I’ve always liked reading the Christian Nymphos blog – http://christiannymphos.org/ – Really blows that supposed dichotomy out of the water.

I totally agree that narcissism is a major root cause for many men who struggle with this. From a Christian perspective, this is called self-worship – http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2009/06/17/getting-to-the-root-of-lust-confessions-of-a-porn-addict/

I’ve also noticed that the women who are quick to label their husbands as narcissists are often those who aren’t seeking help for themselves. They’re stuck in a victim mentality and aren’t being proactive about their own healing. That’s not to say that we partners are to blame for the porn issue, but I think it is important to take a look at ourselves and notice the role we play in keeping the “dance” or the “emotional games” going. Often, participating in the emotional games serves as a way of “numbing out” in our own lives. In many cases, by telling ourselves that our partner can’t change, we’re giving ourselves the license to stay stuck as well, whether or not we decide to stay in the relationship.

**I don’t want to get into the porn obsession or porn compulsion verses porn addiction debate here but I would say that a person who has strong qualities of narcissism. That the narcissism comes (develops) prior to, or before, or is already present before the use of porn. The use of porn only exacerbates the narcissism NOT the other way around.

QTN:- I’ve heard a lot of partners of sex addicts say that they suspect their husbands are narcissists, in the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) sense of the word. I’m skeptical that this is the case in most situations. First of all, how does one know if a porn addict has a personality disorder in addition to the sex addiction or if the sex addiction is only causing NPD-like symptoms?

ANS:- YOU CANNOT know in reality because there are no hard & fast definitions regarding such things. For example we talk of NPD but in life there are only NDP traits or qualities there is no such thing as a pure NDP personality or type of person. There are only people who show (exhibit) such qualities to a greater or lesser degree. There is no such thing as a pure type of personality X or Y, much of language & talk in the psychological sense can actually appear rather confusing or highly mis-leading. (unless your a psychologist of course then its just technical jargon).

Jessica–I think it’s so easy to fall into that mother-son dynamic with a porn addict. Actually, with any addict–I know a lot of wives of alcoholics and drug addicts who have the same dynamics in their relationships. That dependency on porn bleeds over into a dependency on other people, which leads to codependency. The longer the problem went on, the more I became like a mother to my husband in an attempt to make sure our lives remained manageable–making sure bills were paid, the house stayed clean, not to mention policing his porn use and every little behavior related to his addiction. It was exhausting and, surprisingly, the more I did to keep our lives on track, the more of a mess everything became. I think that’s why it’s so important that we wives get help for ourselves, too. It’s very important that we separate ourselves from the addiction and realize that it’s not our problem to manage.

when ive confronted my husband over his porn addiction (magazines, movies,internet websites, you name it) i either get denial or humble honesty. on the days when he gets honest with me, hes admitted that he loves me and wants to stay with me, but i dont feel like his sexual partner anymore. when ive pressed him further to explain exactly what i do mean to him these days, he has said the mother word before. i believe that i have become his madonna.

something for me to think about then. i thought that trying to be more sexy like the girls in his movies might make a difference but i have already given up on that. now i think i see why.

Thanks – I thought you might have some views on this one

And I’m inclined to agree with you. Compulsive porn viewing certainly can instil a Madonna-whore-like outlook, regardless of any narcissistic traits. There’s a lot of overlap here with the ‘porn goggles’ experience reported by so many guys.

From my experience in working with guys struggling with porn, I might have observed some NPD tendencies that underlaid the attraction to porn for some individuals. But as you say, it’s difficult to pinpoint and I don’t have any firm conclusions on this.

I enjoyed Lisa E Scott’s writing though, and her forum looks like a useful resource.

For one, NPD seems pretty difficult for therapists to diagnose. Also, as Lisa points out here, narcissists are incapable of changing, BUT there are many porn/sex addicts who experience a lot of change with the right therapy and recovery. As for the Madonna-Whore complex being a classic symptom of narcissism, I’d argue that a steady, compulsive dose of porn would give anyone a Madonna-Whore complex, not just those with NPD.