For partners of pornography addicts: a checklist of denial
In many ways, he's a loving and wonderful man. It's natural to want to trust him, believe him, and downplay the threat of his porn habit. He'll certainly join you in playing these games.
Dr Claudia Black recently published a summary of the rationalisations that partners will typically rely upon in order to persuade themselves that everything is OK. She offers these words of guidance:
Don't be critical of yourself. If you see the situation for what it really is and don't know what to do, it is natural to slide into a state of hopelessness and helplessness. The truth taps your greatest fear, that you are unloved and abandoned. You feel shame and humiliation. So as long as the addict denies or minimizes it, you can rationalize, deny, and pretend as well. The illusion of safety and security is an enticing fantasy. But in the process you quit trusting yourself, your inner voice.
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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3 comments
Yes, we partners can be just
Yes, we partners can be just as deep in denial as our sex addict spouses. And that denial can be just as dangerous and life threatening as an addict's. That's why it's so important for partners to get help as well.
Having a porn habit is
Having a porn habit is nothing more than a symptom of denial. Denial & Porn go hand in glove as it were.
a) The man is in denial of his real pain, frustrations, anger, sense of impotency or sense of dis-empowerment, buries these feelings by using porn. This denial of deeper issues & numbing out (pseudo form of pain killer) is what porn is all about, its also a form of escapism.
b) In addition to the above the man is also in denial about how his behavior hurts those closest to him. A porn habit commonly damages the ability to express & receive intimacy, porn gets in the way of closeness, closes the heart to real loving IMO.
c) The women or partner is in denial in the sense that its extremely hard to believe that someone your in a marriage or partnership would go behind your back & use porn. i.e. I cannot believe he would do that to me (so we try to avoid the painful truth) so we deny it to ourselves & others. We DON'T confront him until we cannot bear the hurt & shame any more.
d) Sadly, if the male cannot change his behavior the its entirely possible the relationship to suffer irreparable harm. In the end something or someone has to change for the situation to resolve itself.
e) Mostly its us men that need to look at ourselves, it is us men that need to face & embrace change. Bearing in mind just how hard any real lasting change is for anyone male or female. I feel that counseling or psychotherapy is probably the best approach to helping someone change their behavior, but even then a person has to want to change otherwise even therapy cannot work.
The bigger & more chronic the
The bigger & more chronic the porn problem the deeper the denial will be.
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