How can I help myself, and my porn addicted partner? J's story

Submitted by a reader on Sat, 06/02/2010 - 12:09

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Hi, when I first saw this site I was amazed that all the things he was doing and all the things I had been feeling, were almost exactly what everyone else was saying. I wrote to you almost 2 years ago. I can truly say nothing has changed, except that I understand that porn addiction is real and I know what damage it can cause to the addicted and to the SO.

I have tried everything in the book and some things out of the book. Although my understanding of what an addiction is is clear and I do try my hardest not to be degrading or insulting just because I'm hurt and angry. I have said things I'm not proud of. The whole time dealing with this I have kept in mind that trying to talk to him and give him the respect he deserves is very important. I do realize that is part of the problem, he doesn't respect himself and he does have low self-esteem. That doesn't always make it not hurt or make me feel any better about myself.

I feel like I need to try to describe who he is before I ask the questions. He is 44, he has been married twice, once when he was very young, it only lasted a couple of years, and from some of the things I've heard from family, porn was an issue. He got married again about 6 years ago, they were only married for about 18 months and I know for certain porn is what broke them up. I read her dear john letter.

Of course, I didn't know any of this before I became involved with him, I found out a little at a time. I was 50 when we met, I had been married for 20 years and raised 3 children. My marriage ended because my ex was verbally and emotionally abusive. I'm sure that played a role in why I would get involved with J. I'm not certain how but it just makes sense. That is one of the reasons it is important for me to get the whole picture, because at this point I can't see us staying together much longer.

Unfortunately, I hurt my back in May 09 and I'm getting ready to go in for back surgery. I don't have a lot of options at this time. I need to figure this out for me so I don't make the same mistake again. Right now it just makes sense, for both of us, for me to stay but only for convenience. Which makes me very sad, because I do really care about him. I also think that he cares about me, as much as he can right now.

When we met I was feeling pretty good about myself, I had been single for a while, and I felt like I was ready for a serious relationship. But whatever self-esteem I had built up is long gone and its getting worse. I didn't know anything about porn addiction, I think I had heard it on TV once or twice. At that time my exact thoughts were, "that's a lame excuse for cheating on your partner". That's how ignorant about the subject I was. So when I started to figure things out, like how much time he was spending on it and how little time he was spending with me, and the little or no sex thing really threw me.

My thoughts were if he likes sex so much then why are we not doing it more? Is it me? Am I not attractive to him any more, am I not young enough? And if that were all true, what did he find attractive about me in the beginning, or if this is what he wanted why bring me into the picture. I think part of why this is so hard for him to talk about or even admit to, is because he lives in a world where a man is a man and they don't have problems they can't resolve.

He works in the construction industry and every one he knows is macho. He is a big guy with a long beard and long hair and rides his big harley, and could never admit to having an addiction like this. I know none of his friends know anything about this.

I know this is very long, but I needed you to kind of know a little bit about him so you can maybe give me some advice about where to go from here. We have fought it out, and I'm sure our fights sound like everyone else. He says it wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't so insecure, like I tell him there would have to be security in the first place for me to feel insecure.

That was in the beginning now he is just completely dishonest about it. Says he isn't doing it and says someone else writes the messages to the other women on his dating sites. Of course, I tell him that him and I both know who is on those sites, and could he just be honest about it so that we can talk. Well, he is not giving an inch. I think its to the point that he has lied about it so long, that if he confesses now, lets just say he isn't going to confess. If he was going to, the fights and the hurt and the pain he has caused would have already made him.

He also grew up with a dad, that no matter what he did, it wasn't good enough. He felt like he had to be perfect to get his dad's approval. I feel like that's where we are at know, if he confesses, then he will have to admit he's not perfect.

So the big question is, what can I do for both of us to help since I have to be here for a couple more months anyway? I hate what this addiction has done to me, but at the same time I hate to think about him having to live like this. He is clearly unhappy and tormented by this. I was just wondering if you have any advice on how I can do some recovery of my own and help him in the meantime.

I hope this makes sense to you. I do thank you for giving me a place where I don't feel like I'm completely insane.

For people in relationships, an important recovery step is learning to understand your partner's experience. You have taken the initiative to find out more about porn addiction, and patiently pieced together the clues and indicators around his behaviour. Hopefully, this has helped you move right along from all those confidence-crushing early doubts that partners turn upon themselves. Fully realising that his problem is not about you is essential for your own recovery.

I'd agree with all the contributing factors that you have highlighted: self-esteem issues, refusal to acknowledge a problem he can't 'solve' or fully control, the macho-ladies-man image, craving for approval. Without his participation and honesty, you've uncovered as much as you possibly can.

Another recovery step is building communication. You've tried hard to get him talking, but he's dug himself into a hole of denial. As you rightly say, arguing and persecution doesn't work; it plays right into his game. So it feels like another painful brick wall.

The next step is turning your anger into forgiveness. Your understanding and empathy (hating to think of him being so unhappy and tormented) has moved you towards forgiveness, but there's little to hang it on. The dishonesty and being taken for granted continues. He has done nothing to earn any further forgiveness or trust.

Like so many wives and girlfriends, you've had to progress your own recovery. You have my respect for hanging in there for so long. When so much of the work is down to him and he continues to deny any accountability, your recovery plan inevitably becomes your exit route. It's sad and painful, but ultimately best for you.

For the remaining time that you are together, you can be resolute and clear about your feelings and plans. Even if it seems to fall on deaf ears, try to make it clear that you are for real. Yet another of his relationships is hanging desperately in the balance, and he has your support if he wants to face up to the reality.

Maybe he'll finally take some notice, or maybe it's a lost cause. Maybe he needs to hit a lonely rock bottom. Harsh as it may sound, this really is the best you can do for this man that you still care for. If he does wake up, all the steps above need to be revisited with his full participation, and some couple therapy may be of benefit too.

But for your own recovery, don't lose sight of the realities and the priority of your own future. Nobody deserves to spend years locked into dishonest games with a porn addict. I wish you the very best in finding freedom.

Hello J,

I read your story carefully & with sadness, and I really feel for you, its very very hard being a partner to someone who has such an obsession with porn and with dating sites. And as you have said its obvious that he remains in deep denial that there is any kind of problem. Indeed it seems almost as if he is blaming you for his problem i.e. Oh! god if only you were not so insecure then you would accept my porn habit. Which we both know is utter rubbish, this is just a form of defensiveness & an attempt to rationalize the nature of the problem.

**There is 100% NOTHING WRONG!! with you my friend, porn does make people do very odd things at times, porn itself can make things seem quite bonkers, so no! its NOT you going crazy its porn that's makes things feel crazy at times. Porn is so utterly filled with paradoxes its very confusing at times and much of the time it doesn't make sense but this is because the way human beings behave is NOT RATIONAL at times. Porn is not rational.

**You are faced with some very stark & hard choices given what you have said about your circumstances. a) clearly you hate & feel immensely hurt by his behavior & despite your best efforts he is not going to change for you or anyone else?. b) The fact that he is still in denial about the problem & unrepentant means you have to ask yourself where & when you need to draw a line in the sand & say enough is enough. c) I would strongly suggest that all you can now do is seek some counseling or one on one therapy for yourself to help you deal with your hurt & pain. A therapist might also be helpful in sorting out the best way forwards for you and what you want. I would strongly encourage you to get some form of support for yourself given the situation.

**Porn doesn't just hurt or damage the porn user, its like throwing a rock into a pond, i.e. the effects & consequences of the porn habit ripple outwards from that person to everyone around him or her. It touches a wider circle.

**You can "love the core person" but you are still fully entitled to hate the behavior i.e. his porn habit & use of dating sites etc.

**My sense is that the choice is quite clear here, if you carry on using porn & pretending that there is no problem then that hurts me. And I'm not prepared to go on allowing myself to be treated in that way. I don't want to go on feeling hurt in that way any more and I'm going to have to leave. Perhaps only the starkest of deadlines or ultimatums might force him into a position were his is prepared to change but of course there can be no guarantees this will work as hoped for. Leaving him would force him to see that he's not perfect, it also seems that his other relationships have floundered on the same rock of his denial. What I am most interested in is what would be uncovered here if the denial was removed, because there must be something incredibly powerful or of terrible pain for someone to go on covering the real deep issues up. These might be deep issues that the person themselves doesn't fully rationally understand yet but must be related to their personal history (past).

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Either way you have to look after yourself, especially so with such a serious problem with your back & with back surgery in the near future. I'm sure you have enough physical pain to deal with right now without more in addition.

Talking of pain try to bear in mind that its VERY common for people who use porn or have a porn habit, they use porn to numb themselves out. Porn can be used almost as a form of pain killer which sounds a bit odd perhaps but it is actually true, if the pain is very deep down for example if someone hasn't grieved or sorted out a past situation or issue then porn might be what keeps the pain at bay. Porn is thus used to keep the lid on Pandora's box so too speak.

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J, my heart aches for you. Your story sounds so similar to my own. I've been there with the constant arguing, the attempts to get him to see the light and then, finally, knowing it was time to leave when, after giving it plenty of time, nothing changed. I'll reiterate what Jason and Alex said: It has nothing to do with you or your worth. The fact that your partner has already had two short-lived marriages that ended as a result of his porn use is very telling. If he couldn't wake up in time to save not one, but two marriages, it's highly likely that he's not going to wake up to save yet another relationship. His denial seems incredibly strong and fixed. Who knows what it will take for him to hit bottom, but you seem to have hit your bottom and are aware that you just can't do this anymore.

From my own experience, I can imagine how grief-stricken you must be. It's so hard to watch someone you love self destruct.

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"What I am most interested in is what would be uncovered here if the denial was removed, because there must be something incredibly powerful or of terrible pain for someone to go on covering the real deep issues up. These might be deep issues that the person themselves doesn’t fully rationally understand yet but must be related to their personal history (past)."

This is such a great question/observation, Alex. Yes, what *would* someone be willing to lose so many loved ones to protect? What's baffling to me is that it takes *so* much work and a piling up of losses to avoid the pain of uncovering these issues. It almost seems like it would be less painful to just confront the issues head on. What's more, once one finally does grieve those issues, he/she will have to grieve all the losses they've accrued while trying to cover up the original pain. It's very hard to understand that mindset.

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great post, heartbreaking story.

j - you can do nothing more for this man. it may be that just by sticking around you are giving him the security to keep doing this thing. i know this as the former wife of an addict even though it was not a porn addiction. i am sure the same applies here. i hope you can break away and heal and find a man that treats you right.

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Hi Margaux,

In response to your comments. Ah! yes! your argument makes complete sense & rationally I agree with you. BUT, and its a vital & BIG BUT the human psyche is NOT rational and the unconscious is incredible and a persons psychological self defenses are also weird & incredible I know this from my training as a counselor & therapist and from working with people and from my own therapy experience.

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As I said before perhaps it might take a partner leaving the relationship to finally bring him to his senses, but sometimes it really does take hitting total rock bottom to start to turn it around. In this case the obsession or habit call it what you like must be very strongly & the defenses very entrenched for a third relationship to fail. And to fail on the rocks of yet the same issues i.e. porn. Sadly when a person is in very deep denial they often look to place the blame else where (often projecting the blame onto a partner or someone else, anyone else but themselves). Thus if you remove that object of blame the dynamics of the denial can change, so if there is no partner to lay the blame on your starkly left alone with yourself. Sadly, that might not be enough to solve it because there is no guarantee that such a person might not then turn to some other different form of fix to keep the denial in place i.e. such as alcohol or drugs for example.

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Alex--Totally. No argument from me. I guess what I'm saying is that I get it, but I don't get it. From the outside, it seems so obvious that porn is such a huge problem in these people's lives, but I realize that when a person is addicted to the stuff, it's not so obvious. All of us human beings deal with denial and other psychological defenses to a certain degree.

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Hi Margaux,

YES! the problem is when your in denial you cannot see the wood for the tree's let alone see an entire forest. When you in denial ALL your focus is on the wood, the grains in that particular piece of wood, the tree rings, what type of wood you have hold of, the shape of that wood, the smell of that wood, the kind of tree that wood comes from & so on. Its only when you have some distance from the wood, its only when you walk away back up the hill can you see were you have been and can then see the forest for what it really is. Healing can only take place once distance is achieved and porn is no longer used to prop up the denial mechanisms. But here's the real kicker (paradox) you can only let go or heal a porn obsession, porn habit by being willing to face your actual pain and by NOT burying that pain with more pain (i.e. porn to numb out).

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