I can handle my boyfriend watching porn, but playing at being gay? EB's story

My boyfriend and I have just hit the one year mark. And I have just discovered the depths of his addiction to porn and masturbation.

We've lived together on and off (due to work and travel schedules) for six months. While I was away last month, he divulged that, after a few weeks apart, he had become seriously depressed; he was spending hours of each day in front of porn, masturbating up to three times per day. He wasn't getting his work done, and he wanted us to be together so that he could have a 'normal' sex life. As this discussion went on, I learned that he considers himself addicted to porn, an addiction that was much worse before we were together, and that subsides (?) when we're together.

I was sympathetic too, and open-minded about all of this-- I offered to be helpful in any way possible, and asked to see some of what he watches, just so I know what goes on. The only surprise was the frequency of his need to masturbate: we have sex a couple of times per week, but certainly not daily. I passed it off as a different issue, nothing to be concerned about. So what's the problem?

When I got home this week I used his computer one day while he was away (I asked before I used it). I quickly-- and without trying-- discovered the long list of google searches and sites he visits. In addition to heterosexual porn sites, these include porn casting calls, gay porn modelling agencies, "gay daddy" sites, etc. On his desktop there were also two photos of him, naked and erect, wearing a leather belt, face blocked out.

To make a long, emotion-filled story short: in addition to his addiction to hetero porn, my boyfriend chats online with "older gay men" to stimulate himself. He sends them photos of himself, and he sometimes goes so far as to make dates to get together with them. He hasn't actually gone through with the dates for a few years, ever since a bad experience in which he felt blackmailed. He says that the encounters were "soft"-- no penetration, but everything else. The modelling and casting calls are part of his fantasies-- he doesn't go through with them. He also says that he does this because he wants to feel desired, that he isn't bisexual, and that this is something he wants to stop. He also does this when I'm home, it turns out.

I feel awful. I can accept watching and looking at porn-- heterosexual, homosexual, any kind-- but participating in these chats and making up this alter ego, playing at being gay (as I see it), flirting with the idea (and, at one time, reality) of actual encounters, seems fundamentally different to me. I feel inadequate and naive, and I do not understand multi-sexual interests and fantasies. How is all of this part of a person I love? I don't understand how these activities can coexist with our life together-- most of all our sex life together-- and our plans to get married and have kids. I don't want to insist that he stop or impose rules-- it would turn it back into a secret-- but I also don't know if I can understand or live with this. My boyfriend and I at a standstill in the conversation. For now, I'm left feeling horrible and cheated on and like I'm living with someone who I don't know after all. I would like to know how others respond to my opinion that I/we are facing two different addictions, and two different behaviours... and a little pat on the shoulder would be much appreciated too.

Hi EB,

He's fortunate to have such an understanding and open-minded girlfriend. As you describe, there's a clear difference between him viewing porn as an occasional masturbation aid, and using it in a compulsive way that is massively offensive to you and your relationship.

In many way, his activities are typical of a guy who has built up 'porn tolerance'. To try to maintain the buzz of fantasy and escapism, he needs to be pushing his boundaries. Passively watching hetero porn soon becomes vanilla.

What is he craving to escape from? Subconsciously, he may be using porn and hookup sites to manage insecurities and bad feelings. Depression certainly can be a factor. For many guys, losing themselves in porn is a fallback option that can always be relied upon and has always delivered, right from their early teens. Masturbation to porn reinforces the behaviour, and the internet provides an endless stream.

Your boyfriend's inclination towards gay modelling and admiration by other men might suggest a narcissistic fantasy and craving for 'forbidden' attention. We all have a natural need for attention and connection with others, but narcissism can push it way out into dangerous risk taking and self-destructive activities. I'm jumping to conclusions here, of course, but this also frequently accompanies depression.

These are some of the potential underlying factors that are best explored through counselling. Things could be broken down into multiple 'addictions' or behaviour patterns, and worked on accordingly. He would need to recognise how problematic things have become and be fully motivated to work on change.

The honesty between you both is very positive - many couples don't get this far in dialogue. Your account suggests that he might have a tendency to play the 'look what happens without you' game. If so, that's something to watch out for. It's probably not a deliberate attempt at blame shifting on his part - many guys genuinely justify their habits to themselves in this way - but it can result in partners getting dragged into emotional responsibility.

So how to take things forward? I'd recommend that you both build on the current understanding by setting out what private activities you would normally both be comfortable with, and him seeking help to address the rest. In many ways it's a mutual agreement on boundaries, and a relationship counsellor could help guide you both on this. Above all, he needs to completely comprehend just how bad all of this is for you, and the very real threat to your relationship.

Looking ahead to marriage and a family, it is essential that this issue is addressed. You deserve to feel confident and be able to trust him intimately. Right now, all of this is at a horribly painful low. But with his real motivation to change and your empathy and support, you both have every chance of succeeding long-term.