After years of trying everything, I divorced my porn addicted husband

After living 16 years in a virtually sexless marriage, after enduring humiliation by my husband if I tried to be sexual with him, and after being in therapy for four years after our divorce, I can't believe that I now know why. Finally -- the answer.  A girlfriend of mine with a masters in counseling told me about this syndrome and I hit the internet and found this site. I had never heard of the term Madonna-Whore syndrome.

Until recently, I had never put the timeline together from the beginning, the escalation and then the obsessiveness. His porn addiction was insatiable. After learning about this disorder, my world has opened up. I am no longer carrying the burden of being a victim.  I was the victim and I was traumatized by the demeaning ways in which he treated me during the rare intimate encounters that I would initiate.  I am no longer gorging with food.  My professional mental health treatment has included treatment for PTSD because of the experiences and memories.  They are always front and center in my mind -- fresh -- still able to recall every detail over the 16 years of marriage.

And he had offensive personal habits that he would do right in front of me.  I am unable to reveal them even anonymously because they were so disgusting.  I became an inanimate object.

I'll take just a bit of time to explain the history of the life I lived.  We had a fantastic sex life during the three years we dated.  After our marriage, the sex dropped dramatically.  He began to masturbate in bed to the scrambled Playboy channel -- with me in the bed. Then came dial-up internet and he hit the porn sites.  His pornography addiction became increasingly worse.  I caught him a couple times in the act. It was humiliating for me.  I used to stay awake almost all night because I knew what he was doing.  Once I snuck down the hallway, laid on the floor and tried to see him around the corner to confirm my suspicions.  It was like having another woman in the house.  And he would leave his semen soaked tissues in the garbage can in our home office for me to empty.

He had boyish mannerisms when he was naked, he talked baby talk in bed, and he would put a pillow over his face on the rare occasions when we were intimate. The memories are traumatizing.  He would humiliate me if I tried to bring soft porn into our sex life, or toys, or romance.  He acted disgusted when I asked him to satisfy my sexual needs. I felt so dirty.  I was trying everything.

His mother and father had a very sterile relationship.  There was never touching, hand holding, and I don't think I ever saw them kiss in 19 years.  I would always warn my husband that I would not accept a marriage like his parents'. Nor would I tolerate the condescending tone his father used with his mother.

Ladies, be brave.  For years I believed I was not sexually desirable, that I wasn't thin enough, that I wasn't giving him the kind of attention he needed. I must have been doing something wrong.  I stroked his ego.  I tried to get him to go to counseling. I tried to be perfect in every way.  I began to take on his interests to make me more desirable.  Then I was convinced that he must be gay or that he had a traumatic sexual experience as a child. I actually would have been happy if he was gay because I would know "why."   And finally, after 16 years, I left.  And today, after four years of treatment, I am free.  I will never forget the experiences, but I am no longer paralyzed by them or use those experiences as a reason to harm myself because I thought I didn't deserve to be loved. My drug of choice to cope was food. My desire for unhealthy foods is gone -- like poof! After all those years of trying, there was nothing I could have done.

I hope to turn this journey into an opportunity to encourage mothers -- and fathers -- to talk openly with their daughters about healthy sexual relationships.  Let's make sure that our young girls become women who have respectful and healthy intimacy.

I am free.

Thank you M for sharing an account packed with heartfelt insights. For all the partners trying to come to terms with porn addiction wreaking havoc in their relationships, and punishing themselves over it, you send a powerful message of support.

For me, this story highlights the detrimental games that porn addicted guys play with their wives and girlfriends. Partners are cast in shifting roles, including sexual object, masturbation aid, mother figure, and taken-for-granted, trusty companion. Even when she is crying, dieting, trying to be perfect, raging with anger, pleading - defending the habit is his top priority. It's selfishness to the most painful extreme.

To hear of your eventual freedom is pleasing, encouraging and profound.