I'm scared to confront him about his porn habit - CW's story

Submitted by a reader on Thu, 20/08/2009 - 21:17

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A couple of weeks ago, I saw my husband looking at a porn image on his computer (albeit you might say a 'reasonable' image). He doesn't know I saw him as I was so shocked I didn't know what to do.

I ended up thinking that maybe it's nothing to worry about and that the internet has made porn so accessible - and that the image itself was not distasteful. But since then I've noticed he's often closing a screen or there appears to be a window of emails that's just whizzing into the bin, so I've grown in suspicion that it's more than just looking.

I am now obsessed with the thought and anytime he's been out I've looked at his computer for signs of where he's going to get these images/have the emails that may or may not exist. I hate myself for doing it but I can't help but think he's hiding from me and that makes me worry about the reasons he is hiding in the first place.

Our sex life hasn't been great - well it's good but I know nowhere near enough for him. I'm scared to confront him as I fear I may discover a whole other life exists and that our seemingly ok marriage is in fact something he's planning on exiting. Does anyone else have experience of this or thoughts on what to do? Does anyone have experience of being in the position my husband clearly finds himself in - what were you missing that drove you to cyber porn?

I'm sure that many of the wives and partners reading this blog can relate to the distress that you are going through. And yes, the reactions that you have noticed in your husband are a tell-tale sign that he might be distracted by some form of cybersex, and it's making him jumpy too.

As doubt and fear escalates, many readers will also have found themselves turning to themselves for blame. It's instinctive for parters to react by asking themselves what they are doing wrong, or how the relationship might be driving him to seek his satisfaction elsewhere. The desperation to find some reason behind his actions can become a painfully futile obsession. It can't be ignored and it's so difficult to confront, leaving you feeling alone and locked into these emotions.

To take a step back, we cannot know the extent of your husband's online activities, or the reasons behind them. This can only be established by opening communication, which I'll come to in a moment. From my experience of working with guys and their partners impacted by porn habit, it is highly unlikely that he is using porn as a reaction to you or your relationship. Emotional and sexual distance can certainly be a consequence of a problem porn habit; it usually works that way around.

If he has developed a compulsive attachment to porn or cybersex, it could be motivated by insecure feelings of stress, low self-esteem, helplessness... you name it.The factors can be various, unpredictable and sometimes run deep. Also, it is unlikely to indicate that he's about to call time on your relationship.

So this does need to be discussed between you both. You are entitled to raise the subject, explaining the 'closing windows' reaction that you have noticed, and the fears that it has provoked. Let him know exactly how upsetting this is for you. Try to avoid challenging or confronting him;as matter-of-factly as possible, just lay it out for discussion. He might try to play it down and will no doubt feel very awkward, but this difficult step is essential for moving forward.

Hopefully you can take some confidence from the fact that you are not the cause of this issue, and I really do recommend reading the other posts and comments on this site.

Hello,

I have to completely agree with Jason's comments. I do think you need to broach the subject with him because the more it is sweep it under the carpet so too speak the worse it will get, it's NOT going to go away I'm afraid!!. It will only end up being the massive elephant in the room that's not being acknowledged. In other words the sooner you try to deal with this the better (the earlier its broached the sooner it can start to be healed). I also agree with Jason, if you can try to avoid blaming, or direct emotionally charged confrontations.

**You MUST NOT blame yourself for his porn habit.

**The porn problem is totally his & his alone. He is responsible not yours.

**When someone has a porn problem its a bit like throwing a big rock into a pond, the waves ripple out and affect other people close to that person.

**His use of porn may not be anything to do with you or your relationship directly. People use porn as a form of pain killer, a way to numb out deeper problems. Porn is just a good anesthetic but it wont solve the root causes of his deeper problem.

**You are fully entitled to feel upset, hurt, or angry or distrustful. Anxious or suspicious,etc. Porn does tend to create an emotional distance between people that's a very common symptom. i.e. the lack of intimacy or loss of intimacy.

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from my own experience, i'd just like to add something.

when i had the conversation, my boyfriend denied everything (so how did all those pictures get on the pc then?) and accused me of spying on him. it made me feel like the guilty party in all of this, as if it was my problem.

after trying to talk about it some more, i had to make it clear that this was a dealbreaker. then he admitted that he had been downloading from porn sites to avoid looking for work. he said it felt like a porn addiction and even cried about it. i have never, ever seen him like that.

i hope that you don't have such a stressful problem as i did, but at least it shows that you can get the message into him. good luck

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Hello Sarah Jane & CW,

Oh! BUT the very nature of using online porn is that the default position when confronted is definitely going to be denial. Why? because porn use carries an enormous amount of personal guilt & shame with it, so it makes it very very difficult to come out & admit your viewing such material. No! I'm not making excuses or excusing the behavior involved here.

**Secondly, using online porn when your stuck at home for days (weeks or even months) unemployed & facing the worst economic employment conditions in a decade. Carries with it dreadful loss of self esteem & self confidence many men feel terrible about themselves when faced with this situation. Using porn is just one method of trying to cope, its NOT a very good one I have to say but never the less it is very understandable under these conditions. I know from personal experience how easy it is to numb out on porn if your feel bad about yourself, sadly the porn only makes matters worse it doesn't really solve anything as such.

**Internet Porn is just a form of pain killer, porn is a good anesthetic, its a way to numb out when you feel bad about things or cannot face the feelings associated with a deeper personal problem.

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Hi CW, as the wife of a porn addict, I'd strongly encourage you to talk to your husband right away. I second Jason's advice to be gentle but diplomatic. Meaning don't scream, judge or shame, but also be very firm about the fact that this behavior is making you uncomfortable and that you're not okay with having it in your home. If he's not addicted to it, he'll be able to easily stop. If it is a compulsion, he'll probably tell you he'll stop (or truly try to stop for a short time) and then start back up again. If he does that, then both of you will need to take the next step and seek some sort of recovery.

Sending positive thoughts your way. This is difficult stuff, and I'm sorry you find yourself in this tough situation.

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Thanks for sharing your story, CW.

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