I found this site by Googling “my husband likes incest porn.”

My husband and I have been fairly happily married for seven years. However we barely have a sex life. My husband is certainly the submissive personality, and as I don’t take an interest in sex, and he doesn’t bring it up, it doesn’t happen. My husband has turned to porn for pretty much all his sexual relief.

I am not saying I’m ice cold to his needs. We do talk about it, and we say we will both try. But I am always the one who takes the lead in this relationship, and in this I would like it to be a mutual effort. Which is what I have told him. But instead he turns to porn, because it is so much easier.

Now to yesterday.

The motherboard of my computer blew up two weeks ago, and I have been using my husband’s computer. Yesterday I was posting something on Craigslist. I saved a photo from the internet in the photo directory it defaulted to, and then went to post it. There were a lot of files in the directory, and so I went to “view thumbnails” to find my image. And lo and behold, what did I discover but directory containing photos of myself when I was 14 or 15, penises, and my father. He had to really search to find these photos, and put them together.

I feel like this is the worst violation. I have to admit, I knew he had a bit of an interest in “incest porn”. We talked about fantasies went we were first dating, and it was one he mentioned. It never came up again, and I did not realize the extent. Or that his fantasy now involved myself and my father.

Now I feel I have to separate him from my parents, which is hard as we live within miles of each other and I am very close with my mother. Not only that, but we were planning to have children. I don’t see how it will be possible for me to trust him if we ever had a daughter.

I have always respected his privacy. I have never looked at his e-mails or his internet history. This was a total fluke. And yet, I’m not sure I can trust him now. Today I found myself wondering why he had a new yahoo username, and even went so far as to try and figure out the password.

We did talk at length last night about this. He said it is a fantasy he has had since he was a teen. I am fine with fantasy, but now it has taken a very real and disgusting turn. I don’t know if I can get over this.

We don’t have health insurance. Another problem we have is that he seems incapable of getting a decent job  (he spent two years unemployed). I have always tried to be supportive, but this is too much. We can probably afford a maximum of two sessions with a psychiatrist. But will any of it help?

Thank you LP for sharing the issue here. With this insight into your husband’s secret pasttime, I think you have shown remarkable patience and committment. It is positive that you have already been able to discuss the problem – many couples don’t get that far.

Porn-inspired obsessions are indicative of deeper emotional insecurities. Compulsively searching, collecting, cut-and-pasting… it’s likely that this is how he distracts himself from problem areas in his life. Perhaps he is dodging the bad feelings about his lack of career prospects, or inability to communicate his sexual desires. Of course, retreating into pornography only makes matters worse; it leads to selfish complacency and broken relationships.

Fantasies are fine, but things are clearly out of control. His activities are offensive to you, and suggest a distorted outlook towards your relationship and people close to you both. Putting together these images might be the extent of his behaviour, but you are right to be concerned about children and the longer term. This issue has to be addressed before you can feel secure in your relationship.

One way or another, your husband needs to learn new ways to manage his emotions. He needs to see the wider perspective, and fully realise the impact all this is having on you. Therapy and counselling are great places to start, but I agree that the cost can be prohibitive. If you are able to locate a therapist with expertise in porn addiction and obsessive behaviours, then just one or two sessions can be beneficial. There are also plenty of free resources online, and hopefully he will take the initiative to seek them out.

As you rightly say, this is too much for you to deal with alone. This is his opportunity to get real and make some positive changes.

I am recently engaged to a wonderful man of whom I have been living with for 3 years. He is kind, generous, loving, and an excellent lover and partner. I could not ask for more in a future husband.

However, during our dating relationship I found things on his computer that he had hidden from me: conversations in chat rooms with girls, porn images, videos, and so on. The amount of it was excruciating to find and hit me like a huge blow. I confronted him and he said that he recognized he had a porn addiction problem and that it had been a problem since he was a teenager, when he was first introduced to pornography.

I did not react well… I felt as though I was not enough to please him and he was looking elsewhere for satisfaction. He said he would stop. Of course, he did not. This was a bad pattern for a long time. I would find things, he would come up with some crazy outlandish story trying to tell me they were not his, that someone else was on his computer, and so on.

Over time, I asked him to get more serious help and told him that honesty was paramount to continue in a relationship. He put X3 watch on his computer, and gave me his passwords, but it did not “catch” everything, and I felt like a parent rather than a girlfriend by having access and “spying” on him. Over time, he got “better” (his word) and I thought things were going well. I had no reason to believe differently. I was happy.

Then, he proposed. I had not looked at his email in a long time, as I thought things had been fixed (I suppose this was naive of me, but he had asked that I trust and believe in him, and so I did). After our engagement, I checked on his email and found images of him that were taken during a live video chat.

I, again, reiterate that I love this man dearly and he is a great person. I understand now, after lots of research, more as to why he does what he does and that he lies to me about it and hides it because he is ashamed. I wish he knew it was the lies that I am upset about now, more than the addiction. He says he will get counseling, he placed the strongest blocks on all computers (work, home, laptop) that he could find, and wants to do couples counseling as well. I feel sad and hurt and betrayed that I have been lied to, and that we are entering an engagement and potential marriage with this on our shoulders. I am saddened that he is going through this and I want to be there for him.

But my question is, how much more can I do? I forgive him, I move forward with him, I read books and websites and everything I can on this… but, I worry that my life has become consumed by his addiction and will become worse if I stay with him. Can someone really get over porn addiction, or will it slowly creep back somehow over time, again and again?  I want to have faith, but I am running out. I feel doubt. It’s hard not to take it all personal. He knows it hurts me that he does these things, and he says he wants to stop..but he can’t seem to.  Any advice, help, would be much appreciated.

Thank you EN for raising a question often asked by partners: how much more can I do? It’s a horrible dilemma for wives or girlfriends of men who compulsively use pornography.

If you fight and kick against it, he gets defensive and spins lies to get you off his case. Or he repeatedly lulls you into a false sense of security with earnest promises to stop.

When you try to forgive and support him, he seems to take it for granted and carries on regardless. It almost feels as if this is your problem to sort out.

If you try to ignore things, it feels like his addiction has won. The future of your relationship with this man starts to look like years of compromise; always playing second fiddle to the girls on his computer screen.

The problem is that despite your best intentions to help him and heal your relationship, the porn addiction ‘game’ sucks you into playing these roles. Accountability tools like X3 Watch can be helpful, but can also become part of the porn detective game. It’s very positive for partners to research and get clued up about porn addiction, but he needs to be doing it too. Otherwise you find yourself playing worried parent.

Such games can become all-consuming and obsessional for both partners, so your concerns about getting sucked in further are perfectly valid.

Partners need to stop playing the game, and that’s easier said than done. There’s a fine balance to be struck, somewhere between loving support and cold, clinical detachment. As long as he’s genuinely motivated to work for change, he can know that you are right with him. But otherwise, his porn habit really is a deal breaker.

When I say detachment, I mean absolving yourself of any blame for the problem he’s had since his teens, and refusing to engage in any of the games that prop us his behaviour.

Now the good news: it is possible to overcome porn addiction. Permanently and completely. Finito. But he needs to do the work. He has to earn the good feelings of recovery, and stop dodging the issue with more porn and video chat.

So many men who struggle with porn are, in all other areas of their lives, wonderful and loving individuals. So why do they compulsively play this game, with so much potential to hurt the closest people in their lives? Well, the influence of porn is external to him; it’s something he desperately reaches out for to avoid other issues or emotional pain. He uses the addiction, he’s attracted and deceived by it, but he is not defined by the addiction.

In other words, his kind and loving character very much remains. Yet another reason why this is such a heartbreakingly difficult issue for partners to get a handle on; the game has so many faces.

But building this perspective can be empowering, especially for him. Instead of being a powerless and addicted man, he’s a strong, separate individual who can choose to deal with the situation. So he can actually do the things he talks about, like getting counselling and reading books and websites. He can follow a real-world strategy for dealing with his habit and enabling you both to move forward.

I sincerely hope that he finally acknowledges all the patience and support that you have offered, and wish you both every success.

Well me and my husband have been married for 6 months, together for around 3 years.

I’m very open sexually and our sex was always good, but not great. He never shared any fantasies, or most of the time would not even have an orgasm. I knew he watched porn and masturbated, which was fine. Then we move in together, sex gets more rare and distanced. I talked to him about it, he said he just wasn’t in the mood. Then I found out that he just wasn’t in the mood to have sex, but he was watching porn and masturbating when he went home for lunch and at night after I went to bed. We talked about it, he said he would stop.

Few months later I go home and he had forgotten the porn site up on the screen. I got so upset. He said he would stop again.

A week ago I had this feeling that he wasn’t being totally honest with me so I go on his computer. I look at the web history, it was clean. I go and look at the internet temporary files and there were a lot of nude pictures of young girls. Some of them looked 15. I asked him about it. He said he has watched porn and masturbated again. I asked him about the young girls, he said he likes teen porn, that’s all he watches. Among the teen pics I saw one of a little girl, around 8. He said he never watched that young, and that the temporary file was created from the pc somehow.

I’m trying to help him get over this but those young girls pics bother me a lot.

I’m afraid there is something he still is not telling me, after I’ve been suffering for almost a year and half about this porn and no sex thing. I’m scared and confused!! I don’t know what to do.

Thank you L for sharing your concerns here. Of course, you are right to be bothered by all these lies, relationship games and potentially incriminating pornography on the home computer. There needs to be some real changes, for both your sakes.

Every time you catch him out, he holds his hands up and promises to stop. But for some reason, it just doesn’t happen. Maybe he doesn’t really want to quit, and would be content to play these games for another year and a half. Or perhaps the intention is genuine and he goes cold turkey for a while, but lacks the motivation to really face up to this destructive habit. For him, bottling it all up just seems to make things worse.

Either way, you need to start seeing evidence of change. His promises are simply not enough.

There’s been a fair amount of discussion on this blog about the reasons why some men are drawn towards teen (or even younger) porn. Perhaps some event or learning from his childhood has influenced this tendency, or he only seems to get a buzz from exploring ‘forbidden’ territory. His reticence to enjoy real sex and intimacy is wrapped up in all of this too.

I can pretty much guarantee that whatever his issue, it’s not a reaction to you or your relationship. He will have learned this compulsive behaviour long before you arrived in his life. And there’s a limit to how much you can do for him. He needs to learn new ways to manage his emotions and sexuality. There’s a lot more to this than just stopping.

For your husband, making an appointment with a counsellor or therapist would be a good start. He will continue to benefit from your support and understanding. But if your relationship is to recover, taking deliberate action is his responsibility now.

Hi, when I first saw this site I was amazed that all the things he was doing and all the things I had been feeling, were almost exactly what everyone else was saying. I wrote to you almost 2 years ago. I can truly say nothing has changed, except that I understand that porn addiction is real and I know what damage it can cause to the addicted and to the SO.

I have tried everything in the book and some things out of the book. Although my understanding of what an addiction is is clear and I do try my hardest not to be degrading or insulting just because I’m hurt and angry. I have said things I’m not proud of. The whole time dealing with this I have kept in mind that trying to talk to him and give him the respect he deserves is very important. I do realize that is part of the problem, he doesn’t respect himself and he does have low self-esteem. That doesn’t always make it not hurt or make me feel any better about myself.

I feel like I need to try to describe who he is before I ask the questions. He is 44, he has been married twice, once when he was very young, it only lasted a couple of years, and from some of the things I’ve heard from family, porn was an issue. He got married again about 6 years ago, they were only married for about 18 months and I know for certain porn is what broke them up. I read her dear john letter.

Of course, I didn’t know any of this before I became involved with him, I found out a little at a time. I was 50 when we met, I had been married for 20 years and raised 3 children. My marriage ended because my ex was verbally and emotionally abusive. I’m sure that played a role in why I would get involved with J. I’m not certain how but it just makes sense. That is one of the reasons it is important for me to get the whole picture, because at this point I can’t see us staying together much longer.

Unfortunately, I hurt my back in May 09 and I’m getting ready to go in for back surgery. I don’t have a lot of options at this time. I need to figure this out for me so I don’t make the same mistake again. Right now it just makes sense, for both of us, for me to stay but only for convenience. Which makes me very sad, because I do really care about him. I also think that he cares about me, as much as he can right now.

When we met I was feeling pretty good about myself, I had been single for a while, and I felt like I was ready for a serious relationship. But whatever self-esteem I had built up is long gone and its getting worse. I didn’t know anything about porn addiction, I think I had heard it on TV once or twice. At that time my exact thoughts were, “that’s a lame excuse for cheating on your partner”. That’s how ignorant about the subject I was. So when I started to figure things out, like how much time he was spending on it and how little time he was spending with me, and the little or no sex thing really threw me.

My thoughts were if he likes sex so much then why are we not doing it more? Is it me? Am I not attractive to him any more, am I not young enough? And if that were all true, what did he find attractive about me in the beginning, or if this is what he wanted why bring me into the picture. I think part of why this is so hard for him to talk about or even admit to, is because he lives in a world where a man is a man and they don’t have problems they can’t resolve.

He works in the construction industry and every one he knows is macho. He is a big guy with a long beard and long hair and rides his big harley, and could never admit to having an addiction like this. I know none of his friends know anything about this.

I know this is very long, but I needed you to kind of know a little bit about him so you can maybe give me some advice about where to go from here. We have fought it out, and I’m sure our fights sound like everyone else. He says it wouldn’t be a problem if I wasn’t so insecure, like I tell him there would have to be security in the first place for me to feel insecure.

That was in the beginning now he is just completely dishonest about it. Says he isn’t doing it and says someone else writes the messages to the other women on his dating sites. Of course, I tell him that him and I both know who is on those sites, and could he just be honest about it so that we can talk. Well, he is not giving an inch. I think its to the point that he has lied about it so long, that if he confesses now, lets just say he isn’t going to confess. If he was going to, the fights and the hurt and the pain he has caused would have already made him.

He also grew up with a dad, that no matter what he did, it wasn’t good enough. He felt like he had to be perfect to get his dad’s approval. I feel like that’s where we are at know, if he confesses, then he will have to admit he’s not perfect.

So the big question is, what can I do for both of us to help since I have to be here for a couple more months anyway? I hate what this addiction has done to me, but at the same time I hate to think about him having to live like this. He is clearly unhappy and tormented by this. I was just wondering if you have any advice on how I can do some recovery of my own and help him in the meantime.

I hope this makes sense to you. I do thank you for giving me a place where I don’t feel like I’m completely insane.

For people in relationships, an important recovery step is learning to understand your partner’s experience. You have taken the initiative to find out more about porn addiction, and patiently pieced together the clues and indicators around his behaviour. Hopefully, this has helped you move right along from all those confidence-crushing early doubts that partners turn upon themselves. Fully realising that his problem is not about you is essential for your own recovery.

I’d agree with all the contributing factors that you have highlighted: self-esteem issues, refusal to acknowledge a problem he can’t ’solve’ or fully control, the macho-ladies-man image, craving for approval. Without his participation and honesty, you’ve uncovered as much as you possibly can.

Another recovery step is building communication. You’ve tried hard to get him talking, but he’s dug himself into a hole of denial. As you rightly say, arguing and persecution doesn’t work; it plays right into his game. So it feels like another painful brick wall.

The next step is turning your anger into forgiveness. Your understanding and empathy (hating to think of him being so unhappy and tormented) has moved you towards forgiveness, but there’s little to hang it on. The dishonesty and being taken for granted continues. He has done nothing to earn any further forgiveness or trust.

Like so many wives and girlfriends, you’ve had to progress your own recovery. You have my respect for hanging in there for so long. When so much of the work is down to him and he continues to deny any accountability, your recovery plan inevitably becomes your exit route. It’s sad and painful, but ultimately best for you.

For the remaining time that you are together, you can be resolute and clear about your feelings and plans. Even if it seems to fall on deaf ears, try to make it clear that you are for real. Yet another of his relationships is hanging desperately in the balance, and he has your support if he wants to face up to the reality.

Maybe he’ll finally take some notice, or maybe it’s a lost cause. Maybe he needs to hit a lonely rock bottom. Harsh as it may sound, this really is the best you can do for this man that you still care for. If he does wake up, all the steps above need to be revisited with his full participation, and some couple therapy may be of benefit too.

But for your own recovery, don’t lose sight of the realities and the priority of your own future. Nobody deserves to spend years locked into dishonest games with a porn addict. I wish you the very best in finding freedom.

I’m very much at a loss, and this blog seems to have thoughtful people participating, so… maybe some of you have some insight? Please?

My husband and I were married only two months ago, but have been together for more than four years. We have a two-year-old daughter. Let me say upfront that my husband is an incredible person, someone I really respect and am very thankful for in general.

However. Bit of a porn/sex problem. Majorly. Majorly.

The backstory is that my husband comes from a quite disturbed family. His dad was a complete narcissist nut, a compulsive womanizer, whose sexual issues apparently dominated family life in an ugly way: The whole family, including three kids, knew all about his affairs when they were growing up, and knew about the devastating effect it had on the mother, etc. My husband was a total social hermit and a virgin until he was 29 (and, mind you, he’s not just a very accomplished and charming man, he’s as handsome as Paul Newman or something, seriously) and never had any sort of romantic relationship until that age. My husband’s older sister has had a history of avoiding intimacy and lives with a much older man in a sexless marriage. So. Okay. Over the years, there has been much speculation in the family about whether or not the Bad Dad molested the sister or not. The consensus was “Not,” because she can’t remember anything like that.

I’m quite adventurous sexually, and over the past few years have tried to encourage my husband to open up about his sexual interests and desires — generally to little avail. I’ve gotten him to watch porn with me a few times, but he didn’t seem into it. I’ve gotten books, toys, gone to adult stores, etc etc. But my husband always seemed kind of turned off by all this, and — at least until super turned on by tons of physical stimulation — remained quite inhibited. He would never admit to having any desires or predilections at all… beyond thinking it might be nice to have sex out doors. (Which, of course, I was very glad to do!) He claimed to be just super-vanilla-y. So while when we do have sex, it’s sometimes been fantastic, more often,  we have a real “disconnect” between us in bed. I knew there was real passion in there, inside him, but I couldn’t seem to access it. It was like he was distant sexually.

So, I’ve known for a long time that he enjoys porn on the internet. And I’ve always said it was fine and dandy with me. I’ve tried many many times to get him to tell me what he was into when he watched porn, but I never got much answer beyond “I like real people really enjoying themselves.”

Which brings us to Saturday night. I had to go to a volunteer thing Saturday night, and my husband was alone all evening. When I came home, he was watching the computer with the lights off in his office, and I knew he was watching porn videos.

So, Sunday? Sunday I went on his computer and looked into the history, to see what kinda porn it was.

Imagine my… my…. shock? Disappointment? Sadness? Confusion? when I discovered he’d done maybe 20 porn-site searches for videos tagged with the terms “incest” and “sister” and “rape” and “family” and even one tagged “daughter”. Yup.

Yup. (“DAUGHTER”??????????????)

To be honest, his true sex life — his only true experience of pleasure and desire — does seem to be relegated to the fantasy/porn realm. He doesn’t seem to have cross-over between his fantasies and desires and his real life and real, actual actions. So I’m not concerned that he’s secretly a molester. (Tho maybe I’m being very wrong in thinking that. I just don’t know.)

So yesterday we talked at length about this.

His first response was to tell me that this is purely in the realm of fantasy. That he’s a porn addict. And that he just wants to find “more interesting” sex videos, and therefore likes stuff that’s “a bit taboo.” (A BIT???) He claimed he views lots of “a bit taboo” stuff, and that lots of men might look at videos labelled “incest” (I don’t believe that. Do you?)

I could only tell him that — in the absence of any real-world, in-the-bed-with-me expressions of what he desires — I could only feel like I’d uncovered what, you know, his actual desires actually are.

Finally, I pressed him to finally open up to me about what his fantasies and porn-watching tastes are.

His reply? He’s into: 1) bondage porn. 2) group sex porn. 3) gay male porn. 4) “shemale” porn. 5) the taboo incest-tagged porn (which he claims are just regular, non-related people playing games, that it “isn’t real.”)

What am I supposed to do with this information??

As I mentioned above, I’ve always thought of myself as quite open-minded. Hey, yeah, I’d try some bondage! Happily. I’d watch group-sex videos. Happily.

But…. but….. gay porn? I know this isn’t all about me, me, me, but it shakes my sexual self-confidence already that he sometimes didn’t seem into me sexually. And now the knowledge that he’s also into penises? It makes me feel bad, ya know?

My husband says he’s not gay. He reveals he “tried that” in his twenties and that it was a total disaster. He wasn’t into it in real life. (But, you know, NONE of his real-life sex has ever apparently been very connected or pleasurable. So….So I don’t know.)

And the shemale thing?? That actually couldn’t be less sexy to me. Huge turn-off. My confidence that he was attracted to me, desired me, was shaken already over the years. And now — if we ever manage to have sex again, joking but not joking — I am going to be imagining “oh, he’d rather have a shemale up in here”? Damn.

And what about the (hair-raising and scary) “incest” porn thing?? Seriously, WTF? Given his unusual and unhappy personal history, I had already been suspicious that he’d been the victim of something bad. And now it comes out that this turns him on? Is it even possible that this is a turn-on for someone who doesn’t have that history?

Okay, so, I’ve gone on and on and on at too much length. I’m sorry for taking up so much air space. I just hope I might find some insight or opinions.

I don’t know what’s real.

THANK YOU!!

Thank you D for sharing your situation here. I’ll try to answer as many of your questions as I can:

Should you be worried that he’s a molester? Without further evidence, not unduly. We are in the realms of his fantasies here. We might find them pretty icky, but rest assured that he most probably has no intention of actually doing these things.

Do a lot of men look at this stuff? Yes, I’m inclined to agree with him. Porn websites are market-driven, after all.

So everything is OK then? No. His penchant for “more interesting” porn has turned up the anxiety levels for you both. You already had insecurities about the disconnected, emotionally distant sex. Now these revelations have come to light, it’s inevitable that your confidence will take even more of a battering. And I’ve no doubt that he’s feeling pretty screwed up about all of this too.

Is his family background a factor in all this? Generally speaking, porn addiction is often an avoidance mechanism. So for someone who picked up inhibiting and confusing messages about sex during their early years, porn enables them to explore fantasies whilst avoiding any real intimacy or connection. This might not be problematic in itself, but it often means that unhelpful early learning doesn’t get challenged; it may even become validated by the unrealistic and absurd sexual depictions of porn. In order to meet sexual needs, an obsessive or compulsive attachment to porn could also develop.

But it’s not just people with difficult histories who are getting turned on by the furthest extremes of pornography. Many ‘regular upbringing’ folk find it immensely appealing too. For those that struggle compulsively with it, they might be using porn to avoid other issues in their lives, such as stress or lack of confidence. They watch the ‘taboo’ stuff because vanilla porn just doesn’t provide enough buzz or escapism for them any more. But they might never have been the victims of any form of abuse.

So we can’t jump to conclusions about your husband’s attachment to porn, but these are some of the possibilities. And whatever the underlying reasons may be, a compulsive porn habit doesn’t make for intimate sexual connection with a partner. The relationship will always fundamentally suffer.

Where to go from here? Painful as it undoubtedly was, the frank discussion between you both can be viewed as a positive step forward. But for both of you, there are too many grey areas right now. I would recommend some counselling for you both, ideally together. That really would be the best option.

This experience is a horrible devastation of the confidence and security that you have worked so hard to attain. If your husband has the motivation to work on the issue now, he really can continue to be the incredible individual that you love and value in your life. It’s a sad fact that for some couples, the motivation just isn’t there or doesn’t last; he clings to denial and she is better off out of the relationship. But there is also a very real opportunity here for you both to recover for the long term, and even benefit in terms of intimacy and long term trust.

I wish you both every success.

My partner has a problem with hard core porn. He has been addicted since  a young boy. He is very nice, non abusive and a great provider, so does that make it ok?

We have talked about it and made some headway a few years ago when we met, however here we are almost 3 years and now he has a Crackberry and viewing daily while at work.

There is such tension and now I know why, he is viewing it every moment he can while away from home. He makes excuses as to why we are not intimate, but all they are is excuses. I go along with it in hope he will work it out. Though lying about it makes it hard. One day he was at work and I found out he had been viewing porn all day. Well he met his deadline but not like he usually does.

He mostly views asian transsexuals, so of course I wonder if he is gay. Of course I do not know what he is viewing now and it doesn’t matter because he is not doing anything to make it better.

We are not married though commited to one another and I just don’t know how to address this in an adult manner anymore. He does not see how it is affecting our relationship and I do not know what to do. I have tried being quiet about it, bring up the subject and he just gives an answer to shut me up for the moment.

Help.

Thank you M for sharing your situation here.

The recognition that he’s been addicted since he was a young boy is an important one. There will have been reasons for this and I have some empathy for him. But above all, it proves that his habit is not a reaction to you or your relationship. He has always used the ritual of watching porn to manage his emotions at some level.

I would suggest that he fails to see the real impact on your relationship because he no longer views your relationship as you do. After three years of balancing the relationship with his daily habit through lies and excuses, he feels as if his habit has won. It has become a big game for him.

Sadly, this is a very common scenario. His habit has turned you into a companionship partner. He values you as a provider of security, maybe even a mother figure in his naughty little boy routine. But all the time, his obsession with porn is getting its own way. His habit has removed all the foundations of an intimate, loving relationship.

I am making no criticism of you for going along with it all this time. Many partners find themselves doing exactly the same, living in hope that something will change. But all the time that you do, you’ll continue getting the same.

For him, a wake up call is long overdue. Maybe this will happen when he faces the sack from work, or the embarrassment of disciplinary proceedings. Perhaps realising that you have no desire to be his convenience partner any longer will make some impact.

You can’t make him stop playing this game, but you can break out of it yourself. Try to make it clear to him that this is exactly how you see the situation and you’ve had enough. At the same time, I would suggest that you give serious thought to how you could move on from him. It’s horrible and heartbreaking, but this outcome would be preferable to three more years of quietly putting up.

I really hope this helps.

My story sounds very familiar to so many of the stories I have read here… I have been in a wonderful relationship with my now husband for about 3 years, married for 6 months. While dating, he swept me off my feet with his honesty and (what I had thought) same morals as myself. He was always a bit touchy about me using his computer when I was at his place, but I just figured that was his one sensitive point which I just let go since he didn’t have any others.

We had a whirlwind year, last year- I became pregnant after a few months of us being engaged, we married, left our jobs and made a major move across the country. He actually moved first and I followed him a couple months later after we were married.

Here’s where it starts to get juicy… When I moved into our house, which at the time I was pregnant, I noticed something just wasn’t right with our relationship. It was easy to make excuses for it – new jobs, new location, just married, getting closer to our child being born. I confronted him, completely convinced he was cheating on me.  I went crazy trying to find evidence on his phone, but I couldn’t come up with anything concrete.  One day, I went onto his precious computer and found quite the surprise. The history was full of porn sites and even one escort site.  I was heartbroken, but I didn’t confront him because I just didn’t want to believe it.  His computer has become my daily obsession as I have fumbled around (I’m not a genius at computers) and found a lot of porn on his computer. I have found files that pre date our relationship, but the hardest ones that I have found are the ones during our relationship right up to today.

As if finding the porn files aren’t hard enough, I found files of videos of girls whom he pays on a video chat site to perform acts of masturbation and play into his fetish of licking their own breasts. These videos date from when we first started dating to pretty recently. I completely view this behavior as cheating. Had I known about him paying girls $2.99 a minute for about 10 minutes I would not have married him.

Even though, the porn dates to when we were dating and engaged I didn’t notice the same behaviors from him as I do now – the desire to be alone for long stretches of time and lack of affection.

Here’s the real kicker!!! As far as I know, he doesn’t know that I know about any of this. He doesn’t seem to know that I know how to date and time his web browser history to know that he spent an entire night looking up porn sites when he was supposedly “working” on his paperwork. He also doesn’t seem to know that I know that he has subscribed to at least 4 websites which completely sucks because we are so strapped for cash that we are behind in our rent.

I have asked him straight out if he looks at porn and his answer is always no.  He lies so much that I’m not sure if he knows the truth any more.  I had really hoped that the birth of our child and the fact that he recently got a steady job would make his porn watching decrease but it hasn’t.  At this moment, he is locked in his home office under the preface that he is working… but I know he’s not. He exploded at me earlier this evening about me knocking on his door and that is usually a clear indicator that he’s going to watch porn all night long.  I know that he will not come to bed tonight or be intimate with me for a few more days.  I call these nights “porn-a-palooza”.

I want us to go to a marriage counselor so that I can finally confront him about his porn addiction, but he thinks I want to go to a counselor because of the stress we are under from all the financial mess we are in. I want to hold onto this relationship for the sake of our child, because other than this stupid porn thing our relationship is otherwise normal. I just want the porn to go away!!!!  I want him to choose me!! I want him to choose to spend the evening with me!!! I want him to choose to only be intimate with me and not these young girls on a video chat site!!!  Heartbroken, confused and lost barely describe the feelings I have inside me.

Hello S and thank you for sharing your situation here. It’s not uncommon for wives and partners to write to this blog while their man is shut away somewhere, avidly pursuing his porn obsession. And it’s always heartbreaking to read that yet another guy is either oblivious or insensitive to the hurt that his habit is causing.

I would also view his behaviour as cheating. His preoccupation with porn is cheating you of the intimacy and togetherness that you married him for. His habit has introduced games, lies, angry outbursts and a horrible waste of money and time. So many partners get sucked into the routine, having to take on the role of ‘porn detective’. Painful as it is, assessing the evidence really can become a daily obsession.

It is quite likely that the financial worries are adding to his cravings for pornographic escapism. Prolonged and regular masturbation to porn is his way of dealing with anxiety, and he’s probably relied on these rituals for a long time. I’ll make another assumption: he’s probably figured out that this defence mechanism doesn’t really work and actually causes him more resentment and despair than it relieves. But he feels too locked into habit to find a way out, even if it jeopardises his relationship and homelife.

But there is always a way out of porn addiction, and I agree that visiting a counsellor would be a good start. I’d suggest that now is the time to lay it out for him. Let him know that you are aware of what really goes on in his office, and that you understand why he might be compulsively acting in this way. Above all, make it clear that you are deeply hurt and things seriously need to change. If possible, try to avoid accusation and rage (tempting though it is) and simply explain your feelings and fears for the relationship.

His response might be anger, denial, defensiveness or tears. But it’s so important that he gets the wake up call. I hope that this proves to be the first step in recovery for you both.

My partner appears to have an unhealthy desire for younger girls, and this concerns me on so many levels. Throughout our relationship (of around 18 months now) I have noticed him staring at younger girls as we walk past them in the shops or on the street. It’s very clear to me that he ‘checks out’ their faces, their chest and then looks away just before they walk right past us.

Don’t ask me how I’ve noticed this much, I’m not too bad with observation skills. I told him I was worried about this and he said it wasn’t a concern for him, that there was ‘nothing in it’. Recently, (end of Nov) I found several images of naked younger girls (aged 16-19 I would say) on his laptop. When confronted about this he was defensive, appeared sick with worry and we had a long chat about how we should progress together. I may have been a bit harsh to begin with but I told him he had one more chance with me and that if I discovered any of this again, he would be out.

I said this because aged 16 is borderline pre-teen and speaking with honesty I am concerned he may have a ‘desire’ to look at naked pre-teens on the internet – which is absolutely not acceptable. I do remember having a brief discussion with him about this hypothetical situation even though I had no evidence to back up my fears.

He committed to trying very hard to stop. 2 days before he travelled abroad with work I was beside myself with worry, incredibly anxious and told him how I was worried he may relapse when he was away (work abroad typically means 12+ hours per day then long periods of time in the hotel room).

I cried, he alleviated my fears telling me how he wasn’t going to do it because he didn’t want to do it. He returned a week later for me to discover that 2 days after that conversation, the 2nd day he was abroad – he had in fact done it and more images (with dates and times) had appeared on his laptop.

Again he was defensive, aggressive almost to the point of snatching the laptop from my hands and this was devastating for me. I want to support him if he has a genuine problem but I have the greater problem right now. I don’t trust him, he lies to me, I strongly suspect this ‘desire’ is too great for him to battle against and it’s unhealthy for us.

I do have the PGO book and am finding it useful. I am empathetic to his situation and fully understand how he might have engaged with this pre-me (it’s a complex relationship thing where he has been a victim of emotional and psychological abuse) however – what do we do for us?

His ‘addiction’ which he now says it is, does predate me and I believe him when he says it has improved significantly but I still feel inadequate, not pretty enough, don’t fulfil his sexual desires (and trust me we do a lot!) even where once he said I was all he needed and that it was me he fantasised about.

Please help. Many thanks.

Thank you HJ for sharing your situation here, and I’m pleased to hear that you are finding my book helpful.

Of course, you have clearly identified many of the typical behavioural indicators: secretly collecting images, aggressive and apologetic mood swings, pattern matching when he’s travelling with work and above all, lying to you. Like so many guys in the trap, he’s seeing everything through a sexualised filter. Girls in shops are objects for him to check out and sexually evaluate. This is the ‘porn goggles’ effect; it’s always on his mind.

And his defence mechanisms are drawing you into typical porn addiction ‘games’. His role shifts from the honesty of ‘it’s a fair cop’ to indignant ‘how dare you accuse me’. Addicts even get to play the hero sometimes, adopting ‘we’ll both be OK, I’ll change my ways’. For all these routines, it feels difficult to avoid playing along; that’s enough to sicken any partner with worry and frustration.

But before any real trust can be re-established, he needs to know that the mindgames are over. Yet direct confrontation and arguing with his ‘addicted side’ often prolongs the games, so a strategy of clear, calm discussion is a good one.

It is very positive that you have taken an empathetic interest and recognised the likely basis of his issues. He’s very lucky to be in a relationship with you. You can continue to provide support and understanding, but the onus is on him to take responsibility. So he’s admitted the problem and says he’s “trying hard to stop”. Now it’s time for him to show real motivation to change.

His behaviour isn’t a reaction to you or your relationship, though I know how hard it is to really accept that and avoid feeling inadequate somehow. You’ve identified that he has an ongoing compulsion that developed in reaction to earlier events in his life. These emotional wounds may still be raw and open, and he cannot expect you or the security of your relationship to fix him. I wonder whether he would benefit from counselling or therapy.

Continue to let him know that you understand the pressures and conflicts of this horrible situation. But above all, make it clear to him exactly how much all of this is hurting you. He needs to know that this issue is still a potential deal-breaker. Positive words aren’t sufficient. He has to do some research and take action; there are plenty of resources out there. You may even need to set a deadline for this – it’s something I often recommend to partners. If he really can’t face up to things despite all your love, you are better off breaking away.

I hope that these insights provide some support in finding your own recovery from this difficult scenario.

I’ve known for almost a year that my then fiance had an issue with porn. I discovered him on the phone one night to a chat line, and then a whole load of other discoveries happened, credit card bill, phone bills for thousands of pounds at a time for both phone and internet porn.

He has a good job and these bills aren’t a problem for him. He wasn’t stacking up debt, he pays them each month without hassle. We were at the time planning our wedding and there was a lot of heartache for me. Do I marry him or not. We did get married earlier this year. I at the time thought the chat line calls and internet use had stopped; blocks were put on phones which was the major problem and credit cards were cancelled.

After our wedding/honeymoon my husband went away for work and on his return I discovered more use of internet sites on his pc & laptop. This time not costing anything, they were free sites which I thought was an improvement. Then I made an even worse discovery that he had been looking up STDs. This set alarm bells ringing in my head and when I was able to confront him about my findings he admitted that he had slept with someone while he was away, he says he was out drinking.

His schedule is gruelling when he’s away, which is for approx 6 months of the year but not all in one go, and when he’s home he doesn’t work (it’s leave to rest). But I’ve always thought that made us stronger and we made the most of the time we have together. Now I’m in total distress and don’t know what to do. Since me discovering this he has started to see a counsellor, he won’t talk to me about his problems so I can try and understand/help so as with many of the blogs on here, I feel useless and I’m questioning everything. My confidence has hit rock bottom. I’m totally against affairs of any kind and I have told him in the past if anyone cheated on me I’d be gone, but I still find myself here because its different when it actually happens and of course I still love him.

It’s early days for us now, I don’t know where we go from here. I’m very unsure if we can get through this unless he stops. We would both like a family and before this latest discovery we were discussing starting to try but for me now at the moment, starting a family is out of the question.

Where do I/We go from here?

Thank you P for sharing your concerns here.

It’s true that the cost of chatlines and porn subscription sites used to help guys keep their behaviour in check. Many could only dabble occasionally because they didn’t want tell-tale signs on their credit card bills, or quite rightly knew that porn is a waste of money.

But this isn’t the case any more. There are so many free porn and contact sites out there. Free porn community sites encourage and validate the behaviour; if everyone else is doing it, why shouldn’t I? It would have been tempting for your husband to think he was getting his fix without the risks.

Generally speaking, I would interpret his visits to a counsellor as a positive sign. It suggests that he understands the need to get to the bottom of what drives his compulsive behaviours. We can’t guess what this may be, but we can make two safe assumptions. Firstly, his chatline/porn habit developed long before you entered his life, and it is in no way a reaction to you. Secondly, his habit is a coping mechanism; it may be selfish and offensive, but it is an attempt to meet a need. Through counselling and self-honesty, he will hopefully be able to recognise his unmet needs and accept that there are more positive solutions than numbing himself with porn.

Compulsive behaviour can extend to regrettable sexual encounters, and this is the horrible discovery that you are left to deal with. To even begin rebuilding confidence and hope for your relationship, it may help for you to be included in the counselling loop. Couple counselling can enable you to work together on understanding what happened, and plan practical steps for moving forward.

You need to be confident that he fully appreciates just how hurtful his behaviour has been, and that he is fully committed to change. This is your entitlement and he needs to demonstrate it, one day at a time. I wish you both every success.

A couple of weeks ago, I saw my husband looking at a porn image on his computer (albeit you might say a ‘reasonable’ image).  He doesn’t know I saw him as I was so shocked I didn’t know what to do.

I ended up thinking that maybe it’s nothing to worry about and that the internet has made porn so accessible – and that the image itself was not distasteful. But since then I’ve noticed he’s often closing a screen or there appears to be a window of emails that’s just whizzing into the bin, so I’ve grown in suspicion that it’s more than just looking.

I am now obsessed with the thought and anytime he’s been out I’ve looked at his computer for signs of where he’s going to get these images/have the emails that may or may not exist.  I hate myself for doing it but I can’t help but think he’s hiding from me and that makes me worry about the reasons he is hiding in the first place.

Our sex life hasn’t been great – well it’s good but I know nowhere near enough for him. I’m scared to confront him as I fear I may discover a whole other life exists and that our seemingly ok marriage is in fact something he’s planning on exiting.  Does anyone else have experience of this or thoughts on what to do?  Does anyone have experience of being in the position my husband clearly finds himself in – what were you missing that drove you to cyber porn?

I’m sure that many of the wives and partners reading this blog can relate to the distress that you are going through. And yes, the reactions that you have noticed in your husband are a tell-tale sign that he might be distracted by some form of cybersex, and it’s making him jumpy too.

As doubt and fear escalates, many readers will also have found themselves turning to themselves for blame. It’s instinctive for parters to react by asking themselves what they are doing wrong, or how the relationship might be driving him to seek his satisfaction elsewhere. The desperation to find some reason behind his actions can become a painfully futile obsession. It can’t be ignored and it’s so difficult to confront, leaving you feeling alone and locked into these emotions.

To take a step back, we cannot know the extent of your husband’s online activities, or the reasons behind them. This can only be established by opening communication, which I’ll come to in a moment. From my experience of working with guys and their partners impacted by porn habit, it is highly unlikely that he is using porn as a reaction to you or your relationship. Emotional and sexual distance can certainly be a consequence of a problem porn habit; it usually works that way around.

If he has developed a compulsive attachment to porn or cybersex, it could be motivated by insecure feelings of stress, low self-esteem, helplessness… you name it.The factors can be various, unpredictable and sometimes run deep. Also, it is unlikely to indicate that he’s about to call time on your relationship.

So this does need to be discussed between you both. You are entitled to raise the subject, explaining the ‘closing windows’ reaction that you have noticed, and the fears that it has provoked. Let him know exactly how upsetting this is for you. Try to avoid challenging or confronting him;as matter-of-factly as possible, just lay it out for discussion. He might try to play it down and will no doubt feel very awkward, but this difficult step is essential for moving forward.

Hopefully you can take some confidence from the fact that you are not the cause of this issue, and I really do recommend reading the other posts and comments on this site.