Can I re-wire myself to reach orgasm without the need for porn?
I am a 25 year old single woman. I have a habit of watching porn almost every night (except that one week of the month) and feel that it's impacting my sexual life with my boyfriend. I have a very difficult time reaching climax with any man, in fact it's only happened once with the man I am with. When I am alone watching porn a small orgasm (not intense) is easily reached within 15 min. but it just doesn't happen when I am with him.
Has my brain told my body I can't reach this point unless I am watching porn? Is there a way to "re-wire" my thinking? I'm so frustrated with myself! I want to share that with him but I can't.
I tried to stop watching porn, but the most I've been able to go without it is 3 weeks. This upsets me greatly. I began to think about why I do this... and then I remembered when I was 7 years old, I accidentally found what seemed to be a "cartoon book" in my father's drawer as I flipped through it I saw woman's breasts and... well... intercourse. I remember feeling very confused and curious about it, and somehow I knew it was "bad" because it was hidden. I never confronted this or told anyone, but I remember feeling something "funny down there" but didn't know what it was.
I'm also so very confused about why I watch lesbian porn if I'm not a lesbian. Maybe I am, and I don't know? I'm guessing the incident that happened when I was 7 has a lot to do with this... ?? How do I change my thinking/behavior? Please, please help!
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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Porn Dependency
Hello.
Thank you for sharing your story. You raise a number of questions; does enjoying lesbian porn make me a lesbian; can overuse of porn dampen my arousal response; how has my childhood experiences affected my sexuality in adulthood?
Leaving the porn issue aside for a moment, it's somewhat ironic (in this case) that the advice given to women who struggle to climax with their partners would be to use masturbation as a way to learn more about their own arousal and to then teach their partners; your concern is that your masturbation/porn routines are the cause of the problem.
It would be useful to look at the problem from a non-porn perspective initially. These might be obvious points, but I wonder if you have tried to explain to your male partner how you like to masturbate so he can try to emulate. It's also worth noting that female arousal is different to male arousal and women often rely on anticipation and build up to enable orgasm. This might be a self-fulfilling prophesy; if you are dreading love making because you know you won't climax, then you might be entertaining 'quickies' which tend to be more satisfying for men than women. You also don't mention if you've ever tried making love with your partner whilst watching porn, as this might yield some further clues to where the problem lies.
Now, turning to the porn-related issues. Looking at lesbian porn doesn't make you a lesbian. In Jason Dean's Porn Game Over he explains some of the reasons people look at certain porn. Sometimes we're exploring a curiosity, it might be related to control or it might be related to a porn habit where escalation is essential to maintaining the buzz, and the person might actually be a little freaked out by the content themselves. This is a complex area that I cannot do justice to in a few lines.
Certainly there are elements of your story that imply dependency on porn, but I wonder if you can successfully masturbate to climax without it. If so, it might be worth trying this for a time. If you feel strongly compelled to look at porn during this exercise and are struggling to avoid it then you might want to consider a more structured approach to behavioural change and I would again suggest the advice in Jason Dean's Porn Game Over guide.
Regarding your childhood experiences, it sounds like this event has stayed with you and we all discover our sexuality in different ways. Some of us grow up in households or cultures where sex is unspoken and the discovery of anything sexual (in your case your dad's erotic cartoon) can be like finding the forbidden fruit that promises the gift of knowledge and apparent 'maturity'; knowing what the grown-ups know. Into adulthood we may still be associating porn with the power and excitement that it once afforded us.
Good luck.
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