Help! I found my boyfriend's transsexual porn collection
I just found a whole bunch of transsexual porn in my boyfriend's closet. First he started watching regular porn, then I saw a bi sexual porn, then I found a whole collection of transsexual material. What the f*** does that make him?
That's mad nasty. I should say something but I'm scared of his reaction. If someone can respond that would be really great. Let me know what I should do.
Hi LR,
Yes, you both need to talk about this. Here are some tips as you prepare for that conversation:
- Get clear on your problem with this. Is it his secret porn, or his choice of secret porn?
- Have these discoveries coincided with other problems in your relationship?
- A good approach might be along the lines of "I've found all this porn in your closet. I'd really like to get your take on what this is all about". Give him the opportunity to level with you, and try to avoid accusing him.
There aren't any guidelines on whether guys in relationships should look at porn, how much they should watch and what kind of material. It completely depends on the feelings of the two people involved.
As for his choice of porn, yes some guys turn to porn because they have repressed sexual interests. And some guys struggle with compulsive porn viewing due to deeper emotional issues - this site is testament to that. But many more watch non-straight porn because it's there and they are intrigued - it means nothing more than that.
You are entitled to raise the issue for discussion. If you both value this relationship, hopefully you will be able to talk this through. Please feel welcome to share any further concerns here.
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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Sometimes guys will get bored
Sometimes guys will get bored of the normal vanilla porn and will start watching different type of porn. This might be one of the reasons why he watches transsexual porn. But there is another reason why he might watch it. Maybe that's his fetish and that's what he likes. Either way, I know how hard and confusing must be for you.
I really hope he is honest with you about this.There is a high chance that he will not tell you the truth though if he is really into transsexual fantasies.
Sometimes we partners get stuck in the kind of porn that our partners watch, rather than looking at the big picture. I was shocked to my husband's collection of "barely legal" teen porn. What ever their preferences are it hurts!! What hurts the most is us not even knowing what their preferences are until we find these collections.
We can never compete with the porn the watch, its not a competition ( even though most of the time it feels like it is).
I guess what you talk to him about this you might have a better idea of what's going on. I really hope he is honest with you right away, because sometimes they are in denial. It took my husband almost two years to finally be honest with me. I'm just mentioning this, so you know that he might even not agree with you that his collection is an issue.
Good luck and let us know how it goes..Good luck!!
Barely legal means underage
Barely legal means underage children... not barely... Just fyi...
"Barely Legal" porn does not
"Barely Legal" porn does not involve underage children. It is legal because the actresses are only eighteen or nineteen, hence the "barely" part. I don't like barely legal porn because it deliberately chooses actresses that are adults but might not look it, but it's legal and therefore trying to make it into child porn is sensationalizing it and isn't accurate.
A conversation is definitely
A conversation is definitely required here! LR, your first reaction must be to question yourself - is it something that he wants that he's not getting from you and how can you possibly compete. It's the response we all have when we find our spouses are looking at stuff that's complete different to the life we share in the real world.
What's not clear from your description is whether you think he's addicted and looking at this stuff for hours whilst his normal life slips through his fingers, impacting hugely on his relationship with you. Or, whether you hardly notice him looking at porn and he just has freaky tastes.
Whilst it's possible that he would rather be with a transexual, it's highly unlikely. Fantasy plays a massive part in porn consumption whether or not the person has a problem porn habit or is a rather casual consumer. Most of us are viewing stuff which is enough for a 'fix' and it's possible that he's unable to get the same buzz from more regular porn scenarios. His tastes have got weirder and weirder.
Another problem creeps in if he's having trouble performing with you.
I totally understand what a horrid situation you're in. If you approach the conversation with him in an non-threatening/non-accusational manner, you stand more chance of him being honest. Perhaps you could even say something like "I understand that sometimes people look at weirder scenes to try to provoke the same porn buzz they used to get from normal porn - is that how you feel or is this something that you're interested in trying in real life?". I think the outcome of your conversation will depend very much on whether or not he thinks he has a problem and also whether he thinks you're criticising his tastes or trying to understand him better. Good luck!
Hello, To be honest many
Hello,
To be honest many many men do actually find images of transsexual or trans-gender porn quite erotic, this is incredibly common believe it or not!!.. Personally this may not neccessarly represent any more of a problem than if the porn was more run of the mill ordinary porn.
I guess there is the wow!! this is odd or different factor to it (different from run of the mill vanilla porn). Or perhaps there is the sheer voyeuristic amazement to see someone who has a female top (torso) with a male genitals (penis) or vica versa female genitals with male torso,etc. Such a the very famous Thia lady-boys as an example.
**Personally I wouldn't make a BIG DEAL out of the actual type or content of the porn, its more having, or needing, or using the porn in the first place that would be the main issue that needed bring up and needs to be openly discussed.
**In any discussions about having & using porn with a partner its better if you can try NOT TO use blaming, try to avoid being overly critical too. Anyone who uses porn & is found out is going to feel VERY VERY EXPOSED and very vulnerable or very embarrassed or guilty,etc.
**NOTE: just because your partner likes or has a preference for gay or bisexual or transsexual porn doesn't mean they are directly gay, bisexual or transsexual themselves. Just because someone has a specific preference doesn't mean they are that way inclined themselves, an interest in trans-sexuality might be that they find that particularly erotic or have certain fantasies about that. It doesn't mean they want to live it out or be like that. In fact this is a very very common misunderstanding, yes! its bound to raise questions of sexual interest but its not necessarily bad of itself. It commonly raises certain fears or anxieties until its talked about openly between both partners.
I'm a bisexual guy and I
I'm a bisexual guy and I don't go for transexual porn but I'm a bit curious, admittedly.
I can say the following with some confidence because I've been and watched gay and bisexual porn, as well as straight porn.
- it's got little or nothing to do with being attracted to women. I check women out all the time. Most of my fantasies and dreams when I'm sleeping are about women. Cleavage gets me excited, knowwhutImean? Try not to look at his sexuality as an either/or situation.
- could be emotional stuff. Society is very strict about what is acceptable for males to be sexually attracted to. That's frustrating and can induce a lot of shame and make it all very secretive. Being secretive is hard to do.
- If I was in his shoes, I'd have very little problem with you addressing your concerns. I'd welcome them, in fact.
- If you addressed them using the terms "what the fuck does that make you" or "that's nasty", then I'd feel even worse, however.
I - get - feeling freaked out about this. Maybe writing down all your angry thoughts before hand to get them out of your system? However, I speak from experience again that being spoken to in a way that strongly implies or flat out states that what I'm doing is shameful is a surefire way to make things worse.
I am a bisexual woman. I am
I am a bisexual woman. I am also married. I fantasize about women often, that's how I meet my bisexual needs now that I am in a monogamous relationship. I don't watch porn anymore, but I was never into transexual porn. Didn't do it for me. I also was never into guy-guy porn. I loved lesbian porn though among other stuff.
Maybe men are different, but I don't see how you go back to the same kind of porn if you don't have some kind of sexual interest in the action. Being curious is one thing, but going back to it over and over again, it has to mean that it excites you. Now I am not saying that watching transexual porn mean that you want to be one..but I am saying that to have a whole collection of it means that you have a strong sexual interest in that kind of sexual activities.
Obviously no two people are
Obviously no two people are the same, and this also means we are wired differently internally. It means there is a vast amount of sexual variation, a wide range of desire, fantasy & so forth. i.e. one persons sexual fantasy or turn on, is another nightmare or turn off.
**I'm glad we're all so different it would be a horrible world if we were all clones or facsimile copies of each other. Thank goodness for genetic variation & Darwinian evolution through natural selection.
We keep saying that watching
We keep saying that watching gay porn doesn't mean that your gay. True..to a limit.. Does that mean that you sexual interest toward men? Does that mean that you get aroused by male sex organs?
If watching gay porn doesn't mean that your gay..is it the same with children pornography? Does watching children porn ( let's leave the fact that is illegal aside for a minute) mean that you get aroused by watching children??????
Its true that we all are
Its true that we all are different. That's why there is so much porn available, to meet the needs of all different people and different fantasies, interest etc.
So we all go through a process of selection, we chose the type of porn that work for us, mainly that arouses us. If a guy has a whole collection of transexual porn, doesn't that mean that he has an interest in transexual?!!? Common sense says that he does.. Will he ever act on it on real life??? I doubt it.
I understand what this woman is going through. Everything we do, everything we want makes us who we are. Everything we know about a person, makes that person who he is in our eyes. Sometimes to hard to put that limit between real life and fantasy. I understand how this woman might feel. I would be very confused if I found out that my husband has some kind of borderline gay fantasies.
Hello F, Good questions &
Hello F,
Good questions & good comments.
**OK! a person can have (male or female) sexual fantasies and sexual fantasies are just that!! "fantasies" but the point is that they remain within our minds eye. Fantasies can be based on an actual real live person or some completely 100% imaginary being or entity. Fantasies are generally not something that most of us want to act out or live out, why? in my case talking personally I know that even if I attempted to live out such fantasies I would be bitterly disappointed because reality would never match up to the power of my imagination. Fantasies are incredibly personal & mainly just ours to enjoy at some level but generally most of us don't have the motivation to act them out.
**A psychologist or psychotherapist would be interested in what a given fantasy says about the person, fantasies always are symbolic of some aspect of how a person functions and what motives or drives them or what blocks or frustrates them. So just as Sigmund Freud talked about the interpretation of dreams so an experienced therapist can interpret fantasies. Fantasies always communicate unconscious motives or meaning at a much deeper level but only very skilled people can fully understand what they really mean.
Quote: ..is it the same with children pornography? Does watching children porn ( let’s leave the fact that is illegal aside for a minute) mean that you get aroused by watching children??????
ANS:- Child porn is a very very different subject entirely. First of all what I discovered from studying this & from reading & from my own experience. Is that most so called normal heterosexual & quite possibly homosexual men have a taboo barrier. This is a psychological boundary or limit internally & this taboo works in the sense that most men don't or won't find pre-pubescent girls of any or highly limited sexual interest.
Meaning even if you saw an image of a naked 9 year old girl you most likely wouldn't find it sexually arousing. OK! so why is that? its because 9 year old girls have not started to become fully mature sexual beings yet. Its very easy to test this observation take 2 images one of naked pre pubescent girl and one of a naked 25 year old young women which is the more arousing? I doubt it will be the pre pubescent image.
**Of course I'm NOT talking about child abuse images. I'm only specifically talking about nudity. Child abuse can never ever be condoned ever, it makes me feel total sick even thinking about it.
Hello F, Quote: If a guy
Hello F,
Quote: If a guy has a whole collection of transsexual porn, doesn’t that mean that he has an interest in the transsexual?!!? Common sense says that he does.. Will he ever act on it on real life??? I doubt it.
ANS: YES! he would clearly have an interest in trans-sexuality but there may be specific aspects of trans-sexuality which are not obvious but are of particular interest. Its very hard to generalize really.
**Common sense says that he does.. YES!
**Will he ever act on it on real life??? I doubt it. ANS: ONLY IF the person concerned cannot discern the difference between inner fantasy & outward reality.
I don't think child
I don't think child pornography is any different from transexual porn. Well besides the fact that is illegal.
If a person has a collection of child porn, we call him some kind of pedophile.
But if a guy has a collection of transexual or gay porn, that guy is not gay?!?!
Why do we apply two different rules? The same way naked pictures of children make you sick, there are people that find transexual porn as sick.
You can argue that looking at children pornography is sick because its something against human nature..grown ups should not see children that way..Fine..but so is transexual porn. Its against nature. You are either male or female..not both...so how come we apply different limits to them? And watching gay porn doesn't mean you are gay? So what does that mean, that you keep watching images that make you sick???? I doubt that!!
"but so is transexual porn.
"but so is transexual porn. Its against nature." animals having two genders occurs quite often in nature, actually. there's scientific proof, perhaps you're some religious nut though I don't know or care. however there's no way in hell you can compare child porn and transexual porn. you're out of your mind "F"
Stop looking at it as gay or
Stop looking at it as gay or straight. Sexuality is SO complex. This girl's boyfriend is not gay. Liking transexuals doesn't make you gay, first off. It makes you something called pansexual. This means that you're attracted to men, women and everything in between (hermaphrodites, Transexuals, etc). There are even some guys that are not attracted to men at all but are very attracted to Transexuals. I mean think about it: why would a gay guy be attracted to a woman just because she has a penis?
Secondly, for F, you don't need to worry. Your boyfriend is simply not entirely heterosexual. But he is NOT gay. It's really important that you understand that. He can't help his sexual attractions. If he is attracted to men and transexuals as well as women, then so be it. But the main thing you should focus on is that he is with YOU. If he wanted to date a tranny, he would. But he chose you. And let me tell you this, most guys that are into transexuals are most of the time just as attracted to natural women.
Hello again F, Sorry! I
Hello again F,
Sorry! I think your fundamentally wrong!!
Quote: I don’t think child pornography is any different from trans-sexual porn.
ANS: There is a Massive difference here IMO, child porn apart from being illegal is often used & sought after by people who might be described as having pedophilic problems. These are men or women who want to have inappropriate sexual relations which children. This would be child abuse if actually acted upon. Child porn is NOT just images of naked children of course it might include this but its often much much worse than you or I can even imagine.
ANS:- There are indeed many many people who through their genetic makeup inherit both male & female characteristics, so its entirely possible to be both male & female at the same time & in the same body. Its a FACT get over it. There are millions of people like this. In a country like Thailand they are loved & valued & respected & well integrated into the Thia culture.
Quote: But if a guy has a collection of trans-sexual or gay porn, that guy is not gay?!?!
ANS: Precisely, some people like or find it arousing to look at gay porn, but that doesn't make them gay per say. Some people on this blog site reported getting bored with vanilla porn and ending up finding gay porn quite interesting. Gay porn has a lot more leather & fetish stuff then vanilla porn so I can see why that might be interesting in some ways.
Quote: .grown ups should not see children that way?
ANS: So parents with small children shouldn't see their own kids naked or shouldn't even acknowledge that sexuality is actually a part of being a complete human being. There is NOTHING sick at realizing that even a child might have some kind of sexuality, it is completely 100% natural for children to have some kind of sexuality. If anything is sick then its only how you are looking at it, its in your mind, its in your motives. As far as I see this there is appropriate behaviors & highly insensitive & inappropriate behaviors. Its knowing which is which & knowing where the boundaries lie.
Quote: but so is transsexual porn. Its against nature.
ANS: Sorry! I think your completely wrong, if that's what you think then its you who has the problem. NOT transsexual people. Transsexual porn is no better or worse than most porn you can find. I've seen transsexual porn & I didn't find it especially interesting or weird for that matter, its just another form of porn, look porn is porn!!.
I was not judging
I was not judging transsexualpeople. I was making a point that being transsexual is in a way against human nature and what nature gave us as bodies ( as I don't believe in God). Human nature is female and male bodies. I was saying that being transsexual is not what nature gave us. I was not saying that is wrong or right. I can't judge anybody for their sexual interest..I have some sick fantasies myself.. I was just saying that its not what nature gave us..but so isn't the fake boobs that we women get when we get old.
Hello F, NO!! your
Hello F,
NO!! your completely wrong IMO!!
Quote: I was not judging trans-sexual people. I was making a point that being transsexual is in a way against human nature?
ANS: No.1) F you are actually making a value judgment when you say trans-sexuality is against nature?!! Nature is what it is, its NOT for you or me to say what is natural or not natural. This is your subjective judgment. But I believe your wrong here on this.
No.2) Darwinian evolution through natural selection has created people who are trans-sexual in there very genetics. So counter to what you say or might think trans-sexuality is 100% completely natural you may not feel entirely comfortable with this FACT but this is the truth, this is what nature created.
No.3 ) Just because a person has breasts and a penis what's so freaky about that? personally I just have a problem with it. Or if they had a male torso & female genitals frankly they are still a human being whats the problem. Its NOT what kind of sexual parts you have that matters most its your core humanity & your ability to love & have relationships that matters. I'm sure an awful lot of trans-sexual people couldn't give a monkeys what the rest of us think about them.
Quote: Human nature is female and male bodies. I was saying that being transsexual is not what nature gave us.
ANS: No.4) Who says so? nature also gave us trans-sexual people who have a mixture of both genders in one body. Your wrong its exactly what nature gave us!!!, even if you don't like it, its 100% natural were else does it come from? If you think its not natural then its your thinking that's rather rigid or fixed or narrow.
**Fake or silicon breasts, silicone injected lips, face lifts, female genital surgery, fake sun tans. Nobody ever seems to ask why these people feel the need to have these fake things in the first place? I would suggest its done to cover up or cover over some deeper personal insecurity, some sense of feeling not good about themselves. But fake or enhanced body parts all come at a dreadful cost both financially & medically there is always a price to pay for such things. Its also a way to bend one's self to conform with social norm's of the culture.
**Sadly its juts a total myth that ALL men want women massive breasts, or that a man will love me more if I have big breasts. Its no different than selecting a boy friend not because you like him for who he is as a person but because he drives a certain brand of car, or not because you like him as a person but only because he has a big dick or earns a seven figure salary. This is just turning people into commodities all over again, it turns a person into an object or a kind of goods to be traded or compared with others.
Ok Alex I am not going to
Ok Alex I am not going to argue with you. You have your opinion, I have mine.
As an open member of the LGBT
As an open member of the LGBT community, I feel the need to put my two cents in. Child porn is nothing like transexual porn. Children might be sexual with themselves, but adults filming it or guiding it or participating is an abuse of power and it's impossible for children to consent.
Trans porn is between consenting adults. End of story. Abuse might happen, but it isn't inherent in the transsexuality.
Trans porn exists because of the grey area between male and female identities. No one is "just" masculine or "just" feminine with their thoughts, actions, emotions and even sexual expression.
Child porn exists because adults want to get a sense of power over a helpless human.
The only comparison is adults tend to think both are sick and there is an enormous amount of scorn attached to both of them, even though only child porn merits it.
Thank you E, I have to agree
Thank you E, I have to agree with your comments, your views pretty much echo my own. I couldn't have put these points better.
Interesting topic I stumbled
Interesting topic I stumbled across. Alex if only more people in the world had an open mind like yourself. In response to the original post, which has probably been dealt with by now but will give my 2 cents anyway.
Your boyfriend clearly enjoys watching this type of porn, enough to keep a collection and enough to keep it from you. Depending how much you love this man and are willing to accept, the best course of action would not be to victimise him but simply acknowledge what you found. He will be mortified no matter what but to know he has a girlfriend who has an open mind to accept would make the bond between you almost unbreakable. At the end of the day he isn't just going to stop watching it, and to make him do so would not be a good idea as it just means he can't be himself and no one wants to be repressed. It would be a difficult step for you to take but one that would make you a better and accepting individual.
On the subject of transexuality its a grey area many misunderstand, but it seems it is slowly becoming more known about. I can imagine a future and a society where transsexual people will be freely walking around within society, similiar to how gay people do now from what it used to be. As soon as people realise how diverse nature can be they will also realise that not everyone falls into either/or categories such as male or female and straight or gay. There is far too much in between and so there should be. It is a circle of invididuals expressing who they feel they are and those who admire these people. It is part of lifes design which doesn't quite fit into society very well but I am sure one day society will catch up. It certainly cannot be mentioned in the same breathe as child pornography, which is the sick and depraved abuse of defenceless minors.
I would love to hear the outcome of this situation and how you dealt with it.
R
Some excellent debate here on
Some excellent debate here on a controversial topic - thanks to everyone who shared their views.
Personally, I agree that transsexual porn and child porn are worlds apart on every level.
R - I think you've added a very apt footnote to this particular discussion.
"As soon as people realise how diverse nature can be they will also realise that not everyone falls into either/or categories such as male or female and straight or gay. There is far too much in between and so there should be."
I like it :)
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I think it's possible this
I think it's possible this guy watching transsexual porn could have had a curiosity about men in some ways at an earlier period in his life (asking him is the only real way of knowing). But I think some men also watch regular porn and then start to watch more and more taboo stuff because of the fact that it is taboo. It's like something so far removed from reality that it's a turn on because of that fact alone.
I also think that sometimes people's sexual taboo or curiosity could be on their minds for an emotional reason. If a guy feels inadequate, he might gravitate towards watching something that he views as taboo behaviour; it's a way for him to act out his negative feelings. It's kind of like if someone desires to be mistreated or whipped during sexual activities.
Alot of women in here will say they are shocked at your finding transsexual porn, but in reality a large percentage of them like lesbian porn. And the guys will tell you, "oh yeah, he must be gay". This question is for the men: when you watch straight porn, do you like the guy to have a small or large penis ? Kinda makes you wonder huh ?
Sex is just sex. I think if he's a good guy and he loves you, you shouldn't be so worried about him having bizarre fantasies. I doubt very much he has ANY intention on acting upon them.
Good luck,
B
[...] Secretive late night
[...] Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers Porn addiction is closely associated with homosexuality and a secretive nature implies he’s trying to hide [...]
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