Addicted to dating and escort sites - was he just looking? Ellen's story

Hi,

I am a partner of someone who has an addiction and want to share my story. We are working through it, but some it can be quite difficult, as trust once broken is the hardest thing of all to repair.

I had suspicions that he had a problem with the internet, but to be honest I swept it to the back of my mind as I thought it might have been harmless. The first thing I want to say is - he is a good person and the last person in the world you would think could develop an addiction. Anybody who knows him well would almost not believe it possible of him.

He started by logging onto dating sites and got addicted to the communication (claims he never met up with anyone from them.) Then it progressed to looking at escort sites and the pictures/reviews on them. He claims he never used one though.

When I confronted him, his initial reaction was to deny everything and make poor excuses. My initial reaction was, to be honest, disgust and betrayal. We talked it through, I was fair and gave him the opportunity to explain what he was doing and why, how he got into the habit etc. It all started as a way to deal with anxiety and stress - simply took his mind off work, off everything. I had known something was wrong for a long time, but could not put my finger on it. I was almost relieved when I found out because it meant I was not imagining problems in my relationship. My question to people out there who may be in similar situations is the following. Am I naive thinking it never went further than viewing the materials online?

He claims he has dealt with it and the activity has not been repeated. How prone are people to relapses?

Hi Ellen,

I don't think you are necessarily being naive here. When he says that he has dealt with it, I do wonder how comprehensively and whether he has shared his progress with you? Has he taken steps to address the underlying causes of anxiety and stress? Have you noticed positive improvements in terms of communication, openness and intimacy?

If the signals are positive, then your trust in him is justified. It's true that many men browse contact and escort sites, but never take it any further. The internet makes it very easy to flirt with the fantasy, and this distraction can become a compulsive habit in itself.

To answer your second question, a big part of breaking this compulsive behaviour is learning how to manage slips and relapses. This habit will have become ingrained over a long period of time, and it is inevitable that he will experience old cravings. Being prepared for this, noticing urges and being honest about them is key. When managed in this way, urges can be learned from and can provide a valuable tool for change. If your partner can learn to adopt this approach, full relapses become more unlikely over time.

I hope this is helpful, and wish you both every success in your relationship together.