Fresh thinking on why husbands get hooked on porn
Here are two more additions to the list of reasons why husbands get hooked on porn.
Performance anxiety
Dr. Marty Klein comments:
Performance anxiety accounts for a lot of the erection problems I hear about in the office, as well as a lot of the low desire. In fact, there are guys who say “porn is easier than sex with my wife, because I never feel like I satisfy her.” That’s a far cry from “men are addicted to porn” or “men are afraid of intimacy.”
Trying to remain faithful
Relationship psychologist Susan Quilliam reports:
One anonymous married user of pornography said that his habit, as yet undiscovered by his wife of ten years, was something originally conceived as a “favour” to her: “We had been arguing a lot and rarely having sex, and I was increasingly tempted to sleep with someone else. Porn is a way of getting that satisfaction without physically betraying your wife.”
These observations don't justify or make excuses for men's behaviour. They actually suggest a fair amount of short-sighted selfishness and insecurity on the part of the husbands.
But they do provide further insight into what's going on in the minds of 'porn addicted' husbands. They aren't 'addicted' at all. Essentially, the men in these scenarios are using porn in reaction to communication issues with their wives. In terms of practical relationship repair, this is much easier to work on.
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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8 comments
To me, these types of
To me, these types of arguments are of the "chicken or the egg" variety. Is the performance anxiety the reason for turning to porn or is the performance anxiety the result of being conditioned to only have to worry about one's own pleasure through porn and masturbation? And as far as the "I look at porn so I won't cheat" reason, that seems like classic addictive denial to me. Why do you want to cheat in the first place? Why does cheating or, as a substitute, looking at porn seem to be the answer to your problems? Could it be because you use sex to cope, which is pretty much the definition of sex addiction?
As you pointed out in your response to my last comment, Jason, the explanations that apply to "normal" situations simply don't apply in the porn-addicton scenario--there are so many more layers. That said, I completely understand why these folks consistently come up with explanations that seem like common sense, but--and I've learned this the hard way--common sense just doesn't work when it comes to understanding addiction. As writer Benoit Denizet-Lewis says, "Anyone who thinks they understand addiction is on crack." That said, I think the reasons the people you quoted are probably a PART of the problem, but there's a lot more to it.
I think there are many men
I think there are many men who actually come to prefer porn and masturbation to sex with their wives because marital sex has become boring, unpleasant or causes stress, often due to sexual dysfunctions. Lack of desire and sexual attraction is also a big problem for men as their primary sexual sense is the visual.
And many of these men would tell you that they very well might have left the marriage if it were not for easy access to porn on the internet.
Many people believe that if there was no easily available porn, these men would try harder to have a sexual relationship with their wives. This is a misconception. For most of these guys the choice is not sexual
relations with their wives or porn and masturbation, it is rather a choice between using porn to get aroused for masturbation or using fantasy inside their heads. As men get older using imaginary fantasy to get aroused gets harder and harder as their arousal threshold gets higher as the years go by. This higher threshold is why many are turned off from marital sex (because they have difficulty getting aroused by their wives) and instead seek the intense stimulation and sexual variety of internet porn.
Most of these men will never return to marital sex with their partner as their ability to become aroused gets more difficult, not less, as they grow older.
Max115, I agree with you that
Max115, I agree with you that the scenario you described can indeed occur, but I feel like all too often the wife or the sexual relationship is blamed for a problem that truly has nothing to do with either of those things. We can all understand why sex with someone who, over the years has let herself go, might not be appealing or how sex with the same person might become boring after a while. This is a situaton that's not all that difficult to comprehend, but my argument is that it doesn't totally explain away porn addiction. There are plenty of men who are addicted to porn who have young, beautiful wives and girlfriends but who still would rather look at porn. There are relationships in which only after a few months of dating, the sex gets "boring" and the man turns to porn.
To me, when you consider that this happens even in "ideal" scenarios (hot young wife, great sex), there's clearly something else that's going on. And to me, that something is that the porn user is either 1) using porn to deal with issues that go way beyond the relationship, 2) has seriously skewed views about sexuality--meaning, instead of seeing sex as a way to connect with someone he loves, he sees it as being, above all, about getting off under "perfect" conditions, or 3) both of the above.
As the wife of a porn addict, I often find myself thanking God that this all happened when I was young and fit and attractive. Otherwise, I would have wasted even more time than I already have blaming myself for something that's not my fault and has nothing to do with me. It breaks my heart to think that someone out there is hating her body or thinking she's boring in bed because her husband has a problem that truly has nothing to do with her, despite her age or how long they've been married.
[...] in pornographic stories
[...] in pornographic stories has escalated to puerile relationship games and withdrawal from intimacy. Sexual performance issues and anxiety can be a contributing factor, and men turn to porn for distraction. And as you say, the internet [...]
Communication is so much
Communication is so much harder to do than simply going for a quick fix. I am concerned that in trying to do a "favor" for one's wife one is still training his mind to be stimulated by supermodels and airbrushed pixels.
Porn is a way of not
Porn is a way of not physically cheating on your wife, but it is still cheating. Just because you are not "with" any one else, viewing porn is cheating. I say this because I have a porn addiction, and I cannot seem to move past the problem. I want very badly to move past it-to the point I've even thought of suicide-but I know that suicide would only make matters worse on my family. My wife and I have 5 kids, and I am the breadwinner. Taking my own life would make matters worse for my wife, as well as make life very hard to understand for my children. I am seeking help. I pray that I receive it before it's too late.
I don't agree with Max115. In
I don't agree with Max115. In my experience our husbands were hooked on porn way before we met them.
As far as marital sex gets boring..here is my experience..I am 28 now, 25 when I met my husband. People say I am extremely attractive, I take care of myself, I'm tall and fit. A lot of girls that my husband watch are not nearly as attractive as me. I don't mean to sound cocky ,but its the truth.
I am very sexual woman, never say no to sex. I am also bisexual, I find some women pretty and have wanted to bring home to my husband one or two. I don't want you to judge me for that, I don't see anything wrong with including other women once in awhile in my marital sex. Well my husband was never interested in that, and does not suffer of poor performance or anything.. He also was not very interested in sex with me either.
That makes me think that your marital sex doesn't make you turn to porn!!
And I think poor performance is because of use of porn. Well in my experience it was. If you spend hours of watching porn and masturbating, of course you are not going to get aroused and perform well with you wife.
I'm sure different people have different reasons why they get hooked.
And yes, it is kinda of cheating. In my opinion, if your use other ways, people or images to satisfy yourself other than your wife, you are cheating. Your wife should be the main source of your sexual satisfaction!!!
Michael, I'm going to tell
Michael,
I'm going to tell you the same thing I said to my husband when he was having the same thoughts..your porn addiction does NOT make you a horrible husband. Your addiction does not make who you are. I'm sure that your wife would say the same thing. We partners don't care about the addiction as much as we care about being open and honest with us. You have build a life with your wife and family, don't let an issue like porn ruin it. Stop thinking about horrible thoughts like that. Porn is not that worth it. Start being open with your wife, tell her you love her and you need her to be next to you while working on this issue.
Good luck!!
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