Am I enabling his porn addiction by not leaving? - SO's story

Submitted by a reader on Thu, 25/06/2009 - 09:51

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Hello. I'm writing about my boyfriend/Fiance of almost 4 years. He watches porn.

I know for a fact that during his past relationships he has received oral sex from transsexuals while on trips, and on a few other occasions. Once during our relationship he travelled to Europe to meet with transsexuals. He claimed that nothing happened, but I know for a fact he brought condoms with him in his luggage (I saw them).

He still watches transsexual porn, although he has promised me 15 times now that he will stop and that while he enjoys an "aspect" of transsexuals it's not what he wants for his life. When we do have sex it's great-decent, however it happens maybe once a week and we've gone as long as 6 weeks without having sex in the past for no real reasons. He of course makes excuses, he's tired, feels sick, is stressed.

He is 35 years old and has a very successful and stressful professional life. I've threatened to leave him in the past multiple times if he doesn't change, and he will change his lifestyle for a few days, but he always returns to watching tranny porn. I've even banned all porn for a while but he claimed I was "not letting him just be a guy" so then I just made him promise that there would be no tranny porn.

I also might add that this is the second relationship that has fallen apart due to his porn issues. He is an amazing man much of the time, however with him I feel ugly and unattractive. I feel like I can't trust him not to look at transsexual porn and that he's choosing it over us (I have a 6 year old son).

Part of me thinks he really wants not to watch it and he talks about transexual porn like it's a drug that he has to wean himself off of. I don't get it. Is he just selfish? Is he really gay/bi and just in denial? How many times should I listen to the endless promises of him claiming that the last time, was the last time. Will he ever desire just me?

I love so many things about him, he is my best friend, and in so many ways the perfect man. I hate the idea of leaving him, but I hate the idea of him not being honest with me or himself about who he is. I want to believe he can be different but how long before I just say enough? Am I enabling him by not leaving? I've told him that I think he needs professional help, but due to his profession he's very reluctant to talk to anyone.

Thanks for all of your advice.

Thank you SO for sharing your feelings and raising these questions here.

Am I enabling him by not leaving? To some extent yes, but the answer is never so straightforward. By definition, an enabling partner inadvertently helps the other partner to avoid facing the consequences of their compulsive behaviour. When it comes to porn obsession, it can be difficult for wives and girlfriends to avoid taking some form of enabling role.

Many long-suffering partners put up with his porn habit, usually for the sake of the family or surface relationship. They might gloss over their private pain, deny it or even numb it with a compulsive behaviour of their own. This is an enabling role, often continuing for years on end.

But what about partners who try to take a stand? You may well have found yourself taking the porn cop role; monitoring and challenging his behaviour so that he can play accused or naughty schoolboy. In many ways, this is an enabling role too. He knows that his habit offends you, but he continues to enjoy the security of the relationship and the homelife status quo. His awareness of your hurt feelings and despair is clouded by the thrill of getting away with it. These are the bizarre games of the porn obsessive mindset, and partners are expected to play along.

Is he being selfish? Yes. A compulsive relationship with porn is an intensely selfish and solipsistic affair.

Is he really gay/bi and just in denial? Not necessarily. There has been discussion of fetishism and gay porn fixation before on this forum. A very common motivation for porn obsession is a craving for escapism, and the addition of gay or transsexual themes simply adds to the otherworldly appeal. But we can't draw any specific conclusions about your boyfriend. It could be argued that his behaviour on business trips indicates issues beyond an obsession with porn escapism.

Will he ever desire just me? Picking up on the point above, I would recommend that he explores his motivations with a therapist or counsellor. Avoiding this because of his professional standing is an excuse, a device of denial.

In terms of a way forward for your relationship, you mentioned a potential agreement on 'acceptable' porn viewing. It's rarely an ideal solution, but such a practical compromise can be beneficial. As a couple contemplating marriage, this may provide a basis for further therapy and discussion but is not an ongoing solution in itself.

So in the longer term, your relationship depends upon him becoming accountable for his behaviour and respecting your feelings. It may require a final ultimatum, but he needs to respond more positively than going cold turkey and showing sincerity for a period of time. The endless promises are another part of the porn addiction game; when it becomes apparent that no ultimatum can break a seemingly endless loop, partners are better off out of the relationship.

This is a fantastic explanation of "the dance" porn addicts and their partners engage in. When I was in the middle of this very insanity, I didn't think I was enabling my husband because I wasn't ignoring the problem. I thought enabling meant pretending it wasn't happening. But by "taking a stand" and acting like the porn police, it weirdly allowed my husband to take the focus off the addiction's destruction and blame me/the marriage for what was going on. He would tell himself "I don't need to quit the porn, I need to leave the relationship because we fight all the time." If someone doesn't want to acknowledge their porn addiction, there's no way the partner can win. You're damned if you ignore it and you're damned if you try to fight it. The only way to regain your sanity is to leave the relationship. In the best-case scenario, leaving will allow the porn addict to see his addiction clearly--without the distorted lense of "I'm in a bad relationship." And even if this doesn't happen and he continues the addiction, at least the partner can get on with her life.

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In my opinion, basically its his problem NOT yours, Yes its painful and it hurts you too I can really really sympathize with that because there are x2 people in this relationship dance. But the nub of the difficultly here is "his denial" and he is quite clearly in denial that there is a problem.

When someone is in denial like this they have basically put up their defensive shields against some other deeper or underlying issue. Also the issue may NOT even be about porn at all strange as that may sound, the porn may be just the drug (pain killer) of choice to numb out something else, deeper more buried feelings. He might well benefit from some good psychotherapy but it would have to be his choice you cannot force the situation.

**The truth is that sadly porn can and does definitely ruin relationships, destroys the ability to feel good emotional contact between partners, destroys the quality of the intimacy etc.

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i just found a whole bunch of transexual porn in my boyfriends closet first he started watchin regular porn then i seen a bi sexual porn then i found a whole collection of transexual what the f*** does that make him thats mad nasty i should say something but im scared of his reaction if someone can respond that would be really great let me know what i should do

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Hi KK,

There are quite a few reasons why your boyfriend might be watching bisexual or transsexual porn, and some insight can help you approach and discuss the issue with him.

For a lot of guys, this kind of stuff just adds to the escapism/fantasy buzz of porn. Straight porn becomes vanilla and monotonous after a while. It may be as simple as that.

Sometimes, guys have a fetish or fantasy that they just can't talk about, even to their partners, for fear of being judged. Porn allows them to explore their interest in private.

It's not impossible, but these reasons are far more likely than him being secretly gay or bisexual. And whatever the reason, his looking at porn is highly unlikely to be a reaction to you or your relationship.

I appreciate that discovering his taste in porn is a serious knock to your confidence and feeling that you know this guy. For the sake of your relationship, it probably does need to be discussed between you both.

I'd suggest that you approach him with openness - "Look, I've found this stuff, I understand some of the reasons why you might be watching it, but I'm worried and hurt. Can you let me into this by talking about it?". He needs to understand why you are feeling threatened by this, and you need to understand what's going on. That's the way forward, and I hope it goes well for you.

Jason

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Wow it's amazing how much harm some pictures can cause. It's unbelievable how addictive they are. But then again nothing is as it seems. The pictures represent something mention to be sharied by one man and one woman, not anyone with a computer. I guess that's why porn feels so empty and hurts so many people... And for what? A few min of mind numbing pleasure? It's so completely pointless cuz your problems won't just go away. They aren't just some video game that can be switched off when ever you don't like how you are doing, it's real. Real people get hurt cuz of our stupid mistakes and for what? God I hate my self because of my weekness to porn. I hate the fact that the only way to save myself from porn is to hurt other people by telling them. People I love...to see the pain from my stupidity written all over their face, in my opion would be unbearable. I can't do it, I need another way. Can anyone help , please, I don't want to see that look it is one of the few things I fear. I'm afraid I'll hurt someone I love by contuning porn also. Please I want, need out before I hurt someone I love...

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As strange as it may sound I'm in recovery from porn sorry your going thru this . I started off on porn at 12 . Watching teens, moms, and straight or lesbian sex. I then seen a transgender that fooled me. I watched them before I quit. Porn took me mentally to a place I wouldn't physically or in my right frame of mind venture. Gay porn repulses me. I can't look at another man private. Area. The illusion that they are women the reality is scary.

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I'm all for clear lines in a relationship, and if you set watching porn as a specific "deal breaker", then more power to you. Obviously there is a difference between watching and participating.

I don't think infrequent porn use is harmful, but I do see how people could easily feel that it is. What is inherently "wrong" with porn? Is it that he is fantasizing about other women (hate to break it to you, all men do). Or is it that they are real women not imaginary (have you seen porn? it is in no way "real"). I often make the argument that women fantasizing while reading romance novels is the equivalent of watching porn, but isn't the female addiction to romance novels overlooked and chuckled at? Even by those that protest male porn watching?

I will admit that it is a "waste of time" just like so many other things (TV, Video Games, etc) but what makes them a waste? They have no productive goal? I would argue working constantly, exercising, reading, etc could all be classified as wastes of time depending on the person you ask. Wow I've gotten really off topic, but I think all these issues come back to philosophy.

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These are great questions!

My main stance is that there's nothing inherently wrong with porn, and I try to avoid this site turning into another anti-porn campaign. Everyone's views are valid; there are certain things I don't like about porn and the industry, but that takes us off the issue of porn addiction. And I agree that the majority of guys watch porn with no negative consequences - otherwise we'd all be doomed!

So the aim here is to support and motivate people who have fallen into problems. For people who struggle with porn, we're talking compulsive routines, low-self esteem, addiction issues. Partners experience a range of anxieties too, from unfulfilled and zero-intimacy relationships to feeling threatened or offended by their loved one's behaviour. Sometimes this is due to a couple's different perceptions of porn and lack of agreement, so we discuss all of those issues here too.

The sexologist and relationships expert Joe Kort agrees that if couples could discuss and set clear lines on porn early in the relationship, a lot of this fallout would be avoided! Maybe one day :)

I agree that we shouldn't judge how people "waste time" recreationally, and that includes time spent watching porn. It's totally up to the individual. But if they feel unhappy or out of control, or that they are using porn to push down bad feelings, then non-judgemental support is available here... if they want it.

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After reading jason's comment I have to say this website is no longer for me. I have seen the damage porn can cause, felt its pain, and endured its guilt. How can you say porn can safely be used? This whole website is proof it can't, a website you created... It sounds to me like you are trying to find a way to justify using porn so you don't have to completely quit... Sorry but I don't want any part of something that thinks porn isn't bad and after all the pain its caused written on this website, i don't understand why you do.

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Hi Z,

I'm sorry that you feel this way, but respect your viewpoint.

In answer to your question, consider all the resources available to the millions of people who struggle with alcohol, eating disorders, World of Warcraft addiction, etc. Are these groups, books and websites evidence that wine, pizza and online gaming are inherently bad things that nobody can consume in moderation? No. Some people become dependent on these things and the resources are there for them. The same applies to pornography and pornography addiction resources.

A lot of people feel that they can't talk about their struggle with porn because porn is 'bad', so they must be 'bad' for watching it. There is moral stigma and shame surrounding this issue. There's no shortage of moralist, conservatives and religious advisers who will tell a porn addict that what he does is 'bad'.

But if that doesn't help the guy, and it rarely will, does he want to come to me for counselling or visit my website and be told the same thing? That he is weak, hopeless and 'bad'? No. My approach is to withhold any judgement and ask him what he wants to achieve. Does he want to quit porn completely? Ok we can work towards that. Does he want to cut down on porn so he no longer feels controlled by it? Ok we can work on that. The goal has to suit the individual. Telling him that porn is bad removes all these options and prescribes how he should live his life. It doesn't work.

In broader terms, I feel that we need to break down the anti-porn stigma. The guilt and shame that it spreads doesn't empower most people to change unwanted habits.

To address your last point, I choose not to spend my time watching porn and that's mostly because I have lots of other things to focus on (like running this site!). I can assure you that I didn't choose a counselling career in order to justify a secret porn addiction :)

But as I say, I respect your viewpoint and experience. If coming to this site offends your feelings, I agree it's not for you and there are plenty of other websites that maintain the views I mentioned above. Either way, I hope you continue to get positive support and motivation from somewhere, and I thank you for the posts and contributions that you have made here. It is appreciated!

Jason

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I used to be a smoker and would sometimes kid myself that 'cutting down' was an alternative to quitting. So I'd deny myself the first few of the day, skip my mid-morning and mid-afternoon breaks and try not to smoke in my car.

Trouble was, I was deeply conscious of every single one I missed - I'd be sitting there saying "it's ok, you only have to wait until lunchtime, only 2 hours to go...". I hadn't reduced my addiction, I was enhancing it by becoming obsessed. Most days I'd reach a point in the day when I'd 'treat myself' to the ones I was skipping. Within a week I was back to full rations and had somehow convinced myself that it was the right thing to do.

Another guy in my office had smoked for just as long and told me that he was cutting down - I chuckled to myself; it's impossible. Then, some days he'd smoke, other days he wouldn't. For him cutting down was a complete success.

I learned then that not all dependencies are the same, even if they appear so from the outside. (Incidentally, eventually one day I just stopped and I swear I never had a single withdrawal symptom - it's been 6 years).

----

I want to make another point. There are a number of struggles within us when we're battling with porn dependency and one of those is the dissonance caused by the simultaneous attitudes "I don't want to look at porn" and "I've just looked at porn again". How can that be? Am I stupid? The ego is in danger of considerable damage here.

But there's a tempting solution which is to introduce a new attitude - "it's not my fault". This protects the ego and allows us to continue with the unwanted behaviour because we're absolved from the responsibility.

In the case of porn dependency we can say that porn is bad, it's wrong, the porn industry has made it so accessible and available that it's impossible to resist. We can even develop the attitude that "if there was no porn, my problems would be solved" which is only a step away from saying "for as long as there's porn, I'll be an addict".

What's fresh about Jason Dean's approach is that he gives us the responsibility for our actions and that's the only way we'll ever tackle the problem.

So I completely understand why so many think that porn itself is the enemy, but taking the power back is the key to success.

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i read a load of the posts on here and its hard to balance all the pain that everyones feelin with the message that porn can be ok. sounds like Z is feelin the same. i take the point that just wishing porn had never happened isnt any answer.

i dont know. if deciding that porn is evil and rallying against the industry helps strengthen your resolve then thats cool. if hearing an expert say that a lil bit of porn sometimes is ok, maybe that doesn't help because it leaves you feeling tempted (cos its ok!). Nathan is right. the feelings and enemy is within us.

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Its not so much porn that I hate as much as what it stands for. Its not the same as alcohol or WOW because these things are only hurtful when they are abused. But porn causes harm even in the smallest amounts ( ask some of the wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, and husbands who's spouses only look a few times) and cause people involved to feel inadequate and uncared for. Porn is basically a mockery of sex that appears safe but soon gets out of control because that's the way we are wired as humans. So i don't hate porn just what it stands for. Kinda like the f bomb, its simply 4 letters that make up a word. The word itself isn't bad but what it stands for is.

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Z, I think your point is well made, but moral positions are not the responsibility of a therapist. If someone wants to stop or reduce porn use, the therapist should work with them to achieve their goals.

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Hi Z,

I think we do have common ground here. Porn does have loads of potential to make people feel inadequate and insecure, for the guys that get hooked and their partners. I speak with people every day about that and completely agree.

And in many ways, yes we are wired to overindulge on things that feel good but have negative side-effects. Television, junk food, porn. And there are some uniquely addictive aspects of porn; at least with food and alcohol we feel physically stretched and sick if we binge. Porn feels like we can go on and on.

So you feel than any exposure to porn is bad news, and I think it depends on the individual and their circumstances. Some people treat themselves to synthetic, fatty stimulation now and again, and some binge on it. For the latter, I think we're agreed that they need to make some changes, and don't have to live this way. That's the main thing here!

Jason

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as I see it is that many people are exposed to it before they are emotionally and spiritually ready to process it in an appropriate (for them) way. They, in effect, hand their sexuality over to the porn industry, and the porn industry then takes it to places the average person would never go by himself. I don't think that people who consume porn necessarily start out with particular preferences, but rather choose from what the industry has to offer and then follow the path that's already laid out for them.
I haven't seen a lot of porn, so my opinion may not be worth much, but in what I HAVE seen, not once have I observed any reverence, respectfulness, playfulness, or anything even educational, really. (In fact, when I'm having sex with a man for the first time I can tell if he was educated by porn by the way he furiously attacks my clitoris).
And some porn, like the stuff my partner prefers, gives me the creeps- how do I get past that?
A few years ago one may have been able to make a claim of viewing pornographic material for aesthic reasons- maybe- but these days that claim will get you laughed right out of the bar, or pub, whatever. So I admire you guys for your staunchly non-judgemental pro-honesty and self-examination approach. Everything you recommnend makes such good sense and so obviously comes from caring and experience. What strikes me the most when I read the forum posts is that the suffering is constant and very real, and you're here to help.
I love this site.

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Hi Joan

I just want to say that I was nodding all through reading your absolutely spot-on comment!

I openly admit (on here anyway!) that I've watched porn now and again and have quite enjoyed it. I used to watch sexy videos with one particular boyfriend and we even tried some of the things we saw, it was fun and innocent in a way. But the last couple of times I looked at free porn on the net it was difficult not to see things that grossed me out. For every erotic video clip (to me) there were maybe 10 violent or stomach turning ones. I could tell just from the descriptions or little picture.

This makes me feel even more distanced from my ex-boyfriend, who I split with over his porn addiction. I just cant be with a guy who seems to need that shit.

And like you I worry about teenages learning about sex from websites like these. They are only going to see films like the ones I used to watch (with foreplay and even kissing!) for 10 minutes before they run into anal sex and people tied up. Where on the website does it explain that this isnt what most people are into?

So reading the comments above I don't hate porn yet I kind of do. I want to think that quality guys can tell the difference and keep the porn influence out of their bedrooms. I dont know though. Joan says exactly how it is. I've had my clitoris attacked and been expected to like having my head pushed towards his cock. I dealt with it by taking the piss out of that particular guy but in the scheme of things it isnt so funny!

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Dear Nic
I have to disagree, a line has to be drawn somewhere. What if someone needs help killing themselves or hurting someone else; are you saying that it is a therapist's responsibility to help them accomplish their goals? No there have to be morals in order for society to function otherwise you end up like some politicians, and since such thoughts would only be told to a therapist it is their responsibility to to stop them.

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Also, I never said the therapist shouldn't help them, quite the contrary, he should help them quit.

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Thank you Joan and Lisab for the insightful comments. I tend to agree with a lot of what you've said. Recently there has been a television show in the UK called (I think) the Sex Education show. It was designed for teenagers and was often presented in an informal lecture scenario. And the objective seemed to be to correct many of the preconceptions they had.

One section stands out in my memory. A female doctor asked the group of boys where a man could ejaculate during sex. Now perhaps it was duplicitous editing, but the boys were shown to list every conceivable place (breasts, hair, face) before finally mentioning "in her vagina". If that's not the influence of porn then I would be very surprised!

It seems a shame that we've exchanged a lack of education (guys not even knowing what a clitoris is) with miseducation. And this is an important point because it seems likely that many teens are drawn to porn because of the gaps in their knowledge that it appears to fill.

But I'm also interested in the differences between porn and the erotic, between people having a medium with which to explore their sexual fantasies, and an industry which is designed to capitalise on our desires at the point of need.

No doubt, porn producers at one end of the market are being driven to produce more shocking and extreme stuff to gain competitive advantage. Yet there does still seem to be a market for less extreme porn - sometimes marketed as 'softcore', 'porn for couples' or 'porn for women, by women'.

To tie these points together with those made by Z and Nic, if someone went to a therapist to say "I enjoy looking at porn but am worried that my tastes have become too extreme recently", that would strike me as a plausible scenario that is quite different to a person asking for help to kill themselves.

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I have had two bad relationsips because of porn. Both men could not bond emotionally with a woman.They covered their addiction well at the beginning of the relationship.But after these men have realed you in the relationship goes South.For some reason they think we are stupid.It s equvilent to having an afair. They ignore us,they are distant,selfish,but in such denial.The last relationship was really bad.His mom,dad and grandpa supplied him with porn when he was in his late teens.His mom paid for subscriptions as a Christmas gift.Grandpa gave him 250 plus vhs tapes,dad gave him dvds.This man iseems to be a lost cause.He has no idea how to respect a woman and her feelings.One night stands have been mostly all he has ever known.Porn is his own hell.His own self distruction,Porn was the biggest problem we had but he fails to see it.Dad said I have mental problems because I wanted him to stop.Dad could never be wrong.Both men are loners,both men have no friends,both men spend countless hours watching porn.The secnd one owns his own RUBBER VIGINA so he can have sex with himself.,His dvd and his TOY. This has broke my heart but I realise it is not my fault and nothing I could ever do would help them.I do have a big problem trying to understand why adults would ant to feed their son porn.They are evil and selfish.Me I am sad for them .They both say they aren't happy.But can't figure out why..This all goes beyond harmless pictures.

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