My husband's preference for teenage pornography is scary - L's story

Submitted by a reader on Thu, 11/02/2010 - 11:56

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Well me and my husband have been married for 6 months, together for around 3 years.

I'm very open sexually and our sex was always good, but not great. He never shared any fantasies, or most of the time would not even have an orgasm. I knew he watched porn and masturbated, which was fine. Then we move in together, sex gets more rare and distanced. I talked to him about it, he said he just wasn't in the mood. Then I found out that he just wasn't in the mood to have sex, but he was watching porn and masturbating when he went home for lunch and at night after I went to bed. We talked about it, he said he would stop.

Few months later I go home and he had forgotten the porn site up on the screen. I got so upset. He said he would stop again.

A week ago I had this feeling that he wasn't being totally honest with me so I go on his computer. I look at the web history, it was clean. I go and look at the internet temporary files and there were a lot of nude pictures of young girls. Some of them looked 15. I asked him about it. He said he has watched porn and masturbated again. I asked him about the young girls, he said he likes teen porn, that's all he watches. Among the teen pics I saw one of a little girl, around 8. He said he never watched that young, and that the temporary file was created from the pc somehow.

I'm trying to help him get over this but those young girls pics bother me a lot.

I'm afraid there is something he still is not telling me, after I've been suffering for almost a year and half about this porn and no sex thing. I'm scared and confused!! I don't know what to do.

Thank you L for sharing your concerns here. Of course, you are right to be bothered by all these lies, relationship games and potentially incriminating pornography on the home computer. There needs to be some real changes, for both your sakes.

Every time you catch him out, he holds his hands up and promises to stop. But for some reason, it just doesn't happen. Maybe he doesn't really want to quit, and would be content to play these games for another year and a half. Or perhaps the intention is genuine and he goes cold turkey for a while, but lacks the motivation to really face up to this destructive habit. For him, bottling it all up just seems to make things worse.

Either way, you need to start seeing evidence of change. His promises are simply not enough.

There's been a fair amount of discussion on this blog about the reasons why some men are drawn towards teen (or even younger) porn. Perhaps some event or learning from his childhood has influenced this tendency, or he only seems to get a buzz from exploring 'forbidden' territory. His reticence to enjoy real sex and intimacy is wrapped up in all of this too.

I can pretty much guarantee that whatever his issue, it's not a reaction to you or your relationship. He will have learned this compulsive behaviour long before you arrived in his life. And there's a limit to how much you can do for him. He needs to learn new ways to manage his emotions and sexuality. There's a lot more to this than just stopping.

For your husband, making an appointment with a counsellor or therapist would be a good start. He will continue to benefit from your support and understanding. But if your relationship is to recover, taking deliberate action is his responsibility now.

Hello L,

I read your story and I can totally understand how hurt you must feel & how confusing it is to be in this situation. I think what matters most is how his porn habits are having a deeply corrosive effect on your relationship. Its undermining the glue of trust & openness on which a good relationship is built i.e. the foundations of the relationship. Clearly his behavior IS hurting you and that's what matters here.

OK! I want to say a couple of things about this story, having an interest in teen porn or pre-pubescent images i.e. school girls is almost a male cliche. The school girl fantasy is a very very common one (I'm NOT saying that makes it OK though), it seems to plug men into a psychological archetype i.e. the nymph, the maid , the pure virginal girl these archetypes have an enormous almost magnetic attraction for most heterosexual males. However, sexual day dream or sexual fantasy is just that fantasy and there is 100% nothing wrong with our fantasies. Its only if the boundary between fantasy & reality is lost and a man actually wishes to act out or live out such fantasies that one needs to worry. However, most people do know the difference (can clearly make the distinction) between their own fantasies and what is real or reality.

Secondly, not only are there internal boundaries between inner fantasy & reality but in real life most men are NOT actually aroused by pre-pubescent girls i.e. girls who have not yet become fully sexually active beings. I've actually seen such images and I was incredibly surprised by my own reactions to them that I didn't find them at all of interest sexually speaking.

**The chances of him actually acting out his sexual fantasies of school girls is highly unlikely. If he was confronted by a real school girl he would quickly see the reality juxtaposed against his fantasy and he would see how silly his fantasies were (are)!?. We all have sexual fantasies and we need to keep them in context, our fantasies are ours to keep & to enjoy only when someone wants to act out there inner fantasies in an inappropriate way should we be more concerned. Only when someone "cannot make that distinction" between inner fantasy & outer reality should we be concerned.

**Just because someone has porn fueled fantasies doesn't mean they ARE going to act out those fantasies. To me what matters most here in this story is how his porn habit is destroying the ability to have a loving intimacy and a loving sex life. Intimacy is the biggest casualty when a partner has an ongoing porn habit. A good happy relationship is built on the bed rock of love, intimacy & trust, a happy sex life bonds all those things together in my opinion. Porn undermines the glue that binds a relationship together.

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A happy person doesn't need to use porn, the converse is true. Unhappy people use porn for the purpose of escapism, to numb out a preexisting pain or problem. Porn is highly paradoxical its used as a form of pain killer, temporary means to avoid the feelings whatever they are but porn also adds additional pain on top too. That's what I mean by being paradoxical use porn to kill a pain but the porn adds further pain. The person who gets hurt most by a porn habit is the person using the porn.

**Porn, the PROBLEM is ALL HIS, its his responsibility.He needs to deal with it, it sounds like he is still in a state of denial. denial that he has a problem and that his behavior hurts you L.

**Having a porn problem is like throwing a large rock into a pond the shock waves ripple outwards and can have an unforeseen effects on all the people that know that person.

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Thank you so much for your comments. This is a very delicate situation and I can't talk to any of my friends about this.
We have been going to a couple therapist for about 6 months.She is telling me that masturbation and porn is perfectly normal for men. Which I always thought it was. She keeps saying that I have to work on my self esteem cause it seems like he doesn't have an addition because he is not one of those men that masturbates 5 times a day. I am so frustrated with that too. Yes, he doesn't not masturbate 5 times a day, but he masturbates every day and have sex with me once a week. To me it doesn't matter how many times he msaturbates, what matters is him chosing masturbation before having sex with his wife, after he knows how that makes me feel, saying he would stop and not stopping.
I am at the point now that I am scared to leave him alone at home. Maybe I'm overreacing, but that's how I feel. He had also googled naked picture of teens from his phone, at work!!!.when I asked him about it, he said its perfectly normal that men do that. To me its crazy to go to men's room at work and look for teen pictures from your phone!!!!

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Hi L,

hmm your therapist is closer to the details than me... but that does sound like a questionable criteria for addiction. As you say, this isn't really about how many times a day your husband masturbates. It's more about the lack of intimacy and regard for your feelings.

The vast majority of people masturbate, of course. But it is not perfectly normal for people to become obsessed with porn, trade in sex with their partners for porn, or download images of under age girls.

When a guy's interest in porn doesn't distract him from the relationship, his partner might be over-reacting due to her own self-esteem or confidence issues. In that scenario, the couple may be well advised to seek a compromise. But I'm not sure this applies to you.

Jason

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Hello L,

No.1 You MUST trust YOUR FEELINGS here thats what matters most.

No.2 Frankly, your therapist is talking utter rubbish its NOT normal for men to use & view porn every day even at work. What you have described is a man who has a porn habit, an obsession or a compulsion with porn. Some people talk of a porn as an addiction but I disagree with this label because its not a helpful label in my view. Anyway, he has a repeating chronic pattern with pornography and one way I understand this is no matter what you or I call this behavior the end result is the same he has a Porn Dependency. I think this is the most accurate terminology to describe this type of behavior. Sadly in a happy relationship the dependency is normally mutual to a large degree, each person gets their emotional & intimacy needs met bye their partner. The problem with porn is that the balance of dependency is shifted sideways if you will. Meaning when a partner has a serious intense porn habit the emotional intimacy needs are being falsely met by porn and not by the partner so to that partner it not only feels like a betrayal, it actually is a betrayal, & it causes tremendous hurt & it can feel like a real loss (especially when a partner who was once so close has become distant & unavailable). The problem is that when someone has such a deeply rooted problem and they are in strong denial that there is a problem here thats a very difficult position to be put in. He has to change for things to really shift here. You must be feeling such hurt & sadness I don't know what more I can say except my heart goes out to you across digital space. YES! all you can do is carry on trying to love yourself but thats hard I can see given this situation.

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I am very frustred with our therapist too. I brought this issue up 6 months ago in our meetings. When I first discovered that he was masturbating instead of having sex, my husband was going through depression. I thought his lack of sex drive was because of his deprssion. When I brought this up to the therapist she explained it that depression will drive people towards masturbation, taking away from intimacy with the partner. I have read a lot about depression, porn and masturbation. I will not take my therapist explanation to this that " masturbation is easier than having sex" so that's why he choses it before sex.
And I will not take her advice of "finding other ways to satisfy myself" I will not accept that. This is not about sex, this is about a 28 year old, pretty woman wanting to feel wanted from her husband, and wanting to have a close intimate relationship with her husband.
I am in search of new therapist. This is making me more frustrated than helping us.

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Hi L,

First of all, I'd like to say from experience that it's very, very important to find the right therapist. Many therapists aren't trained to treat porn addiction and have absolutely no understanding of it. Early on in addressing this, my husband and I went to a sex therapist who said the same thing your therapist did and basically told me that I was prudish and judgemental and made the whole thing seem like my problem. Fortunately, I trusted myself and knew that that wasn't the case in our situation. It wasn't until we found a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) that the real issues really started being addressed.

Secondly, I can relate to your feelings about teen porn. No matter how prevalent such a fantasy might be among men, it's disrespectful and unacceptable for one's husband to be masturbating to images of others in lieu of a sexual relationship with his wife. I think teen porn especially hits a nerve with partners of porn addicts because 1) No matter how young or young-looking we partners may be, it feeds into insecurities over aging. I remember thinking, "What happens when I'm older and gravity takes over? Do I really want to grow old with someone who's turned on primarily by teenagers? How will I ever feel secure with this person?" 2) It creates other worries about the future, namely what happens if we have a daughter with the porn addict. Will he cross boundaries with her or her friends when she's a teen?

No one deserves to feel undervalued and constantly on edge in a relationship, and those are exactly the feelings that a relationship with a porn addict breeds.

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Thank you for saying it like it is!! Exactly! So how the hell do we feel comfortable in a relationship like that? Every day even basic interactions with others remind us. Like if there is a young girl in a room his attention will be on her and we will know exactly what he is thinking and it burns us up inside and destroys our confidence. It just feels like a waste of time and that there are men out there that would fully appreciate a grown woman for what she has to offer in every way. I sense its a deep kind of immaturity on their part. Its true that it has nothing to do with us or our attractiveness or self worth but it still bothers me a lot.

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Dear L

Reading all of this I think if you do have any selfesteem problems then is it because of your husband and his porn addiction.

If that is so then working on self esteem would be good but is it going to cure the deeper problem? No and I cant believe that the therapist would even think that. You are right to find someone else

- Martina

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I also wanted to say that it hit a nerve with my personal history. My father was someone who seemed to lust after teenagers, and often made comments to me that made me uncomfortable and that felt very inappropriate. He'd also make comments about my friends. Even today, my looks are, strangely, very important to him.

That said, I think we partners often have histories that match up with the porn addict's. Therfore, it's important to seek help for ourselves and try to understand why we've gravitated toward a relationship with someone who has these issues.

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I read a lot about how most people can separate fantasy from real world. I agree! But a few days ago we were in the car, he was driving. There were these two girls walking on the street, around 16-17. Now I am not saying that people should not look, cause we all do when we see something pretty. With the pictures I found on the comp, I wanted to see his reaction to these two girls walking by, he stared at them for more than 5 seconds. It made me sick to my stomach. I never paid attention before to what he looks and what doesn't, cause I am very open and understanding. I have to strip clubs with him before, I have suggested a lot of things to spice up our relationship. I have asked to watch porn together before I knew his problem and he has told me that he is not into porn!?!?!? Lies, lies, lies

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Dear L,

I can tell you from direct experience as a trained counselor & therapist myself that there is depression and depression. Depression can be a very crippling condition and YES! it can have dreadful impact on a persons life & relationships and it can also depress a person libido or sex drive too. However, many people who get depression have zero connection to the use of pornography, in fact many people who are seriously depressed wouldn't even be at all interested in porn they would be far far to down to use it.

However, I have to tell you that people who have a strong porn habit (porn dependency) often also get depressed and this form of depression is directly attributable to their use of porn. The porn & depression are intertwined here, the person uses the porn as a numb out, as a form of escapism, its like self medication almost but the end result is that it almost inevitably leads to a state of depression.

**Its sounds like the porn use, the porn dependency, the denial & the depression are all linked and its felt by you as a withdrawal of intimacy, a withdrawal for a previously loving sex life, yes! it has made you feel undermined in yourself. Especially in your self esteem and self confidence. I agree with a previous commentator that whilst working on your self esteem is very important its not going to fix his porn problem.

**I agree with Margaux you definitely need a therapist who fully understands this emotional and psychological & sexual territory. Why so? because as a therapist I can only help heal in others (clients) that which I have healed first in myself. Why? because otherwise you wont know intimately the territory that your client is trying to deal with. A therapist might be professional, well trained & well intentioned but can still be unable to help and this is why special knowledge is needed. Its quite a complex area & thus you need someone to is tuned to this work.

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i'm also going through the same thing as L,although I'm not married yet.
i moved to Hamburg from London to be with my boyfriend.his addiction has gotten out of control!! is there any possibility u could send him a message persuading him to get help?

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I have just read through this discussion and could do with some advice. I believe my partner of 8 years, and father to my 3 daughters is addicted to porn. We don't have much sex at all and i put this down to the pressures of a young family, however in a ten day period he had spent over 10 hours viewing internet porn. i do not have a spare ten minutes to myself. The content of the porn was particularly disturbing, quite aggreesive and 100% teenage girls. i confronted him, he blamed me for not being attractive enough anymore (out of anger i believe - trust me i'm still attractive to a lot of people), and i kicked him out. At first i was sickened, he's approaching 50 and has daughters, i cannot put into words how sick i felt. I first found out about his habit during my first pregnancy when he refused to have sex 'not to hurt the baby'. When all is said and done though he is still their father and I'm thinking i may have to put up with it so that i can keep him where i can monitor him. I can't tell you how this has destroyed me and our family.

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Last night we had a talk. He told me that he hasn't watched porn or masturbated since the last time I found the pictures, which was two weeks ago. I told him that I am proud of him, but we still need to work on this, cause he has gone a month without it and went back to it, before.
He told me that he feels extremely bad for hurting me and everything I have gone through. He also told me that he feels so bad that he has thought about suicide a few times.He has been depressed before but never talked about suicide. I felt very bad. I'm afraid he is going to do something.

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Hi L,

I certainly agree with Alex's comments about compulsive porn use and depression. Your husband may be experiencing the vicious circle effect - feeling down, using porn to (very) temporarily escape from the bad feelings, feeling even worse about himself and the whole thing repeats. Then there's guilt over what this is doing to you, plus the anxiety of feeling totally out of control. All of this can spiral into some very bleak thinking.

So this is all the more reason to seek another therapist and, as Alex suggested, someone who has expertise in compulsive behaviour and depression. That would be the best course of action at this stage.

Jason

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Hi L

I understand that this is a sensitive subject and that it is hard to leave someone that has slowly eroded your self-esteem, leaving you to think how could I possibly be or function on my own?

The truth is you can. You are a strong, valuable, powerful and beautiful woman. You need to take a stand.

The truth is he is a liar and you are being lied too. Not only a husband that chooses porn over sex with his wife is a n issue, but the possibility of child pornography, you ought to be worried. Please do not think for a second that the picture/video of an 8 year old girl was downloaded to your PC by mistake.

I understand that when you are in love it is easy to believe what you want to hear and reject the information you want to hear. But please please with the prospect of having children in the relationship this is a no go! As a parent it would terrify me to know that my husband was finding children of that age sexually stimulating als owith this kind of obsession, he may not act out his fantasies in public but what if it were in the privacy of his own home.

Despite this, you deserve so so much better. Be appreciated, be loved, be made to feel special and proud of who you are. Find your strength and leave. Men do not change.

G

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