How much porn is too much?

by Jason on 15 August 2009

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When does his porn habit become a cause for concern? How much porn is normal? Sex columnist Amber Madison tackles these questions over at bettyconfidential.com, and her views make for interesting reading.

She highlights the distinction between becoming addicted to porn (still very unlikely) and feeling dependent on porn for sexual stimulation (considerably more likely). Guys who experience this problem are advised to get some help.

And on the subject of too much porn, Amber puts it like this:

Your guy should prefer having sex with you to watching pornography. If he rarely wants to have sex with you because he masturbates so much, that's a problem. If he's compulsively watching pornography on a daily basis, and making excuses so that he can be alone with his videos, he's watching too much pornography. A good rule of thumb here is that porn is a problem if it's interfering with your sex life or your relationship.

For anyone concerned about their husband or boyfriend's appetite for porn, this refreshingly frank article is a recommended read.

18 comments

Hello,

Well in my personal opinion there really is no such thing as a quote "safe" or "normal", or "acceptable" level of use when it comes to porn. The need to use pornography in the first place is probably not OK but is more likely a symptom of deeper. A problem, usually a problem that hasn't been faced up to or solved.

A problem with difficult feelings attached to it. Perhaps a problem that the porn user doesn't even perceive as a problem at all (unaware of that deeper problem). If your highly sensitive & easily seduced by explicit online adult material my advise is to try to avoid it as much as possible. Even so called soft-core porn can lead to more difficult habit forming porn indulgences. Online porn can be so habit forming it can become porn dependency, porn dependency can replace other more enriching human relationship based interactions. Porn tends to leave the user yet more isolated & more alone, & more lonely thus using porn regularly can only lead to an even greater sense of inner emptiness & despair. It is the perfect way paradoxically to avoid solving or healing the deeper issues.

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The problem I have with articles like these--and they're becoming ubiquitous--is that they tend to moralize in the other direction. They tell women how to feel about the pornography and they also make a value judgement about porn viewing in general. "It's okay for your man to look at porn." And when the overall cultural attitude is like this, then women feel bad about not being okay with porn ("I must just be insecure") and men who really do have a problem feel weird about addressing it ("All guys look at porn, why am I feeling out of control?") To me, it should be up to each and every individual to decide how they feel about porn, and each and every couple to determine what place, if any, porn has in their relationship. When journalists make blanket statements like this--and I would guess it's journalists who have never experienced the deeply painful reality of porn addiction--they're stomping all over very private territory.

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To add a little more: Despite my own experiences with porn addiction or compulsion or dependence or whatever, I really can't say whether porn is "good" or "bad." I know that in the context of my marriage, it caused a lot of destruction, but I can't say whether it doesn't work for other people. Weirdly, before dealing with my husband's porn problem, I didn't have strong feelings about porn either way. His porn use didn't bother me until I began to realize how compulsive it was and how it seemed to take away a lot from our relationship.

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Hello Margaux,

I really understand what your saying about this piece of journalism & I would have to agree with ALL the points you make above in your reply. Anything that "normalizes porn use" as acceptable is highly questionable. Speaking personally I have to say there is no safe or acceptable level of using porn.

Looking back, for me the problem was that nobody had ever told me , or pointed out to me that somethings in this life are not what they appear to be at first glance, especially on a moral level. Its all to easy to become selfish, & rather self indulgent without realizing it especially if your a single guy living on your own without anyone else around to say to you. Do you think all that time viewing porn is OK?? or something like know perhaps using porn isn't such a good idea after all have you ever stopped to consider that?

**Porn can not only damage your relationships (i.e. marriage) with your partner. It can have a very negative effect on your real sex life.

**Porn can also damage your relationship with yourself too, & damage your libido too.

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Hi Alex, Margaux

You raise some very valid points here.

In terms of 'acceptable' porn use, I probably take a different stance. There are things I don't like about porn and the industry behind it, but I don't take issue with people consuming it if they choose to do so. Just like alcohol and cheeseburgers and online games, I feel that the majority of consumers can handle it.

With all these things, there is an inherent risk of consuming to excess and running into some real problems. I'd agree that compulsive use of internet porn can be exceptionally damaging on many levels, and the stigma and societal awkwardness that currently surrounds the issue doesn't help matters.

So there is a need for enlightened discussion and education about porn. And there is a balance to be struck between pious moralizing and 'porn is cool' hipness. I do accept that 24yr old Amber Madison's writing probably errs towards the latter, but I still agree with the essence of her article.

"Even if your guys' porn-watching habit isn't directly affecting your relationship, if it bothers you, you should talk with him about it" may be interpreted as glib, but I think the message is a healthy one. It really is up to every individual to decide and determine what their own position is on porn, and couples need to be able to openly discuss any incompatibilities on this front.

I sometimes reflect on my own early experiences of porn, and the onset of a confusing and guilt-ridden relationship with the stuff. Back then, if someone had explained to me the realities and risks, I think it would have been beneficial.

If I'd understood that it was OK to be open about the appeal of porn, I would have had a lot more context to work with. My own obsessional conflict might just have been pre-empted - who knows. Of course, I grew up pre-internet and before anyone could comprehend the potential scale of this problem.

But we now possess sufficient insight and are able to voice our own views. I hope that media treatment like this article, and our ensuing discussion, makes my wish for timely education about porn much more than an idealistic notion.

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Jason--I couldn't agree more. We're on the same page. I think there's a danger in the "porn is bad" stance, as well as the "porn is hip, and if you think otherwise you're a prude" stance. I agree that there should be public discussion about the fact that porn use can get out of control, but I think it really is up to each person and each couple to decide what place porn has in one's life and relationships. It's very much like alcohol--some people can handle it and stop at a couple drinks, but for others, it gets out of control--and you (or your partner) know when the relationship with alcohol has gone beyond the norm.

I know that in my own experience, it was my inability to grasp the paradox that kept me from speaking up. I felt caught between two dogmas--the "hip" left wing and the "porn is evil" right wing. I didn't think porn was evil, but I knew there was something that bothered me about the way my husband was using it.

I think, being a journalist myself, that if I were to write such an article, I'd focus completely on paying attention to one's feelings. If you're not okay with your partner's porn use, value those feelings and be vocal about them. If you're a porn user and you're feeling out of control and shameful in your porn use, seek help from a professional. That's not to say that every case where one feels bad about their own or someone else's porn use means there's porn addiction/compulsion involved, but those feelings are certainly pointing to something that needs to examined more closely.

But really, to me, the "porn is hip" stance that Ms. Madison takes in this article can be just as damaging as the fundamental Christian "porn is bad" stance. It encourages black-and-white thinking where there are so many shades of grey.

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Hi Jason & Margaux,

Have you ever come across anyone whom is happy and feels 100% totally OK with their porn use? I'm not taking a moral stance here merely asking the question. Why? because to me it seems like a contradiction if you use porn then the end result (outcome) is not happiness, is not positive feelings.

**YES! I have to say I am highly sensitive to porn & I definitely know now that I cannot handle porn at any level. I have to avoid porn as much as possible as it has a devastatingly bad effect on me, I just don't want it in my life any more.

**YES! I agree with both of you & the comments you've made. Having a rational debate about porn is definitely made much harder because of the moral positions (emotive positions) people sometimes take. If think the media is often complicit in sensationalizing the subject in order to sell papers for example rather than exposing the truth or arguments for or against. Obviously some publishers are complicit in creating soft porn themselves I'm thinking of page 3 of the sun newspaper here in the UK. Such things like page 3 only add to the confusion I think.

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Hi

I didnt have a problem with porn either until I uncovered my husband's secret addiction and all the lies he had been spinning. Before I met him, actually used to enjoy erotic stories myself and some people might call that porn too.

The troubles with my husband went on for years and sent me into depression. Now I hate porn and the idea that so many men are disrespecting women through it. So reading that relationship advice article makes me angry first and then sad. Angry because I wnat to say "don't tell me that I have to get right with his porn, and show him kindness and understanding".

Then I feel sad because the younger me would have agreed with the more liberal view that porn isnt bad and couples can enjoy it together. My emotional experience has changed me in a way that I didnt want. Hope this makes some sense.

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OMG, I never realised there were people out there who feel exactly the same way that I do. I didn't really give porn a thought, and didn't have a problem with it until I realised that my partner watched it secretly. He uses an incognito browser as to not have any history of it on his pc. I think the thing that really bothers me is that he wont be open about it. Even after talking about it at depth, he still refuses to leave his browsing history alone so that I can at least understand what he is watching and how often it happens. He says it will only upset me!!!

I just don't know how to feel about it. I hate the industry and find it demoralizing to women. On the other hand maybe it's better to have him watching it when he wants, rather than be in a situation where I feel pressured to have sex more often. I have to say that it also worries me that it will lead to dissatisfaction in our relationship. He gets ideas from it and there are many things that I don't feel comfortable doing. I'm worried that porn will make him bored with me.

He has done so many things that I feel really unhappy about before we were together, and I feel like porn is the link between now and then. My feelings have just been building up and up. I have been so depressed and feel hopeless. I have been to see 2 different councellors but it has left me feeling like there is no solution. I would leave him if I thought that there were actually guys out there who didn't watch porn, but I keep hearing that all guys do it. How can I force myself to feel ok with something that so deeply upsets me? I still want to find/have a life partner, but I don't want to have this deep-seated depression that I feel will follow me when continually faced with the same problems. This is making me crazy. Sometimes I fantasize about becoming a porn star or prostitute just to numb myself to it all, and at other times I think of suicide as the only escape.

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Hi,

I definitely feel that there is a distinction to be drawn between what is erotic (inc stories & literature) and what is pornographic or explicit. The erotic by its nature is far more arousing actually in my opinion than the purely pornographic (but that's a personal opinion of course), the erotic is some how different I cannot necessarily put my finger on what that is but perhaps its because its more suggestive and reveals less or leaves more to the imagination. I feel the erotic is closer to our actual human sexuality than porn is. Porn on the other hand is disconnected from our sexual reality, it exists only in the realm of pure fantasy & of acting.

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"Have you ever come across anyone whom is happy and feels 100% totally OK with their porn use? I’m not taking a moral stance here merely asking the question. Why? because to me it seems like a contradiction if you use porn then the end result (outcome) is not happiness, is not positive feelings."

Alex, truthfully, if I had to take a guess about the function of porn in the majority of people's individual lives and relationships, I'd have to say that I'd suspect that porn does cause some sort of problem--even if an addiction/complusion isn't present. But the reason I take the "it's up to each person/couple" stance is because in order for me to confidently say "porn is bad," I'd have to psychoanalyze all those people and couples who are adamant that porn is a positive force in their lives. Because porn is such a private thing, something done behind closed doors, that would be incredibly difficult to do as an outsider--there's no way I could get an accurate view of their sex lives.

That's why I prefer to say that all I know is that I don't want it in any relationship I'm in, and leave other people to make their own decisions. I also find that when I'm vocal about my own decision without making blanket statements about the inherent "good" or "bad" nature of porn, it seems to cause others to think much more about the role of porn in their own lives in our culture than if I were to make a "universal" statement about porn.

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One more thing, Alex, based on this statement you made:

"Having a rational debate about porn is definitely made much harder because of the moral positions (emotive positions) people sometimes take. If think the media is often complicit in sensationalizing the subject in order to sell papers for example rather than exposing the truth or arguments for or against."

I think in our culture, we tend to think in very black-and-white terms. We tend to see any moral issue as "this or that," as having only two sides, and we feel pressure to choose one or the other. However, it's my belief that this perspective grossly oversimplifies things and keeps people from acknowledging the complexity of most situations and from taking the time to think and work it out for themselves. If this experience with my husband's porn addiction has taught me anything, it's taught me to look for the shades of grey. What caused a lot of my inner turmoil when I first realized porn was a problem was that I regarded myself as a hip, open-minded woman who was having the thoughts of a conservative prude. I couldn't understand why I was thinking porn was "bad" in my relationship when I identified with the stance that porn is "good" in the culture. I felt like a hypocrite.

But as I began to take the time to sort through my feelings and values, I was able to come up with my own personal philosophy about porn and, as a result, I've transferred that method of sorting through dilemmas to other parts of my life. So, in a weird way, my husband's porn problem has also been a gift.

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Hi Margaux,

I really understand how you were feeling. Those emotions that you have described make up a part of what I feel too. I was wondering if you could share your personal philosophy about porn. How did you come to a place that you have accepted it and feel comfortable with it. I hate feeling the way I do, but I don't have any strategies on how to get past this and move on.

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Hi Again Margaux,

You made your points very clearly and I cannot find any fault with anything you've said. I wouldn't disagree with your points. YES! life is full of shades of grey, or confusing paradoxes.

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"Have you ever come across anyone whom is happy and feels 100% totally OK with their porn use?"

That's a good question!

In my work, it goes without saying that I have contact with a lot of people who are very unhappy about their relationship with porn. For one reason or another, porn-centred routines hold too much significance in their lives. As Alex says, they have reached a point where they need to disconnect from porn on a permanent basis and gain the freedom to address the underlying issues.

But I also meet people who enjoy porn without any apparent hangups. The conversation sometimes arises at social events, just after the customary 'so what kind of work do you do?' exchange. No doubt these people still have their emotional foibles and insecurities and coping mechanisms, but they aren't wrapped around porn. And if porn isn't getting them down, they don't need a lecture from me ;)

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Hi Jason,

Ah!! But isn't that the central point, how many people DON'T have any personal hang ups of any kind? ( I've yet to meet someone who truly doesn't have some hang up or other) And isn't it more the case that porn IS being used to escape from personal problems or disconnect from the harsh glare of reality. Isn't porn a problem precisely because we used porn and wrap it around our insecurities & problems? Precisely, porn itself becomes the coping mechanism of choice? because its so easily available just like cheap booze or fags. Isn't that what this entire website is centered around.

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Jason said:- and I quote In my work, it goes without saying that I have contact with a lot of people who are very unhappy about their relationship with porn.

That's my point!! lots of people whom are very unhappy about their relationship with porn. Meaning porn use overall doesn't appear to add much to the sum of human happiness does it?

**I've yet to come across "anyone" who says something like. I love doing porn it enriches my life & relationships and I'm very happy using porn on a regular basis? I have absolutely no regrets about my use of porn,etc.

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I love this intellectual commentating :) Especially about a subject such as this one.

I'm pretty sure I'm a porn addict...and I definitely am not cool with it. Kinda.

As I've never really been in a serious relationship (I'm kinda old), I realize that one reason has been my relationship with porn. Initially, it was the magazines (older brother had a major collection), then in college, it slipped on into videos; post-college, the DVDs came into play, and then, now, the internet is no joke.

I think the worst thing about the internet is that even while you're looking, you're also being led. I don't know if you guys have seen The Chappelle Show episode (Ron Jeremy stars in this particular segment) where The Internet is acted out. Characters/images/etc. jump out from all angles at weird times and it's straight madness.

I've even thought about getting some help, but then I ask myself, "What if I'm told I have to burn all my DVDs (probably wouldn't be so bad, considering the internet has completely become my vice) or--WOW--delete all of my vids/pics?" I'm not sure I could do it. I mean, I realize that if I were to go out to get help, then I'm telling myself I don't want to get back into this rhythm and, thus, I wouldn't need the stimulators, right? But, the thought of deleting all I've worked to acquire is something that is just so intimidating (not sure that's the right word--maybe overwhelming is a better one).

A couple of months back, I had an incident where I was unable to get it up for intercourse. I was even having problems with the oral, but then I thought about my habit and what I was used to, so I asked her to move to the floor at the edge of the bed and give me oral like that. So, what I ended up doing--and what eventually worked--was to recreate me sitting at the computer as I masturbated to the images on the screen. I mean, this girl was so thick and fine that I was so disappointed in myself for not being able to handle the situation (intercourse part). Another interesting thing was I was able to better get turned on by watching her in the mirror as she moved...as if I were watching a screen. Not cool.

I still feel hopeful that I will get outta this rut and become someone I can be more happy with.

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