which I was stripped of any privilages I had as a member. There were no words of hope, no words of encouragment, no explanations on where I stood with God. Only words of condemnation. Because a Mormon bishop is understood to be a representative of Christ, I felt like I had just been rejected by the Lord Himself. Worse yet, as I began to speak with close friends about my struggles I found myself becoming a social outcast in a church that prides itself on its sense of family. In a time I most needed the love and support of my fellow church members, I was shunned and left alone. I believed the message was loud and clear: You are no longer good enough for us. Therefore, you are not good enough for God.

I rapidly slipped into a cycle of depression, which led to acting out, which led to guilt, which led to deeper depression. Perhaps some of you can identify with this pattern. I tried crying out to my Father but my desperate prayers seemed to go no farther than the ceiling. Bitterness set in and I felt completely isolated from God. I despaired over my hopeless state and thoughts of ending my life once again crept into my consciousness. Many times I would watch stories on Christian TV about addicts who were immediately delivered from their addictions and I would hit my knees and plead with God to let me be one of those people. But, I understand now that, while God does sometimes work in immediate ways, more often than not He wants us to go through trials to build our faith, character, and dependency on Him.

It was not until I left the Mormon Church and found a new church that I realized my Heavenly Father loved me, unconditionally,  for who I was – warts and all. No matter how many beers I drank or joints I smoked or porn sites I clicked on or dirty thoughts I had, NOTHING was going to change the fact that God loved me. I did not have to knock myself out trying to achieve unattainable standards of perfection. And, when I got tired of rolling around in the mud with the swine and sheepishly returned home with my tail tucked between my legs He rushed out to embrace me and He hasn’t let go. Over the last several months, as my relationship with Him develops, I have come to see God not as an impossible to please disciplinarian but as a doting Daddy who wants the best for His children.

A few months into attending my church, I went to a Men’s retreat. The topic was male sexuality and I listened in disbelief as guys opened up about their struggles with pornography. That weekend opened up my eyes to the fact that I was not alone in my addiction and it inspired me to reach out for help. A previous attempt at a faith-based 12 step program was a failure, largely because I was looking for a quick fix. When I realized how much work recovery is, I bailed.

I continued to struggle mightily with my addiction never achieving more than a few days of sobriety. I returned to the program 10 months ago, broken and desperate. This time, I entered determined to do the work and allow God to be in control of my recovery. As I work the steps, I realize that I have spent my whole life using porn to cover up the father-hurts I mentioned ealier. I am also just beginning to understand that much of my past and some of my present has roots in co-dependency: being driven by my compulsions, being tormented by dysfunction in the family I grew up in, low self esteem and the struggle to see my value, the constant worry over things I couldn’t change, my perfectionism, my desire to be in control of my circumstances, and the relentless pursuit to fill the emotional vacuum within myself and find meaning in my life. I have a lot of reprogramming to do as I attempt to clean the hard-drive of my mind and overcome years of negative thoughts and perceptions about myself as a man, son, husband, and father. It is a daily battle to manage my thoughts living in a society that sexualizes nearly every aspect of everyday life. However, I know that God will complete this good work He has begun in me and my past will be used to glorify Him. There is a “Genesis week” taking place in me. Just as God created something beautiful out of nothingness, just as He replaced the darkness with light, He is creating something beautiful out of the ugliness of my life, replacing the darkness inside me with His light. I trust in His plan for my life and have peace in the knowledge that His love for me is unconditional. I praise Him for what He has done, and will yet do, with my life.

I also owe a debt of gratitude to my wife. I call her my Beauty because she brings so much of it into my world. Other wives with struggling husbands ask her why she stuck it out, why she isn’t angrier with me. I wondered this myself until recently. God helped me to see that it was Crystal’s faith that sustained her through my darkest days. She understood that she could not fix me, no matter how desperately she might want to. As painful as it might have been for her to do, she was willing to place me at the foot of the Father’s throne, get out of His way, and trust Him to change my heart in His own way and in His own time.

There really is little I need to add here.

Some readers may be suprised to read such strong advocation of a faith-based recovery approach on my site. It’s true that my work does not focus on faith-based or 12-step plans, but my approach certainly doesn’t exclude either. I will always advocate building self-insight, and pulling together the principles and resources that we have available to us.

The essential key is learning, and fitting together a recovery plan that works for us in the long-term. I am indebted to MA for highlighting this, and much more. Thank you.

EM has been living with a porn-obsessed husband for an agonizingly long time. She kindly shares her story here:

i have been with my husband for 30 years, we have been married for 25. when we started to live together i noticed some magazines under the bathroom cabnets and i thought “o well all men have a book or two”. then the video tapes begin to come in, i didn’t mind because some of my girlfriends liked to look at them when they came over.

the more tapes that came in the house the less we had sex. my husband always had an excuse of why we were not having sex, weeks turned into months, and months turned into years. two years had passed, and i had just turned 25 years and i was not going to take it anymore. We would have very bad argument, and he would begin to make me feel bad about myself, he would tell me that no one wanted me, and i was fat, and if i wanted sex, i should go and get it.

This hurt me so bad, no one knew what i was going through because it was important for my husband to make people think we had the perfect marriage, and i would go along with him. After about two more years of this I had affair just for the sex and to feel like a woman again. I told my husband what i had done and he said he didn’t want to know about it.

now 25 years have passed and I am still living in this Hell but worse. Many nights I lay in my bed wanting to be with my husband and he would wait until I was asleep and go into the room and look at porn and masturbate, we would have sex about once of twice a year, once this year so far.

Last week I have had enough, I gather 5 large garbage bags full of DVD’s which cost around $25 to$30 dollars each. Their must have been at least $8,000 worth of DVD’s not counting the books and video tapes. i hid them in the truck of my car because I am to put them in the dumpster because my husband name is on them. I don’t know what to do, I feel like I am trapped in a sick place that I can’t get out of. Please help me.

We can only guess what drives your husband’s obsession with collecting and watching porn. Intimacy problems, self-resentment, low self-esteem… the possibilities are many. His neglectful behaviour is certainly a reaction to some ongoing pain or issue.

Whatever the reason for his compulsive habit may be, you are not the cause. It is not a reaction to your attractiveness or appeal. Yes he may well have had things too easy for far too long. By putting up with a husband’s neglect and selfishness for such a long time, partners do inadvertently help him get away with it. He feels justified, he feels like he’s winning a game. It’s an easy trap for couples to fall into, and rapidly becomes the living norm. The essential fact remains though - you are not the cause.

By his deluded logic, your affair is further justification for his habit. He gets to play the neglected victim; that’s very appealing to the addict. Just an opportunity for him to retreat further into his self-centered obsession. Removing his collection may, unfortunately, have the same effect; all part of his ridiculous routine.

We can see his desperate defence mechanisms at work; the accusations and refusal to accept the reality of how he lives. Husbands do attempt to shift blame by criticising and abusing their wives. It is one of the cruellest parts of the porn addiction ‘game’.

You also mention another common ‘game’ element; the ‘keeping up appearances’ routine. He wants his marriage to appear happy and successful to the outside world, and of course, you certainly don’t want to advertise this horrible mess either. So you find yourself dragged along with his deluded priorities, with no end in sight.

My simple advice would be to get out. You deserve more than year after year of neglect, disrespect and the torment of his games. He has abused your time, your intimacy, your money and your relationship for too long.

Now of course, the situation is rarely so straightforward. There clearly are reasons why you haven’t walked in 25 years. The second option is to set a clear, firm deadline. Tell him that you will leave him if he doesn’t wake up and seek help for his problem. Set a date for this. Make it clear that you don’t expect him to be fully recovered by this date, but he must have sought help. This must be evidenced by his actions as well as his words.

If he refuses to face the situation or responds with more games, it really is time to get out. I’m convinced that it is never too late to take this stand and, if need be, move on with your life.

Thank you EM for sharing your story, and I wish you every success.

Through this piercingly honest account, J explains his relationship with pornography:

I guess the only reason I am sharing this is so people can understand how destructive pornography addiction truly is and how it can happen to anyone.  Please keep the computer out of your kids room….

I’ve been addicted since the 5th grade when my friend and I found his Dad’s magazines.  I kept some magazines in my room the next few years and looked at them often.  I thought it was normal.  I thought I was normal.  I played baseball, rode my bike, had friends I loved to spend time with.

When my family got the internet a couple of years later I began spending large amounts of time looking at porn.  I thought this was normal, and even if it wasn’t I had an excuse to keep doing it that is so good I haven’t stopped using it to this day, at least never for long.

When I was around 13 a girl told me I was ugly.  I accepted what she said with absolute certainty for some reason, and realized then and there I would never have a girlfriend, and that no one would ever want to have sex with me.  While the normal kids grew up around me and started dating and having friends of the opposite gender, I didn’t.

I grew more and more consumed by looking at pornography on the internet for hours on end, telling myself at least I could see other people have sex since I never would.  I grew more and more angry at the world.

In the 10 or so years since, the rest of my life was slowly stripped away.  I really don’t have a hobby anymore.  I try to do things I used to do and I can’t enjoy them.  I really don’t have any friends.  It seems like the only thing any of them want to do is go out and meet women which just makes me feel worse watching them succeed at that when I can’t.  I don’t experience pleasure anymore.  On a typical day I go to work, come home, and look at porn for several hours until I am tired.  I probably have averaged at least 3 hours of pornography viewing every day for the last 5 years.  The longest I’ve ever stopped was 30 days.  Then I thought I could do it just once (since real and everything came crashing down.  Back to three hours a day, and when I’m in that zone the depravity of what I’ll view on the internet never ceases to amaze me - sometimes I can’t get it off the screen fast enough when I’m finished masturbating.  I hate myself.  I don’t have a soul.

My single minded purpose in life has became to have a girlfriend, like any normal guy.  I honestly care about nothing else, and I haven’t in a long time.  If I knew that I really never get to, I’d kill myself right now without thinking twice about it.  The level of obsession with sex, finding a girlfriend, “how can I fix myself and my life” is unbelievable.  I can’t articulate it.  You wouldn’t believe me.  I wake up thinking about this and I go to bed thinking about it and I think about it all day and I don’t ever stop.  It doesn’t EVER stop.

I go to work, I go to school, and I spend time with my family.  The people around me don’t know that I’m a shell of a person.  They don’t have a clue that I don’t feel my life is worth living.  They don’t know that every smile is fake, and that I’m ALWAYS thinking about something else.  They don’t know that every single time they mention their significant other, or make a comment about sex, or anything that could possibly be construed as related to sex or dating, I feel a knife through my heart.

Pornography.  It’s exactly how I’ve managed to stay in exactly the same place since I was 13.  It completely replaced legitimate sexuality for me.  There’s no way to undo it now.  The only thing that numbs the pain digs me that much deeper into the hole.  I could have been anything I wanted when I grew up.  Instead I bounce around wherever I can fit it and walk around all day with a chorus of voices in my head that tells me I have ruined my life.  I’m a 26 year old virgin and the chorus of voices tells me no woman would want to be anything more than a friend with me simply based on that, let alone my darker secret.  I have ruined my life, and I did it one day at a time as I sat down in front of my computer yet again.

If I’d had a choice at 18 to live these last 8 years or just end my life right then I wouldn’t have hesitated to die.  The only thing that keeps me going is it always seems like it couldn’t possibly last another 8 years, but the truth is I know it could.

It’s so strange to have this memory of being a normal kid with a nice future ahead of him.  That normal kid now wakes up everyday in his own personal version of hell.

I have no doubt that this account will convey the desolate reality of long-term porn addiction to every reader. You deliver a stark insight into how a habit can be so honestly understood and accounted for, and yet it continues to hold you in its grip of despair.

This is the double bind of addiction. As you say, the only thing that numbs the pain digs us that much deeper into the hole. Beneath layers of despair and self-loathing, we faintly recognise that there is still an element of choice in how we live. But it just feels too psychologically painful to stop doing this thing.

This isn’t going to turn into a pep-talk, I hasten to add. You rightly warn about the dangers of porn, but there is no suggestion in your account that you are playing the victim-of-porn role. You have self-awareness beyond that easy routine. You acknowledge what porn has been numbing for you. No pep-talk required.

So you know that addiction is an ongoing series of daily choices, albeit compulsive choices. That repeated decision to indulge in porn feels so hollow and numbed that it seems more like instinct than choice. But the fact remains, and that just makes it feel even more self-destructive.

Of course, your 30 day abstinence from porn was driven by choice, and so was the decision to revisit. As I’ve discussed before, that’s an experience that so many readers will relate to. After the achievement of holding out for days or weeks, the old urges conspire with our renewed confidence. We persuade ourselves that we’re entitled to a treat, just one more time.

So that slim, shred of choice presents a glimmer of hope. I don’t deny how impossibly remote it can seem too. We really feel like it’s too late to turn this around. We feel locked down, empty and all-consumed. All the time.

Our addictions develop one small step at a time. It’s an intricate, subtle process. Another website, another hour, a quick session before going to bed, just one more file to download. We ease ourselves further into this place of control, comfort and distraction. We can play this game for many years.

I find that the process of recovery is subtle too. It’s step by awkward step, as we encounter both the positivity and frustrations of real-world quitting. The resolution of the problem takes as long as its formation, often with countless setbacks along the way.

An escape from this is just as possible as another 8 years. I really have witnessed it happen.

You know the areas that need work, and have made some grown up admissions there. I can see that you’ve had these realisations for a long time. Without sounding glib, you are potentially closer to embarking on long-term recovery than I’m sure you appreciate. I sincerely hope that in time, you are able to capitalise and build the motivation to address these issues, step by step.

I am sincerely grateful to you for contributing your valuable story. Thank you, J.

Givenup has kindly submitted her frank account of living with a porn-addicted partner:

I was once married for 7 years to the man that I am now just living with. I accidently ran across his car trunk full of porn videos at that time. Had been wondering why I felt something was not right. Did not know until then that he would watch them late at night in his room. We slept and still sleep in seperate rooms due to his job as a truck driver and i like it quiet to be able to sleep.

Needless to say, we divorced in 2005 and got back together in 2007. He had stated that while we were not together he had dated other women, ALL that he had meet on PORN and SWINGER singles sites. Swore that all contact had been broken off! NOT true, Every night that he is home and off the road or when ever I leave the house to shop he is on porn sites. He is even downloading the pictures to his cell phone, has his computer hooked up to cell to enable chat with them. He is a recovering alcoholic. From my experience when a person w/COD gives up 1 habit, they acquire another, be it good or bad. Yes, I have worked w/Dual Diagnosed Clients.

I have confronted him with this issue he has now shifted the blame and the person or partner feels defeated. He states that he finds it fascinating to look at and is in denial of any problem with it. States that i am the one w/problem and do not know what I am talking about and if “I only knew”. Get real, facts are facts, i see it for what it is. He has NO other hobby and only “girl” friends that he can relate to. I find him up until 2,3 and 4am. And, yes this is how he relieves himself and makes no romatic moves towards me.

I have no problem with my own self esteem as I do take care of my looks. This has been going on for a year-ever since I came back. I am short on money at this time so, will put up my own boundries and go on as it is until I can move out. There’s no sense in fighting with someone who will not even admit to their problem. It only makes your own life more miserable. I can not see the justification of what he does and will never be able to. He, in his own mind wants us to get married again. I do not see this happening, as stated before, “His life revolves around PORN”. Any way he is able to get it, at all costs.

Would love to hear any input on this situation. Or, just maybe this might help someone else going through the same thing. thanks-Givenup

You make a very valid point here about the transference from one addiction or compulsion to another. It’s not uncommon for someone with a history of alcoholism or drug addiction to develop a damaging relationship with pornography. This certainly applies to people diagnosed with co-occurring disorders (where addiction is connected with a secondary personality disorder), but also to our ‘everyday’ bad habits and routines too. When we’ve come to rely on a habit to distract us from some personal pain or fear, that habit becomes intensely precious to us. Circumstances may force us to break the habit, but If we are unable to address the underlying pain, we are always at risk of picking up a new obsession.

The misery of divorce can sometimes serve as a wake up call for addicted husbands. When he gets a second chance, it really can go either way. He may have been sufficiently disrupted to take account of his behaviour, and used the opportunity to make real changes. If not, he may feel like he’s won some kind of victory. His deluded logic will feel justified - “so it was her problem all along, and now for business as usual…”.

You make it clear that sadly, your relationship falls into the latter category. He reacted to the break up by further engaging with porn sites and further indulging his delusion. His ongoing reliance on blame and denial games would indicate that he continues to seek avoidance of the real world. We can only guess what the underlying issues may be here, but his insensitivity towards your feelings is tragically apparent. His expectation of any possibility of remarriage under these circumstances is just a further indicator of delusion.

When addiction renders the relationship so desperately futile, there is sometimes no option for a partner but to move on.  As you say, it can reach a point where there is no benefit in fighting with someone who refuses to see the problem, especially after so much painful fallout. You have dealt with the inevitable insecurities that partners so often go through, and there is positivity to be taken from that. You are entitled to your own recovery. By this stage, he is fully aware of how his ongoing behaviour offends you, but remains too locked into pornographic titillation.

Thank you for your story. I wish you a timely and successful release, and hope that your partner eventually achieves his own liberation from addicted routines.

DB kindly shares his account of first coming across porn sites, and how easily a distressing obsession can develop:

I had little interest in porn before the Internet, I had never even bought a pornographic magazine.

My problems started around 3 years ago when my health began to fail due to a still undiagnosed neurological condition. I was off work for around 6 weeks and spent most of that on the internet researching my symptoms, most of the medical stuff utterly depressed me. I convinced myself I was serioulsy ill. Mentally I was all over the place and was prescribed Diazapam, an anti epileptic drug and anti depressants. I began looking for anything to take my mind off my health and followed some porn links that popped up on my yahoo messenger.

I spent days trawling this site and the sights they linked to. I then progressed to downloading films  from share sites. Ever since, I have spent hours looking at porn, sometimes the stuff on my computer, sometimes online porn and sometimes one would lead to the other.

It began to take over my life, I began neglecting my wife, choosing instead to stay on my computer and would go to work on little sleep only to do the same thing the next night. My neurological condition seemed to come and go, but when it was bad I’d drink whisky and take diazapam to feel better and then inevitably end up back on my computer in a trance like state.

I’d think about porn all day at work and would dream it at night. My self esteem got lower and lower, I just felt like a zombified slave.

As time went on, I became more indiscrinate about which links I followed and came accross unsavoury sites. Stupidly, I had let my virus protection run out and got infected with all sorts of viruses that would load up pages I didn’t want to see including some that really disturbed me.

I realised that generally the material on the net seemed to be getting more and more unstable and risky yet I just couldn’t stop. I began to realise that I had a problem but was too embarassed and ashamed to talk to anyone about it. The crazy thing is I loved my wife and didn’t feel the need for anyone else I just couldn’t stop browsing.

A month ago we had a baby daughter and I used this positive aspect as a focal point. I purged my computer, bought virus software, I have installed net nanny with all porn blocked and I am in the process of changing my ISP to BT who apparently black list and block nasty sites.

The change I have felt in the last 4 weeks has been extraordinary, I feel liberated, I enjoy my time with my family and wife infinitely more and I genuinely believe that I will never look at porn again.

Can I just add that I admire what you’re doing, I don’t think poople realise just how dangerous the internet has become. It appears to be absolutely saturated with all types of porn and I thinks it’s getting worse. I’m not sure what the answer is, but as far as I’m concerned the easiest way is to avoid it entierely.

A harmless search for online distraction that became an overpowering addiction to pornography; I often speak with people who have run into this very problem. Temporary escapism from illness, unemployment, financial worries, relationship difficulties, bereavement; let’s not deny it: porn certainly delivers. An instant realm of anonymous, unlimited fantasy and distraction just a closed door and a few clicks away. But there’s a catch, and we all know what that is.

Anything that we turn to for escapism has the potential to become addictive. Just consider how many hours we spend in front of the TV. For the reasons I just touched on, internet porn is dangerously engaging. Unlike drugs or alcohol, we can’t get physically hooked but the ‘porn session’ buzz can be disturbingly similar. You mention the trance-like state, the neglected sleep and the creeping desire to explore stronger stuff. Porn addicts describe an otherworldy buzz, a feeling, a taste in the back of the mouth, a slipping of time. We’re talking about a surge of brain chemicals here, after all.

Despite all this, it pleases me to read the very positive side of your story. With a new arrival in your family, you’ve been able to build on the positivity and fresh start surrounding this lovely event. All of this, combined with self-awareness and genuine motivation, has empowered you to be completely accountable and take deliberate action for change. It’s great news indeed.

Thank you for submitting your story, and for your words of encouragement. I wish you every ongoing success.

HT has submitted her story of living with a porn-addicted partner, and the ongoing despair that it has caused:

I am a 23 year old mother of two beautifully wonderful children. I have a wonderful husband of 3 years. When it all started 6 years ago we would watch porn everyday. When things got serious between us I started having issues with him looking at it. (I have self esteem and repressed anger issues of my own) it started after we moved in together and got cable. our cable bill skyrocketed he would rent movies while i was asleep next to him, buy magazines, read erotica, surf the web every chance he got (I even started talking to an ex again with him in the other room and he was too engulfed in his search - he didn’t even know i was on the phone, and i made sure i talked loud enough he could hear me).

When i got pregnant with our son i put my foot down and we split up. we remained apart for 9 months. I never thought he was really a porn addict, so after we got back together i would joke about him being an addict to friends and family. I was hurting him and didn’t know it. i thought things were OK it had been 3 years since he had looked at it or so i thought.

Two days ago it started again, I came home and found out he had not hid his “evidence” very well. So of course i blew up. got divorce papers, tried to kick him out and he would not go. he admitted that all my joking was real and that he really was a porn addict. i was devastated. I know an addict has no idea how it feels from the other side. I felt betrayed, hurt, unworthy, and unloved and unappealing. i felt like i was not good enough to look at so why should I stay. Then he reassured me that he loved me with all his heart and asked me to help him with his addiction so now here i am asking for someone to help me help him because i don’t know what to do. I have never dealt with this before. This is my cry for help because he thinks everything will be OK if we just talk about it every so often but i think it will take more then that.

Thanks HT for sharing your situation and feelings with such openness. It’s certainly not unusual for a partner’s porn habit to cause a series of unhappy rifts in a relationship, often over the course of years. All the time, he’s trying to both protect and avoid his compulsive behaviour, and his partner tries to hold things together in the face of all this conflict, neglect and hurt. This can become a horribly prolonged experience.

Your story higlights two of the factors which are so often present in this situation: blowing up and ridicule. Unfortunately, both are factors that generally serve to compound the problem rather than resolve it. Of course, this is absolutely no criticism of your reactions to your husband’s behaviour. These are a partner’s instinctive reactions to a desperate problem. Every couple who has been through this emotional rollercoaster will recognise them well.

With the devastation of discovering a husband’s secret habit, or his continuing obsession after promising to quit, it’s completely natural to hit out at him with rage and accusation. There’s logic to it too; perhaps he will begin to understand the pain that his habit has caused, and an opportunity for change will open up. Sadly, the addiction is usually too strong; his barriers of denial will come up and he’ll return to his habit for consolation. It’s the only place where he really feels in control - this is the bizarre nature of porn addiction.

Making light of the problem with friends and family is a common reaction too. For the partner, it is an attempt to find some support outside of the relationship. Let’s not forget how lonely and hopeless an addict’s partner can feel. It can also be an attempt to humiliate him into facing reality and changing his ways. Again, this inevitably has the opposite effect. He will return to the oblivion of porn, feeling even more wronged and tormented.

In essence, these reactions are all part of the horrible ‘porn addiction game’. You are forced to be persecutor and he gets to be victim, which is the favourite role of any addict. Through rows, emotional distance and solemn promises to really quit this time, couples become locked into a cycle of despair and hopelessness.

The very hopeful news comes towards the end of your account. Painful as it is for you both, his honest acceptance that he has an addiction is a positive step. By requesting your help and offering real discussion, I would suggest that there is definite potential for you both to move forward. However, you are completely correct - open dialogue between you both is essential, but there is a lot more to be done.

Lasting recovery requires genuine motivation on his part and a clear action plan over the coming weeks and months. For both of you, it is a step-by-step process of rebuilding confidence and intimacy. My recovery plan can certainly help provide these steps, along with clear options for him to understand the drives behind his compulsive behaviour. Also, there are some excellent resources recommended on this site. It’s easier said than done, but my key advice at this stage would be to recognise any sign of ‘persecutor’, and try to channel your frustration into a more supportive role. My guide also expands on the options for partners to achieve this.

I wish you both every success in rebuilding your future together.

R explains her despair and frustration at living with a pornography addicted partner:

It is really so hard. My partner is completely addicted to porn. I really just want out of the relationship but financially it is impossible right now. So I feel totally trapped. I have tried to reason with him about his problem but he just blames me. saying that he has to feel good somehow. He also has an anger problem. It all started when I discovered his porn use early in the relationship. I was heartbroken because I felt I had given myself to him heart and soul only to discover that he prefered a computer image to me. But i forgave him as he promised to stop.

But he didn’t. the evidence was continually on the computer. He doesn’t seem to have any regard at all for the pain he has caused me. In fact he doesn’t even think it is a problem. I have lost total respect for him and just see him as weak and selfish.

I have felt compared to pornstars and have gone from feeling sexually vibrant and free to feeling unnatractive and repressed. I have well and truly had enough. I look at him and all i see is sleaze. We share a child together though which makes it so much harder.

For a long time I thought I was the problem and now I know the truth. having a relationship with a porn addict is like having a relationship with half a person. They are not mentally or emotionlly available at all. I often felt like he was sleeping with another woman because his focus was so distracted all the time but it was just the porn. it’s almost like he’s in a relationship with it. I KNOW it’s not my fault but the pain is really hard to deal with. and being angry is not fun either. I am angry because his selfishness has caused me so much pain and it’s even impossible to speak my truth because he turns it into a mind game argument twisting and turning everything. He disempowers me. any advice on dealing with these emotions would be great.

I’m sure that many partners will be able to relate to the emotional pain and disempowerment that you so clearly describe here. Thank you for sharing your story.

You are aware that you are not the cause of your partner’s destructive habit, and I’d like to completely agree with you in this respect. From my own experience of working with addicts and their partners, the causes of the habit always lie elsewhere. Unfortunately, the addict very often seeks his own justification by blaming his partner, only adding to the deception and cruelty that porn addiction brings to a relationship.

‘Half a person’ is a very apt description of the porn addicted husband or boyfriend. He’s still around the house, but emotionally living on automatic pilot. He’s numbed and distracted; just going through the motions until he can get back in front of the computer. The one sure way to get him fired up is any attempt to intervene between him and his solitary routines on the internet; the resulting rage and sulks can seem completely out of character. Partners so often find themselves questioning what happened to the guy they fell in love with.

The addicted state has its own set of coping mechanisms, and all of them wreak havok with relationships. We’ve already touched on the delusion of shifting blame onto the partner. There are all those promises to quit too; these may be well-intentioned, or empty words just to get you off his back. Either way, the lack of any real action or conviction just makes them hollow, desperate ploys.

Compulsive addictions thrive on mind games, and the unfortunate partner will come to recognise three repeating roles. Self-pitying promises to quit arise when the addict plays victim. Blame shifting happens when he shifts from victim to persecutor, and tries to gain advantage by fighting back. This is when the anger blows up. With sufficient damage done, he can even shift again to rescuer, explaining that everything would be ok if you just gave him space, let him do as he pleases, etc. He’s now the victim again.

For partners, it is indeed difficult to avoid playing along with the porn addiction games. His addicted logic will be expecting you to shift between these three roles too, in endless rounds of tit-for-tat and despair. The alternative to these games feels like giving in; blinding yourself to the problem so that he can pursue his fantasies and routines at leisure.

To break out of these games, I advise a stance of almost-clinical detachment from the problem, with a clearly set deadline for change. It’s a delicate balance; my Porn Game Over recovery guide explores this topic further, and the links section on this site recommends other useful resources for partners. There’s a place for offering support too, but this will only benefit once he breaks out of denial and honestly accepts the problem; otherwise, he’ll just play victim.

I hope that this brief summary gives some perspective to a horrible situation, and I wish you every success.