As the author of a self-help book about overcoming addiction, my ears pricked up when I heard about the release of Fireproof. It’s all about a guy who, inspired by a self-help book from his father, overcomes porn addiction and a raft of other problems to recover his marriage from the brink of disaster.

Not a subject commonly featured in Hollywood blockbusters, I think you’ll agree.

Can such a movie deliver a message of hope and support to those spending-too-much-time-watching-porn guys in the audience? Is it really possible to get these issues in front of mainstream audiences in the first place,  and then avoid preaching or alienating them?

I was intrigued. And then I watched the trailer…

… and the answer is a resounding no.

Ok I haven’t watched the movie. I’m not going to bash a Christian-made film aimed at Christian-filmgoers. I might chortle at the line “Marriages aren’t fireproof, Michael… sometimes you get burnt” but I appreciate what the makers are trying to achieve here.

But I just can’t relate, and that’s the issue here. As porn addiction films go,  Confessions of a Porn Addict undoubtedly hits the wider target, probably with more poignancy than creator Spencer Rice ever intended.

So is watching porn behind your partner’s back the equivalent of having an affair? Atlantic Magazine currently features some in-depth musing on this very question.

Ross Douthat clearly believes that the parallels between adultery and indulging in porn are much closer than many of us may recognise. He concedes that his argument is from a socially conservative, Christian viewpoint, but he does put forward some interesting ideas without moralising.

The suburbanite with the hardcore porn hookup is masturbating to real sex, albeit at a DSL-enabled remove. He’s experiencing it in an intimate setting, rather than in a grind house alongside other huddled masturbators in raincoats, and in a form that’s customized to his tastes in a way that mass-market porn like Deep Throat and Debbie Does Dallas never was. … The Internet era has ratcheted the experience of pornography much closer to adultery than I suspect most porn users would like to admit.

Douthat extends his theory with a consideration of how porn-focussed masturbation, secrecy and the financial cost of porn lead men further into the realms of virtually adulterous behaviour.

It makes for an interesting read. His reasoning is stretched at times; he has to navigate around the tricky aspects of couples openly consenting to watch porn, or the artistic end of the erotica market. I don’t get all of his points, but he does cast the complex nature of porn addiction in an interesting light.

It’s a common misconception that only guys get into problems with pornograpy. Lancaster Online is running a series of articles on porn, including this report about female porn users and the story of Wendy, a recovered addict.

Whilst Wendy’s story is genuinely touching and motivational, I think it’s important to note that most addicts don’t share the same tragic background. Abuse and neglect certainly can lead to compulsive sexual problems later in life, but from my experience, the majority of addicts enjoyed stable, nurtured childhoods. Addictions can form for much more banal reasons, though the impact is just as painful and destructive.

To quote Kathleen A. Neff, a licensed social worker and addictions counsellor, from the report:

“Women deal with the same kinds of pressures men face in today’s society and, with them, the same fear of failure.”

I’m always on the lookout for new statistics on porn addiction. Quality research is hard to find.

From my own experience of working as an addiction therapist, I’m sure that porn addiction is increasingly recognised as a widespread issue. The growing traffic and enquiries I receive through this website are also evidence of the trend.

Having said that, I’m also convinced that of the many millions of people who regularly access pornography, the vast majority don’t have a troubled or compulsive relationship with it. However, news stories and recovery websites frequently quote statistics suggesting that the problem is a full-on epidemic. As with any survey findings and stats, it pays to examine the purpose of the research, and the sponsor behind it.

Firstly, we have the problem of definition, specifically with the term ‘addiction’. Any survey that bandies the word around is going to get some skewed results, for the reasons I’ve written about previously.

Next, there’s the obvious embarrassment that surrounds this delicate aspect of our private lives. Many of the stats are based on surveys of people already attending recovery groups or some form of therapy. We have little insight into the proportion of addicts who have yet to come to terms with their habit, and I suspect this proportion is a large one. A BBC survey at the beginning of this year produced some fascinating results, but still within this constraint.

Let’s not forget the motive behind much of the research too. I’ve read reports churned out by tabloid newspapers, far-right groups, freedom-of-speech groups, religious groups, sellers of therapy materials and parties with some other vested interest in the results. A healthy dose of cynicism should always be applied.

For example, here’s a recent news feature about the consequences of porn addiction. I’m not criticising the article - it’s an insightful piece and features some interesting case studies and comments. Let’s pick out some of the quoted stats:

Forty percent of porn addicts lose their spouses, 58 percent suffer severe financial losses, and as many as 40 percent will lose their jobs.

Some pretty hairy figures. This was part of Mary Anne Layden’s testimony to the U.S. Senate during hearings on “The Science Behind Pornography Addiction,” in November 2004. Layden is a psychotherapist and director of education at the Center for Cognitive Therapy at the University of Pennsylvania. We’re not told in the article where these stats originate from, but the context of their deployment is interesting.

For the 10 percent of adults admitting to sexual addiction, …

That’s some percentage, but we’re not informed where the figure comes from.

Paying subscribers to adult Web sites: 10 million
Individuals viewing at least one adult Web site per week globally: 70 million
One viewing session typically involves: 75 to 100 pages

These stats don’t specifically target addiction, but the sensational message is clear. The article does mention that these figures are provided by TopTen Reviews Inc. They sell internet software and their research carries the caveat: “… In reality, statistics are hard to ascertain and may be estimated by local and regional worldwide sources.” My point exactly.

So where am I going with this, and what’s my vested interest in the subject? Perhaps I’m talking down the size of a problem that my own website is designed to help address. Alternatively, I could be underestimating the sheer scale of the issue. With stats like these, we really can’t say.

I have a feeling that porn addiction statistics may always suffer from the constraints mentioned above, but this isn’t a call for researchers to give up on the subject. I’d really like to get a clearer picture of the extent of the problem, and hope that some new survey will deliver it one of these days. Until then, we should be clear that the stats are vague conjecture, and are too easily worked to underline any argument about pornography (both for and against) and any debate about the reality of porn addiction.

We just don’t know how big the problem is.  If you’re troubled by your porn habit, it’s possible to deduce from the shock-horror stats that you are one of the lost millions on a hopeless voyage to despair. Other stats might convey that everyone else is doing it so why worry? These are disorientating messages at a time when you need a handle on your own predicament.

Let’s simply conclude with what we do know. You aren’t alone. If you are worried about your habit, it doesn’t matter how you compare with the masses - you are entitled to help and support in making some positive changes.

The HR director for a 400-employee firm recently had some questions for me. Her IT department has been monitoring internet access for years, and she’s become used to receiving reports of porn surfing employees. When staff members are confronted, however, she has noticed a significant increase in admissions of ‘porn addiction’.

She doesn’t hear the classic excuses so often; ‘my pc must have caught a virus’, ‘I didn’t know what I was clicking on - it just popped onto the screen’ or ‘the cleaners must have found my pc left on’. Increasingly, employees are admitting that their desire to engage in pornography is out of control. What’s the best way to manage this situation? Is ‘porn addiction’ a cheap excuse for seeking thrills at work, or are they succumbing to a genuine addiction?

It’s probable that porn addiction has always been the root cause of illicit activities on the office computer. Surfing porn at work may even have added to the rebellious, reckless thrill of the compulsive habit. The raised profile of sex and porn addicts in the media may have allowed for a greater honesty and admission when it leads to trouble with the boss. I like to think that might be the case.

The trouble is, the old excuses made everything much easier for HR departments. The employee would awkwardly deny it was them, despite reports and recorded evidence to the contrary. After repeated challenge and denial situations, they’d be fired in accordance with company policy. Simple as that. Now we’re talking about a compulsive problem, a personal disorder that has only been made worse by office internet access.

Unless the surfing is illegal or extreme, first offences of inappropriate internet use at work generally lead to a warning. In many cases, this is sufficient. For the employee with a mild porn habit, it can be a wake-up call. The risks to income, career and reputation suddenly seem too real. Along with the warning, however, I would always advise providing the opportunity to talk about any potential problem. Make it clear that this is not an invitation for excuses - the job remains at risk - but if the staff member feels that they may have a problem habit with porn, support is available.

In this situation, an offer of arranged, confidential counselling would be appropriate; it’s an approach increasingly adopted by larger employers. The intention is to assist the staff member in accepting accountability for their behaviour, and regaining control. In most cases, counselling can help address an addiction to porn. Secondly, a mutual agreement to filter or block their internet access can also be constructive, though office employment duties do increasingly require some level of internet access.

Of course, the provision of counselling will incur some cost. However, when compared to the cost of managing repeated offences, official disciplinary proceedings, sacking and recruitment expenses, this approach can work out very favourably for everyone concerned.

‘Confessions of a Porn Addict’ made its world premiere on March 29 at the Canadian Filmmakers Festival. Created by writer and comedian Spencer Rice, it’s a mix of mock documentary and bizarrely romantic comedy. A trailer clip can be viewed here.

What’s unexpected is the sweetness and sadness in the story of Mark Tobias, who deeply laments how his addiction cost him his marriage and longs to be reunited with wife. “I wanted to do a film about porn addiction because I think it is somewhat an issue in our culture although this is not a polemic film in any way, shape, or form.” says Rice, “But it is something people can relate to and have feelings about.”

There’s no mistaking that Rice’s film is a comedy, and by all accounts, a “thoroughly filthy” one at that. It features a strong cameo appearance by one of America’s most notorious porn producers, and the end result is a weird and unconventional viewing experience. A low budget, irreverent comedy about a porn addict. No I haven’t had the opportunity to watch it, but I think it sounds great.

As any porn addict will agree, the depths of compulsive porn use is no laughing matter. It’s a lonely, desperate experience for the addict and his family. However, I don’t get the impression that this film sets out to ridicule or trivialise the lead character. I really don’t see how that could be achieved. The comedy target is the farcical state of addiction, and all the banal, daily routines that come with it.

I like the idea of a film which highlights the ridiculous futility and isolation of porn addiction. It sounds like Rice discovered the perfect topic for some dark comedy treatment. To quote the lead character, “It’s almost funny, if it wasn’t so ****ing sad”.

There’s a vast overlap between internet addiction and porn addiction. Most porn addicts show signs of internet addiction, and porn preoccupation features heavily in internet addiction. It’s a complex relationship and you can tie yourself up in mental knots trying to figure out which addiction came first. Fortunately, a good recovery plan addresses both sides of the problem. Mine certainly does (yep, another shameless plug).

A debate rages about how we define both disorders too. Can we really call them addictions? Can we call them disorders? Dr. Jerald Block, a respected psychiatrist from the US, has recently been writing about internet addiction, or to use his phrase, pathological computer use:

“I avoid the use of the word ‘addiction.’ It is just too explosive, political, and packed with other meanings. I prefer to think of this as a compulsive-impulsive spectrum disorder, much like compulsive eating, gambling, pyromania, and trichotillomania.”

I would certainly agree; the term porn addiction is far from ideal too, and for the very same reasons. So why do I use it so much? Why isn’t the tagline of this site ‘Break out of compulsive-impulsive porn stimulation’ or ‘Pathological porn use recovery’…? Whether it’s scientifically accurate or not, porn addiction is the term that we all grasp and can relate to. The very same applies to internet addiction, and that’s why Dr. Block continues to use it too.

So yes, there are issues over applying the term addiction here, and plenty of writers will remind us of the fact. But in many ways, this is one of those debates where everyone ends up right. Mike Masnick, a critic of the addiction label, concludes:

“… and almost every story of internet addiction really tends to be about deeper issues that resulted in someone seeking an outlet on the internet (from depression, bad family situations, alcoholism, etc.). Focusing on the “internet” part tends to have people trying to treat a symptom, not the disease.”

Now that’s something we can all agree on. When it comes to porn addiction, that is why a successful recovery plan extends much further than clamping down on surfing porn. It’s a voyage of self-discovery and acceptance. It addresses issues of craving, withdrawal and compulsive behaviour; the common components of addiction.

So what’s the best way to educate kids about the risks of porn addiction? How can parents and teachers give kids practical advice about porn, without restricting the development of their natural sexual awareness?

I’m asked about this a lot, especially by parents who have experienced the porn addiction problem in their own relationships, and worry about the potential impact on their kids. In my view, there are certainly some not-so-great approaches and I’ve blogged about these before. This can be a delicate issue for parents; well-intentioned attempts at filtering internet access can so easily send an anti-sex message, which could potentially impair a child more than viewing porn, or create a ‘porn bugbear’ that increases a child’s fixation rather than addresses it.

Why not take a cue from a Salt Lake junior high school that was in the news this week?

Now I’m not suggesting that you hurl the family computer off the roof, with your little angels lined up and clapping on the front lawn. What I do like about this report is the positive, engaging message generated by this school’s campaign:

Both Smock and Patch [school principals] agree communication is the key to stopping pornography addiction before it starts. “Talk to your children. Make sure there’s open communication, and make sure they don’t feel like it’s something secret,” Patch said.

Exactly.

Quick summary: for some time now, the UK children’s charity NCH has been pushing for new computers to come factory-installed with internet filtering software. In their view, the same should apply to mobile devices, and filtering should be preset to a high level.

I’ve blogged before about my internet filter concerns, but I can appreciate the general logic here. Some parents don’t understand the internet, or the potential for kids to run into unsuitable material. Many parents are going to struggle to outwit their internet savvy kids when it comes to enforcing net-nanny software. In theory, an out-of-the-box filter sounds like the answer… but I have my doubts.

Internet filtering software can be a useful tool. I recommend filtering to recovering porn addicts as part of their action plan. You might know the password and you might be able to get around it in seconds, but in a moment of possible relapse, it’s another small barrier to help you think twice. It helps break the instinct of habit, but serves little purpose in it’s own right. Filtering must be part of an overall plan.

The same very much applies to protecting kids. Pre-installed or not, the software filter doesn’t work 100%. Very often, it can’t separate harmful adult content from educational adult content. Many kids will relish the technical challenge to hack through the filter. Without explanation and rapport with your kids, the filtering approach can even backfire. Nothing raises curiosity and intrigue more than a ‘this site has been banned!’ message across the screen.

So in a recent House of Commons committee hearing, I’m encouraged by the comments made by Matt Lambert, head of corporate affairs at Microsoft:

Lambert said a better solution would be for parents to be better educated about what their children are looking at online and what content filters are available. He added that Microsoft runs a schools programme aiming to educate children about internet content and online safety.

“There has been low takeup but intriguingly there is not low awareness of it … parents are not acting,” he said.

“Setting [filtering controls] at a high level is the equivalent to blocking the internet … it would be living in the dark ages in my view.”

Now this adds some much needed balance to the filtering argument.

Stephen Carrick Davies, the chief executive of Childnet International, also spoke at the hearing:

Davies suggested the answer might lie in a three-pronged approach. He said this strategy would involve self-regulation by the industry; empowering, supporting and educating schools; and making sure that parents help children so they are savvy enough and “equipped just as how they are when they walk down the high street”.

So let’s devote more of this high-level debate to raising awareness. Let’s consider what else could be done to educate children and parents about the realities of internet content risks. Let’s work to counter the awkwardness, stigma and irrational fears surrounding the subject. Let’s not expect computer manufacturers solve this problem with bits of compulsory software.

Another news feature about virtual sex addiction, along with telltale signs that your partner might be involved in a ‘cyber affair’. It’s a slightly one-track article, but it does feature a couple of interesting quotes.

James Hennenhoefer, president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, says that an obsession with the Internet is a factor in “certainly well over half of the [divorce] cases” he sees, with three quarters of those cases related to cybersex, infidelity or pornography. The other 25 percent of cases involve hiding assets or other financial concerns.

I find the mention of obsession with the Internet intriguing. I would expect the internet to feature highly in adultery cases; if a partner is going to seek out an affair, they are going to use a contact website. Leaving any moral judgement aside, that doesn’t necessarily point to an addiction or internet obsession problem. But if this proportion of divorce cases involve online addiction behaviour, that’s a remarkable statistic.

Divorce lawyer Christine M. Whitehead does mention an alternative viewpoint towards pornography use, along with her own reasoned response:

She said she even heard one therapist, a man, say that surfing pornographic online sites “is not such a bad thing. No one gets hurt. No disease is coming from it. … Hey, he’s not taking that blonde out in the car in a convertible. He’s in the house. It’s just his weird thing, like he plays chess.”

“That’s one way to look at it,” said Whitehead. “Maybe it’s the new golf, I don’t know.”

However, she said, “When every time after dinner he is running to his office to get on these websites instead of having a conversation with his wife, it becomes very insidious in a relationship. It becomes very destructive, forgetting the in-bed intimacy, but just the intimacy. That’s what I’m hearing a lot.”

Yep - that’s exactly the point when surfing porn is clearly a problem. A great quote!