I soon became very bored with the David Duchovny sex addiction scandal. It’s been done to death in the gossip columns and news blogs, and I’m sure many readers are feeling the same.

But there’s always a positive aspect: the ongoing media coverage of the wider problem. For example, a great article appeared in The Sun a few days ago.

Steve Cole, Addiction Services Manager at the Cygnet Hospital in London, explains one of the most common symptoms of pornography addiction:

“It means it can be conducted in secret and the wildest fantasies can be lived out online. Addicts may start to spend more and more time online, amassing collections of pornography.

The partner of a sex addict may not even know what their other half is going through, but bizarrely a big warning sign is usually when they stop wanting sex.”

He also offers sound, practical advice for facing up to the problem:

The first step is recognising there is a problem and then seeking help from an addiction counsellor. And he stresses that it need not be a dedicated sex therapist since the mechanisms of addiction are the same.

He says: “Addiction therapists will look at addiction across the board whether it’s drugs, alcohol, gambling, shopping or sex. The sufferer may not experience actual withdrawal symptoms but will still need time to detox from the compulsion in a safe environment.”

I should add that ‘detox’ from porn addiction is not about private clinics or therapy retreats… unless you have the finances of a Hollywood A-lister. As part of a recovery plan, we can all take steps to create our own ’safe environment’. I’m planning to blog some more on this very soon.

Alex kindly shares his account of porn compulsion through our What’s Your Story page:

This is my story. I developed a porn habit from the age of 14 years old when I was at school. Like many teenage boys porn was something that you inevitably came across and had to deal with, I wasn’t very confident with girls and so porn became an easy option sexually.

I have struggled with my porn habit for many many years (well over 30years now) going through phases of more or less intense use of porn. When I got a computer & access to the internet my porn use became far more of an obsession or a compulsion (i’m not sure I would call my behaviour an addiction as such?).

I amassed a very large collection of images & film clips and DVD movies, I must have spent several thousand hours searching for images and several hundred pounds on films.

But in the end I felt more and more alone, empty, depressed and started to have fairly bad migraine headaches about 24hrs after using porn. I felt increasingly disconnected from myself really. In the end I came to feel that my use of porn was all meaningless and all completely pointless, I became completely sick & tired of using porn, and I had to finally admit to myself that porn actually made me a very unhappy person. I also came to realize that using porn IS a choice and that I could stop using porn if I wanted too.

I have managed to let go of my porn habit by choice and having regular weekly therapy has been a big help. I have chosen to stop hurting myself & stop hating myself. Finally I recently took the final step & destroyed my large collection of images and DVD’s & I do feel much happier for it. I have broken the shackles of my habit. I would say to other men that you can do the same as me, I’m nobody special when it comes to porn use. It IS possible to break the habit of porn use and it is possible to like yourself and to forgive yourself for the past. Using porn doesn’t make you a bad person.

It really pleases and encourages me to hear from people like Alex. This is a moving account of release from a deeply negative experience, and I’m extremely grateful to him for sharing it here.

Many readers will be able to relate to those lost hours: the intense searching and archiving of internet images and film clips. Collecting and hoarding porn can become an obsession. Sometimes, it’s as if the addicted instinct is acting autonomously. You’re not sure exactly why you need to gather so much porn, but you just have to do it. CD-Rs, DVD-Rs, second hard disks, USB drives, that folder cunningly titled ‘work spreadsheets’… the porn collection becomes a much prized stash and an object of loathing at the same time.

Many recovering addicts admit that they didn’t often watch the porn they saved either. The thrill is in the search, the chase. In failed attempts to quit the habit, they may have deleted every file… only to begin a new collection days later. It’s a strange, solitary game.

Now here’s the good news: a key part of recovery is acknowledging the reality of those wasted hours, and then moving on. “It is possible to like yourself and to forgive yourself for the past” explains Alex, and he makes an extremely important point.

Recovery means rediscovering the value of choice. Each time an addict loses himself in porn, he has chosen to do so. It may be the self-destructive choice, and it may have become so instinctive that it no longer feels like an act of choice. Escapism, distraction, numbing pain, desperation, frustration, craving for routine, craving for stimulation… these are all common motivations for dedicating lonely hours to porn. Whatever the underlying cause, it remains an act of choice.

This is good news because it means you can always start making different choices. Breaking this cycle of bad choices takes some effort, motivation and a willingness to accept change. It needs recognition that you developed an addictive problem for some reason, but it’s a problem with a beginning and an end. It’s perfectly natural to experience degrees of guilt, shame and resentment for your habit. The process of recovery often means fully experiencing these emotions, and then allowing yourself to move on, learning from the experience and leaving the addicted past behind. It’s about focusing on new goals, and this choice is available to us all.

Thank you Alex, and I wish you every success in your ongoing journey.

I receive quite a few questions along these lines:

• What type of porn do addicts look at?
• How much time do addicts spend surfing porn sites?
• I watch porn - does that mean I have a problem?

All perfectly understandable enquiries - there is a lot of talk about porn/sex addiction, and a whole load of people at looking at porn. Before I jump in with answers, here’s a quote from an excellent news feature published today. Sexuality therapist and educator Annette Owens, MD, Ph.D. says:

I gave the green light to using erotica and porn as part of a healthy sex life, especially if you struggle with arousal. They are great tools to help you get in the mood for sex and to add a little spice. But just like your chili can get too hot, online porn can become too much. It’s time for the red flag to go up when someone:

1. Depends on arousal through Internet use (fantasy, chat, video, etc.)

2. Loses control of time

3. Experiences feelings of guilt about Internet use

4. Tries to find ways to get online when on vacation

5. Hides his/her Internet activity by keeping visited sites secret

6. Spends time at work using the Internet for porn

And if this someone has a partner, excessive Internet porn use can send the couple’s sex life into a downward spiral.

I really couldn’t have put it better myself.

The dividing line between harmless, recreational porn and problem, compulsive porn varies for every individual. So there’s no definitive test for a problem relationship with porn, but the criteria above has all the typical indicators covered.

A reader kindly submitted this what’s your story? contribution:

I’m beginning to hate myself for watching so much porn and it seems like I never do much else now. I watch porn on the computer every day and usually end up laying on my bed and staring at the ceiling and wishing I didn’t stay up so late doing it. I tell myself I’m not going to do it again and tomorrow will be different and a new start. This happens every day now over and over. I really want to change all of this and my life is a waste.

Your situation is going to sound horribly familiar to many readers of this blog.

“Right, that’s it. All this porn has got to stop. It’s out of control. Tomorrow will be different. From now on…”. So many addicts have this inner conversation after a porn session, and it really does feel like the last straw. “My life is going to change tomorrow…”.

This is cold turkey talk, and we all do it. It’s our initial response to any bad habit, from biting our nails to watching too much porn. We tell ourselves that we’re simply not going to do it anymore, but making this a reality is a very different story. Yes cold turkey might work for a few days or weeks, but pretty soon, we slip back into habit again. Sheer willpower is rarely enough.

In the rare cases that cold turkey successfully works out, there is usually some significant event or outside influence that makes the difference. A smoker might cold turkey quit because they have been diagnosed with a serious health problem. A porn addict might cold turkey quit because their partner walked out, or they were sacked for ogling porn in the office. Don’t wait for something like this to come along for you.

Breaking a habit requires a two-pronged approach, and the good news is that you’re halfway there. As well as deciding what you’re going to stop doing, you should spend a little time planning what actions you are going to take. Research the porn addiction problem, join a support forum, talk to someone you can trust and adopt a quit plan. A recovery plan will help you to replace your habit, rather than bottle it up. You’ll also find that you’re certainly not alone here.

Of course, breaking an addiction requires motivation and a clear willingness to change. Your self-honesty and the very fact that you’ve submitted this message suggests to me that you certainly are ready to make some changes. You can channel that determination and powerful emotion into working on a quit plan, rather than beating yourself up over your habit.

Thanks for sharing your situation, and I wish you every success.

A reader kindly submitted this what’s your story? contribution:

Hi my name is Ed, I am a recovering addict but I have become addicted to porn item. Now looking for suggestions or help to stop this terrible habit. I know nothing good will come of this but my attic brain doesn’t know when to stop.

If you have any suggestions please let me know thanks

Firstly, thanks to Ed for sharing his concerns - that’s a great start to facing up to any addiction issue.

Every porn addict will be able to relate to the sensation of being out of control. Compulsive behaviour really can feel as if another part of you is taking over. When faced with a potential porn session, you might have a little internal argument with yourself, but the routine and numbing comfort of your habit just keeps winning. An hopeless cycle of behaviour sets in.

An essential part of the recovery process is fully understanding that the responsibility for change is 100% on you. For many, this can be a daunting prospect; you’ve learned to depend on your habit at many different levels.

The next step is to fully realise and accept that you are completely capable of taking action to bring about this change. Understand that the process of change may be difficult, painful and intimidating. There may be setbacks and things that don’t work. Recovery means learning to give yourself permission to fully accept all these facts, and persist with positive steps for change.

It might not feel like it right now, but your habit is contributing something to your life; it developed for a reason. It might be providing some form of protection, routine or distraction. It might be meeting some need that you are fully aware of, or are yet to discover; this is another major part of recovery.

Committing yourself to a recovery plan will certainly help you to see these changes through. Some methods of addiction recovery take a different approach to responsibility, but I have found 100% personal acceptance to be the most successful. You may need to check out several different approaches to find one that will work for you, but hopefully these basic suggestions and the other resources on this site will provide a good starting point.

I wish you every success.

A reader has kindly submitted the following What’s Your Story post:

My own story of internet porn I suppose is not a great deal different from anyone else’s. By that I mean the internet has changed everything.

The first time I had regular access to the internet was at University. I had just left the armed forces and I loved the new freedom that I had. I had been a transvestite all of my life and lived a very cagey double life - had I ever been found out then the Special Investigations Branch of the RAF Police were very unlikley to treat it as a harmless little vice and I was likely to be nailed on suspicion of being homosexual (this was before the armed forces had to catch up to reality and stop treating people like criminals).

I had begun visiting dressing services as soon as I could and have never felt bad about this. But these web pages full of TV’s were simply too much to resist. I was always a very good student and did not abandon my studies. However, I instead dedicated a large amount of time to sitting in front of the screen. At first I was content to simply look at the TV’s and feel like I had found people not unlike myself. I did not visit the more explicit sites.

I have no idea what the event was that turned me but eventually I started to gravitate towards the more explicit TV sites and this has snowballed to where I am now. Some days see me looking at such sites for three hours plus.

TV IRC was the next step and despite how bad this made me feel i actually quite enjoyed it at the time - the feeling of freedom was especially intoxicating. Eventually, the amount of time spent dressing up became nil as the massive rush I used to get from dressing could easily be replicated by a few hours chatting to TV’s (in the most explicit terms one could imagine) was very powerful.

Obviously, I feel very bad about my addiction. My patrner has found out about the IRC and whilst she rather likes the dressing she hates the idea of on line chats with others. I have simply responded in a very amel way - I have simply been more careful.

I have never fealt the slightest bit guilty about my dressing. However, the reliance on internet porn is making me feel very bad about myself in general.

Firstly, thanks for your sharing your situation with such frankness. From the details you provide, a few comments:

I completely agree that you shouldn’t feel the slightest bit guilty about your dressing.

The internet has proved to be a valuable resource for finding kindred spirits, especially when the shared interest is something that is, sadly, still socially frowned upon and misunderstood. For the vast majority of legal, non-abusive and consensual interests that fall into this category, internet communities provide very valid support in accepting your behaviour and realising that you are not alone. I’d say that cross-dressing is a good example.

As you say, your online pursuits have progressed from finding a common community into pornographic and cybersex territory. Many people find that after the initual buzz of freedom and variety that the internet offers, a desire to explore further boundaries gradually creeps up on them. It’s often a combination of natural curiousity, natural pleasure seeking and a desire to sustain that initial stimulation. In themselves, these drives aren’t necessarily any bad thing, of course; it’s a completely standard instinct.

You’ve mentioned a couple of indicators of compulsive behaviour. You clearly resent the amount of time spent on pornographic sites, and your cybersex chat has created a relationship issue. Both common problems resulting from compulsive porn use. I would add that your wife is entitled to feel aggrieved about your online activity, though it’s most likely to be the explicit sexual nature of your chats that upsets her rather than the TV community aspect.

My general advice would be to build on the self-insight and honesty that you clearly already have, and use it to actively address your habit. Rather than beating yourself up or attempting any cold turkey/bottling up exercises, you’ll benefit from adopting a structured action-plan of change. A great long-term objective could be the ability to enjoy your freedom and dressing interest in a non-harmful way that includes your wife rather than hurts and alienates her. If that proves to no longer be a realistic outcome, a plan will also enable you to shine a light on your needs, and discover genuinely fullfilling ways to meet them. You’ve already realised that porn and cybersex isn’t doing that.

There’s no guarantee of a warm and fuzzy ending, of course, but this double-life situation can definitely be positively addressed with committment to a plan and honest, open dialogue.

I wish you and your wife every success.

For so many people struggling with a porn obsession, the Christmas holiday period can be a challenging time. Boredom is an obvious factor; many workplaces are closed and several days of unstructured, open time span into the new year. The allure of porn or some online sexual relief can be overwhelming at these times.

Pressures that underlie the habit may be more intense at this time of year too. Family and relationship difficulties, financial worries, loneliness, the prospect of returning to work… all major contributors to a yearning for escapism. Porn is there to provide that distraction and comfort, as every addict knows. A ‘holiday mentality’ can kick in too: “It is Christmas, after all… I deserve to treat myself…”.

If you’re in this situation at all, I’d just like to remind you that there is a flipside: the imminent New Year. There really is no better time for facing up to the realities of a bad habit, and actually doing something about it. Make a resolution to quit porn, and follow it up with a defined, one-step-at-a-time action plan. Read, research, learn about successful approaches to quitting; there’s plenty more information on this very site. So it’s not quite 2008 yet? Don’t procrastinate - make preparations now for this positive change in your life.

Remember, you only need two things to get started: genuine motivation and a plan.

Now for a New Year resolution of my own: I’m planning to make Porn Game Over a little more interactive.

This site already attracts a lot of feedback, and that pleases me a lot. Through the contact form, I get a whole raft of questions and individual porn addiction stories, often in great detail. I try my utmost to answer everyone back too, but it strikes me that so many of these personal insights and questions could make this site an even better information resource.

So we now have an extra contact form, specifically for sharing your addiction story, viewpoints and concerns with a guarantee of total anonimity and confidence. Without revealing anything about their identity, readers of this site are able to send me their stories, and I’ll respond with specific advice and guidance through this public blog. Do you have a porn addiction story or anecdote to share? Send it my way!

I wish you genuinely happy holidays, and a fabulous, addiction-free New Year.

When you’re hooked on something that’s damaging your life in some way, getting unhooked starts with some spring cleaning. It’s a really important part of quitting, and there’s every reason to mark it with some ceremony; the final indulgence before committing to change your life.

Quitting nicotine addicts can puff away that remaining packet of cigarettes. Quitting chocaholics can slowly savour that last chocolate bar in their possession. So what about pornography addicts? Am I suggesting a final porn frenzy? A marathon session of online abandon and masturbation until you hardly know what day it is..?

Well no - that’s not how quitting porn begins, but it’s a misconception that’s frequently acted out. I’d recommend a very different celebration of your new lifestyle: the mini-ceremony of purging your porn stash. Once you’ve resolved to get a grip of this addiction, the significance of this action shouldn’t be underestimated. It’s a very good thing to do.

Purging your porn is easy too. Porn bookmarks in your browser - delete them. Saved images and movie files - delete them, fully and permanently so you won’t feel tempted to go fishing in the recycle bin later. Magazines - bag them up and take them to the paper recycling collection. DVDs and CDs - break them up (watch for splinters!) and trash them. Video - pull the tape out, scrunch it up and trash that too. Feels kind of satisfying, non?

Doing all the above is satisfying on a number of levels. It’s a big first step in distancing yourself from porn. You’ve stopped fretting about your habit and taken deliberate action. You’re squaring up to your addiction. Also, there comes a realisation that the material focus of so much of your precious attention has been a bunch of computer files and discs. You permanently ditch them and life goes on the same, giving you the freedom to face the more complex aspects of your addiction.

One last tip - you might hear a voice that says “hang on - I paid a lot of money for all these DVDs/magazines/whatever…”. It may be true, but this is just addict reasoning. I wouldn’t recommend trying to lock away your stash or selling it. This will just strengthen your attachment to the stuff. Just let it go and move on.

Dr. Judith Reisman recently wrote a refreshingly frank article titled ‘The Impotence Pandemic’. She discusses the conditioning of men and boys by the porn industry, effectively numbing their normal sexual responses and rendering them incapable of enjoying loving relationships. You can read the whole article here.

One of the points that really caught my interest originates from a quote from neurobiologist Peter Milner:

Says Milner, “[m]ost stimuli become less attractive … as they become familiar and predictable. … Thus, novelty has an effect similar to that of reward.” (Emphasis added.) By definition, when the libido depends on novel pictures, such men are dependent,they are “without power,” emasculated, their libido, their masculine power and authority hijacked by a steady stream of new paper dolls.

As porn addicts become desensitized to visual imagery and stimulation, their craving for novelty intensifies. The online porn industry is increasingly adept at exploiting this process of addiction. One example that recovering addicts often quote to me is thumbnail or TGP (’thumbnail gallery post’) sites. These are the popular free sites which fill the screen with a variety of pornographic thumbnail images, usually updated on a daily basis so the visitor can never reach the end of their offerings. Literally thousands of thumbnail sites exist, generating commission revenue as each thumbnail image links to a commercial porn site.

For many compulsive porn users, clicking around these sites can make up a large part of their surfing activity - and we’re talking hours of invested time every day. Now that’s a problem in itself, but here’s a further rub. Addicts increasingly find that the tantalising thumbnail glimpse is vastly more appealing than the content that it links to. They follow the links to the commercial sites, but it’s the thumbnail page that they keep returning to for more, and more, and more.

The fact that thumbnail sites are free explains part of the attraction, but the main allure is novelty. That is how these pages thrive. The addict visitor is hooked on a novelty quest; thumbnail images draw them in, always offering the promise of something or someone new to get off on. Hundreds of images can flash through the addict’s consciousness in a single sitting, catering for an endless spectrum of fetish and delusion. The impact for reinforcing pornography addiction goes without saying, along with the frustration and depression that results.

So where can we go from here? How do you free yourself from this endless craving for erotic novelty? In answering, we can return to Dr. Reisman’s article, and the survey findings of public policy analyst Shaunti Feldhahn:

men she surveyed largely sought not “unlimited sex,” but “a feeling of wanting to be wanted.”

Part of an addiction recovery plan requires some emotional detective work; tracing back through your behaviours and urges to discover exactly what gratification you are seeking from porn, and especially why. This enables long-term release from the novelty quest, and eventually, you’ll feel kind of embarrassed that you spent so much time on it. That’s certainly ok with me though.

This is a low: dreaming about watching porn. Waking up remembering that your brain has been playing porn movies to your subconscious as you slept.

Don’t get me wrong - sexual dreams are normal and natural and generally enjoyable. Regular porn dreams, on the other hand, are a clear signal that porn has become way too important in your life. Many people who have experienced a porn habit will be familiar with porn dreams. I know I certainly am. Unfortunately, it doesn’t stop when you wake up. The mind’s fixation with porn persists throughout the day: at work, at college, constantly gathering momentum for the next opportunity to indulge in the porn habit.

Of course, this state doesn’t make for happy living. It takes energy and resources to fixate on something this much, and you get tired. Depressingly, deadeningly tired. Porn addiction is exhausting.

In the early stages of recovery, this is an often asked question: how long before this mental state begins to fade? Of course, the answer depends upon the individual, but I’ve noticed a general trend. During the first week of abstinence from pornography, the intensity and craving can heighten. It’s too easy to lapse back into habit during this time (shameless plug: this is why you need a plan).

After two or three weeks, however, the mind begins to let go. I guarantee it. The road to recovery and porn-free living is long, but if you’re at this crucial stage of your own recovery, just take it from me: the porn zombie state will subside, allowing you to focus on a long-term plan. One step at a time.