Can porn turn my husband gay?
He says he isn't gay. He says he can't imagine getting it on with another man. So how did those gay porn or chatroom sites get into his internet history?
It's not uncommon for wives or girlfriends to discover that their partner has been exploring the homoerotic side of the internet. And whatever your attitude towards pornography may be, it's going to throw up some piercing questions. So what's really going on with his little sideline?
Firstly, it's not necessarily a signal that he's about to disappear into the sunset with the guy next door.
Homosexuality, bisexuality, fetish... it's natural for guys to view these realms with some curiosity, regardless of their sexual orientation. In the realms of fantasy, I don't believe in any set boundary of 'straightness' or 'normality'. That's a good thing too - the sexual imagination would be a boring place otherwise.
There is cause for concern if his online adventures suggest an escalating porn habit. When we spend too much time seeking out porn, the straight, vanilla stuff can become humdrum. When porn is relied upon to deliver a reality-numbing thrill, we find ourselves exploring the once unthinkable. For many guys, gay porn delivers. It feels intriguing and out-there.
In the case of porn addiction, the consequences for him and his partner can be troubling. Obsessive, porn-fuelled fantasy can blur with real-world expectation. He may question his sexuality. He may neglect his partner in preference for exotic online stimulation. Porn addiction has a deluding effect. He might get into regrettable situations with contact sites, webcams and the contemplation of real-life meets with male strangers. I don't need to detail the potential risks of those encounters.
So if you've uncovered a partner's penchant for gay sites, are we talking harmless, healthy curiosity or potentially damaging porn habit? From my understanding of the majority of guys who harbour some curiosity, compared to the minority who fall into the porn addiction trap, there really may not be such a cause for concern.
For partners facing this confusing discovery, the evidence in your relationship can reveal more than the evidence on the computer. What do his levels of intimacy and physical desire for you suggest? Does he seem distracted or distant? Are there indications of relationship neglect?
If the signs suggest an out-of-control relationship with porn, there are ways that couples can work together to address the problem. I don't understate the considerable challenges that this presents, but it is an issue of addiction rather than sexuality. For worried partners, this can offer some small yet precious focus for moving forward.
Porn Game Over is Jason's self-help plan for quitting the habit. Click here for a fresh approach to internet pornography addiction...
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21 comments
this is really interesting
this is really interesting and i never realised that straight guys would look at gay porn for any reason. my husband (a recovering pornography addict) says that he thought about it but would always find it repulsive when he saw it. to think that a straight guy could start meeting other guys shows just how powerful porn can be
As a proudly gay guy, I'd
As a proudly gay guy, I'd just like to add that gay guys can get into problems with porn too.
I think it's fair to say that the gay community doesn't have such a big hangup about porn, so we are less likely to get hooked. However, I have friends who admit they watch too much porn, usually when a relationship isn't working out. Porn is fun, but can take up too much time in your life.
Nx
I've just been searching for
I've just been searching for help with exactly this situation. Thank you Jason ... it gives me hope.
Same here, and i have
Same here, and i have concluded that i have been feeling a void and subconsciously i have been trying to fill it with porn,,,, and since regular porn wasn't what is was before i started to explore,, therefore i started to doubt about my sexuality and there i am.
i thought i was bisexual since i feel attracted to both (straight and gay porn) but when it comes to think about doing something with a gay guy i feel terrible.
maybe the void is feeling loved and low self steem,,,,,
just wanted to share
I recently confirmed that my
I recently confirmed that my husband has been viewing porn for years... what I did NOT know is that he was viewing "She male Erotica sites." He has finally admitted to looking at porn, but I am wondering if there might have homosexual tendencies. I am soooo confused and hurt right now and he states that the only reason he looked at the trannie sites was because he was "curious." I don't believe him. what do you guys think?
What a great blog, and
What a great blog, and probably one of the most educated and insightful posts I've ever seen on the topic. I've been married to my husband for a year, but we've been close friends for nearly 10 years. I knew my husband watched a lot of porn before we got married (he was single for a long time before me) as his ex-wife never had sex with him. The porn never bothered me, to be honest. But in the last two weeks, I've discovered that he's started reading gay male erotica. I know he's always liked reading erotica (it's something we have in common) and used to frequent literotica.com. But I accidentily discovered he's been reading a lot at nifty.com, which is a gay/bi site, and he's only been reading in the gay male erotica section. Yes, I was shocked to a degree. He's always been extremely honest about watching porn, which made it okay to me. But I've noticed he's gotten shifty like he's hiding something from me, like when he's reading this literature and I walk into the room. I admit that it's caused some insecurities because I can't stand that he's hiding something from me. But your article has kind of confirmed what I'm feeling - that straight men can be curious without being gay. And also, like you said, if you look at/read enough porn, you're likely to get bored and venture into other territories, which doesn't make you gay. Also, I haven't seen anywhere that he's watching gay porn or looking at pics - nothing else except the gay erotica. I am thinking he's probably embarassed or ashamed of this and that's why he feels he might need to hide it, even though it's a nonissue. Anyway, just wanted to share my story and thank you for this post.
Great blog post! Thank you so
Great blog post! Thank you so much! Porn addiction is a huge problem for many men and some women. The problem with porn is that the endorphin rush is addictive - something feels thrilling and novel and of course, we want more of it. The big issue is that porn addiction can escalate and then men become numb to garden variety pleasures of intimate love making with their partners.
As a result I really advocate that men and women stay away from porn for the most part. That may sound radical and regressive and conservative and I'm anything but that but I believe that anything that dillutes our natural physical response systems is dangerous.
On the issue of straight men watching gay porn - many do and it's usually those that need to escalate their sources of stimulation because they've run through many other options in straight porn or girl on girl or fetish and domination, etc. Once all of that stops providing a rush, some guys delve into gay porn. This kind of escalation can only go so far - eventually getting aroused becomes near impossible for these men or comes to include in the flesh acting out in ways that are not responsible or safe.
Gay porn is great - gayness is hot and wonderful but porn addiction is terrible! I feel for any woman involved with a man who is hiding porn addiction or a bisexual lifestyle - our partners should be honest with us. Life is too short to live in secret.
Hello, I just found out about
Hello, I just found out about six months ago that my husband has been involved in bisexual activity with 3 men. I discovered e-mail correspondence that indicated in black and white, the secret life he had been living. He has answered all of my questions and believe me I had plenty. He told me after revelation that he had been bi curious for a while, even before we got married and the porn sites and bi/gay chat sites he was viewing/using led to actual physical contact with men. It is possible ladies, so you need to accept this and discuss your concerns with your husband before it leads to betrayal and hurt in your relationship, not to mention exposure to sexually transmitted deseases. My husband and I are trying to work on repairing the damage that this has caused to our marriage and he is no longer on the computer, however it is a very difficult and painful journey, if can be avoided is best.
My husband asked me for a
My husband asked me for a divorce about a month ago and during this time we have been having sex here and there still and just tonight I asked him to think about giving it one more last go. Well I just found out that he is a closet she male porn watcher. I am a little concerneed about this in that I might just want to let the divorce happen and leave it be. I did catch him before but he said that they were just pop up sites that appeared. "should have known" My personal feeling on this and your situation is that YOU need to decide if you can be with a bi sexual man or not cause like it or not thats what I think you are dealing with. Probably me too. I don't think that I can move past it. Even if he tells you that he has changed and it was a ONE time thing, you should probably realize that he is bi sexual and if you can come to terms with that than great if not you might want to think about moving on as well. Hope this helps.
Hello all, As you can see in
Hello all, As you can see in all the replies it is hard to say which is true and threfore it is a discussion and not the other way around.
I like to leave a website address in which I found a lot of trueness.
http://www.reuniting.info/resources/instruction_manual_for_primitive_brain.
There I found my answer to a lot of questions.
Also Sometimes I fantasies that I am with a man but it was only later that I realized that I play the feminine role meaning to say that in the fantasie I was not aroused by the man but by the part I played myself and the man was just what I call a "extra" in the play.
Important in this case it was that the man had no face apart from the fact that he had a beard. The man was typical male with chesthair etc. what made it easier to play the opposite.
I have been reading about it and they call this autogynephilia and in there I also find a lot of trueness.
Everything can be a little bit true therefore there are so many options and there is not just one answer.
Ending I like to add that for me it was just a problem with opening up my feminine side and the major problem I had was that I always saw the man as the active and woman as passive and all I wanted was just play the passive one sometimes.
Ladies out there: realize that sex is not just laying down and let the men do there "job". Some men also want to feel that the are desired and can be passive in bed.
Just a view from the other
Just a view from the other side:
Not sure, but I hope this will help some of the ladies and other men with the same questions. I am a bisexual man,....but, have never been married. I, however, date women and am looking for the right woman that I can be open about my bisexuality with, and hopefully find true companionship with as well as a great sex life. I really enjoy making love with women,....but I also like minimal "sexual' interaction with men; and I do go online and meet other bisexual or bi-curious men,... all being married to women.
If there is one thing I could explain to these ladies is that 'some' of these men are 'gay,' but in a marriage to a woman to hide from the hate they have for themselves for being attracted to men. For the others of us; we are not 'gay,' but enjoy sex with both genders, and prefer sex with an intimate (loving) connection to be saved for a woman. This is truly a lot more difficult, because if the female that we want to be with intimately doesn't understand our desire for a physical connection with another male on occasion, then we (the truly bisexual male) are left out in the cold,...and the bisexual male (who is truly a homosexual male) can move into the gay lifestyle and find acceptance and understanding (oh, and drama!). For me, and I think for most married or unmarried bisexual men, a gay lifestyle is not an option AT ALL.
Also, the gentleman above stated, "for me it was just a problem with opening up my feminine side and the major problem I had was that I always saw the man as the active and woman as passive and all I wanted was just to play the passive one sometimes." I think this is changing with the younger generation, as I see young girls with stronger, more dominant personalities, AND younger guys that are a little more on the sensitive, introspective side,...and both genders are becoming more comfortable with these modern psychosocial gender roles. I do not relate to what the gentleman above stated about wanting to feel passive (as I am a very dominant alpha male), but I have spent time with other guys who have wanted to assume a more passive role in our interaction. Be careful not to confuse passive with feminine, or vice versa, as these gents were not "feminine" in any way, but "passive" in the way they want to be dominated. And yes, I think that we want women to be more aggressive and dominant in the bedroom, but not like a dominitrix (as bondage and beating and whipping are scary to me), but just a bit more dominant.
I think it is really admirable that the women above came on here to try and understand what their husband might be going through,...you truly don't know how strong his love for you will grow with the understanding that you are offering him right now. Your efforts for not ignoring, or just plain abandoning, is all the proof he needs to make him believe that he made the right decision in committing his life to you.
AND yes, porn can ruin anyone's sex life. But ladies, don't forget about the vibrators,....how can we keep up with the perfect jackrabbit or small "back-massager" with a narrow tipped end bought at brookstone!?
"When we spend too much time
"When we spend too much time seeking out porn, the straight, vanilla stuff can become humdrum. When porn is relied upon to deliver a reality-numbing thrill, we find ourselves exploring the once unthinkable."
so if i stop looking at porn, stop looking at fhm, maxim, and all those other magazine with pictures of hot women, and stop my porn/masturbation addiction, will i be ok and back to normal after a period of time? i fear my addiction has made me less attracted to women, and its disturbing to think of what could be next, i obsess over this and think about it day in day out, please help.
Hi Tim, Many guys find
Hi Tim,
Many guys find themselves in this situation, and it really can cause a lot of stress. We worry about why we spend so much time watching and thinking about porn, how it affects our minds, and are we actually reducing our chances of getting a real relationship..?
If you're feeling obsessed, then yes laying off the porn is a good option. But go easy on yourself too - don't beat yourself up for getting into this little habit or any of the online exploring you may have done. As you'll see from the comments here, you're certainly not alone in this respect.
Guilt and obsession has a tendency to keep us returning to porn. We sink into despair for looking at the stuff, but only seem to get lifted by looking at more. We go round in bizarre emotional circles.
So I'd recommend giving yourself a break, both in terms of laying off porn and keeping this thing in perspective. Every day, guys are deciding that, for their own reasons, they'd like to turn this habit around. They read up on sites like this, get confident in themselves and yes, they are OK.
I think this is changing with
I think this is changing with the younger generation, as I see young girls with stronger, more dominant personalities, AND younger guys that are a little more on the sensitive, introspective side,…and both genders are becoming more comfortable with these modern psychosocial gender roles.
On the surface, maybe. But beneath the surface these inverted gender roles are likely to cause just as much hassle as the "defective" traditional gender roles they replaced.
"I think it’s fair to say that the gay community doesn’t have such a big hangup about porn, so we are less likely to get hooked."
And of course "hookers" are quintessentially female, aren't they.
I do wonder if this whole topic should be raised from "quit porn addiction" to "quit prostitute addiction".
This message is for Tim
This message is for Tim above. I hear you about exploring in your mind the once unthinkable. I really didn't think that I could ever have a problem with porn affecting my relationships, but then it did. I had always been attracted to women growing up, and all of my crushes were on girls. However, because of my Christian background, I thought it would be better to look at porn than do the "real thing" since that was more lustful and harmful. Turns out, it affected my arousal with women. At age 27, because I could not achieve climax (although actual intercourse was not involved), it made me think the unthinkable, that I could be a gay. I don't really have anything against gay people, but this would pretty much shatter my world. I sometimes fantasize about men, just to see its affect on me, but really can't even believe I would have those thoughts. I have never seen a man, and said, wow, he is attractive or, thought that I was drawn to another man. I do not think I would have ever thought about a man if it were not for my escalating porn addiction. I can not be absolutely sure though. I feel so screwed up, I wonder sometimes if I will ever have a normal relationship with a woman who loves me. I am attracted to women, and notice beautiful women, but I feel that porn has ruined my ability to get very aroused by women. I am still a virgin and am afraid to have sex, since I don't want to have a bad outcome. If there are any young guys out there thinking that porn is less "sinful" than the real thing, trust me, trust me, trust me, go for the real thing. Porn screws with your mind. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated. Thanks.
for georgiaguy, i totally
for georgiaguy,
i totally agree with you. same thing. i was attracted to girls when i was younger, but now nothing happens. i try to just think about having sex with a woman and there is nothing there. porn is just too much for one person to handle.
[...] he really gay/bi and
[...] he really gay/bi and just in denial? Not necessarily. There has been discussion of fetishism and gay porn fixation before on this forum. A very common motivation for porn obsession is a craving for escapism, and [...]
I've been married to a man
I've been married to a man for 23 years and found he was looking at gay porn 22 years ago. I've never caught him with anyone but then I never understood why it was so hard for him to keep an erection for me and assume it was his heart issues 20 years ago or was it his drinking issue or it was his???
When I discoverd it on the computer, conforted him, he admitted the truth and then denied the next day and ever sense... I've asked for a divorce and not even so much for what I saw but more so because he wouldn't own up to the truth and thus, without the truth, what do I have?
People should accept who or what they are and trust what you enjoy and go for it. I on the other hand, am trusting, that this is the right thing for me, even after years of loving my husband and thinking I grow old with him...it's not easy.
My therapist says, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, it's a duck!
typo: I’ve been married to
typo:
I’ve been married to a man for 23 years and found he was looking at gay pron a year ago. not 22 years ago.
[...] don’t think that
[...] don’t think that watching porn will introduce any significant changes in that department (see this previous blog post). We’re driven by curiosity, fantasy and the pursuit of something [...]
Taboo nature of gay porn increased thrill
I have been addicted to gay porn even though I would never want to be with another man. The attraction was fuelled in part due to the taboo nature of the porn which only increased the thrill of the experience. I hated what I was doing but seemed to have no control to stop. I was so disturbed by my actions that I choose to not even allow myself to think about what i was doing. I certainly did not want to ask for help because this seemed to give credibility to my problem. Keeping this behaviour locked up in a small corner of my life and thoughts was my way of managing this problem. So I hid my actions from everyone including my wife and to some extent even myself. I thought that I had managed to keep this separate from my life and that it was not effecting my behaviors or relationships.
I see now that I was riddled with shame and guilt and it had crept into my relationships and my thinking. When my behavior came to light it was devastating to my wife and I saw what I was doing for the very first time. Once this was no longer a secret I was able to seek out help and I have been free from porn for nearly two years. I have feared that i would be haunted by the images that I had subjected myself to but I have prayed that my mind would be renewed and I can say that I have not had to struggle with that. I no longer feel a compulsion to look at gay porn and I am sickened by my actions and the pain it has caused to my wife and my family. I can still remember what it was like feeling like I had no control of my own actions.
Though I am no longer plagued by unwanted thoughts or desires I know that I have programmed myself to respond to this and if I were to allow myself to look at this I could be drawn back into this addictive behavior. The power of porn is so strong that it can trap you by things you would not normally desire. I feel free now and able to look myself in the mirror. I would be jumping for joy but that my wife has decided that my behavior means I am gay and that I don't desire her and am just denying my true feelings. She has decided that our whole relationship was a lie. The only thing that was a lie was the porn I allowed myself to look at and myself thinking I had no ability to resist its grip on me. Porn can destroy your life.
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