How can I help my partner’s porn addiction? – MP’s story
So I am a partner of what I think is a “porn/masturbation addicted” man.
We have been together for 5 years. Have a son together. Shortly after we moved in together I found his stash of mags under our night stand. Confronted him and he promised to throw it out. Not but a few months later found another stash in the van. Confronted him and again he promises… he will throw them out and it will never happen again.
Well, needless to say I have found stash after stash in the house, in the car, in the garage and in his work truck. This last time I told him he is single handedly tearing us apart. He is not “present” when we have sex… which by the way I think is partly my fault. I have always allowed him to have porn on while we are having sex. I figured if we do it together it’s no big deal… wrong.
We talked openly about it and he said he thought it was OK because I didn’t seem to have a problem with it in the bedroom. He has admitted to not being present while having sex, to looking at it almost daily, to waiting for me to leave so he can have alone time and pretty much has said he will get rid of it all and does not want to make me feel bad anymore.
He is sorry for the hurt he has caused me and wants me to trust him that he will never buy, look or sneak it again. I know that is unrealistic for me to believe. Just by looking at the past and knowing what a strong hold this has on him. I know he loves me and wants what has been missing.
How do I bring it up to him that he needs more help then just throwing it out… his mentality… out of sight out of mind. Please help… thank you.
Thank you MP for sharing your story. I’m sure that many partners will be able to relate to your scenario and feelings.
It’s clear that he’s had this attachment to porn for quite some time, and it predates your relationship. Whatever the underlying reasons for his habit may be, looking at porn gives him some form of security that he just can’t seem to resist. But it’s proving incompatible with your relationship and he needs to learn how to let go.
We can’t say whether he really is throwing his stash away each time, or just trying to get you off his case. Even if he is throwing it out and trying to go cold turkey, it isn’t working. And that’s not necessarily a criticism of him; cold turkey is something most guys try, but the habit urges prove too strong. It’s clear that you know this already.
There’s no criticism of you here either – couples do incorporate porn into their sex lives, and there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with that. It may have contributed to his porn fixation and you can both agree on that now.
Being able to discuss the issue openly is a positive advantage. Hopefully he will now accept that cold turkey and sheer willpower isn’t the answer – he needs to be more proactive than that. A big part of his habit will have been instinctive hiding, secrecy and craving time on his own. It’s time for him to open up and become accountable, and move on from any guilt-tripping or shame over this.
This is easier said than done, and breaking the habit instincts can’t happen overnight. But he can help himself – this recovery doesn’t need to involve group therapy or expensive treatments. I would recommend a step-by-step plan like my own, or he can research the many other resources available.
All of this comes down to his own motivation to change and let go of old, redundant rituals. You can provide support and encouragement, but he must take the initiative now. You have had to police his behaviour for long enough, and he should acknowledge that.
I wish you both every success.
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MP, my heart goes out to you. It is important for partner to realize that pornography addiction is just as serious as any addiction, and may be on of the most challenging to overcome. Men can’t overcome it by shere will power, it literally alters brain chemistry, and will power isn’t enough. It is like swimming upstream, you can only do it for so long before you can’t keep swimming upstream, and the down the stream you go again. With the right tools an the right help he can overcome this problem and be free of it – if he wants to. But he has to want to. If he just keeps rationalizing and justifying and excusing, there is little you can do for him. You also need to consider the impact his example is having on your son. Even though your son is young, and may not know about it, our way of being as parents influences children in their developing years more than we know, and this will definitely influence your son.
Good luck and God bless you!
Arden Compton