Had I known about my husband's porn habit, I wouldn't have married him - S's story

Submitted by a reader on Mon, 25/01/2010 - 00:15

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My story sounds very familiar to so many of the stories I have read here... I have been in a wonderful relationship with my now husband for about 3 years, married for 6 months. While dating, he swept me off my feet with his honesty and (what I had thought) same morals as myself. He was always a bit touchy about me using his computer when I was at his place, but I just figured that was his one sensitive point which I just let go since he didn't have any others.

We had a whirlwind year, last year- I became pregnant after a few months of us being engaged, we married, left our jobs and made a major move across the country. He actually moved first and I followed him a couple months later after we were married.

Here's where it starts to get juicy... When I moved into our house, which at the time I was pregnant, I noticed something just wasn't right with our relationship. It was easy to make excuses for it - new jobs, new location, just married, getting closer to our child being born. I confronted him, completely convinced he was cheating on me. I went crazy trying to find evidence on his phone, but I couldn't come up with anything concrete. One day, I went onto his precious computer and found quite the surprise. The history was full of porn sites and even one escort site. I was heartbroken, but I didn't confront him because I just didn't want to believe it. His computer has become my daily obsession as I have fumbled around (I'm not a genius at computers) and found a lot of porn on his computer. I have found files that pre date our relationship, but the hardest ones that I have found are the ones during our relationship right up to today.

As if finding the porn files aren't hard enough, I found files of videos of girls whom he pays on a video chat site to perform acts of masturbation and play into his fetish of licking their own breasts. These videos date from when we first started dating to pretty recently. I completely view this behavior as cheating. Had I known about him paying girls $2.99 a minute for about 10 minutes I would not have married him.

Even though, the porn dates to when we were dating and engaged I didn't notice the same behaviors from him as I do now - the desire to be alone for long stretches of time and lack of affection.

Here's the real kicker!!! As far as I know, he doesn't know that I know about any of this. He doesn't seem to know that I know how to date and time his web browser history to know that he spent an entire night looking up porn sites when he was supposedly "working" on his paperwork. He also doesn't seem to know that I know that he has subscribed to at least 4 websites which completely sucks because we are so strapped for cash that we are behind in our rent.

I have asked him straight out if he looks at porn and his answer is always no. He lies so much that I'm not sure if he knows the truth any more. I had really hoped that the birth of our child and the fact that he recently got a steady job would make his porn watching decrease but it hasn't. At this moment, he is locked in his home office under the preface that he is working... but I know he's not. He exploded at me earlier this evening about me knocking on his door and that is usually a clear indicator that he's going to watch porn all night long. I know that he will not come to bed tonight or be intimate with me for a few more days. I call these nights "porn-a-palooza".

I want us to go to a marriage counselor so that I can finally confront him about his porn addiction, but he thinks I want to go to a counselor because of the stress we are under from all the financial mess we are in. I want to hold onto this relationship for the sake of our child, because other than this stupid porn thing our relationship is otherwise normal. I just want the porn to go away!!!! I want him to choose me!! I want him to choose to spend the evening with me!!! I want him to choose to only be intimate with me and not these young girls on a video chat site!!! Heartbroken, confused and lost barely describe the feelings I have inside me.

Hello S and thank you for sharing your situation here. It's not uncommon for wives and partners to write to this blog while their man is shut away somewhere, avidly pursuing his porn obsession. And it's always heartbreaking to read that yet another guy is either oblivious or insensitive to the hurt that his habit is causing.

I would also view his behaviour as cheating. His preoccupation with porn is cheating you of the intimacy and togetherness that you married him for. His habit has introduced games, lies, angry outbursts and a horrible waste of money and time. So many partners get sucked into the routine, having to take on the role of 'porn detective'. Painful as it is, assessing the evidence really can become a daily obsession.

It is quite likely that the financial worries are adding to his cravings for pornographic escapism. Prolonged and regular masturbation to porn is his way of dealing with anxiety, and he's probably relied on these rituals for a long time. I'll make another assumption: he's probably figured out that this defence mechanism doesn't really work and actually causes him more resentment and despair than it relieves. But he feels too locked into habit to find a way out, even if it jeopardises his relationship and homelife.

But there is always a way out of porn addiction, and I agree that visiting a counsellor would be a good start. I'd suggest that now is the time to lay it out for him. Let him know that you are aware of what really goes on in his office, and that you understand why he might be compulsively acting in this way. Above all, make it clear that you are deeply hurt and things seriously need to change. If possible, try to avoid accusation and rage (tempting though it is) and simply explain your feelings and fears for the relationship.

His response might be anger, denial, defensiveness or tears. But it's so important that he gets the wake up call. I hope that this proves to be the first step in recovery for you both.

Dear S, yea we all get on here and see that we have the same pain and the same confusion. I have been this relationship for 3 and half years, I seriously need to get out. I know things are different with you with a new baby and all. What you wrote in the last paragraph that starts with "other wise our relationship is normal" and the rest of it, is the excact same feelings I have, and I do mean word for word so much so that it made me cry, it's just so hard to understand how it can be worth it. I do understand the pain, I believe that you need to do whatever it is your going to do right away. My advice is don't stay and go thru years of unhappiness and pain because you want it to work. Really I think you need to try everything you can now. I have come to realize that it has nothing to do with me, that does not stop the pain. I also believe that be being angry and being a "porn detective" has just gave him some way to justify his actions. The comment about it becoming a daily obsession is "right on" what it has became for me and I hate it. I try not to do it on most days, I feel like their are better things to do with my time and way more positive things. I know this has to be extra hard on you, with you just having a baby, but that can be the number 1 postive in your life and they do take up a lot of time. I wish there was something I could say to take away the pain and frustration, it has been helpful being able to come to this site. good luck and enjoy your baby they grow so fast. jayne

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A marriage counselor once told me that it is impossible to argue your husband out of watching porn. I have found this to be true -- like Jayne says -- he just sees it as justification and maybe does it even more.

What you can do is live your own life with honesty and confidence and if that means telling him what you want from your marriage (and even splitting up if you don't get it) then that is better in the long run. I mean all we are asking for is our husbands to put us before fake sex on a computer screen. It does not seem much to ask really!

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Only yesterday, therapist Julia Staub-French discussed this very issue on a Canadian news site.

A concerned parter asks:

"His constant viewing makes me feel somewhat uneasy and insecure. When I talked to him about this he became very defensive and replied that he felt he was "being judged." How much porn is too much?"

In replying, Julia mentions a male client who found it very difficult to cut down on porn:

"As we explored the issues, it became clear that he was using porn to manage his anxiety. He had built his use into his normal daily schedule -- one might say a ritual -- so that even when he was not using it he could experience a level of comfort knowing he was going to use it later in the day."

And the advice for partners is yes - you are fully entitled to raise the issue and to have your own feelings considered.

"This does not mean that he is going to change what he is doing because that is of course entirely up to him. And he may not engage with you in a conversation so you may want to come in for couples counselling so a counsellor can help navigate the tricky conversation, including exploring any issues that you may be bringing to the relationship that should be looked at as well.

Absent all of that, as with most relationships, you will need to decide what to do if he doesn't want to change, talk about it or go to counselling."

You can read the whole story here.

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Hello S,

I really feel for you, I really get a strong sense of the amount of hurt and pain your husbands behavior is causing you and how its adding further stress to your situation which sounds difficult enough to begin with. I can really appreciate the sense of betrayal you must be feeling and the sense of despair at his denial of whats going on here. Whilst I don't condone his secretive behavior or porn obsession one thing that might be helpful to bear in mind is that his denial will be due to the huge amount of shame & guilt involved in using porn. And the more someone comes from a morally righteous background the bigger that sense of shame might be, its why such a person is in denial. Many men believe it or not do feel VERY very bad for their weakness & need of using porn, I know I did. I felt my use of porn was a weakness and a weakness I hated in myself.

**There are things you can (could) actively do believe it or not.

No.1 you could set up web content filtering to otherwise block or limit porn access using something like OpenDNS's free filtering service. You could do that with or without his consent (better with his consent if you can). The OpenDNS service is 100% free & you can filter of block sites based on 30 different categories of site content from gambling,weapons, adult content, sexuality, bikini, political, racial hate,etc,etc. You can also additionally allow or block specific website address's (blacklist & white list). With this service it works at the highest level of the internet so it cannot be worked around or bypassed even by a clever computer user.

**NOTE:- if a page or site is blocked by this service the user is shown an explanation page telling them why the page/site is blocked. This service can be put in place very quickly once you register it can be up & working in around 3-8minutes real time.

SEE:- http://www.opendns.com

No.2 Yet another alternative could be a software program such as K9 web protection published by Blue Coat a US based software house. K9 is a FREEWARE application that can be installed on any PC and can be used in a very similar way to OpenDNS's service. The difference is that the software is installed locally on your computer but it offers a similar range of options and can be password protected so once installed the settings cannot be changed by other users. Its mainly aimed at parental control for parents supervising their kids internet exposure but there is no reason it could not be applied to adults too?

SEE:- http://www.getk9.com

Ivan

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I'm a great believer in the value of web content filtering & blocking as I feel this enables strong boundaries to be placed around internet content which otherwise would be detrimental or have a corrosive effect on the individual. Web content filtering has the BIG advantage of being free and also allows you (us) to carry on having internet access whilst keeping away from the worst or negative aspects of the web. After all the Internet does have so much positive stuff to offer. And it would be a real shame to miss out entirely otherwise.

**I use OpenDNS and it allows me to use the internet with far greater confidence than in the past. I know I can use the web without worrying about ending up on porn sites which I know would only have a dreadful effect on me if I allowed them. Its one solution to keeping well away from internet porn and living a happier life.

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If someone is using porn on a regular basis & has become a porn obsessive i.e. has a porn habit the issue I would strongly suggest is NOT in fact the porn itself. If someone uses porn the porn obsession is really only a symptom, a symptom of some other deeper issue which the person (male or female) is trying to avoid. Thus my opinion is that using porn is just another form of pain killer, porn numbs a person out, it is a form of escapism just like doing booze or drugs or gambling can be. Porn is a form of avoidance, avoidance of the deeper issues. These deeper issues may or may not be consciously known to the person. In my case it took me quite some time in counseling & therapy to reach the core issues & after some startling insights & allowing myself to grieve I no longer needed to use porn, in fact I lost almost all of my interest in it. I recognized even after these experiences that I'm not totally immune to the siren call of porn so I now have content filtering in place so I avoid porn now.

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"You cannot put a price on ones own happiness". Based on my own experiences using porn is far far too BIG a price to pay & life is far far too short to be so miserable & stuck in pain & self hatred. For me it came down to a stark & simple choice did I want to be happy & contented with myself as a man despite my limitations as a person (we all have limitations of one sort or another) or did I want to carry on hating myself being utterly miserable, hurting etc which was completely self inflicted or not. I chose to reject porn I just wanted to be as happy as I could despite everything and I have to tell you that I don't actually miss porn at all. It wouldn't matter or make any difference to me if I never saw another porn image ever again. I just value my happiness beyond any measure and that's all that matters, that I have started to like & value & love myself once again.

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Hi S,

I'm so sorry for your pain, and I can relate to every word of what you wrote (except for the part of being a new mom during this trauma--that's got to be extremely difficult in a way I can't even imagine). Everything all the other partners said about not being able to convince a porn addict to stop unless he wants to on his own is spot on. And, yes, I found that the more I argued with my husband about his porn addiction, the more he used it as justification to blame me and the relationship. Really, all any of us partners can do is state our feelings and set boundaries, and if the addict still refuses to stop watching porn and seek treatment, then we have to make the tough decision to leave. It sucks, and it's a horrible situation. It's especially horrible because, deep down, we know that our husbands do love us but have been drawn so deeply into the porn abyss that they can't see the light.

As far as installing filters on his computer, I would actually strongly suggest that you don't do that. As Jason pointed out, we partners have a tendency to turn into the "porn police," which robs us of our time and sanity. It's not your job to babysit your husband and make sure he doesn't look at porn. Your job is to live your own life, pursue your own hobbies and interests, and to take care of your baby. Your husband's job (if he steps up to the plate) is to be responsible and find ways of holding *himself* accountable for his porn addiction.

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I do agree with Margaux, I was merely suggesting that there are ways or methods that can be used to put in place to provide firm boundaries if a husband or partner is willing to accept them as part of trying to deal with his/she porn habit.

YEP! I agree its upto the porn user to take personal responsability for their own behaviour but I suggest that by putting in place soomething like K9 or OpenDNS the porn user can put back the boundaries which have been lost and thus its like asking that person to accept self restraint rather than letting it all hang out metaphorically speaking. Its like asking a porn obsessive to stop being self indulgent and accept self restraint might actually be healthier for them in the long term but it has to come from the porn user themselves I accept this. I also can see how difficult thats going to be for many many people because of the nature of porn & the denial that tends to go with it. But for those people with some degree of insight into their own behaviour such content filtering might be useful as a part of a healing process or recovery process depending on how you preceive it.

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Thought's for the day!!

**One of the biggest difficulties with porn usage is that the porn user has to admit to themselves that they have a problem. And until that person admits they have a problem nothing much can be done. Denial of being a porn user or having a porn obsession is a key difficulty.

**If you are in denial of your problem it cannot be fixed or resolved.

**Denial covers up or means you can avoid feelings of shame & guilt.

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Hello,

I am very sorry to hear what you are currently going through with your husband and I hope I can help with a few words. I am a man who has turned over the porn leave, but it was not easy. I would have to agree with these previous comments here, but there is not excuse to look at porn when you are married.

In order for your marriage to survive, it has to be build on a solid foundation. You need God to be the mediator. You and your husband need to be committed to the principles and moral values that God has provided for us and make an effort to live by them each and every day of your lives. You choices have to be for the goodness of your relationship.

Please read my post about overcoming sex and porn addiction. If you both believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, then I would recommend that both of you read it.

http://pathwaytofruit.wordpress.com

Please make sure you pray against this spirit of pornography. I pray that your husband makes the right choice. God Bless.

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