I soon became very bored with the David Duchovny sex addiction scandal. It’s been done to death in the gossip columns and news blogs, and I’m sure many readers are feeling the same.
But there’s always a positive aspect: the ongoing media coverage of the wider problem. For example, a great article appeared in The Sun a few days ago.
Steve Cole, Addiction Services Manager at the Cygnet Hospital in London, explains one of the most common symptoms of pornography addiction:
“It means it can be conducted in secret and the wildest fantasies can be lived out online. Addicts may start to spend more and more time online, amassing collections of pornography.
The partner of a sex addict may not even know what their other half is going through, but bizarrely a big warning sign is usually when they stop wanting sex.”
He also offers sound, practical advice for facing up to the problem:
The first step is recognising there is a problem and then seeking help from an addiction counsellor. And he stresses that it need not be a dedicated sex therapist since the mechanisms of addiction are the same.
He says: “Addiction therapists will look at addiction across the board whether it’s drugs, alcohol, gambling, shopping or sex. The sufferer may not experience actual withdrawal symptoms but will still need time to detox from the compulsion in a safe environment.”
I should add that ‘detox’ from porn addiction is not about private clinics or therapy retreats… unless you have the finances of a Hollywood A-lister. As part of a recovery plan, we can all take steps to create our own ’safe environment’. I’m planning to blog some more on this very soon.
Sometimes when I refer to compulsive porn use as a coping mechanism, I get some pretty blank looks. Especially from wives and partners.
It comes as less of a surprise to the guys who are caught up in this trap. For them, the novelty of porn is long gone. It doesn’t even feel sexy anymore, except from the occasional buzz of discovering some new niche or fetish (a troubling trend in itself, but we’ll leave that for another blog post).
So why do guys keep doing it? Why continue to invest such vast amounts of time in porn, all the while diverting their emotional energy away from their relationships and real lives?
Well, the answer lies in that diversion. Porn is an escape mechanism, albeit a hazardous one. For so many people, the routine of seeking and absorbing porn distracts us from the things in our lives that we’re desperate to avoid. When pressure or anxiety builds, so does the allure of pornography.
This article in the Daily Telegraph illustrates the point nicely. Jonathan Alpert, a Manhattan psychotherapist has seen a threefold increase in the number of Wall Street workers seeking help for their sex addiction as the economic meltdown gathered pace over the last six months.
Jodi Conway, a sex addiction specialist based across the Hudson River in New Jersey, explains that the financial meltdown has triggered the “maladaptive coping mechanisms” of bankers. Among her clients in recent weeks are Wall Street financiers who have been caught looking at pornography on their work laptops as share prices tumbled.
Mr Alpert counsels his patients to confront the reasons for their addiction and then helps them with other methods of alleviating stress, like taking more exercise or improving their diet. He says:
“Like many addictions, you have to help sex addicts question the purpose it is serving. They’re using it to escape from the anxiety and pressure caused by the crash of the market. They like to live on the edge.”
Of course, we still have a choice. This is an explanation of the drive behind porn addiction, but not an excuse or justification. We all have options for how we de-stress and get through difficult times. The process of recovery means learning to recognise and act on these options.
Last week’s Irish Times featured a detailed review of my approach to tackling porn addiction. I was really pleased to read the positive comments from counsellor Padraig O’Morain, the author of the article.
Final thought: people who have a dependence on pornography are not bad people. They are just people who are hooked on a very strong drug and who need to make new choices.
They could start off by looking at McClain’s website at www.quitpornaddiction.com which promotes his e-book but also has a link to his blog with lots of good, free information. If you are married to somebody with a pornography addiction, you will find much here to interest you as well.
Prompted by Susan Cheever’s new book “Desire: Where Sex Meets Addiction”, an article in The Sunday Times adds to the ongoing debate: does sex addiction really exist, or is it simply being used to sell books and fill cinemas?
With brief comments from therapists representing both sides of the argument, Marty Klein and Patrick Carnes, the article neatly summarises some of the key arguments. There’s clearly much more debate on the way:
The term “sex addiction” was officially listed as a mental disorder in 1980 but was removed from the list in 1994 as the belief took hold that only substances, not behaviour, could be addictive. However, a medical task-force is considering restoring it to the latest Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
For me, Cheever’s comment at the end highlights one very common problem faced by people trying to overcome their obsession with porn: habits reinvent themselves.
When we cut out the porn sites by filtering or moving the computer into a more public space, we might find ourselves aimlessly surfing YouTube for hours on end. Sometimes, there’s a risk that the habit could turn to offline obsessions, such as adult phonelines or kerb crawling.
Of course, this applies to all forms of compulsive behaviour. Cheever noticed a shift from alcoholism to sex addiction:
“In 1999, when I wrote about alcoholism,” she said, “I had no idea that there was such a thing as sex addiction. It’s only in writing this book that I’ve come to see that all addictions are one addiction.”
She went on: “Addiction isn’t about substance – you aren’t addicted to the substance, you are addicted to the alteration of mood that the substance brings. And if that substance is taken away, you’ll replace it with another substance.”
So ‘cutting it out’ isn’t really overcoming the problem. Breaking out of addictive games requires a clear action plan. For recovery in the long-term, we need to delve a little deeper into what drives the compulsion in the first place.
Although it made me cringe more than once, this recent advice article makes for an interesting read. Psychologist Dr. David Moore and addiction expert Bill Manville touch on various aspects of porn addiction, and serve up a couple of curveballs in the process.
Dr. Dave risks losing us early on with a tenuous comment about Jesus, but gets back on track with this simple summary of the problem:
A quick bit of self-diagnosis will help. Has your porn viewing begun to harm your health, your job and finances, your family and marriage? And do you continue to do it anyway? That’s no longer an amusement. That’s an addiction.
Well said.
Upon being asked about 12-step programs for porn addicts and their partners, things get interesting. I certainly have my reservations about 12-step, but here’s one you don’t hear every day:
I’m going to surprise you and say “no” - primarily because too many of those narrowly-focused groups are filled with known sexual offenders.
Well I was suprised. Instead, he advocates addressing an obsession with porn in the context of larger issues. There’s some contradiction when he suggests attending alcohol or drug related 12-step groups, but I appreciate that these issues are sometimes related.
Our experts then consider how addictive behaviours feed on isolation, and how this leads to objectification.
Seeing others as “nasty” sexual objects feeds our fantasies. Turning away from the solitary pleasures of computer porn to focus on increasing your partner’s emotional pleasure is Step One. The reward is that this maximizes your own sexual response; removing the motivation, and even ability, to objectify a sexual partner.
This interesting article explores the impact of porn addiction on family life. Writer Emma Cook speaks to affected couples and considers how a husband’s casual curiousity for internet porn can begin to undermine family relationships.
I was interviewed by Emma and some of my observations from working with couples are included in the article.
So another celebrity porn addiction story riding the headlines, and another sex addiction expert in the studio. I certainly wish David Duchovny a successful recovery, but the raised profile of porn addiction in the media is a positive consequence of his story. It can only contribute to awareness and debate.
After commenting here about the definition and recognition of sex addiction, therapist Ian Kerner makes a couple of interesting observations about recovery from porn addiction. We all acknowledge that cold turkey alone is generally destined to fail. Ian emphasises the need for counselling and getting a firm handle on the desires that drive compulsive behaviour.
He reminds us that for many men, desire for sex is not the cause. For so many men troubled by porn, this is a simple yet profoundly important realisation.
For some time now, I’ve been a fan of the writings of American sex therapist Dr. Marty Klein.
On the subject of porn addiction, I have a feeling he’d take me to task over a few things. Like my usage of the term ‘porn addiction’, for example. At the same time, I hope he’d acknowledge that my approach certainly does not make sex the enemy, or resort to moralising and guilt trips. Hopefully we’d concur on these points.
Anyway, speaking of moralising and guilt trips, here’s Dr. Klein’s summary of a recent obscenity trial in the U.S. city of Staunton. As he says, it’s a bigger deal than may first appear. The federal Department of Justice was involved in this prosecution, testing the water for a wider clampdown on the sale of pornography. Depressingly, this trial is an example of the government achieving their prosecution, despite their inexpert and misguiding tactics. A worrying victory of scaremongering over informed rationale.
The government’s expert, Dr. Mary Anne Layden, made some stirring quotes:
Porn is the “most concerning thing to psychological health that I know of today” and porn addicts have “more trouble recovering from their addiction than cocaine addicts”
If this is so, one of the main reasons is the outdated stigma applied to pornography, and those who choose to watch it. Those who do develop an unhealthy relationship with porn would benefit from broader awareness and understanding of their situation, and the real factors in their lives that caused it. Heavy-handed censorship and moralising provides no benefit at all. Cue further shame, confusion and fear… starting with those well-meaning jurors.
When we’re informed and treated like adults, it’s easer for us to take account of our ourselves. From this courtroom account, there’s still no evidence of any such enlightenment on the part of the government.
Microsoft have confirmed that Internet Explorer 8, due to be released later this year, will include the new InPrivate Browsing feature.
Already dubbed by some commentators as ‘porn mode’, the new privacy option enables the user to control whether or not IE saves browsing history, cookies, and other data. The new browser also improves functionality for cleaning browsing history after a surfing session.
In the ensuing debate on various blogs, there have been suggestions that Microsoft are practically condoning sneaky porn surfing. Will this product lead to further porn obsessions and guilty secrets? Other commentators feel that the feature is long overdue. At least porn fans will be less likely to accidentally expose their online tracks to wives and children.
In truth, reaction and debate interests me more than the new IE8 features. In not sure InPrivate will make much difference, beyond making covering tracks even more of a no-brainer than it is already. Addicts will probably use InPrivate alongside their trusty history eraser program for good measure.
Savvy organisations will disable the InPrivate feature as soon as IE8 is rolled out, and continue monitoring employees just as before. Parents with an interest in their children’s internet use should take a similar approach.
Let’s get something out of the way - this blog isn’t particularly concerned with religious affairs. It’s not a celebrity scandals blog either. But sometimes, a news story pops up with genuine relevance to porn addiction. This one just happens to combine all three topics…
Here are the facts as I see them:
Michael Guglielmucci is a young pastor and musician with a large following in Australia.
In 2006, Michael announced that he was suffering from an aggressive form of cancer, and his bravery and humility was an inspiration to many. He spoke widely about his struggle with illness, and released the hit song Healer, inspired by his experience. Many people donated money to the Guglielmucci cancer cause.
Last week, Michael admitted that he doesn’t have cancer at all. Completely alone, he had conducted an elaborate hoax. Of course, this was met with mass disbelief and shock.
He explained that he was covering up for a 16-year obsession with pornography, and his ploy had escalated out of control. Cue further shock and horror.
So what’s actually going on with Michael Guglielmucci? Many people are scratching their heads. Well I don’t know, but I’ve got a pretty strong hunch…
Some clues:
Michael’s father, Danny Guglielmucci, is a highly dynamic minister himself, and founder of Edge Church International. Unsuprisingly, Danny advocates some powerful ideals about how a man should conduct himself. It’s potent stuff indeed.
From this, we can build a picture of Michael’s introduction to the realities of sexuality. Danny said this about his son’s porn revelation: “It’s horrendous because we don’t have that sort of stuff around. He was raised in a Christian home; we’ve never brought that stuff into our home.”
Now I don’t advocate parents leaving porn around the house either. I happen to believe that it’s useful for parents to nourish their kids with support, information and reassurance. This includes all those tricky issues thrown up by a child’s developing sexuality.
I wonder what lessons Micheal learned in his early formative years. Strong injuctions against sexual thoughts, masturbation and those bikini girls on the TV? Considering Danny’s convictions, fairly likely, I’d say, and then some.
Michael’s upbringing may have been intensely righteous. And it sounds like his issues with porn were intensely painful too. To quote his father again:
“Michael has had a severe addiction to pornography. The addiction to pornography started when he was 12… when he was about 12 he did vomit all the time, he’d get really really sick.”
“He was in the Adelaide Children’s Hospital for seven weeks at one stage; he didn’t eat and we thought we were going to lose him.”
“He was feeling like he was letting God down, letting his family down, his church, his friends.”
I feel for the kid, I really do.
So again, pornography isn’t the culprit here. This isn’t a search for blame. I don’t claim to know all the factors in Michael’s story. But it is a message of teaching perspective, and in this case, the intensity of Michael’s learned perspective led to obsession and tragic humiliation.
Here’s the call: a little more openness, and a little less righteous hero-building, can really benefit your child. Yes he might still have developed a fondness for porn, but I suggest he would have been better equipped to prevent fondness turning into troubling obsession.
Microsoft have 
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