Another Cukold Porn addict :(

All so it is almost the new year and I am trying (o9nce again) to lick this troubling compulsion I have for Cuckold themed porn. I have been reading similar posts here and the great discussions and advice that follow, so I am not sure that my story adds anything but a catharsis for me as I start to try to address some of my demons.

I am 46 YO, and a fairly successful executive. I was raised in your standard home but dad was an alcoholic… not physically abusive, but just not attentive. I always just assumed that was normal, mom dealt with the kids dad went to work, and sat in his chair with his cigarettes and beer. My mom, while just fine as a mother was not given to much affection or praise but I did well in school and had lots of friends, etc. Never thought anything was in anyway traceable back to my upbringing until my wife and I were in some counseling and the therapist brought it up. Told her some stories that had even her crying, but I never remembered them as being that traumatic at the time. In the end , I think it is too cliché to blame my issues on my parents. I was as a kid, and remain today, as happy to walk in the woods all alone as to go to any sort of social gathering. I like quiet time alone with my thoughts, a bit of a loner I guess.
High school as well came and went fine, not many dates, but not unpopular. Just not able to talk to girls very well.

Went to college and sophomore year met a pretty girl and we dated for most of the rest of my college days. She was my first real lover, and she had more experience than I to be sure. When we broke up it was ultimately because of a series of infidelities on her part. Cheating on me with a college roommate as well as others. Tragically I still wanted to get her back and she was the one who broke it off by getting engaged to another man. I was a real schmuck.

Not much dating after college and it was THEN that I discovered phone sex. I thought at the time the reason I chose dominant women for those sessions was because then THEY would do the talking and I did not know what to say, or have much creativity. I thought this just puts the onus on them to drive the call. I am sure now that I already had a desire for a woman to take charge and a desire to please her.

Eventually I married a wonderful girl and we are good together, but I always had some phone or internet (later) porn in my life. My wife is very strong, a perfectionist, and very critical of my failings, but not a Domme in the sexual department. So I continued to seek that elsewhere. I guess it was close to 9 years ago when I discovered the cuckold fantasies and took to it like a duck to water! Over the years I have developed and maintained very detailed a fantasy persona online and interact with other men and women (they say) online about this, as well as frequent webcam sites. Also, put myself in a chastity device for much of every day and wear it during web cam session with girls to add to the humiliation aspect (tell them my wife makes me wear it while she has sex with her lover). Wearing it excites me all day and adds to my constant distraction. (as my wife never wants anything to do with me sexually anymore would never know I am wearing it) It has been so long since the wife and I have had sex I don’t even know how to approach her about it anymore  but I do want her.

I did have some therapy with my wife at one time (she started going cause she was unhappy with the kdis behavior, but it became as much about us as the kids), we did not get into the porn aspect, but therapist on several occasions told me to “man up” and to ask for what I want from my wife (who is a very strong personality and perfectionist) she referred to my general demeanor as that of a “grumpy Slave”; I do whatever to try to please my wife, but I resent it at the same time. Very toxic, I know , I know.

I am in the penis department, certainly below average; less than 4.5 inches fully erect, and perhaps due to my age, full erection is unlikely without some chemical aid (Cialis). This does not add to my confidence at all. I have actually apologized to my wife for my inadequacy and she said, “oh dear you are fine” (talk about damming with faint praise). But the reason she sites for being uninterested in sex with me, is that she is tired and not happy with her body (as she has put on quite a few pounds in the last few years).
So I went from someone not particularly confident with the opposite sex to begin with, to spending more than a decade paying girls and other men to tell me I am in adequate – though clearly many were uncomfortable with it, and did not agree…and of course if they TRIED to tell me I was attractive, or that I deserve good sex with my wife, they were of course crossed of my list of girls to visit ever again.

I have a good job, but I have spent hours on porn sites my office with webchats and up of looking at pictures on cuckold sites or downloading movie to watch later. Now everyone in the office works for me, but I am still terrified that I will get “outed” and perhaps fired! SO WHY DO I DO IT! Also worry that my kids will find my stash of porn files or something.

Anyway, wish me luck as I take a swing at getting my shit together now. Bought some books about working through sex addiction, and buying a journal to write down my thoughts etc to get them out of my head and examine them and perhaps help me sort all this out.

I have tens of gigs of videos from various websites, really want to work up the courage to delete it all… but (and I know how this sounds) it is a serious investment and it still excites me, and hate to just trash it all….. (backsliding already ...ARGH! )