Does my boyfriend watch porn because he hates the way I look? - S's story

Submitted by a reader on Mon, 24/05/2010 - 09:15

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Please, fucking help me. I can't take it any more. My fiancée's porn addiction has left me empty and heart broken.

I have known for years but the longer it goes on the less I want him. He was too forward about it... Seems to be the opposite problem that most of you had.

The real problem? I don't think he is attracted to me in the least. It's not that I have snooped a lot... I have a few times but he has rubbed it in my face over and over again... What he likes to look at... How many times a day. I probably would have been fine if he never said a word... Especially if he didn't tell me names of the porn stars he likes that have the biggest boobs you could possibly even imagine, me a meagre 32C.

I hate my life because of this. I thought he loves me but now I know for sure that I am nothing special to him. He is not attracted to me. It doesn't matter how kinky I am. How often I want sex, what I wear (he has a lingerie fetish and I hate the way I look in it). He has a million fetishes... I love having sex with him I really do - it's perfect but I don't think he feels the same because if he did I don't think someone that has sex several times a DAY needs porn.

He only recently started lying saying he would stop... Why does he choose it over me. I can't compete with it. He hates the way I look. I just need him to stop and I don't know if I can ever forgive him or the damage that has already been done. I don't know if it can be reversed.

Hi S,

I'd agree that your situation doesn't sound typical.

He seems to enjoy sharing all the details of his porn-fuelled masturbation activity with you. It sounds to me like hurtful game-playing; a game where pornography features heavily. He feels compelled to play "check out how bad I've been", and you are expected to play the victim.

Whatever the possible extent of his porn habit or addiction, his behaviour towards you suggests some pretty deep insecurities on his part. I wonder whether he feels compelled to subject you to porn-star comparisons in order to stay in control; to make you feel grateful to be having sex with him. Perhaps his ego feeds off your reaction and hurt, like a needy child saying "I hate you" to mother.

So how to recover a relationship where he gets off on your hurt and deteriorating self-image? I think it's time for your healing to take priority, and I'm not sure that can even begin under these circumstances. If he refuses to take your feelings into account and continues to fob you off with lies, leaving him may be the only positive outcome.

I hope this is of some support, and wish you well in deciding where to go from here.

This situation sounds incredibly abusive, S. And I agree with Jason that it speaks much more to your boyfriend's insecurities than it does to anything having to do with the way you look or your performance in bed.

My soon-to-be ex-husband is also a porn addict, and though he was never as brazen as your boyfriend (meaning, he never went all out and described porn stars or porn acts to me), he seemed to make sure I'd find the porn. It was a sick, twisted game. Fortunately, I began my own therapy and 12 step program for partners of sex addicts, which helped me build up my self worth and realize that I didn't deserve this sort of treatment. It's abuse. I'll say it again: It's abuse. And I wasn't going to let anyone--husband or not--devalue me and treat me like anything but the beautiful, precious person that I am.

Your boyfriend might wind up getting help for his problem and following through on these new promises. I hope that's the case. But whether he does or doesn't, I encourage you to get some help for yourself so you can be your own advocate and learn some steps you can take to protect yourself from this unhealthy treatment.

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Dear S,

I read your story very carefully and the overwhelming sense I have is one of deep deep sadness for your situation. I can see & feel how much your hurting as a result of your boyfriends behavior. Your boyfriends behavior is completely out of order in my opinion, it sounds like his porn habit it grossly out of control. His behavior is crass, is totally insensitive to your real needs, no wonder you feel so bad. YES! in fact I wouldn't normally say this but it does sound quite abusive. Your boy friend has lost any sense of were the healthy normal boundary should be between intimacy & loving in an actual relationship, & his sexual obsession with porn.

No.1 Its your boy friend who has a really serious problem with his porn obsession.

No.2 Its clear his behavior is incredibly hurtful to you, no wonder you feel so unloved, so rejected any normal person would feel that way.

No.3 Its your boy friend who needs to look at his own behavior, needs to change. I'd suggest that he need professional help of a counselor or therapist & preferably one who know specifically how to help people with porn dependency.

No.4 Might I suggest that you yourself would benefit from some kind of support too. To explorer why you are staying in this relationship with this man. Why? put up with this crass awful obsession with porn.

I really wish you well & my heart goes out to you in your distress. I hope you can find some healing and I really hope your situation can change for the better. Take care of yourself too.

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The difficulty with porn is that porn is actually NOT the fundamental problem. The obsession with porn is really a symptom of some other problem, it might even be a problem that a person is not fully aware of (because the problem or issue is unconscious, below the level of daily awareness sometimes). Porn is frequently a means of avoidance of the real or core problem, porn is often used like a pain killer. Its used to numb out the distress or other difficult emotions what ever form they take, anxiety, fear , pain even anger.

**When someone uses porn it commonly leads to or involved a process of "objectification" it is this objectification that also helps create the numbing effect. The numbing effect can also lead to something called disassociation & this can have a dreadful effect on a persons well being & even mental health. Although to be fair it does depend upon how much porn is being used & how chronic the porn obsession is. Disassociation leads also to a lack of emotional sensitivity, you might experienced the porn user as cold or distant emotionally, or even emotionally absent (because a part of them isn't actually present in reality).

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When someone has a porn dependency (porn habit) its like throwing a large rock into a pond, the rock hits the water and the splash causes ripples. The ripples radiate outwards. The effects of a person having a chronic porn habit ripple outwards & touch everyone in close association with that person. The effect of the porn habit affects those closest i.e. wife or girlfriend, family & wider friends and then wider again work colleagues etc,etc. But those closest get hurt or affected most.

**whilst using porn is like a form of self flagellation (masochistic sport) the person who gets hurt most it the person with the porn habit. Its still dreadfully painful to stand bye & see someone do this (self flagellation) to themselves. Naturally we still have a response to seeing someone hurt themselves especially when the self inflicted pain is so unnecessary in the first place.

**Its even more hurtful if some of that self flagellation is turned or projected outwards & inflicted sadistically on someone else, especially a partner. Even more so when that sadism is then also denied.

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Hello Alex,

I’ve been visiting this blog for almost a year now and have been reading your comments regularly. I must say that you put a lot of thought into it and provide great inspiration for people like us, I am struggling against this, though I would say others on this blog are struggling even harder than me.

I would really be grateful to you if you could please help me a bit with smoe advice on just how I can come out of this.

Thanks.

Adalrich.

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When someone has a chronic on going porn habit, its also likely that they are in strong state of denial that its a problem, or that there is anything else deeper down that's a problem. Personally I find one of the most helpfully ways to consider why a person uses porn is that porn used daily is like the constant need to take pain killers. If the person stops taking the pain killers then their real pain, their deeper distress (feelings) would re-surface. It is these deeper feelings that they are attempting to block, numb out or avoid experiencing. Porn is like the cork on the bottle whilst the cork is in place the pressure of the distress is kept in check but once the cork is removed all those old unexpressed emotions come bubbling back up, often with great force too (i.e. the feelings might erupt or gush out). Porn is the cork in the bottle of the psyche (method of denial) it is also a pain killer to numb the self.

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Hello Adalrich,

I'd like to suggest something to you & I've never done this before, so its a totally new idea. Its something I've talked with Jason about in the past. I would like to offer you some buddy-ing meaning a chance to talk on the phone about your struggle. Phone support if that's something you might find helpful? Think about this before you say yes! to what I'm suggesting its not an easy option though. If you think it would be helpful contact Jason & I have given him permission to give you my email & phone number. I'm NOT going to publish my details here on the site due to being spammed badly in the past I hope you will understand its nothing personal at all. Let me know what you would like to do? Please first of all just send me an email & we will take it from there.

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Dear Alex,

Thank you very much for your reply and it's indeed very kind of you to offer to help me out with this problem. I know very much the underlying reasons for the fixation, but knowing and being advised by some one who's beaten it will help even further.

I will think over it as I know it's challenging and I'll have to be honest to myself and will also have to shed all inhibitions before I speak with you. I will try & contact Jason and request him for you contact once I've thought over it.

But I do thank you once again for replying to me. Hope to speak with you soon.
A

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Hi Adalrich,

Knowing something in your mind is one thing, feeling it, & experiencing it is something entirely different. With a porn obsession or fixation the energy needs to shift from a rather airy mental level (images & fantasies) back slowly into the physical body i.e. it needs to be slowly gradually re-grounded this is a subtle & complex process. Porn is like sex in the head rather than sex with the physical body. They are two entirely different modes. Two entirely different experiences & states of being.

**I'm NOT really offering advise as such my role would be to help you shift the focus, shift the energy, help re-balance the energy if you like. Its more a healing process perhaps. My role is to be a mirror for you, you will hopefully discover your own answers. Its NOT for me to give you any answers let alone my own answers. As no two people or situations are the same, different circumstances require different answers. My job would be to help you reach your own specific answers.

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Further more there is no need to "shed anything" let alone your inhibitions before you contact me, you just need to be entirely yourself as you normally are. I'm not asking you to even try to be anything else other than who and how you normally are. Just be your self nothing more. Look forwards to talking with you at some point.

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I've got a question that I hope you don't mind me asking... I've been thinking about it constontally and realized it's not somethng I can answer myself... The question is do porn addicts disearve forgiveness? Would you, who has been so deaply hurt by one, forgive him? I guess what I'm really after is knowing if forgiveness is even possible... I need to know

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Hey alex,
I've been reading your comments lately and you started to explain some of what was happening to me. For a while I couldn't feel any of my emotions... Even now they are dull, not as strong as they used to be. I've often practiced "bottleing" my feelings and I guess what I really want to do is "unbottle" them cuz I want to feel alive; I want to care again. I've tried on my own and all I feel is worthlessness and sadness... Any advice would be very helpful

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Hi Z,

Some very good questions there. In my opinion, porn addicts deserve forgiveness when they commit to change and take some positive steps towards it. It really has to be earned. Unfortunately, if a partner displays forgiveness before that point, the addict might interpret it as permission to continue. But once honest, real progress has been made, I think forgiveness is possible.

Bottling up our feelings is a natural coping mechanism. But you are right - the more we suppress painful feelings, the harder it is to release them. We numb ourselves in order to get through the days, but it can feel like a state of half-living.

So in order to open up, we need to be in a place where we feel sufficient security and confidence. Sometimes that means reaching out to others, and sometimes it requires letting people or situations go. We might need to ask ourselves how to reach that essential space.

Jason

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Dear Jason,
dang that was very well spoken, if I do say so my self. I think u r right but I find it very hard to trust ppl. I've been betraied far too many times to trust people. I figure if my best friend can betray me and my mom does too then who can you trust? When it comes to friends, well let's just say I try to keep them as far away cuz I don't want them to be hurt by my mistake. But I realize, no adknoledge that I do need to let a few things go. And I need to learn to trust ppl again. Thanks for the advice

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I totally agree with Jason when he said if you forgive too soon it seems like its not a big deal.
I find it interesting enough how my husband got it together and started working on his porn issue only when I had enough and I was about to walk out of the door. I had been understanding for two years and it looked like he was even trying to work on it. How come he realized it was a problem when I couldn't deal with it anymore.
I forgave my husband. I didn't forget though. I kept my hurt and anger inside of me and I started acting out in ways I never had before. I created problems for myself by forgiving him over and over for a long time.
I've made a decision now, somebody HAS to earn forgiveness. I will not forgive just because I love!!!!

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Dear f,
I think it's awesome you are forgiving him. I used to do the same thing with my mom. She would tell people my secorites and I would get mad. She would ask me to forgive her and I told her I did. But I remembered how she had betraied me and bottled my anger. At the time I would have told anyone that I had forgiven her, but as I reflect on it now I realize I never really forgave her on the inside. I just said words I really didn't mean. I just thought I did. I think to really forgive her I need to deal with my issues with her and move on. I need to trust her again to forgive her, but that doesn't mean I need to bring back up the issue cuz this is all on me. But that's just what I think; what about you?

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