Soon after they married, K began to discover the true extent of her husband’s porn habit. She explains how his obsessional behaviour makes her feel:

I’m 32, just got married 3 months ago, we love each other.  Before we got married, my husband told me that he like to open porn website and I accepted him and I thought that it’s normal for a guy.  After we married, I found a lot of his porn download video collection in his computer.  When I asked him, he said that video could make more intimacy between us.  Once again, I accepted his reason.

I love my husband, he is faithful and never cheating, I trust him. What make me pity of him, his sleeptime is changed now, he’s easy to get tired because he spent a lot of time in front of his computer by watching or downloading porn video or some politic news. He awoke in very early morning and again he downloaded porn video.  It made me unhappy that when we watched tv show together, he seem that he was concerned about his download porn video, made him not concentrate for our tv show, he was back to his computer.

After we hang out together, he always said ‘Can we go home now?’ and after that he’s back to his computer and enjoying his porn video.  I feel like that I’m his #2 and porn video his #1.  I never doubt that my husband never cheated to somebody, he is lovely husband. I don’t want to change him but I do want him to change his addiction.  Can you give me advice?  thank you

When a new boyfriend or husband is initially open about their fondness for pornography, it’s easy to accept that this is just something that guys do. And that’s certainly true - many men and couples do look at porn, without damaging their relationships or intimacy. Unfortunately, his interest in porn might already be out of control.

Your husband may have been compulsively collecting porn for a long time. When he tried to justify his habit by talking about the benefits to your relationship, he may have been trying to convince himself too. Addicts continually try to explain and justify their habits in their own minds. When a relationship or marriage comes along, they might try to sell the delusion to their partners.

At first, their justifications can be very convincing; he might feel desperate to somehow balance the new married lifestyle with his solitary behaviours of the past. As you have found, this becomes an impossible situation and the partner becomes a casualty of the bizarre conflict.

Addicts do find themselves living in a state of almost constant tiredness. As well as the late night porn surfing sessions, their energies are drained by the permanent state of anticipation for getting back to the computer. As you have found, guys can be at work, watching TV, playing sport or even out socialising - as long as there is porn downloading at home, they are distracted by the buzz of anticipation.

In recovery, guys are usually staggered at how much mental energy they wasted on the empty pursuit of pornography. It’s embarrassing for them. The fact that they could have continued living in the addiction bubble whilst their relationships and careers fell around them is ultimately a very scary one.

As you say, this painful situation is different to traditional ‘cheating’ because he is still around the house. Partners of porn addicts experience the emotional neglect, disappointment and sometimes the self-blame of a cheating husband, but retain the small security of knowing there is nobody else involved. Either way, you are entitled to a better relationship and lifestyle with your husband than this.

The first step in addressing this problem is to honestly tell him exactly how his behaviour makes you feel. Explain that you feel like you come second to porn in his life, and this is definitely not the relationship you chose. He really needs to understand this.

If he responds with the ‘intimacy benefits’ argument or tries to discount the problem with ‘but all guys are the same’, simply refuse to play the justification game. Explain that this is a very real problem in living with the man that you love.

If he acknowledges the problem, this is definite progress. If you are both able to openly discuss your feelings, you will be able to explore possible reasons for his habit. It may be an old coping or escape mechanism that really is not needed any more, but has become too ingrained to recognise and let go.

Ideally, he will take responsibility for this problem and agree to take some positive steps in facing up to it. It may be useful for him to make a counselling appointment, or research the many helpful resources available online.

Recovery is often a step-by-step process, and there can be frustration and some painful realities along the way. It certainly is achievable though, and loving relationships can be rebuilt. Thank you for sharing your story with such openness, and I wish you every success in taking these important steps now.

I soon became very bored with the David Duchovny sex addiction scandal. It’s been done to death in the gossip columns and news blogs, and I’m sure many readers are feeling the same.

But there’s always a positive aspect: the ongoing media coverage of the wider problem. For example, a great article appeared in The Sun a few days ago.

Steve Cole, Addiction Services Manager at the Cygnet Hospital in London, explains one of the most common symptoms of pornography addiction:

“It means it can be conducted in secret and the wildest fantasies can be lived out online. Addicts may start to spend more and more time online, amassing collections of pornography.

The partner of a sex addict may not even know what their other half is going through, but bizarrely a big warning sign is usually when they stop wanting sex.”

He also offers sound, practical advice for facing up to the problem:

The first step is recognising there is a problem and then seeking help from an addiction counsellor. And he stresses that it need not be a dedicated sex therapist since the mechanisms of addiction are the same.

He says: “Addiction therapists will look at addiction across the board whether it’s drugs, alcohol, gambling, shopping or sex. The sufferer may not experience actual withdrawal symptoms but will still need time to detox from the compulsion in a safe environment.”

I should add that ‘detox’ from porn addiction is not about private clinics or therapy retreats… unless you have the finances of a Hollywood A-lister. As part of a recovery plan, we can all take steps to create our own ’safe environment’. I’m planning to blog some more on this very soon.

Imagine a piece of software that figures out just how many hours we have clocked up surfing internet porn. On second thoughts, we’re probably better off not knowing. But what about the hours we might be wasting today, or tomorrow..?

Web surfing devours our time. Whether we’re battling with constant porn urges, or successfully making progress in overcoming a habit, we all know how easily those ‘couple more minutes’ turn into hours. Even when we’ve overcome the compulsion to surf porn, we very often find outselves left with a twitching mouse hand. YouTube, Facebook, Wikipedia, news sites… the urge to surf remains overwhelming.

So this tip applies to everyone who wishes to use time on the internet more productively. MeeTimer is a free plugin for Firefox, which ingeniously measures just how much time you spend procrastinating online. And it can provide some scary numbers.

So how does MeeTimer work? It simply enables you to create categories for the websites that you regularly visit. Some categories are set up for you: work, communication, search and of course, procrastination. Porn sites would definitely fit in this last category.

As you surf, a click of the mouse enables you to place your favourite sites in the appropriate category. All other sites you visit are classed under miscellaneous. It’s as simple as that. And then the plugin just sits in your browser and keeps count, revealing the harsh truth whenever you wish to know!

There are options for warning you about procrastination sites, and even options for blocking them out. But this is not a filter. Running this plugin is a voluntary action that you can take to become more accountable for the time you spend online. As the author’s website says:

Understanding just how much time is disappearing is key to actually acting upon it. No deterrent-based system will work if you actually want to get round it; it has to be your choice.

So thanks to creator Andy Mitchell for this unique tool, and potentially providing us with one hell of a valuable shock.

FF describes her struggle with a porn addicted husband, and the painful dilemma that she faces:

My husband is addicted to pornography and our relationship is breaking down. We’ve been locked in the “emotional games” cycle for so long with him denying and being defiant and me becoming more and more controlling.

Our marriage is no longer a marriage — it’s been taken over by this sick cycle. I love him very much and I want to be able to repair our relationship, but I think we’re on the verge of a divorce. He blames me a lot for all our problems and has told me he’s very angry at women in general because of his issues with his mother.

How do I tap into this clinical detachment you keep mentioning? It’s so difficult to let go when I feel like I’m losing my husband to this horrible addiction. I want to hold on tighter, but it’s making him pull away.

Thank you FF for sharing your situation. It’s a sad fact that many partners will recognise the heart-wrenching set of circumstances that you describe.

As instinctive and natural as it is, your controlling reaction is pandering to his addiction-warped vision of your relationship. As you suggest, he is leading you into ongoing games of persecutor and victim. By desperately clinging to the victim role, he tries to justify his habit and build further resentment towards you and your relationship. It’s a cruel, blaming game called ‘Just try and stop me’.

I’ve recently blogged about the ‘clinical detachment’ approach for partners. It is a short-term strategy for breaking up these games, and I certainly hope that you could find it helpful.

However, it would appear that there are other issues driving your husband’s attitudes and compulsive behaviour. I encourage partners to offer support in facing porn addiction problems, but his historical issues concerning his mother require help that you cannot, and shouldn’t be expected to, try to resolve. He may well be using porn to indulge deep-rooted feelings of misogyny, and this should be addressed in professional therapy.

It pains me to say it, but until he accepts and gets help for these issues, little progress can be made. Unless something triggers a significant shift in his outlook, you are just going to continue receiving the same.

I wish you the very best, even if it means moving on from this impossible relationship.

What’s the best way to approach the husband or boyfriend who introduced porn addiction into your relationship, and turned things into a horrible mess?

‘Clinical detachment’ is an essential skill for people working in the medical or therapy professions, and it’s certainly useful for partners of porn addicts too.

Wives and girlfriends experience a barrage of emotions and hurt. There’s intense anger, fear, disgust, feelings of betrayal and neglect. A partner’s destructive porn addiction can explode relationships, or gradually erode intimacy and trust over a course of years.

So how can wives and girlfriends even begin to address the problem?

Let’s take our cue from the professionals who assist with tough personal issues every day. They demonstrate some valuable tips for taking a position of clinical objectivity, and really finding a way to move forward.

Here are four useful parallels with the therapist/client relationship:

1 - Don’t pass judgement on the client

In any working or personal relationship, we all have our own values and opinions about the behaviour of others. It’s our natural instinct. But therapists keep their emotional reactions in check. This is an essential part of the relationship, and progress can’t really be made without it.

It’s not about being cold or emotionally neutral though. In a counselling relationship, therapists are now encouraged to interact, and explain how they feel and interpret what the client is saying. The aloof, robotic analyst who only looks up from his notes to say ‘ok… carry on’ or ‘and how was your relationship with your mother..?’ is hopefully a thing of the past.

Therapists don’t accuse or explode. It’s tempting at times, believe me, but reprimanding the client has little effect in the long-term. Therapists keep in mind that destructive behaviours develop for a reason, and their objective is helping the client to discover that reason.

Of course, this is more than a challenge for the angry or desperate partner. So you’ve exploded and berated him. Now if the relationship is worth saving, it’s time to pull together and explore, rather than go to war.

2 - Give permission

A client needs to talk. The answers might be staring them in the face, but something stops them from changing their ways. They might crave assurance and support in facing up to hard realities, having put up so many barriers of denial. They are trapped in a self-made cycle of compulsive routines and delusions.

We don’t make excuses for the client. They need to become fully accountable for their behaviour. A client needs ‘permission’ to face reality and move forward, and the therapist grants it. But the therapist expects work and commitment in return. Along with talking and exploring, ‘homework’ is agreed and the therapist requires the client to co-operate.

Recovering partners should agree on ‘homework’ too. Words are not enough. Just like a client, your husband needs to demonstrate that he is actively on the case. If he’s talking the right talk but still neglects you for porn, you’ll see right through it just as a therapist does, and no progress can be made together.

3 - Set realistic targets

Both client and therapist need to agree on change, and a realistic, achievable way to go about it. This is a joint effort - in some cases the therapist needs to dictate the way forward, but unless the client accepts and agrees, it’s going nowhere.

Partners should aim to agree targets for change, and set clear dates for when progress is expected. Just like a therapist, partners can’t demand recovery by a set date, but should expect to see real steps forward in lifestyle, getting help and getting honest about the problem. Recovery is a long-term project.

If deadlines are missed, the relationship isn’t working. A therapist will offer to help explore why, but will withdraw support and drop the client if targets are repeatedly ignored. Partners should take the same approach, and refuse to be strung along.

4 - Don’t get into games

Honesty and openness are essential. Unfortunately, some clients lie to their therapists or try to involve them in their addicted routines. ‘Serial’ patients spend a fortune on therapy yet seem determined to ignore it. Some husbands try to placate wives with lies and continue their compulsive porn habits. In a similar way, they are wasting their own lives in relationship games, often oblivious to the misery inflicted on their wives and families.

Therapists won’t put up with games, and neither should partners. Games can take many forms, but an addict usually seeks to play the role of victim, in order to justify or explain their habit to themselves. Games force partners to take the role of persecutor or rescuer, and just like the therapist, partners should avoid being drawn in. When you spot a game, simply explain that you refuse to play.

A classic porn addiction game is the desperate tactic of ‘blame the wife’. It’s a cruel game that’s emotionally difficult to avoid getting drawn into, but partners are advised to treat it with the same clinical objectivity. Make it clear that you will not accept or play along with this offensive game.

Porn addiction realities

By staying clinically detached, the therapist maintains clear focus on the problem, and the client knows exactly where they stand. Of course, a therapist doesn’t need to hold the family together or share a bed with an addicted husband. But if you are facing this issue, adopting a similar objectivity can help you begin a recovery journey together.

Just as some clients refuse to be helped, some relationships sadly aren’t worth saving. The therapist pulls out when this is clearly apparent, and so should you. He’s on his own with the problem now. You are entitled to make your own recovery from this neglectful and demoralising situation.

But from my working experience, the majority of relationships impacted by porn addiction can be rescued. It can be a painful and frustrating process, but the long-term life benefits for both parties are immense.

EM has been living with a porn-obsessed husband for an agonizingly long time. She kindly shares her story here:

i have been with my husband for 30 years, we have been married for 25. when we started to live together i noticed some magazines under the bathroom cabnets and i thought “o well all men have a book or two”. then the video tapes begin to come in, i didn’t mind because some of my girlfriends liked to look at them when they came over.

the more tapes that came in the house the less we had sex. my husband always had an excuse of why we were not having sex, weeks turned into months, and months turned into years. two years had passed, and i had just turned 25 years and i was not going to take it anymore. We would have very bad argument, and he would begin to make me feel bad about myself, he would tell me that no one wanted me, and i was fat, and if i wanted sex, i should go and get it.

This hurt me so bad, no one knew what i was going through because it was important for my husband to make people think we had the perfect marriage, and i would go along with him. After about two more years of this I had affair just for the sex and to feel like a woman again. I told my husband what i had done and he said he didn’t want to know about it.

now 25 years have passed and I am still living in this Hell but worse. Many nights I lay in my bed wanting to be with my husband and he would wait until I was asleep and go into the room and look at porn and masturbate, we would have sex about once of twice a year, once this year so far.

Last week I have had enough, I gather 5 large garbage bags full of DVD’s which cost around $25 to$30 dollars each. Their must have been at least $8,000 worth of DVD’s not counting the books and video tapes. i hid them in the truck of my car because I am to put them in the dumpster because my husband name is on them. I don’t know what to do, I feel like I am trapped in a sick place that I can’t get out of. Please help me.

We can only guess what drives your husband’s obsession with collecting and watching porn. Intimacy problems, self-resentment, low self-esteem… the possibilities are many. His neglectful behaviour is certainly a reaction to some ongoing pain or issue.

Whatever the reason for his compulsive habit may be, you are not the cause. It is not a reaction to your attractiveness or appeal. Yes he may well have had things too easy for far too long. By putting up with a husband’s neglect and selfishness for such a long time, partners do inadvertently help him get away with it. He feels justified, he feels like he’s winning a game. It’s an easy trap for couples to fall into, and rapidly becomes the living norm. The essential fact remains though - you are not the cause.

By his deluded logic, your affair is further justification for his habit. He gets to play the neglected victim; that’s very appealing to the addict. Just an opportunity for him to retreat further into his self-centered obsession. Removing his collection may, unfortunately, have the same effect; all part of his ridiculous routine.

We can see his desperate defence mechanisms at work; the accusations and refusal to accept the reality of how he lives. Husbands do attempt to shift blame by criticising and abusing their wives. It is one of the cruellest parts of the porn addiction ‘game’.

You also mention another common ‘game’ element; the ‘keeping up appearances’ routine. He wants his marriage to appear happy and successful to the outside world, and of course, you certainly don’t want to advertise this horrible mess either. So you find yourself dragged along with his deluded priorities, with no end in sight.

My simple advice would be to get out. You deserve more than year after year of neglect, disrespect and the torment of his games. He has abused your time, your intimacy, your money and your relationship for too long.

Now of course, the situation is rarely so straightforward. There clearly are reasons why you haven’t walked in 25 years. The second option is to set a clear, firm deadline. Tell him that you will leave him if he doesn’t wake up and seek help for his problem. Set a date for this. Make it clear that you don’t expect him to be fully recovered by this date, but he must have sought help. This must be evidenced by his actions as well as his words.

If he refuses to face the situation or responds with more games, it really is time to get out. I’m convinced that it is never too late to take this stand and, if need be, move on with your life.

Thank you EM for sharing your story, and I wish you every success.

He says he isn’t gay. He says he can’t imagine getting it on with another man. So how did those gay porn or chatroom sites get into his internet history?

It’s not uncommon for wives or girlfriends to discover that their partner has been exploring the homoerotic side of the internet. And whatever your attitude towards pornography may be, it’s going to throw up some piercing questions. So what’s really going on with his little sideline?

Firstly, it’s not necessarily a signal that he’s about to disappear into the sunset with the guy next door.

Homosexuality, bisexuality, fetish… it’s natural for guys to view these realms with some curiosity, regardless of their sexual orientation. In the realms of fantasy, I don’t believe in any set boundary of ’straightness’ or ‘normality’. That’s a good thing too - the sexual imagination would be a boring place otherwise.

There is cause for concern if his online adventures suggest an escalating porn habit. When we spend too much time seeking out porn, the straight, vanilla stuff can become humdrum. When porn is relied upon to deliver a reality-numbing thrill, we find ourselves exploring the once unthinkable. For many guys, gay porn delivers. It feels intriguing and out-there.

In the case of porn addiction, the consequences for him and his partner can be troubling. Obsessive, porn-fuelled fantasy can blur with real-world expectation. He may question his sexuality. He may neglect his partner in preference for exotic online stimulation. Porn addiction has a deluding effect. He might get into regrettable situations with contact sites, webcams and the contemplation of real-life meets with male strangers. I don’t need to detail the potential risks of those encounters.

So if you’ve uncovered a partner’s penchant for gay sites, are we talking harmless, healthy curiosity or potentially damaging porn habit? From my understanding of the majority of guys who harbour some curiosity, compared to the minority who fall into the porn addiction trap, there really may not be such a cause for concern.

For partners facing this confusing discovery, the evidence in your relationship can reveal more than the evidence on the computer. What do his levels of intimacy and physical desire for you suggest? Does he seem distracted or distant? Are there indications of relationship neglect?

If the signs suggest an out-of-control relationship with porn, there are ways that couples can work together to address the problem. I don’t understate the considerable challenges that this presents, but it is an issue of addiction rather than sexuality. For worried partners, this can offer some small yet precious focus for moving forward.

An anonymous reader has this question:

If a guy looks at porn websites most days, usually for about half an hour, does he have a problem? He doesn’t have, or particularly want, a regular partner and he only looks at free websites. The concern is whether he’s going to develop problems in the future.

Well, some people would say that regularly looking at porn is a problem. I’m not one of those people.

Some people think that a preference for porn instead of a partner is a problem. I wouldn’t necessarily agree with that either. If there is an offended or hurt partner in the equation, then that certainly opens up some issues… but it doesn’t sound like that applies here.

But what do I know? The answer hangs on his own definition of ‘problem’. This daily routine might bring some benefits, or it could be holding him back - only he can say how he feels. Perhaps he feels a bit of both, so it becomes a question of balance. Has porn become a habit? How much does it impact his ambitions and self-respect?

What we cannot do is pass judgement on how he chooses to spend his time. Porn is not necessarily a slippery slope, of course.

I’m reminded of an excellent little article I read the other day. Highlighting the ongoing debate of whether sex addiction is real, The Frisky writer Susannah Breslin sums it up rather well:

Whether sex addiction is real or not, the bottom line is whether or not an individual’s sexual behavior is destructive to his/herself or to others. If you have a lot of sex, does that make you a “sex addict”? Not necessarily. If your sex life makes you happy, go for it. (Just don’t forget to be safe when you do it.) And if it doesn’t make you happy, the issues behind why that’s the case may be deeper than just sex.

It struck me recently that this website, and the issues that it covers, can sometimes make for grim reading. Loneliness, self-hatred, hopelessness… all common themes when we’re discussing the realities of porn addiction. By acknowledging these harsh realities, we can begin to find a way out of the despair and compulsive routines. It’s an unavoidable part of recovery.

With this in mind, I’m aware of the importance of keeping the whole issue in perspective. I wanted to post a reminder that not everyone who looks at porn has a problem - the vast majority of porn consumers are certainly not addicted. They are mainly regular guys, whether their partners approve of their porn activity or not.

Then I stumbled across an advice video that makes the point rather well. It’s just one of several articles on askdanandjennifer.com covering guys and porn. I’m not 100% behind every point they make, but they do seem to handle the issue in an open and positive manner.

So this isn’t a green light for porn addicts to deny that they have a problem. This is an attempt to clarify the difference between a regular porn watching guy, and an addict who relies on porn to avoid intimacy or escape some issue in his life. It is also an encouragement for anyone who is concerned about their porn habit, or their partner’s habit, to approach the problem with positivity.

HT has submitted her story of living with a porn-addicted partner, and the ongoing despair that it has caused:

I am a 23 year old mother of two beautifully wonderful children. I have a wonderful husband of 3 years. When it all started 6 years ago we would watch porn everyday. When things got serious between us I started having issues with him looking at it. (I have self esteem and repressed anger issues of my own) it started after we moved in together and got cable. our cable bill skyrocketed he would rent movies while i was asleep next to him, buy magazines, read erotica, surf the web every chance he got (I even started talking to an ex again with him in the other room and he was too engulfed in his search - he didn’t even know i was on the phone, and i made sure i talked loud enough he could hear me).

When i got pregnant with our son i put my foot down and we split up. we remained apart for 9 months. I never thought he was really a porn addict, so after we got back together i would joke about him being an addict to friends and family. I was hurting him and didn’t know it. i thought things were OK it had been 3 years since he had looked at it or so i thought.

Two days ago it started again, I came home and found out he had not hid his “evidence” very well. So of course i blew up. got divorce papers, tried to kick him out and he would not go. he admitted that all my joking was real and that he really was a porn addict. i was devastated. I know an addict has no idea how it feels from the other side. I felt betrayed, hurt, unworthy, and unloved and unappealing. i felt like i was not good enough to look at so why should I stay. Then he reassured me that he loved me with all his heart and asked me to help him with his addiction so now here i am asking for someone to help me help him because i don’t know what to do. I have never dealt with this before. This is my cry for help because he thinks everything will be OK if we just talk about it every so often but i think it will take more then that.

Thanks HT for sharing your situation and feelings with such openness. It’s certainly not unusual for a partner’s porn habit to cause a series of unhappy rifts in a relationship, often over the course of years. All the time, he’s trying to both protect and avoid his compulsive behaviour, and his partner tries to hold things together in the face of all this conflict, neglect and hurt. This can become a horribly prolonged experience.

Your story higlights two of the factors which are so often present in this situation: blowing up and ridicule. Unfortunately, both are factors that generally serve to compound the problem rather than resolve it. Of course, this is absolutely no criticism of your reactions to your husband’s behaviour. These are a partner’s instinctive reactions to a desperate problem. Every couple who has been through this emotional rollercoaster will recognise them well.

With the devastation of discovering a husband’s secret habit, or his continuing obsession after promising to quit, it’s completely natural to hit out at him with rage and accusation. There’s logic to it too; perhaps he will begin to understand the pain that his habit has caused, and an opportunity for change will open up. Sadly, the addiction is usually too strong; his barriers of denial will come up and he’ll return to his habit for consolation. It’s the only place where he really feels in control - this is the bizarre nature of porn addiction.

Making light of the problem with friends and family is a common reaction too. For the partner, it is an attempt to find some support outside of the relationship. Let’s not forget how lonely and hopeless an addict’s partner can feel. It can also be an attempt to humiliate him into facing reality and changing his ways. Again, this inevitably has the opposite effect. He will return to the oblivion of porn, feeling even more wronged and tormented.

In essence, these reactions are all part of the horrible ‘porn addiction game’. You are forced to be persecutor and he gets to be victim, which is the favourite role of any addict. Through rows, emotional distance and solemn promises to really quit this time, couples become locked into a cycle of despair and hopelessness.

The very hopeful news comes towards the end of your account. Painful as it is for you both, his honest acceptance that he has an addiction is a positive step. By requesting your help and offering real discussion, I would suggest that there is definite potential for you both to move forward. However, you are completely correct - open dialogue between you both is essential, but there is a lot more to be done.

Lasting recovery requires genuine motivation on his part and a clear action plan over the coming weeks and months. For both of you, it is a step-by-step process of rebuilding confidence and intimacy. My recovery plan can certainly help provide these steps, along with clear options for him to understand the drives behind his compulsive behaviour. Also, there are some excellent resources recommended on this site. It’s easier said than done, but my key advice at this stage would be to recognise any sign of ‘persecutor’, and try to channel your frustration into a more supportive role. My guide also expands on the options for partners to achieve this.

I wish you both every success in rebuilding your future together.