His porn addiction makes me feel inadequate and not pretty enough – HJ’s story

My partner appears to have an unhealthy desire for younger girls, and this concerns me on so many levels. Throughout our relationship (of around 18 months now) I have noticed him staring at younger girls as we walk past them in the shops or on the street. It’s very clear to me that he ‘checks out’ their faces, their chest and then looks away just before they walk right past us.

Don’t ask me how I’ve noticed this much, I’m not too bad with observation skills. I told him I was worried about this and he said it wasn’t a concern for him, that there was ‘nothing in it’. Recently, (end of Nov) I found several images of naked younger girls (aged 16-19 I would say) on his laptop. When confronted about this he was defensive, appeared sick with worry and we had a long chat about how we should progress together. I may have been a bit harsh to begin with but I told him he had one more chance with me and that if I discovered any of this again, he would be out.

I said this because aged 16 is borderline pre-teen and speaking with honesty I am concerned he may have a ‘desire’ to look at naked pre-teens on the internet – which is absolutely not acceptable. I do remember having a brief discussion with him about this hypothetical situation even though I had no evidence to back up my fears.

He committed to trying very hard to stop. 2 days before he travelled abroad with work I was beside myself with worry, incredibly anxious and told him how I was worried he may relapse when he was away (work abroad typically means 12+ hours per day then long periods of time in the hotel room).

I cried, he alleviated my fears telling me how he wasn’t going to do it because he didn’t want to do it. He returned a week later for me to discover that 2 days after that conversation, the 2nd day he was abroad – he had in fact done it and more images (with dates and times) had appeared on his laptop.

Again he was defensive, aggressive almost to the point of snatching the laptop from my hands and this was devastating for me. I want to support him if he has a genuine problem but I have the greater problem right now. I don’t trust him, he lies to me, I strongly suspect this ‘desire’ is too great for him to battle against and it’s unhealthy for us.

I do have the PGO book and am finding it useful. I am empathetic to his situation and fully understand how he might have engaged with this pre-me (it’s a complex relationship thing where he has been a victim of emotional and psychological abuse) however – what do we do for us?

His ‘addiction’ which he now says it is, does predate me and I believe him when he says it has improved significantly but I still feel inadequate, not pretty enough, don’t fulfil his sexual desires (and trust me we do a lot!) even where once he said I was all he needed and that it was me he fantasised about.

Please help. Many thanks.

Thank you HJ for sharing your situation here, and I’m pleased to hear that you are finding my book helpful.

Of course, you have clearly identified many of the typical behavioural indicators: secretly collecting images, aggressive and apologetic mood swings, pattern matching when he’s travelling with work and above all, lying to you. Like so many guys in the trap, he’s seeing everything through a sexualised filter. Girls in shops are objects for him to check out and sexually evaluate. This is the ‘porn goggles’ effect; it’s always on his mind.

And his defence mechanisms are drawing you into typical porn addiction ‘games’. His role shifts from the honesty of ‘it’s a fair cop’ to indignant ‘how dare you accuse me’. Addicts even get to play the hero sometimes, adopting ‘we’ll both be OK, I’ll change my ways’. For all these routines, it feels difficult to avoid playing along; that’s enough to sicken any partner with worry and frustration.

But before any real trust can be re-established, he needs to know that the mindgames are over. Yet direct confrontation and arguing with his ‘addicted side’ often prolongs the games, so a strategy of clear, calm discussion is a good one.

It is very positive that you have taken an empathetic interest and recognised the likely basis of his issues. He’s very lucky to be in a relationship with you. You can continue to provide support and understanding, but the onus is on him to take responsibility. So he’s admitted the problem and says he’s “trying hard to stop”. Now it’s time for him to show real motivation to change.

His behaviour isn’t a reaction to you or your relationship, though I know how hard it is to really accept that and avoid feeling inadequate somehow. You’ve identified that he has an ongoing compulsion that developed in reaction to earlier events in his life. These emotional wounds may still be raw and open, and he cannot expect you or the security of your relationship to fix him. I wonder whether he would benefit from counselling or therapy.

Continue to let him know that you understand the pressures and conflicts of this horrible situation. But above all, make it clear to him exactly how much all of this is hurting you. He needs to know that this issue is still a potential deal-breaker. Positive words aren’t sufficient. He has to do some research and take action; there are plenty of resources out there. You may even need to set a deadline for this – it’s something I often recommend to partners. If he really can’t face up to things despite all your love, you are better off breaking away.

I hope that these insights provide some support in finding your own recovery from this difficult scenario.