Husband's porn habit - a case for compromise?
A common scenario: wife discovers husband's avid porn habit. All those nights working late at the computer, his waning interest in enjoying sex with her... the pattern becomes clear. Wife feels cheated, unwanted and undervalued. Husband denies and retreats even further. Despite arguments and anguish, he just won't stop. The relationship hangs in the balance.
It's a disorientating experience for any wife or girlfriend. Painful emotions are riding high. Sex is such an integral part of intimate relationships, and this issue rocks the very foundations. Salvaging any objective perspective or hope can feel almost impossible.
To what extent does a husband's viewing of internet porn equate to neglect and disrespect? How bad is this - is he a relentless porn addict? How much has this exacerbated her idealogical stance towards porn, or emotional pain brought forward from previous relationships? Such emotional fog obscures any chance of both partners seeking a pragmatic way forward together.
In this feministing.com article, sex educator Professor Foxy offers some straight-talking advice to a woman facing this predicament:
1. Ideological issues - this may be the hardest to get past. The majority of mainstream porn portrays women in hideous, demeaning ways. Would it be better if you watched porn that was put out by women or shows women in strong roles? What about the work of Nina Hartley or Belladonna? What about porn by partners Shar Rednour and Jackie Strano?
2. Obsession - Some people are alcoholics, some people have a drink once in awhile. It sounds like your ex had an addiction and your husband has an occasional experience. Should the two of you have a conversation in which you agree upon what occasional watching means? Twice a week? Once a week? Once a month? Once it is agreed, you have to trust. I doubt you will ever understand, but I am not sure you need to understand. You just need to make this situation as positive as possible.
3. Your self-esteem - this one comes down to you. Your husband cannot rebuild it, only you can. He has chosen you, you have chosen him. He sees other beautiful women every day, you see other beautiful women. You still want each other. You are still worth having.
In some ways, this is a surprising stance. It draws a line between intolerable, porn-addicted neglect and tolerable, occasional porn entertainment. When the latter applies, Professor Foxy advises couples to discuss the issue, and seek realistic compromise rather than a perfect solution.
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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4 comments
To me, it really comes down
To me, it really comes down to what each individual will tolerate in a relationship. Before I met my porn-addict husband, I really didn't have an opinion on porn--it had been a non-issue in all my other relationships, so I had never had to really contemplate it. When I first realized he was looking at porn, I also didn't really freak out because I thought it was something he only did from time to time. However, when I saw how his life completely revolved around porn and how it came to destroy our marriage (we're separated now, and he refuses to enter recovery), I began to see porn in a whole new light. If my marriage ends, I don't think I could be with someone who even looks at porn occasionally--it would just be too triggering to the hurt I've experienced in this relationship.
It's none of my business how other people handle their relationships. I can't define whether porn (if it's viewed) creates dysfunction in someone else's partnership. There's no "universal truth" that can be applied (though this woman and many other people who write about porn seem to think so by saying "porn is okay in this situation," "porn is not okay in this other situation"). The only "universal truth" I believe in is that if one partner is doing something that hurts the other, then the offended partner's feelings should be taken into consideration and a resolution should be reached (stop looking at the porn, agree to only look at it together, or end the relationship).
When it comes to porn addiction, this just doesn't apply. The addict might be completely sincere in his promises to stop, but then that nagging compulsion comes back and all those vows go out the window. A compromise or a resolution cannot be reached without the addict getting serious about help. Also, it's usually not about whether the wife thinks porn is okay or not okay. It's about the relationship the addict has with porn and how that relationship takes precendence over any human relationship, especially the most important one: his marriage.
[...] agreement on
[...] agreement on ‘acceptable’ porn viewing. It’s rarely an ideal solution, but such a practical compromise can be beneficial. As a couple contemplating marriage, this may provide a basis for further therapy and discussion [...]
Any addiction is going to
Any addiction is going to have its challenges, its the addiction itself that needs addressing, not necessecarily the porn facet.
I'm 33, married, good looking
I'm 33, married, good looking and addicted to porn. I always treated porn and masturbation as natural human compulsions. I never felt any guilt as a result of either. 10 years ago or so, my wife made a big deal of it as it bothered her to catch me having a wank in front of the telly or computer in the middle of the night. I threw it back at her and blamed her for not fulfilling me sexually and then just hid it from her better. I was young and too stupid to face up to the reality of what I was doing. I carried on as before. She got over it. 6 months ago I had an epiphany when I realised how much time and energy is consumed by my porn habit. All my unfinished projects are a result of me using any spare time to jerk off over porn. I've caused my beautiful wife all sorts of depression and feelings of inadequacy. I wank so much, I hardly have energy to satisfy her. So now I'm a statistic. Just another git who wasted years developing an addiction that I haven't found the will-power to get over. What a waste.
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