My partner is nice, non-abusive and a great provider – so does that make his porn addiction OK?
My partner has a problem with hard core porn. He has been addicted since a young boy. He is very nice, non abusive and a great provider, so does that make it ok?
We have talked about it and made some headway a few years ago when we met, however here we are almost 3 years and now he has a Crackberry and viewing daily while at work.
There is such tension and now I know why, he is viewing it every moment he can while away from home. He makes excuses as to why we are not intimate, but all they are is excuses. I go along with it in hope he will work it out. Though lying about it makes it hard. One day he was at work and I found out he had been viewing porn all day. Well he met his deadline but not like he usually does.
He mostly views asian transsexuals, so of course I wonder if he is gay. Of course I do not know what he is viewing now and it doesn’t matter because he is not doing anything to make it better.
We are not married though commited to one another and I just don’t know how to address this in an adult manner anymore. He does not see how it is affecting our relationship and I do not know what to do. I have tried being quiet about it, bring up the subject and he just gives an answer to shut me up for the moment.
Help.
Thank you M for sharing your situation here.
The recognition that he’s been addicted since he was a young boy is an important one. There will have been reasons for this and I have some empathy for him. But above all, it proves that his habit is not a reaction to you or your relationship. He has always used the ritual of watching porn to manage his emotions at some level.
I would suggest that he fails to see the real impact on your relationship because he no longer views your relationship as you do. After three years of balancing the relationship with his daily habit through lies and excuses, he feels as if his habit has won. It has become a big game for him.
Sadly, this is a very common scenario. His habit has turned you into a companionship partner. He values you as a provider of security, maybe even a mother figure in his naughty little boy routine. But all the time, his obsession with porn is getting its own way. His habit has removed all the foundations of an intimate, loving relationship.
I am making no criticism of you for going along with it all this time. Many partners find themselves doing exactly the same, living in hope that something will change. But all the time that you do, you’ll continue getting the same.
For him, a wake up call is long overdue. Maybe this will happen when he faces the sack from work, or the embarrassment of disciplinary proceedings. Perhaps realising that you have no desire to be his convenience partner any longer will make some impact.
You can’t make him stop playing this game, but you can break out of it yourself. Try to make it clear to him that this is exactly how you see the situation and you’ve had enough. At the same time, I would suggest that you give serious thought to how you could move on from him. It’s horrible and heartbreaking, but this outcome would be preferable to three more years of quietly putting up.
I really hope this helps.
Hello,
Your story raises a central question that I myself have grappled with for a long time but have finally come to an answer on. I’ve tried not to take a moralistic stance on this too bye the way.
QUESTION: is it ever OK to use porn and is viewing & using porn acceptable even in small amounts?
ANSWER:- Sadly I have come to the opinion that there really is nothing good or beneficial about using porn. Using porn even in small amounts has a negative or corrosive effect.
QUESTION: Why, is using porn such a problem?
ANSWER: Because we know that at some level to create porn requires a degree of exploitation & a kind of degradation in the first place. The model becomes a sub human sexual object, its this objectification that is harmful & the user also degrades themselves in the process of using the porn as an end consumer.
QUESTION: Why is porn problematic?
ANSWER: Because people who need & use porn frequently are in denial that they use porn or have a porn habit. Are in denial that porn is something they are using to cover up deeper underlying issues. Porn is a way to numb out a pre-existing pain or problem.
PORN is only a symptom of something deeper, actually porn itself is not the real problem. Porn is only like using a pain killer to kill a headache. But when the effects of the porn wears off the problem or feelings come back. Its no different in that respect to booze, or illegal drugs, gambling or over eating.
**Sadly, the one thing porn does do is damage a persons ability to maintain (have) intimacy with themselves and also with another person. Having a porn habit if your alone & single is one thing but if you have a partner porn hurts other people too. Porn is like self flagellation but if you have a partner it’s also like hurting them too.
Nothing can make his porn addiction ok, but I know that I used to ask myself that question. It is part of the trap and makes you feel like the one who is being unreasonable.
To put it bluntly your boyfriend is taking the piss and you deserve so much better than this
“I would suggest that he fails to see the real impact on your relationship because he no longer views your relationship as you do. After three years of balancing the relationship with his daily habit through lies and excuses, he feels as if his habit has won. It has become a big game for him.
Sadly, this is a very common scenario. His habit has turned you into a companionship partner. He values you as a provider of security, maybe even a mother figure in his naughty little boy routine. But all the time, his obsession with porn is getting its own way. His habit has removed all the foundations of an intimate, loving relationship.”
Yes! Beautifully articulated, Jason.
I cannot find one single redeeming feature when it comes to porn or using porn. If you indulge in using porn its nothing but negatives, using porn is a loose loose situation. The only people that gain are the pornographers by burning a hole in your finances & by wasting your time.
Yet another thought for the day!
**Porn has a dramatically powerful pull because it subverts a natural physiological reaction. Our natural erotic desires, our actual sexual responses when in the presence of a loved one are miss placed by images reduced to objects. Its very hard to reduce a real live partner to just a two dimensional sex object? Or to put it another way porn pictures don’t answer back or fart at inappropriate moments.