Shock, shame and a broken heart
Pornography addiction is an acute source of misery, but of course it’s not just the addict who is dragged down into despair. The impact on wives and girlfriends (and yes, husbands and boyfriends in some cases) is immense, and too many relationships are left shattered in it’s wake.
For these victims, the pain actually begins long before the discovery that their beloved partner has a disturbing, secret habit. The telltale problem signs are there right from the start: the decline in intimacy and the partner’s preference for spending more time at the computer, even very late at night or early in the morning. The neglected partner worries over what might be wrong, and sooner or later, the painful truth is discovered.
Once that porn addiction bombshell drops, a multitude of emotions and fears result. Did I cause this? Am I not attractive or sexy any more? How can I compete with the models on the internet? Do all men do this? Do I really know my partner at all? Is this how he really views women?
The emotion of shock and disgust shifts to self-blame, which shifts to worthlessness and feeling completely unattractive and unwanted. Self-esteem takes a complete nose-dive. Being in love with this person makes all this so much harder to deal with. How do I handle this? If I make an issue out of it, will this end our relationship? Is it over already?
Let’s take the real-life account of Emma. Her boyfriend’s pornography consumption affected their sex lives, and then their relationship. The sex became impersonal and aggressive. Emma explains “There was no real intimacy, no thought about what I might like. That’s when I began to realise . . . “. Slowly the sex started to taper off altogether as the internet porn began to consume her boyfriend. “I would wake up and find him looking at it, I would go to bed at night and he would look at porn,” Emma says. “We would argue, he would look at porn. I would take the dog for a walk, and he would look at it. I would brush my teeth, he would use it.”
She blamed herself. He blamed her. She questioned, she cried, and finally, after a violent argument, she left.
So how can a partner face up to the other partner’s compulsive porn habit and retain a shred of hope that the relationship can be saved? It’s no easy feat, but the guiding principle has to be one of clinical detachment. The problem must be treated as an addiction, like any other substance abuse. This personal problem developed for a number of reasons; reasons that may be obvious or they may need to be discovered through support, counselling and abstinence from porn.
This is a huge challenge and it takes the committment of both partners. Emma’s boyfriend, having acknowledged his problem, has remained “abstinent” and life is “absolutely fantastic”, she says.
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I know how emotive and frustrating this whole issue is. It’s...
hey everyone. my name as you can see is jimbo. i am one of the bad guys. i have been addicted to pornography for 9 year. wow, i cant believe its been that long. i can honestly say that i have hurt the people around me, my friends, family, girlfriends, people that i havnt even met yet, but most of all i hurt my self.
when you look at porn you automatically feel ashamed. guilt wreeks off you like its no bodies business. ur self esteem goes down, and you are left with negative emotions that role around all day and sometime a little longer that that. if you face the pain the guilt slowly disappears after 2 to 3 days but the threat of falling again is always at the back of you mind. i dont look at porn that often anymore. i have cut my viewing to once a month (often, huh!) and i have gone longer. when you go without porn for awhile you are way happier, life is sweet, and the people around you are happy. after the 2-3 days you are left with the anxiety of hoping this happening again. imagin a lab mouse who gets an electric shock when it performs a certain action. this causes the mouse to refrain from commiting the action again. its the same message the human spirit is telling the body, “dont do this again or you will feel pain, depression, or guilt”. but after some time you get used to the shocks. they are still as painful but its worth the price of a broken spirit. now thats the sad part. i have been on the road to recovery for a year now.
i knew i was addicted say about 3 years ago. when i first started i thaught everyone was doing it and, “everymans got to feel the power between his legs” id say to my self. i was blind to to all the negative effect i was causing i just pushed them deeper into my unconscience mind. everyonce in awhile i would get really upset as the supressed negativity would come to the surface of the mind and i would commit certain actions that later i would later regret. i got angry with friends, relatives and as u read people that i didnt even know. once i got into a full upfront confrontation with my dad who i love and respect with everything i have inside of me. my dad has never done a thing to hurt another human being and yet i just went off on him. i broke the cycle after going to a meditation retreat ( i wont leave the retreats name here. u can contact me. ill leave my e-mail adress at the end of the reply) a year and a half ago. this has honestly been the best year of my life so far. through meditation i have cut deep rooted negativities at the depth of my unconscience mind and have managed to somewhat stay clean. i am not cured but i know this is the begining of the end.
i my hope for my self is to go with out pornography for one whole year. i cant even imagin how that would effect my life. my advice if you are a stong user is to seek help. i first need to get the log out of my own eye befor i try to get the splinter out of somebody elses. i hope my story will help those who do not understand the depth of this disease a bit of insight and to those who are struggling to continue to stay strong. seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you. i pray more awareness is brought to this subject, eventhough it is really touchy. dont get down on ur self; gandhi failed four times to become fully celibate. lol. thats got to say something
peace
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