Will my fiance's porn addiction always be the problem? EN's story

Submitted by a reader on Sun, 14/02/2010 - 20:40

a reader's picture

I am recently engaged to a wonderful man of whom I have been living with for 3 years. He is kind, generous, loving, and an excellent lover and partner. I could not ask for more in a future husband.

However, during our dating relationship I found things on his computer that he had hidden from me: conversations in chat rooms with girls, porn images, videos, and so on. The amount of it was excruciating to find and hit me like a huge blow. I confronted him and he said that he recognized he had a porn addiction problem and that it had been a problem since he was a teenager, when he was first introduced to pornography.

I did not react well... I felt as though I was not enough to please him and he was looking elsewhere for satisfaction. He said he would stop. Of course, he did not. This was a bad pattern for a long time. I would find things, he would come up with some crazy outlandish story trying to tell me they were not his, that someone else was on his computer, and so on.

Over time, I asked him to get more serious help and told him that honesty was paramount to continue in a relationship. He put X3 watch on his computer, and gave me his passwords, but it did not "catch" everything, and I felt like a parent rather than a girlfriend by having access and "spying" on him. Over time, he got "better" (his word) and I thought things were going well. I had no reason to believe differently. I was happy.

Then, he proposed. I had not looked at his email in a long time, as I thought things had been fixed (I suppose this was naive of me, but he had asked that I trust and believe in him, and so I did). After our engagement, I checked on his email and found images of him that were taken during a live video chat.

I, again, reiterate that I love this man dearly and he is a great person. I understand now, after lots of research, more as to why he does what he does and that he lies to me about it and hides it because he is ashamed. I wish he knew it was the lies that I am upset about now, more than the addiction. He says he will get counseling, he placed the strongest blocks on all computers (work, home, laptop) that he could find, and wants to do couples counseling as well. I feel sad and hurt and betrayed that I have been lied to, and that we are entering an engagement and potential marriage with this on our shoulders. I am saddened that he is going through this and I want to be there for him.

But my question is, how much more can I do? I forgive him, I move forward with him, I read books and websites and everything I can on this... but, I worry that my life has become consumed by his addiction and will become worse if I stay with him. Can someone really get over porn addiction, or will it slowly creep back somehow over time, again and again? I want to have faith, but I am running out. I feel doubt. It's hard not to take it all personal. He knows it hurts me that he does these things, and he says he wants to stop..but he can't seem to. Any advice, help, would be much appreciated.

Thank you EN for raising a question often asked by partners: how much more can I do? It's a horrible dilemma for wives or girlfriends of men who compulsively use pornography.

If you fight and kick against it, he gets defensive and spins lies to get you off his case. Or he repeatedly lulls you into a false sense of security with earnest promises to stop.

When you try to forgive and support him, he seems to take it for granted and carries on regardless. It almost feels as if this is your problem to sort out.

If you try to ignore things, it feels like his addiction has won. The future of your relationship with this man starts to look like years of compromise; always playing second fiddle to the girls on his computer screen.

The problem is that despite your best intentions to help him and heal your relationship, the porn addiction 'game' sucks you into playing these roles. Accountability tools like X3 Watch can be helpful, but can also become part of the porn detective game. It's very positive for partners to research and get clued up about porn addiction, but he needs to be doing it too. Otherwise you find yourself playing worried parent.

Such games can become all-consuming and obsessional for both partners, so your concerns about getting sucked in further are perfectly valid.

Partners need to stop playing the game, and that's easier said than done. There's a fine balance to be struck, somewhere between loving support and cold, clinical detachment. As long as he's genuinely motivated to work for change, he can know that you are right with him. But otherwise, his porn habit really is a deal breaker.

When I say detachment, I mean absolving yourself of any blame for the problem he's had since his teens, and refusing to engage in any of the games that prop us his behaviour.

Now the good news: it is possible to overcome porn addiction. Permanently and completely. Finito. But he needs to do the work. He has to earn the good feelings of recovery, and stop dodging the issue with more porn and video chat.

So many men who struggle with porn are, in all other areas of their lives, wonderful and loving individuals. So why do they compulsively play this game, with so much potential to hurt the closest people in their lives? Well, the influence of porn is external to him; it's something he desperately reaches out for to avoid other issues or emotional pain. He uses the addiction, he's attracted and deceived by it, but he is not defined by the addiction.

In other words, his kind and loving character very much remains. Yet another reason why this is such a heartbreakingly difficult issue for partners to get a handle on; the game has so many faces.

But building this perspective can be empowering, especially for him. Instead of being a powerless and addicted man, he's a strong, separate individual who can choose to deal with the situation. So he can actually do the things he talks about, like getting counselling and reading books and websites. He can follow a real-world strategy for dealing with his habit and enabling you both to move forward.

I sincerely hope that he finally acknowledges all the patience and support that you have offered, and wish you both every success.

Hi En,

I completely understand how you feel. I have been dealing with it for the past year and half too. I discovered it before getting married too, I always had doubts if this would ever get better( and it hasn't).There are days I wonder if getting married to him was a good idea. The addiction doesn't make a person, but it can ruin a relationship. I'm sure your fiance has a lot of good qualities, and I really hope for you it gets better. I can not say it will get better, cause I don't know if it ever does. People keep saying that it gets better, you gotta work hard, I don't even know what needs to be done anymore. I really hope it gets better for you, and that you can have a great wedding that you deserve.

reply

Hello EN,

The first point I would make to you is that its FAR FAR better to have found out out your partners porn habits now BEFORE you make a commitment to being fully married. I know this in and of itself is cold comfort but better the devil you know than the devil you don't as it were.

No.2 Your partner's porn habits probably pre date's your relationship, he probably was struggling with porn for a long time before you met him.

No.3 You have to realize that the problem here is ALL your partners,& only he can fix it, only he can stop using porn and only he can take full responsibility for his behavior. You cannot do this for him no matter how much you would like too.

No.4 Someone with a strong or deeply embedded porn habit (porn obsession, porn compulsion or porn dependency) CAN BE HEALED and the porn habits can be cured so too speak. BUT and here's the rub!!! here's the kicker THEY HAVE TO BE MOTIVATED TO AND WANT TO CHANGE. Sadly, and talking from experience people only change when they feel safe enough to change, feel ready & able to change. Bear in mind humans find change deeply difficult, we all find change deeply scary deeply problematic.

No.5 Changing a porn habit that has been going on for a decade can only be changed VERY slowly, bit by bit (slowly slowly catchee monkey !!etc). The only way this type of behavior can be changed is in a very long slow process of withdrawal from the porn usage over a prolonged period of time, we know (people on this website) that cold turkey or sudden withdrawal from using porn doesn't work. Again talking from experience it doesn't work.

No.6 YES! At-least you know about his porn habits, you now know how to tells you lies about his behavior in an attempt to try & cover his guilt & shame. The problem with someone having a porn habit is that its like throwing a large rock into a pond the waves of a porn habit ripple out and touch everyone in that persons circle (overtly or covertly).

No.7 YES! I think some individual counseling or therapy on his porn problem would be very beneficial indeed BUT it has to be his choice to want to do that NOT yours. If you feel so hurt I would also suggest you get some support for yourself too (I'm really NOT sure couple counseling is the answer here). He needs a good therapist who fully understands the nature of someone with a porn dependency and how to help them with this.

reply

Hello again,

A further point worth bearing in mind is that if a person or partner has a porn problem its highly likely that the porn habit is just a symptom. The porn is NOT the real problem, porn is often a cover up for the real issues or deeper problem. Peoples use of porn is highly paradoxical and the more you investigate what porn really is, how & why it is being used the more porn becomes something you never expected it to be.

Porn is often the opposite of what it appears, for example many people think porn is used for sexual kicks and it might be at a superficial level but it also numbs a person out just like a pain killer tablet takes a pain away. So using porn takes a pain or feelings away especially feelings that are hard to face up too, the paradox here is that the porn adds further pain on top of the problematic original feelings. This then set's up a cycle of pain kicks & denial & more pain feeling very empty & depressed & fully or remorse or self dislike & shame etc.

The problem is that if you remove the crutch of a porn users habit then they are left having to deal with all those unresolved feelings that they swallowed down or buried by some other means. The unconscious flood gates are opened and the emotions will need to be felt, expressed and understood before a healing process can take place and the person move on.

reply

Thought for today!

The problem is NOT porn per say, its how you use it and why you use it? Its our relationship with porn that's the real problem.

reply

I agree, alcohol doesn't make us alcoholic. Porn on itself is not the problem. To me the problem is using almost all of your sexual desires on porn and not with your problem. Even that is not my main problem with it. The main problem is lies and hiding it an lieing some more. Making your partner think that everything is better, until she finds some more porn in the house. Its a crazy roller coaster that nobody deserves.
I don't believe in making people chose between me or something else, but I had enough of it, so I told my husband that as long as he is honest with me I will be with him to support him. If I found out one more time that he has been hiding things from me, then I'm gone. And I really will be gone.

Some will argue that masturbation and porn is something very personal that we don't have to share with other people, I agree to some degree. Until it doesn't become a problem masturbation is personal. When its a problem, like in our partner's case, I don't think that should be personal. If they were open and honest with us and not make us think that everything is better, when its not...then the porn is not the problem. HE IS....

I've noticed that our partners will make excuses how their childhood wasn't the best, how that affect him, so he turned to porn. I feel bad for somebody that didn't have a good childhood, but I think those are excuses. We are not married to their parents, why should we suffer for their mistakes..At this point these are excuses,and until you have excuses, you won't deal with the problem. Your mom didn't make you depend on porn, that was your decision. Everything is because of choices we make, and we should deal with them without excuses. My controlling dad didn't make me smoke, it was my decision to smoke, so its my fault that I can't quiet now!!! I think until our partners see their actions and decisions, nothing will change.

reply

Dear L,

I think you are entirely correct in your analysis and I have to agree with you. The problem is that some level of using porn is certainly driven (fueled as it were) by powerful unconscious forces which lay below the everyday conscious awareness. I'm NOT however excusing a persons porn habits here, because at another level porn usage does have a conscious level of awareness. I think the difficulty lies with the fact that porn has a very numbing side effect on the user and this dents or dulls the persons conscious ability to link how they behave and how it hurts a partner like yourself.

Secondly, I agree with you about lies, betrayal & deceptions all these things corrode the very foundations of trust a relationship needs to be founded on. You know sometimes partners who have a porn habit actually might need a stark deadline to bring them to sobriety and to force them to see that they might be just about to pay the ultimate price i.e. loose something much bigger and much more valuable than they had ever thought. The price they are at risk is loosing their partner, this might in some cases force the person to face changing.

Thirdly, If a partner is unwilling or unable to change their habits & behavior then there might be little choice remaining but to walk away. ALL we can do if someone cannot change is change OUR relationship to that person or situation. Bye walking away we leave them to their chronic patterns of dysfunction but we help ourselves remain sane though our hearts may be be deeply wounded even though we might still love that person at core. Love might indeed mean letting them truly go? !!. Love might also mean letting that person go so you can heal your own heart, it could be an act of healthy self love too.

**Love the person NOT the behavior.

reply

**Love the person NOT the behavior**

We are in a relationship with our partners because we love( or loved ) the person.But we get to know a person from his/her behavior. If you drink too much, you are an alcoholic. If you cheat on your partner over and over, you are a cheater. If you lie over and over, you are a liar.
I don't want to seem harsh, but a marriage is like an emotional contract. As long as both sides respect the terms they agreed from the start. I'm not saying that we don't make mistakes, but there are some mistakes that if they are made over and over again, they are deal breakers. I don't think my husband would still be with me if I was cheating on him for the past two years.

reply

Dear EN,
What I am trying to say is, you shouldn't go to that altar if you have doubts about it. Somthing needs to change before you get married. I wish I could have done something before I got married. When I was in the altar, before I said " I do" I thought about his problem. And no women deserve that in their wedding day. Tell him that he needs to change before you get married. Something's gotta change.
You gotta do it for you. You can't love anybody if you can't fight and love yourself.

reply

What I was trying to say is that the core person, the core personality is something that remains a constant force un-besmirched and intact deep down. The porn habit and its associated behaviors are distortions and are usually aspects of the person that can change, these patterns are not a part of the deeper core person. They may seem that way but they are secondary in reality from a psychological point of view, people can change if they are ready & willing to. The porn habit or pattern of porn usage is a symptom, a symptom of other issues that are not being faced up to or resolved. It may be that those deeper problems are connected to difficulties in relating, could be difficulties with intimacy needs, could be connected to power issues for example feelings of impotency, fear of feeling dependent on a women (partner). Many of these deeper issues are unconscious but expressed by denial through the use of pornography, although the porn is just the lid or stopper on the denial bottle as it were. I have no idea what your partners specific issues are but porn is frequently just a method which keeps the denial intact. Porn is just a method of avoidance just like getting drunk or stoned is, its very similar yet different.

reply

"You know sometimes partners who have a porn habit actually might need a stark deadline to bring them to sobriety and to force them to see that they might be just about to pay the ultimate price i.e. loose something much bigger and much more valuable than they had ever thought. The price they are at risk is loosing their partner, this might in some cases force the person to face changing."

Alex, I completely agree with this. However, as a partner who left and it *didn't* force my husband to see the light, I want to say this: Don't leave because you think he'll finally start to get it. You cannot control the outcome. Leave because you're fed up to your teeth with it and you want to get on with your life. If you leave in order get him to change, you're in for a world of hurt and more game-playing.

The paradox here is that porn addiction often erodes value and meaning from the things non-addicted people give value and meaning to--family, friends, satisfying work. The porn often becomes *the* most valuable thing in the addict's life, and he will get rid of whatever or whoever--even his loved ones--in order to stay in relationship to the porn.

I married my husband knowing he was a porn addict, too. I thought he'd get more serious about recovery after we were married--that somehow being married would give him "more to lose" (I also truly loved him, but thinking I could control his addiction was part of my distorted thinking at the time). Big mistake. Being married did nothing to get him to change, and it gave *me* more to lose. We're currently in the process of divorce, after only seven months of marriage (and a year plus of being separated).

reply

You CANNOT CONTROL another person!!. Therefore the only thing you can do, & do have a choice over is your relationship to that person or situation. Meaning that sometimes the most rational, & the most sane thing to do is whats best for you. That might include walking away. You cannot change him, he alone has the power to make that choice, he will only change when he is ready too or is motivated too and not before.

reply

Margaux,

I think me and you have kinda the same story. I married him knowing his problem, we have been married only for 7 months. I am staying in this marriage only because he finally admitted that he has a problem a week ago. I am staying to give him a chance to change his habits. I know its hard for him, but all I asked him a week ago was to be honest with me. I told him I will stay as long as he is honest and we try to overcome this habit. If I'm lied to again, I will be gone. Not to make him realize that I'm serious about it, but because I can't waste my life away with lies after lies.
I don't think you can change somebody, but in a relationship you have all the rights in the world to put limits and boundaries. Our partners have not respected our limits, and we should not be fine with that. We have all the rights in the world to love ourselves more than we love them.

reply

The ability to Love yourself is vitally important. Paradoxically I concluded that people who have a serious porn habit also have great difficulty with self love, using porn could result in a distortion of an otherwise healthy narcissism. In other words using porn is a symptom of not really being able to love yourself. After all happy people who have a more or less healthy balanced life & can love themselves DON'T normally indulge in self flagellation?

**Fine, if you hate yourself, loath yourself, feel terrible, if you have zero self confidence,etc,etc carry on using porn.

**You always pay a price for using & viewing porn even if that cost is not at all obvious. You will pay the price later on in ways which you might not have ever considered.

reply

Put at its starkest Porn is a loose loose game for most people. Porn is a win win for the pornographers. End of story.

reply

thank you to all who commented. Now I know that I am not alone. I was married for 24 years. the last 12, I road the rollercoaster of lies, promises & broken heart. He chose the porn over me. It gets such a strong hold on them. I truely loved him too. i still do but I just can't live every day of the rest of my life like that. I've been separated from him for 3 months now and it has been VERY hard but I need to move on with my life. Think long & hard before you marry someone with a porn addiction. He wasn't addicted when we go married (well I don't know that for sure) but I know that it is a long broken hearted journey that I wish on no one.

reply

Post new comment

Drupal theme by Kiwi Themes.