My fiance is addicted to porn - BH's story

Submitted by a reader on Tue, 26/05/2009 - 16:03

a reader's picture

Hi. This is in reference to my fiance. He is extremely addicted to porn.

He has a Sony PSP (Playstation Portable) and he has tons of (anal) porn pictures on there. I asked him why? He says its because I won't give him the satisfaction of letting him have anal sex with me. Still, that's not an excuse to be addicted to porn.

I believe, that if he's in love with me like he says, he should only be focused on me in every way (physically, mentally, emotionally). Yes, I do feel extremely bad about his addiction. But he wont stop. See, to access the Internet with a PSP, you have to be in a Wi-Fi hotspot. And every time he gets in a Wi-Fi hotspot he doesn't do anything but go to porn, and download nasty porn pictures.

What should I do?? He refuses to change. And we're talking about marriage maybe next year. I've told him that he's going to change. But not really as opposed to whether or not I'm going to marry him.

Thank you BH for airing your dilemma here. I would agree that this really does need to be addressed before you get married.

Unfortunately, some guys do obsess over porn to this extent; they so desperately wish to emulate the things they see in porn with their wives or girlfriends. They feel entitled to 'porn sex' in their own relationship. And when their porn rituals are challenged or questioned, some guys will attempt to blame their partners in this way. It becomes a particularly creepy form of emotional blackmail.

With mutual consent and respect, couples should be able to enjoy whatever sexual acts and diversions they please. But when he tries to force the boundaries of consent, porn is often the reason. And when he's blatantly playing the porn addiction game, it's obvious where his motivations are coming from. You should not be expected to tolerate or compromise on this. As you say, porn is simply no excuse.

He needs to be fully aware that your relationship plans do not include living with a porn addict. If he continues to deny the issue and refuses to address it, you may be better off out of this.

Hello,

That's a very moving story and it make me feel very very sad. Why? because he obviously does have a porn obsession but is not able or willing to admit his behavior is unhealthy. He cannot see he has a problem & he cannot see just how obviously upsetting & hurtful this is for you. that's yet another form of denial too.

**I don't really know why but the porn industry is fixated on anal sex and anal pornographic images?

**I suspect that if a partner likes or enjoys anal sex & is willing & feels OK about taking part in that form of sexual then that's OK. But I suspect that anal sex is potentially quite painful in reality for the receiver (passive person) & for this reason many people do not want to take part in that form of sexual activity.

**If you were to agree to take part in this & let him have anal sex with you, then that would only be too collude with his porn obsession and that only prolongs the problem. Keeps him from seeing the nature of the problem and it prolongs the state of denial.

**His use of pornography is a cover up for some other deeper issue or past painful experience which has not been solved or resolved (faced up to).

**If you are using porn then you are NOT loving yourself, & if you are NOT loving yourself then how can you open your heart to give love to someone else. I would go as far as too say its just not possible and unless this particular porn obsession is resolved then its not a good basis for a long term successful or happy relationship.

**Porn could be being used as a defence for facing up to the reality of having a real female partner. It could be perhaps the avoidance of love & intimacy? I don't know but its possible.

Alex

reply

These are all great insights, Alex--thanks for sharing. I have a question based on the last thing you wrote: "Porn could be being used as a defence for facing up to the reality of having a real female partner. It could be perhaps the avoidance of love & intimacy?"

Why would someone try to avoid love and intimacy?

reply

I agree that married couples should be able to enjoy whatever sexual acts they mutually consent to, but when a man is trying to push personal sexual boundaries because of what he sees in pornography, this is intolerable.

I just got done putting together a podcast interview with a couple that had all sorts of problems stemming from porn. The husband eventually got wrapped up in cyber affairs and adultery. Porn was creating a thirst in him for a type of "forbidden" sexuality he did not enjoy with his wife.

http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2009/05/26/podcast-restoring-a-marriage...

I'll be posting the other parts to the interview this week.

reply

Hello Margaux,

QTN: Why would someone try to avoid love and intimacy?

ANS:- Good question but there are a large number of potential answers to this & many root causes. Such as if a person was abused or neglected as a child i.e. unresolved & unconscious childhood issues.

Such a person may well fear love & intimacy because they were so badly rejected by one or both parents in their early years. People who were neglected or rejected or abandoned, or who had an absent parent (emotionally absent that is) tended to create deep defenses against such painful experiences. These defenses are what literally helped them survive such awful traumatic situations. Sadly, these inner defenses whilst protected them in the past can get fixed & create a stuck-ness that operates in the present.

This becomes a kind of shielding or armoring which is really no longer appropriate for a grown up person. So the defenses of a 4 year old get stuck inside a 40year old. The problem is that such defenses blocked & defended past events but are now no longer wanted and prevent the person receiving feelings like love in the here and now of today (because to be loved would remind that person of having NOT been loved in the past, & that past is so incredibly painful it would feel like being burned to receive love now, if that makes sense!!). Because such past events remain unresolved (unhealed) within that persons psyche. And the human unconscious does not recognize time in any way, so events that happened 3 decades ago can come back as real as if they had just happened.

Fear of love and fear of intimacy are realistic possibilities for many many people given their past histories and depending upon the kind of childhood or family environment they grew up within.

Kind Regards Alex.

reply

Post new comment

Drupal theme by Kiwi Themes.