Why does he prefer porn to having great sex with me?

Submitted by a reader on Sat, 08/05/2010 - 18:22

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I don't know where to start. I'm crazy about my boyfriend and he's crazy about me. Ending our relationship is something I don't want to do but I just can't handle his pornography addiction. What complicates things is that he is so good to me and we are so compatible but our sex life has suffered because of pornography.

If pornography had no affect on his interest in me than I wouldn't care about him watching it; however, I suspected that it was affecting our sex life together and confirmed that it did. He said that his sexual response is geared to the images that porn provides him with and that he can't be present when we're having sex -- naturally I felt this before he told me. When we first started dating I didn't notice any problems -- our sex life was pretty hot but later I found out from him that he wasn't watching porn during that time because he really wanted to stop before we met and when he met me I was initially a catalyst for him stopping -- that is for a while.

I must stress that I only want him to quit because his porn watching has robbed me of the kind of sexual relationship I want with my partner. It's been over six months of arguing about and there's been little change. He used to watch it at least 3 times a day, now its down to about 2 times a day a few times a week. For a while he told me he quit and believed him for a while but after a few months and still no improvement in our sex life I asked him if he was watching it again, he said no, but his computer revealed the truth. Now he tells me when I ask which I appreciate, I suppose its a step but I just feel like he's made no real effort to change. He hasn't done any reading or research on how to stop, he doesn't have any real plan... I just don't know what to do.

I'm so sick of not having the amazing sex life I want so badly. I'm a young, playful, sexual girl and I feel like my life lacks sexual fulfilment but I value the love I have with my boyfriend too much to throw it all away because we don't have the sex life I want. Also, I want to feel desired again. I started to forget what that is like.

I don't know what to do. I'm so angry all the time and I don't know how to help him when I'm this frustrated and hurt. I just feel like he doesn't want to even try to have great sex with me which is so insane to me because I'm very open. I want things to work out. Porn and a lack of a healthy sex life is our only problem and it's poisoning everything else in our relationship. What can I do to make this work? What do I need to do to help him?

Hi M

I think many girlfriends and wives will be able to relate to your situation. His interest in porn didn't have to be a big deal, but he just can't seem to find a balance. Sex life dries up, you're forced to play porn detective and he flips between guilty denials and confessionals. Now it's a huge issue, leaving you feeling cheated and angry.

Even guys with a tendency to watch too much porn find that things change when they enter a new relationship. All of a sudden, they feel validated; this novel intimacy and sexual high seems to meet all their needs. They feel detached from their old porn habit, at least for a while.

Anyone with experience of longer relationships knows the challenge of sustaining intimacy and eroticism in an ongoing partnership. It takes some consideration and effort from both partners to be sexual in the face of real life; stressful careers, family responsibilities, daily hassles and lousy weather.

But guys who struggle with porn are even less capable of sustaining sexual relationships than most of us. There are several reasons for this. Firstly, they have conditioned themselves to retreat from problems and head straight for the escapism of porn. Not a great start for facing up to relationship glitches.

Also, there are the unrealistic expectations that result from watching so much of the stuff. In the world of porn, intimacy and affection counts for nothing. When the novelty of a new partner begins to drift, porn is always there to serve up new faces and bodies. Partners feel neglected and unable to compete. As your boyfriend rightly describes, his sexual response has become geared to the stimulation of pornographic images.

And then the painful games begin; the secrecy, hiding, denial and lies. When she tries to raise the issue for discussion, he feels accused and more justified for watching porn on the side. So the problem snowballs, crashing into the very heart of the relationship.

Any good relationship guide will advise on rebuilding desire; relearning the playfulness of physical touch and anticipation, really being in the moment together. With sufficient motivation, the good news is that most couples can rediscover sexual desire. But for things to move forward, your boyfriend needs to be working together with you. And that means getting real about his porn addiction.

I often suggest making a constructive ultimatum. Make it clear that you appreciate the honesty he has shown so far, and that you understand some of the possible reasons why he might feel so supported by his habit. However, you are entitled to feel desired and enjoy a positive sex life, and things cannot continue as they are. He needs to be taking some of the steps you mentioned - reading a help book, talking to someone and showing real willingness to change. Without this, splitting begins to look like a painfully realistic option and neither of you want that.

Hello,

That's a very perplexing & sad story. I have to say its also very brave of you to so honestly share your problem with us here on this site. OK! Please can I share some initial thoughts & reactions with you, I think your boy friends problem is NOT about porn, YES! I know this sounds odd but please bear with me here. My theory is that anyone that uses porn or has a porn habit. That the porn use is only a symptom or sign of a deeper issue (problem) & that problem is deeper or more hidden. In your case it sounds like your partner has a problem with expressing his love for you & has a problem with intimacy.

Why? do I say this well if someone cannot be fully present in the moment when they involved in making love (sexual congress) it means they have split off a part of themselves, this is called disassociation. It means the person has gone off into a different alienated space. They would appear distant or unavailable emotionally or even cold. Healthy sex with a partner you really love brings the two people into a very deep state of intimacy, it is quite possibly the deepest state of directly knowing & feeling in contact with any other human being that its possible to have. This is also a pretty powerful experience, it is a sense of deep harmony & warmth & pleasure, this kind of sexual experience is what binds a good relationship together, sex is a kind of glue for a good relationship.

**Ironically, if your partner is more attached to porn than too a real flesh & blood sexually available woman that's dreadfully sad for him and even worse for you. The fact that your sex life has diminished greatly is heart braking too. I think your boy friend has massive issues around emotional dependency this is whats at the core of his problems along with intimacy issues. The porn habit is strong because he has a porn dependency rather than being able to be vulnerable to you his real girlfriend, rather than being able to be emotionally dependent upon you. He has a fear of being emotionally dependent on you, so its NOT about pornography really. The porn is a way to numb out his massive fears, these are very deep fears, fears he may or may not be aware of. He would benefit from some form of counseling or therapy or perhaps couple therapy?

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M, this could be my story--every single detail resonated with me. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

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Sometimes the very things which we indulge in, are the very things that are bad for us. Self indulgence is frequently totally irrational & ultimately proves to be unconscious behavior. There is always a price to be paid at some level for going against your own better judgment, our rational self say don't do it (what ever the particular "it" is, be it drink, drugs, porn, food, sex,etc) but our irrational self still goes right ahead and does it. We are driven more by our unconscious self than perhaps we actually realize.

Therefore the challenge is to try & catch sight of why we are behaving in this irrational driven way (loss of self control) and to try and wrestle some self control back again. To create a gap or a distance between self & porn habit, creating such a boundary allows you to begin to exercise some sense of choice over the situation & to not just be a helpless powerless victim of your unconscious pattern. But its not easy, in fact its a challenge make no mistake about that but it can be won with some perseverance.

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I'm with you on that one, my boyfriends porn habit that carried secret and lies, has definitely brought me to this point where I actually desire sex less. Because it angered me so much and made me feel less than the porn. I hate it so much, but everything that had happened with his porn habit or addiction or whatever, and I don't have the energy to explain everything that had happened, it has really put a damper on me and at times I feel so angry. I sometimes cry a little, which I don't tell him, because I get so frustrated that I have a hard time trusting him and that my sex drive with him has gone down. I can't go through work some days wondering and replaying the events that lead to this. I feel bad that I keep on reminding him of his deed but yet I find myself getting so frustrated. Anyway, I hope it all works out for you!

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Viewing porn, or having an obsessive porn habit (frequent need for porn) is only a symptom. Its only an indicator, a sign of a deeper underlying issue, or a number of unresolved issues.

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Porn is commonly used like a form of pain killer, it is used to create a state of numbness. The numbness is however only a temporary state and therefore the original or deeper distress soon rises back to the surface (back into conscious awareness) once the effect of having viewed the porn has worn off. This can be a number of hours through to several days depending upon a number of different factors.

**Trying to put using porn into a wider context (understanding), using porn is no better or worse than any other form of modern day habit. It is one of many social crutches that people of all ages, sex & backgrounds turn to in certain circumstances. Having a dependency on porn could even be seen as a kind of coping mechanism (I'm not saying this is good or back, I'm not making a moral judgment here). Porn is no better or worse than Alcohol, drugs of various types, food habits, gambling habits, compulsive spending or compulsive sex,etc,etc (its a long list).

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Lets put it another way, happy & contented and emotionally fulfilled people (adults) DON'T tend on the whole to have much use or reliance on porn. People who have loving partners, have a good level of intimacy in their lives, have satisfying sex lives, in other words get their fundamental or basic needs met don't seem to need porn. I could be wrong but I don't think so?

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Hello Amber ,
In response to your comments.

Firstly, the problem is firmly with your boyfriend NOT with you.

Secondly when someone has a porn habit (porn problem) its like throwing a large rock into a small pond or lake, the rock makes a large impact and the effects ripple outwards. Meaning that when someone has a porn problem it can & does affect ALL those around that person.

Thirdly, YOU are directly affected & hurt by your partners porn habit and in this regard you need some support & healing too. After all it is you he is hurting by his actions. Your hurting as far as I can see?

Fourthly, the problem with someone having a porn habit within the context of a relationship is that it clearly undermines the very foundations of that relationship. Doing porn is a pretty selfish & self indulgent act and it raises a whole host of questions about the nature of the relationship.

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Why does he prefer porn to having great sex with me?

ANS: Because he's in a state of denial that he has a problem. Its NOT your fault, its HIS PROBLEM not yours really. I know that's cold comfort perhaps but I believe this is the case though.

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Because he has intimacy issues. Having sex with somebody you love needs you to be vulnerable at some degree. Usually people that can't have a totally open and vulnerable relationship will be addicted to a fantasy world.
The result of not having sex with you is not his choice, its a result of watching porn and masterbating. Porn and masturbation is their source os sexual satisfaction.
I can talk about this all day, from my experience with my husband.
Nothing will ever change until you make him chose between you and porn. I wasted years being the nice understaing wife, until I got enough and I told him he had to chose. Finally he started reading about it, put filters on the computer etc. That's my advice to you. I'm sorry your going through this. It can get better if he really cares for your relation, if he chose porn, then your better off without him, believe me. I know this sounds crazy, and I don't know how long you been going through this, but you will go for a lot more years if you don't do something NOW. I've been there!!

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Hi Alex, well thank you for sharing your thoughts on the issue, and yes I am hurting because of it. Also, porn being a selfish and self-indulging subject is exactly what I thought as well. I always said to him and to other people I talked to for comfort, that porn can be healthy in a relationship yes, but when it's only at a minimum and it's shared openly between the two lovers. When it goes outside the relationship and it's taken to far by one side only, it can be very hurtful to your significant other. That's what I get out of this situation. I do believe that a porn problem can be and is a deeper issue, as the reason I believe that is because of what my man had expressed to me about his father in the past. But regardless, I just expected honesty, openness, and no secrets, and I got opposite. I hurt still also because of the trust issues I continue to have due to it. I am still finding ways to conquer the issue and I hope that I only succeed in the end and we can go back to the way we were before this issue.

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Hello Amber,

As I think I've said before on this site, another aspect of the problem when faced with a porn habit is that "we're" dealing with totally irrational feelings & irrational behavior. Sexually driven feelings i.e. libido or sexual energy are NOT rational, sexual energy is different from other kinds of responses. Our sexual responses are very primitive & have evolved over millions of years.

YES! It is a matter of trust in a relationship I think your spot on, and once again that's the problem with porn when used behind a partners back it utterly destroys that trusting. The trust in a relationship is another part of the very bed rock on which the relationship is founded and that's another part of the difficulty. Its tremendously painful when you cannot trust another person, especially if you felt able to in the past. My heart really does go out to you its such a hurtful thing & all the more painful when its an ongoing issue.

**Its one thing if like me you are single & live on your own. A porn habit is just my problem and its only me I'm beating up on (masochistic behavior). Its my problem & its my responsibility to sort it out. But when your in a relationship its a different dynamic a different ball game because their are x2 people & that's far more complex a situation obviously.

**I recommend that you discuss his porn problem with him rather than just going along pretending it doesn't exist. I also recommend bringing the trust issue out into the open with him, & also telling him just how much his behavior is hurting you.

**The other thing I can recommend is putting into place content filtering using something like the FREE service from OpenDNS. This allows you to set up filtering of web sites by selected categories including things like porn, adult themes, sexuality, nudity, bikini & underwear,drugs, violence,etc. (there are 30 categories you can choose from). The advantage of OpenDNS is it operates at the highest level of the internet so a user cannot get around it no matter how hard they try. Porn will be blocked if selected in the filtering options. This approach places a solid boundary around internet porn it walls it off if you like, it removes the temptation full stop.

**Other software (FREEWARE) that can provide a similar function & I can also highly recommend is K9 Web protection although aimed mainly at families its also extremely good for a partner that has a porn habit. But it would be best installed with agreement though.

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I've changed the password on my computer, so that does help. I don't deprive him of internet use, obviously there are things that he needs to do that requires using the internet, but I let him on when I'm around. He knows that if I let him when I'm not around then it eats away at me, because then I wonder if he will slip up and view again. So that is something that has helped me and us. I set some ground rules for computer use, changed my password, but I do let him have some time when he needs it for important things. I'm glad that so far he isn't making a big deal out of not having the privilege to just hop on the computer at any time of the day. I have talked with him many times, I have explained to him many times how I feel, my trust issues, etc. He seems to understand and realize the extent of what he did, and I'm happy for that. I hope that for everyone else, their spouse will truly realize what they are doing to them and stop their habit for good, because porn is not even worth hurting a real loving relationship. There is no love in porn.

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Porn is so impersonal, yet it somehow hurts us personally.

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He is not your kid!!!!
You can't keep him from computer use. You can't LET and not LET him use the computer. Why should we be the computer cop?!?! He will find other ways to look at porn if you hold the computer from him, if he is not the one to do the changes. My hubsnad was looking at porn from his blackberry, because he couldn't use the computers.Until I had enough and I said " you know what, F*** it, you do whatever you want, I'm tired of this"
Then he started really really doing something about it, reading, putting filters on the comp etc. You CAN'T keep him from doing anything.
Don't be his mother, be his partner!!! Put the ground rules and let him do the work. The problem is his, not yours.

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You know, that does make sense, if he is going to slip up and do it again he will find a way. It is on him, the problem is on the person that is doing it, not to sound like I'm attacking anyone. It really does depend on him to stay away from it and prevent himself from ever falling back into the habit again. I should just let him have use of the computer and see what happens. See how able he is to stay away from it. If not, then it is a big problem and we need to figure something out to help him stop. Thanks for your opinion, I'm going to try that.

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Hello Amber,

I have to say I completely agree with the point F makes. a) You CANNOT control another person no matter how much you may want to. b) Its your boy friend, husband or partner who has this problem c) Its 100% up to your partner, boy friend, husband to take responsibility for changing, for changing their behavior.

NOTE:- It's a fact that when a person has a porn habit they are also in denial. When you are in denial you cannot see how much your own behavior impacts on others close to you.

Denial of the porn problem is like being blind, or hearing a sound but not understanding that what your hearing is music, or hearing the words but not being able to make complete sense of the meaning being conveyed. In other words there is a kind of disconnect going on.

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I know excatly what your going through Amber, I was there myself for a long time, and I can't say that our issue is done with, cause sometimes somebody will do good for a period of time and go back to the old habbits.
Its very frustrating, I know. But you have to let him do this on his own. You just tell him how fed up you are and go on with your life, go out with your girlfriends, work out, take care of yourself. You can't worry about him watching porn everytime your not home. Tell him this is the last time your trying and let him find ways to solve his problem. Cause you see, you can't help him. What you can do is tell him that you love him, that you will try to be understanding with him as long as he is showing you that he is trying. Period.
My husband was in denial for years until I had enough and I said you know, this has to stop, I'm losing myself and no men is that worth it!!!!! And I was prepared to walk away, I really was. He has to know that your patience is running out. My husband had a very bad few days then but came back to me and told me that he understands he has a problem and that he was going to really try. I said fine, I will be understanding if you slip back a couple times, but I HAVE to see you really trying. That was 6 months ago, he has been doing great so far. I know its not over though. There is still a slight chance he will go back.
I don't mean to hijeack your post, I just wanted to tell you my story. I'm not saying that this is the only way it works, but what I'm trying to say is let him make his decisions and you worry about yourself more. He is not worth more than you, remember that!!!
I'm here for you!

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Thanks alot Alex and F I understand your points of view. It all makes sense and I realize I can't control him. I am glad I found this site because I can hear it from other people that have the same experience, and it really helps. I also finally got rid of that feeling of being stupid and foolish, because I know it's not just me.

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I have been in this situation for more than 20 years, I am now at the point that I am going to leave him. I have been hurting for way to long to stay. He has cheated me out of the intimacy that I crave so much, the closeness, the love. He has cheated me out of children ( I had to have a hysterectomy a few years ago), I have given up so much for his addiction, including my self esteem. I can not believe that any man would want me, after all, he has not wanted me for years. For years I have thought if I was thinner, if I had bigger boobs, if if if if...... All it has gotten me is sadness, low self esteem, more days and nights in tears than I can count.
I don't think I will ever be whole again. I don't think I will ever feel like I could be loved. I will always carry that doubt with me.
it is cheating when he no longer holds you, touches you, wants you, but can spend hours looking at and who know how much time finding new hiding places

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