My husband's sexual fantasy is out of control - LP's story

Submitted by a reader on Sun, 07/03/2010 - 17:16

a reader's picture

I found this site by Googling “my husband likes incest porn.”

My husband and I have been fairly happily married for seven years. However we barely have a sex life. My husband is certainly the submissive personality, and as I don’t take an interest in sex, and he doesn’t bring it up, it doesn’t happen. My husband has turned to porn for pretty much all his sexual relief.

I am not saying I’m ice cold to his needs. We do talk about it, and we say we will both try. But I am always the one who takes the lead in this relationship, and in this I would like it to be a mutual effort. Which is what I have told him. But instead he turns to porn, because it is so much easier.

Now to yesterday.

The motherboard of my computer blew up two weeks ago, and I have been using my husband’s computer. Yesterday I was posting something on Craigslist. I saved a photo from the internet in the photo directory it defaulted to, and then went to post it. There were a lot of files in the directory, and so I went to “view thumbnails” to find my image. And lo and behold, what did I discover but directory containing photos of myself when I was 14 or 15, penises, and my father. He had to really search to find these photos, and put them together.

I feel like this is the worst violation. I have to admit, I knew he had a bit of an interest in “incest porn”. We talked about fantasies went we were first dating, and it was one he mentioned. It never came up again, and I did not realize the extent. Or that his fantasy now involved myself and my father.

Now I feel I have to separate him from my parents, which is hard as we live within miles of each other and I am very close with my mother. Not only that, but we were planning to have children. I don’t see how it will be possible for me to trust him if we ever had a daughter.

I have always respected his privacy. I have never looked at his e-mails or his internet history. This was a total fluke. And yet, I’m not sure I can trust him now. Today I found myself wondering why he had a new yahoo username, and even went so far as to try and figure out the password.

We did talk at length last night about this. He said it is a fantasy he has had since he was a teen. I am fine with fantasy, but now it has taken a very real and disgusting turn. I don’t know if I can get over this.

We don’t have health insurance. Another problem we have is that he seems incapable of getting a decent job (he spent two years unemployed). I have always tried to be supportive, but this is too much. We can probably afford a maximum of two sessions with a psychiatrist. But will any of it help?

Thank you LP for sharing the issue here. With this insight into your husband's secret pasttime, I think you have shown remarkable patience and committment. It is positive that you have already been able to discuss the problem - many couples don't get that far.

Porn-inspired obsessions are indicative of deeper emotional insecurities. Compulsively searching, collecting, cut-and-pasting... it's likely that this is how he distracts himself from problem areas in his life. Perhaps he is dodging the bad feelings about his lack of career prospects, or inability to communicate his sexual desires. Of course, retreating into pornography only makes matters worse; it leads to selfish complacency and broken relationships.

Fantasies are fine, but things are clearly out of control. His activities are offensive to you, and suggest a distorted outlook towards your relationship and people close to you both. Putting together these images might be the extent of his behaviour, but you are right to be concerned about children and the longer term. This issue has to be addressed before you can feel secure in your relationship.

One way or another, your husband needs to learn new ways to manage his emotions. He needs to see the wider perspective, and fully realise the impact all this is having on you. Therapy and counselling are great places to start, but I agree that the cost can be prohibitive. If you are able to locate a therapist with expertise in porn addiction and obsessive behaviours, then just one or two sessions can be beneficial. There are also plenty of free resources online, and hopefully he will take the initiative to seek them out.

As you rightly say, this is too much for you to deal with alone. This is his opportunity to get real and make some positive changes.

I'm so sorry for your pain, LP. My husband is also addicted to porn, and I know how difficult and frustrating this type of thing is.

12-step groups like Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) are great resources for people struggling with porn addiction, especially those who can't afford therapy. (The meetings are free).

There are also 12-step groups, S-Anon and COSA, for the partners of porn/sex addicts. Those have helped me a lot, in addition to therapy.

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No.1 In my opinion sexual fantasies are very personal & very individual, & you cannot know what sexual fantasies another person has going on inside their mind / psyche. You can only guess at best really.

No.2 There is 100% NOTHING WRONG with any sexual fantasies provided they stay within the mind or psyche of that person, our sexual fantasies are a gift to be appreciated or enjoyed for what they are.

No.3 ALL forms of sexual fantasy point indirectly to personal private issues or themes within the self, these are usually unconscious themes or stories. Often unexpressed wish fulfillment's or desires.

No.4 The main problem or danger perhaps is when a person wants to act out or live out their sexual fantasies in real life. In order for that to happen a clear boundary has to be crossed between fantasy & reality, in my experience for most ordinary people trying to do this only results in disappointment because fantasy can never match or become real.

No.5 The acting out of inner sexual fantasies in couple relationships takes an enormous amount of love & trusting, in this context it could be seen or understood as a form of adult play. It is also something that can help keep a sexual relationship active & full of richness.

No.6 actually porn seems to actually have a dulling effect on sexual fantasy in my experience, or at best using porn only fueled a certain fantasy theme.

**I like & enjoy very much my rich sexual fantasies but they are mine & very personal & private and I have absolutely no desire to share them or act them out in real life.

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I agree with you Alex when you say that fantasies are personal and there is nothing wrong with them. BUT...to put pics of your wife and her father is pretty sick!! And it seems like this guy has crossed that line of just fantasy. There is something else fantasing about something and something else putting pics together. Cause think about it, when they have kids, those pics are going to be of him and his daughter. And I don't care if he never touches his daughter, if that was my husband and my daughter, he would be in HUGE trouble!!!

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Hang on a moment, I think we do need to be a bit careful here. a) You don't know whats "really going on" inside another persons mind and b) its extremely easy to make value judgment's without having all the full range of facts about this case / situation. I'm certainly not going to jump to a guilty verdict here I'm in no position to do anything of that kind.

NO! I'm not trying to excuse bad or highly inappropriate or clearly abusive behavior but lets not find this person guilty before they are tried as it were. It just that its very very easy to put 6 and 6 together and get 21 !!!?

From little I know & understand about the psychological nature of incestuous relationships these tend to happen when the normal family taboo's & normal inter-family boundaries get broken down. Its also a very very difficult & highly emotive subject area because it also crosses over in sexual abuse or abusiveness in various forms.

I'm in no position to make value judgments based on one story on this website.

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" It is also something that can help keep a sexual relationship active & full of richness"... That's true for fantasies that don't include any family members..yea let me sleep with my father so we can spice our sex life!! That's crazy!!!!
And what do you mean by cross the limit, this guy copied and pasted pictures of his wife and father in law. That's real!!! That's acting out on your fantasy!! One day he will copy and paste pics of his own daughter, and that's real!!!!

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Ok - I agree Alex, we don't know what really happened. But this woman is confused and I know exactly what she means when she says she doesn't know if they should have kids. Fantasy or not, incest fantasies are a little too delicate ( in my opinion) to not be talked over and dealt with.
What's that limit between just innocent fantasy and inappropriate actions though?? Where excatly is that line?
I know every situation is different, but when do we say that somebody is doing something wrong, when he has sexual activity with a minor or family member?!?! Isn't that too late?

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Hi Dee,

Of course I totally agree with your comments & the point you make, I wasn't suggesting that kind of scenario for a second. That was to misunderstand or misinterpret what I was trying to say. I meant exploring sexual fantasies within the context of what would be considered a normal healthy relationship. I wasn't suggesting the encouragement of or acceptance of incestuous behavior for a second, I'm sorry if you got that impression, Its NOT what I meant.

**its plain & simple that incestuous desires are strange to most of us, hard to comprehend, & they do definitely cross a boundary into something that would be thought of as abusive. And as such I would definitely never condone such behaviors.

**I can understand your concerns about this mans actions pointing strongly to his acting out, YES! those are worrying signs perhaps your right. Its hard for me to know because I don't know the situation, the context, the history etc,etc. Clearly you yourself are very concerned I can see & feel that much is true.

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That's rough. Very rough. He wants to see images of you with your father? That's troubling. I have had troubling fantasties before and shut them down. I don't judge troubling fantasies, we all have secret thoughts that shame us because we know that aren't appropriate. But to take the step and get pictures, and discuss it? Plus, you are having no sex in your marriage? I can only suggest two things: serious counseling for your husband until he understands exactly why he is so turned on by what clearly is stepping over the line. It is possible for people to recover, and no longer allow that thought to enter their mind. Who knows how long it will take? Dunno. The only think other than that I can suggest thinking about comes from Sex Advice Columnist Dan Savage: DTMFA. The odds are so stacked against you (maybe if you didn't want kids, but you want kids, right?, that maybe it's time to cut your losses and move on to someone who has a more common kink, like handcuffs or something.

Either way, I wish you and your husband well. This must be a very painful time.

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I don't think there is any men left in the world that is into simple stuff like handcuffs, anymore.

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