So what about stories like this, featured in The Daily Star newspaper this week?

Every time I dare to instigate sex, she firmly pushes me away. She claims that she’s tired, ill, or simply “not in the mood”.

As a result of her rejection of me, I’ve turned to porn. It’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s the only thing that gives me the sexual release I need. If my wife would only give me the love and affection I crave, then I wouldn’t need to look at other women.

I agree with agony aunt Jane’s reply – there are multiple issues here.

In our demanding and stressful lives,  masturbation to porn can provide a quick fix of sexual release. And that’s not necessarily a problem; many couples allow for this in a private space, outside of their shared intimacy but still within the terms of their relationship.

Porn is  a problem when it becomes a substitute for sexual intimacy or a secret activity. This could occur for any number of reasons, including conflicting levels of sexual desire, one partner’s specific sexual needs or just plain selfishness. A partner might feel traumatised or neglected by the other partner’s interest in porn, feeling that the exclusivity of the relationship is under threat. This is a compatibility problem that needs to be openly discussed and worked through for the relationship to prosper.

But at this point, we’re still not talking about porn addiction. Now let’s consider a further comment from the husband in the story above:

I tell myself that I’ll only have 15 minutes (of tame stuff) online, but I always end up staying on much longer and invariably view material that turns my stomach.

Now this indicates a compulsive behaviour, and he clearly recognises that his sexual release with porn is out of control. His wife’s unwillingness to have sex is undoubtedly a factor in all of this, but I’m not so sure it’s the cause. So as Jane’s answer suggests, the problems are two-fold.

He might be advised to explore possible issues of insecurity, low self-esteem and profound guilt over wanting sex. His wife is likely to benefit from discussing her sexual avoidance and any traumatic experiences from her past. Some counselling would assist on both fronts, individually and as a couple. Above all, this couple needs to get talking about each other’s sexual expectations for this partnership.

The key objective is to untangle the various issues, and address them one step at a time. In so many of these scenarios, my hunch is that the sexless marriage is the result rather than the cause.

The Daily Star article can be read here

Here are just a couple of the quotes that struck a chord with me:

I’m much more concerned about porn and adult males, many of whom seem to use it as a substitute for real relationships. Substitution quickly becomes distance, and distance becomes an unbridgeable chasm–and the porn-obsessed masturbator develops an unhealthy view of sex and women.

Jesse Kornbluth, former AOL editor-in-chief

I’d hate to be a teenage boy inundated by porn–it just makes them feel inadequate and angry and dismissive of women and their desires

Steve Almond, author of Candy Freak

Just imagine the pressure inexperienced teens must feel, particularly those exposed to hardcore porn. They know it’s a fantasy, but how could they not be affected, consciously or otherwise, when their first time/first relationship finally arrives? As if there wasn’t enough pressure already (longer! stronger!), pornography simply adds one more layer of distortion (bite me! spank it!) and misinformation (hurts so good!) that impressionable teens don’t need.

Jeffrey Wallace, writer and father, Orange Country, California

The entire article makes for very good reading.

• 14 per cent of the wives read their husbands’ emails
• 13 per cent their text messages
• 10 per cent checked their internet web browser histories

Ellen Heslper from the London School of Economics comments:

This contrasts with general research that suggests the women are less technologically skilled than men. It seems that they are able to overcome these barriers when they feel that their relationship is at stake.

Original article here

Writer Tanith Carey reveals the real life story of a couple who almost parted company over his lunch-break porn habit, plus advice from a Relate sex therapist who says that problems related to pornography now make up 70% of her case work. I also provided some suggestions for coming to terms with this issue in your relationship.

You can read the full article here.

That’s great news for ICM Registry, who have been pushing the idea since 2004. They’ll be the sole vendors of the new domain, and have already received over 110,000 registration applications. At $60 a go – kerr-ching!

Conservative groups have protested that this move legitimises internet porn, and it will be even easier to search for (could finding porn be any easier?). Some sex addiction counsellors have also expressed their concerns over the increased accessibility (again, could it be …?). And of course, internet filter companies don’t like the idea very much. Nobody is going to pay for software that only needs to block one domain. I could probably write that code in BASIC.

For me, a more legitimate concern is raised by the free speech community. If the .xxx domain ever becomes compulsory for adult sites, what will be the definition of ‘adult’? Will erotic art and sex educational sites need to move into the virtual red light district?

But I don’t think the liberals, or internet filter companies, have much to worry about. Whilst I support the .xxx concept, I can’t see it having much impact on any of these fronts.

Porn sites would need a significant business incentive to move away from all their established .coms, and all the Google rankings and inbound links that generate their traffic. They may well join the .xxx club, but they’ll no doubt retain all their original domains too.

And I just can’t envisage a legal clampdown that coerces all porn sites, blogs, chatrooms, torrent sites etc to move to the new domain. Only in your dreams, ICM Registry!

Now I do support the ambition of the ICANN decision to make “a voluntary self-regulating community” within the porn sector. ICM has a list of best business practices that .xxx registrants will be expected to follow, including:

• Safeguard children from being marketed or targeted online
• Use and promote accurate labeling and meta-tagging
• Combat the use of unlawful malicious codes and technologies (e.g., spoofing)
• Oppose fraudulent, anonymous and unsolicited bulk SPAM advertising adult entertainment

All of this is very welcome, even if it does sound a bit vague. I look forward to seeing it in practice.

For people who watch a lot of porn, nothing really changes. They just have another domain name to remember. For those who don’t want to see porn, they might be less likely to be bombarded with porn spam, pop-ups and spoof search results.

For people who are working to overcome porn addiction, .xxx domains might one day make filtering easier. That’s a positive thing. But as I have commented before, filtering isn’t the solution. It can be a helpful tactic, but the root of the issue lives offline. We need to address why, as individuals, we find porn so compulsively irresistible. And that’s nothing to do with the letters xxx.

She is writing a feature for the family section of a popular UK newspaper, and assures me that it will be a very sensitively written piece, told in the partner’s own words. I will also be contributing to the article, which aims to help women cope with finding out and ultimately help their partners and save their relationships.

If you would like to speak with the journalist in complete confidence, please do get in touch with me via my contact page.

However, my attention was drawn (thanks Alex!) to recent reports on the investigation of senior SEC staff members who clocked up hours of  work-time porn surfing, even as the massive financial crisis was unfolding.

A senior attorney at the SEC’s Washington headquarters spent up to eight hours a day looking at and downloading pornography. When he ran out of hard drive space, he burned the files to CDs or DVDs, which he kept in boxes around his office. He agreed to resign, an earlier watchdog report said.

Darrell Issa, the top Republican on the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, says it is “disturbing that high-ranking officials within the SEC were spending more time looking at porn than taking action to help stave off the events that put our nation’s economy on the brink of collapse.”

A mind-boggling story, but worth noting that the number of people identified by the inspector general in its investigation is less than 1% of the SEC’s 3,500 employees. Relatively speaking, that’s a low proportion. According to a 2006 survey by Websense Inc, around 16% of men with internet access at work admit to viewing porn in the office.

For me, the SEC revelations highlight the sheer intensity of some people’s compulsive appetite for porn, to the point of jeopardising their high-flying careers.

One case involved an SEC regional office staff accountant caught trying to access porn sites 1,800 times over a two-week period. That person apparently stored over 600 images on her laptop hard drive.

Another employee used SEC computers to upload explicit videos of his own to various porn sites that he had joined, while still another tried accessing porn sites 16,000 times in a month, the report said.

Among those snared in the investigations were two senior enforcement attorneys, one of whom had 775 pornographic images on his SEC-assigned computer.

You can read more about the SEC investigation here

But 1 in 6 women?? I’d love to know where that statistic came from…

Why on earth would he do that?

Writing for the Times Educational Supplement, journalist Adi Bloom examines why teachers might take extraordinary risks to access porn. Talking to counsellors and addiction therapists, she highlights the contributing factors of low feelings, depression, and challenged self-esteem. The classroom can be an extremely stressful workplace, where teachers constantly battle for control and authority.

Psychotherapist Carlos Fishman explains:

Teachers can feel frustrated and humiliated by teenagers who are standing up to authority. Looking at pornography may be an attempt to reverse this and restore any slight against self-esteem, he says.

“By looking at pornography and identifying with the cruel, alienated performer of pornographic scenes, that sense of masculinity is temporarily restored.”

I also contributed to the article, which can be read in full here.

• experience problems forming intimate relationships
• indulge in casual sex
• believe that aggressive or violent sex is the norm
• harass girls into emulating porn actresses

Dr Michael Flood, a sociologist based at the Australian Research Centre for Sex Health and Society, makes this observation about the influence of porn:

We know it is shaping sexual knowledge. Some people may think that is good. But porn is a very poor sex educator because it shows sex in unrealistic ways and fails to address intimacy, love, connection or romance. Often it is quite callous and hostile in its depictions of women.

It doesn’t mean that every young person is going out to rape somebody but it does increase the likelihood that will happen.