Is he just a step away from an affair? - RM's story

I discovered my husband looking at porn when I was pregnant with my 3rd child.

It was at first on my home PC then I checked his work computer and the history showed he was online constantly looking at porn.  He has always lied when confronted.  We had not been very intimate during the pregnancy which was unusual since we had a very healthy sex life in the past.  He said he was tired or stressed.  I told him how hurt and insecure this makes me (especially during and after pregnancy).  He still continued to look at porn and hide it.

It has been three years and I just had another child and he still lies.  I believe he is masturbating as well and I am just sick inside.  I am hurt as to why I am not a good enough reason to stop.  I am very willing to have an intimate relationship.  I am the one who always initiates and I am not ugly.  I am thin and attractive.

My friends say he is just a step away from an affair.  My fear is that this may have already happened or will as well.  I am tired of snooping to see if he is keeping his promise.  I try not to care but this can't continue.  This is destroying my self esteem and I am only 30 years old.  He denies a problem and denies the masturbation.

I am ready to end my marriage of almost ten years over this.  I can't keep feeling this way!  Help!

Why does he need to do this thing? Why am I not enough? All the wives and girlfriends who read these pages will have asked themselves these painful questions.

In most cases, his porn habit will be long-standing and deeply-rooted. Looking at porn gives him some element of routine, security, soothing, reassurance or sense of control. To someone who hasn't experienced a compulsive appetite for porn, I know how odd this sounds. Porn is his coping mechanism? In essence, yes.

This doesn't justify his behaviour, but it does help emphasise that you are not the cause of his habit. It's not a reaction to you, your attractiveness or sexual appeal. Typically, porn addiction is motivated by something totally unrelated to sex. We can't guess what underlies your husband's cravings; he has mentioned stress and that may indeed be a factor.

Is he just a step away from an affair? Some men try to defend their use of porn by claiming that it releases their tensions and helps hold relationships together. Some regard porn viewing as completely removed from real-world cheating. And for others, porn is a precursor to affairs and seeking to act out the thrills they witness on screen.

So it's difficult to predict just how your husband may be reacting to porn. But what we do know is that this issue is causing you immense hurt, and destroying the intimacy of your marriage. He's playing games of secrecy and denial, provoking you into playing 'porn cop'. Such games are tiresome and intolerable in any relationship.

To echo the recent words of sex and intimacy expert Dr Sandra R Scantling:

Whether or not we formally categorize a set of behaviors as "addictive" — when obsessive thinking or compulsive actions interfere with intimacy or cause distress to either party, it's time to get some help.

This begins with him accepting the issue and acknowledging that some changes need to be made. There are plenty of recovery options available (all discussed further on this site), and I wish you both every success.