3 Month Recovery Plan and Beyond

Submitted by jjchenango on Thu, 02/06/2011 - 22:51

jjchenango's picture

So I have been searching for a group like this for months. I have been addicted to porn since my senior year of high school and I am now 2 years out of college. It hasn't kept me from being successful in my eyes because I feel like I have accomplished a lot. I went to great schools and porn was just an occasional stress reliever. It's not an everyday thing because there were times where I went weeks without it and relapsed and then there were times where I looked at it daily for weeks and then stopped. On average I probably do it 2-3 times a week but I can't be sure. I am sure that I want to quit. I want healthy relationships. I don't have trouble meeting women but I have trouble establishing long term attractions to them. I was pretty hurt after my girlfriend cheated on me, a time when I hardly looked at porn, in college. Although I am over her now and have had subsequent relationships, I see how difficult it has been for me to get emotionally close to someone. I guess I see porn as the relationship that won't hurt me but that is wrong. It's keeping me from my full potential. It's making me a slave. I see why adults tell kids to avoid drugs because once you get hooked it's difficult to get off it. Fortunately, porn is my only major vice but I want to be free. So I am starting this journal for me. Day 0. I will be doing my best to update daily at least for the first month and any words of encouragement or advice is welcomed. I invite anyone else who wants to join me in my 3 month recovery to post their accounts here as well. This doesn't just have to be my journal it can be yours too.
So here are the goals.

Month 1-Update daily-even if just a sentence regarding my journey.On more difficult days I plan to write more about the urges, how many, how often. I plan to not look at porn. If I have to masturbate,I must not use pictures. I am seeing a girl but I don't want to have sex with her yet because I believe sex early on doesn't establish a solid relationship. I will document the feelings and stresses of letting go as well as the benefits.
Month 2-Summarize month 1's success. Continue to update but not as frequently but making sure I update when I have the urges so that I can find support and not relapse. Tell what worked to decrease the urges..what didn't. Assess the positive outcomes of recovering and the stresses of letting go of the addiction.
Month 3- Same as month 2. Maybe weekly updates at that point.
Month 4 and beyond. Assess my 3 month plan. It's success. Continue to update when I need to for as long as I need to until I feel I can move on with my life. Summarize.

I need support. It's going to be a long 3 months but I know I can do it. I am not a slave. We are all meant to be free. Here I go.

It's going to be a long 3 months. But it's really for the rest of my life....

reply

One thing I found as a porn user is that I use porn as an escape to avoid real relationships because I've wanted to avoid being hurt again. Porn doesn't cheat on you, porn doesn't leave you, but porn doesn't fulfill you and I think it's the anxiety of failure that keeps me from getting close to women. No more though. I'm fighting back and over the past year I had a strong inclination towards meditation and Buddhism. I consider myself a Christian and a Buddhist. After reading the Dhammapada I realized how important my inner thoughts and awareness are.

Think about how your mind works. One minute you will be focused on a goal or topic and the next you'll be worrying about that bill, exam, deadline, or whatever. Our minds fluctuate constantly and the more we let it roam aimlessly the less control we have. Maybe we focus on porn too much, maybe we ruminate on anger or negative events, but the key is to reign in those thoughts.and steadily control them. In Buddhism, Manjusri is a bodhisattva associated with transcendent wisdom and he is often seen on top of a lion which represents his emotions and thoughts. The imagery is meant to show that like Manjusri we must conquer our thoughts and emotions and keep them under our control.

I have been using meditation over the past two years and it has helped me improve my overall happiness and relationships with people but I am still having difficult with fighting pornography. I believe the physical dependence makes it more difficult to overcome than just improving my overall outlook. It has helped though as it helps me quiet those urges.

So what are my plans and goals:

1) Implement the 3 month plan as stated above and maintain those goals

2) Meditate daily to gain a greater control over my thoughts so that I control them.-30 minutes during the 3-month plan. Carve time and do it. Take a timer for 30 minutes and focus on your breath the whole time. Sit in a comfortable buddha like pose for the whole time. Make sure you are in a quiet room with no distractions. NO MUSIC! NO CANDLES! NO CHANTING! NO DISTRACTIONS! This is a daily 30 minute awareness (I hate to say battle but you could say that) between you and your thoughts. You are confronting yourself. Notice as you focus on your breath how often your mind wanders. We are so use to instant stimulation with the internet, tv, etc that this may seem very difficult at first to just sit down for 30 minutes and do nothing. But in reality you are shaping your mind to have greater control of your thoughts so that you are not so reactionary or dependent on constant stimulation. Just notice it and bring your focus back onto your breathe. When your mind wanders reign it back to a central point. For me that central point is my breath. Others could visualize a buddha, Jesus, or an eye, anything to keep your focus. It's ok if your mind wanders. Just notice it and get back on focusing on your breath. When my mind wanders on to anything other than my breath and I notice, I think to myself "just like the waves of an ocean, those thoughts will come and go". I then get back to focusing on my breath. Again the purpose is to control your thoughts and emotions so that you are less controlled by anger, sadness, anxiety, and lust. Do this meditation even if you are having the worst day of your life because it is even more important that you do it. Record your thoughts on this journal if possible.

3) Track the number and degree of urges over time to see trends and progress. This is important because it gives you something to see. Create an excel for this. Make it discreet. Graph # urges as "points" vs "time". Graph your 90 days on excel and notice how your urges go down with time. See how many days you have left. The key is not to get to 0 urges but to notice the urges decreasing to show that your temptation is going down which gives you confidence that you can beat this pornography addiction. Your urges will fluctuate. Some days you may have 10. Others may be 0. But if you have 10 urges on a daily basis and you notice after a month you are down to 5 then you are calming your temptations. I'm sure there are better ways but this is the best I can think of right now. The point is to give yourself a record of your progress because it helps to keep you going. You're less likely to sacrifice a months worth of porn-free work if you are investing the time to track yourself than if you are just counting. Keep a discrete record that you can translate and no one else can!

reply

TOBDs Day 6

My plan (for now):
- Update regularly--either in this thread or my own journal thread (whether I relapse or not). I had in mind 60 days--that's about the time of my 50th birthday.
- Make this about my recovery first.
- Encourage anyone who seems genuine about quitting porn.
- Be honest as possible.
- Learn my triggers.
- Feel my feelings.
- Lighten up once in a while and do things I enjoy!

reply

Hi jjchenango,

I really liked your idea of staring a 3 month structured recovery plan. I would like to join the forum but will outline my porn-problem first and see if you want me lol!

Ok first and foremost, I'm a 35 year old gay man, so I'm hoping you don't mind me sharing my stories from that perspective. I won't get graphic and upset anyone!

I'll go into how i think I got into this mess during my posts over the weeks I think. I'm still trying to work all that out but I'm making some progress.

My addiction as is stands has been fairly severe for the past year or so and has really messed with my head. I'm a full time student again and back in college on a very time consuming course, but i love it. I'm funding the course myself and have struggled to stay afloat financially by working all the other hours of the waking day that I'm not in college. A frequent but 'manageable' porn addiction turned into a full on problem as the course progressed and I sought ways to alleviate the stress. But needless to say, the addiction only added to the stress as much of the time I should be studying or working got diverted into porn. I have literally spent 4 or 5 hours a day on porn at various points. I have gradually reduced this down a bit but I'm still getting relapses of the full blown problem on and off.

Everybody seems to have a different mix of porn activities that they engage in, for me my main problem is a sex-chat forum that I've been using for the past 2 years or so. Finding that chat forum in the midst of the course and financial pressure was really the catalyst to things getting as truly out of hand as they have done. Apart from the forum, I have viewed free video clips on a variety or porn channels, both straight and gay, and used fantasy and masturbation as a way of getting to sleep at the end of very long days.

I have been taking steps though but not to any great progress. I took up meditation and find that really helps, when i do it! Its easy to see a correlation between when i do meditation on a regular basis and when i don't. Regular meditation results in less porn activities whereas, not doing meditation leads to spiraling out of control again. I also signed up to the Candeo programme and have been going through that for the past year on an on-off, mostly off basis. I can't seem to stay with it though. I don't know what it is as it seems such a well put together programme, but i can't get going with it at all. I'm going to give Candeo another go during the next while but if I still can't get into it, I'm going to seek other methods.

The underlying story here though is that I have been totally inconsistent with my recovery journey. I have engaged the process some of the the time and then totally ignored it at others. What I need is some consistency. Thats why I think committing to this 3 month plan could help me. It would give a structure but also, give a small community of others to talk to who are in the same boat and trying to follow a recovery process at the same time.

As of today, I am just 2 days free of porn activities. Its always one day at a time so I'm hoping to report 3 days free by tomorrow evening.

Looking forward to sharing this journey and being whatever support i can be to whoever joins us. Thanks!

reply

I got through today without any slips, which is great. I started the day with a 20 minute meditation which set the scene for a good day. We had a lunch time BBQ as the weather here was nice for once (I'm living in a rainy country in northern Europe :-). And then I set into a huge chore for the day. I'm moving out of my current house share next weekend, and needed to get stuff organised so I can take boxes out to my brothers for storage. I've spent the entire day going through my stuff, keeping that which needs to be kept, throwing out loads of stuff that I don't need and piling up boxes and bags of other stuff for recycling and for charity. It felt great to be downsizing on all my bits and bobs and being busy with non-computer related chores for the day was a welcome change. I'm moving countries for the summer and heading to my home town for a few months work before moving back here again in September.

I'm starting to think more about my own 3 month plan. I agree with the meditation - I feel its personally vital to help me clear my mind and concentrate it on the task in hand: recovery. Moving home for the summer will help in other ways. My porn addiction stems from a number of different issues. Stress and pressure is the recent cause but underlying this are deeper issues that I probably haven't dealt with. There are parts of my personal story/history that I need to get some insight into. My childhood as a confused gay teenager had the usual identity angst that goes with the territory. My personal way of dealing with my difference was to make myself into wallpaper, so in the background that nobody noticed me at all. There are blank patches in my memories of my childhood, not because there are any dark secrets lurking there but just because I didn't like that period of my life and have choose to forget it. I feel its now time to revisit it and look at it with new eyes as a 35 year old. I've no doubt some of this will be painful but the past year has been both painful and cathartic as meditation and a growing non-specific spirituality has brought some healing but also shown me glimpses of the road yet to travel.

Anyway, its now 3.25am and its been a loooong day so I'm going to sign off. I've started back doing gratitude breathing before sleep, giving thanks for some of the good things of the day or in my life. I'm going to include finding this website and starting my 3 month recovery plan in tonight's thanks. Looking forward to hearing how anyone else is getting on,

Cheers!

reply

Hi all,

I'm now in day five of this latest attempt at breaking free. jj, thanks for your message. I think we might both be on a little Buddhist meditation journey judging by your Shantideva quote! It's a spirituality that I have been exploring more and more for the past year and while I'm no convert (yet :-) there are so many perspectives in it that help to see our porn addiction for what it really is (pure and utter Samsara!).

Things are going well but I need to be really conscious today and keep myself occupied. The past few days have been easy simply because I've been doing a lot of things to keep me busy that aren't my normal routine. Today though, I'm back in my more regular routine which is working from home, alone, on my laptop. This is a fervent breeding ground for temptations - I get bored and want something to distract me from the tedium of work, I get lonely and want some social interaction, I get stressed and need a relief mechanism, I get tired and need some rest. Unfortunately, my response to all of these has been to turn to porn viewing, to sex chat and masturbation. Non of which brings much release. I won't say they bring no release, l have to be honest and allow for the fact that there is a self-pleasure in the activity of watching or of chatting, but without fail, on climax, the reality of having wasted hours of my life and having succumbed to these painful pleasures comes crashing back instantly. The feedback of this is that I then add in self-disappointment, bitterness and frustration into the already existing boredom, tiredness loneliness and stress triggers. I know I'm not alone in any of this as its plain to see from other peoples journals and discussions that we all suffer from the same kind of triggers to some extent or another.

I'd like to share what I'm finding out over time about those triggers maybe...

More often that not, I just try to ignore them and work past them by carrying on with my work at my laptop. This just doesn't work. I need to step away from the laptop and do something else to give a break from work. The dilemma is that stepping away form the computer means not doing work, which has its little guilt trip. Also the triggers/urges can come on hard and fast at times and stepping away could become an every 2 minute thing. The flip side of this is that if I don't take the time out to calm/control/entertain myself then i will built up towards a full blow out of porn/chat that could waste hours if not days - not minutes. In essence, even though stepping away and doing something else might eat into work time, not doing it leads to a bigger chunk of work time being wasted. There is no choice but to step away.

I'm writing all this not necessarily as any intended advice to other people but more of a way of voicing my own thought process about how I get into these situations. If there is anything in what I say that has resonance for you and might work then great!

Something that might be of interest though is stuff I've learned from the Candeo programme. I have been trying to do the Candeo recovery programme for some time, and all though I have difficulty with it and cant seem commit to it, it does offer some really interesting insights and methods. I think I find Candeo overly prescribed for me, a little too A-B-C. One thing they introduce though is FRC - Face It, Replace It, Connect. The idea being that you can't ignore your urges, you have them and that it, but rather than have them work against you, they show a way to have them work for you - kind of :-)

So with FRC you essentially try to pre-empt your urges and your reactions/actions to them. You rehearse the moments when you feel the urges in your mind, visual yourself sat at your computer, the feelings that come over you and so on. Then you do a short session of what they call 'gratitude breathing' - taking very deep slow breaths in and out, while thinking of something you are grateful for. The idea being that this will act as a stopper or an emotion changer from your current porn urge trigger/urge - and it does work! for me at least.

the next part is the Face IT - you rehearse Facing those feelings, staring them in the face and seeing them for what they are, rather than trying to ignore them.

Then you rehearse Replacing your normal reaction/actions to the triggers by doing something different - a 5 minute meditation, play an instruments, read a scripture, read the newspaper, go for a short walk etc.

The final part is Connect which is were you are encouraged to communicate positively with another human being - either in person, or by ringing a friend to say hi, or sending a text message and so on.

You're encouraged to do this FRC process in your mind morning and evening so that when you have the actual urges themselves, you have already started to build in a different reaction, a non porn way to relieve your stress/ boredom/ lonliness etc. You follow the new FRC pattern when a trigger kicks in - you feel the urge, you immediately gratitude breath, you look at the trigger and the urge and observe for yourself what it is, then you replace your normal porn action with something different, then you try to connect with someone.

Anyway - thats another huge post from me!! I swear I'll write a short one next time. Sending positive encouragement your way guys! (and gals?)

ICF

reply

Test to see if I can post.

reply

OMG I CAN FINALLY POST AGAIN!!! WOOOOHHOOOO.

So for anyone who didn't know. I couldn't post for some reason so I sent copies of my messages as private messages because that did work! I did not quit already after 1 day! I just couldn't post and it was frustrating. ICF. Your posts are great! Don't shorten them unless you want to or need to for yourself. Do/say whatever! They provide a lot of great perspective. It is day 4 for me and I felt the urge but I calmed it down. Meditation really helps me. I may try your techniques ICF that I have not heard of.

So I avoided my urges today. I wanted to get some relief but not to porn. Just for myself but thankfully I am keeping busy that the urge passed. I'm getting better at avoiding focusing on sex. Meditation is key for me. That and keeping busy with work and when I am not at work I get out of the house as much as possible to avoid just sitting at the computer. I played tennis yesterday and biked after work with some friends.

Just a question.ICF Did you ever consider working at a coffee shop during the day or bookstore (i.e. bring your laptop there). One thing I learned is to shape one's environment. I.e. if you don't buy a tv then you can't watch it. Or if you spend your at home work days working at at coffee shop you avoid putting yourself in an environment that is easy to fulfill your temptation especially during the beginning phases of recovery when the urges are strongest. Just a suggestion.

We are fighting this you guys!!! I have to go work now but we are getting there. Keep up the great work. We are almost a week into this! Let's transcend the endless cycle of samsara. Let's go for real love. Let's be free! We cannot fail each other. Don't fail me and I won't fail you! Love knows no sexual identity, race, or religion. Love is for all people. Love is not porn or lust. Love is healthy. It's perfectly fine to be sexual as long as the sex doesn't control you! Go forth guys and gals. Our objective tomorrow is to avoid porn. Control the urges. Just focus on achieving today's goal and soon tomorrow's. The future will come soon enough. We can cross that bridge when we get there.

You guys are an inspiration and it give me strength to avoid it.

reply

I have decided for my recovery, I am going to keep my own journal…at least for now. My intention here in not to discourage those on this thread, but I need to get clearer on my own process and goals.

I admire the determination I read on this thread, and I am sure I will be checking in and rooting for your recoveries.

reply

Morning chaps

I'm enjoying reading this positive thread. Hearing about your experiences of meditation and mindfulness remind me of how I also tried those techniques, following a book and audio CD I bought on Amazon. It worked well too, both for getting porn thoughts under control and for general balance in my attitude. I definitely started to get more aware of the internal chatter going on in my head.

That was about a year ago and I somehow got out of the habit of meditating. I've had slips since, due to worries or desires for 'stress relief' that I know meditation would probably have helped me avoid. The trouble is that when the old porn habit is desperately trying to get my attention, it's so easy just to cave in and say that I'll get back into meditation tomorrow. Manyana, manyana.

You guys have prompted me to return to mediation today. Just for 15 minutes of quiet observation without distractions. I know it's going to help so thank you.

Ichoosefreedom - I tried Candeo too. Agree that it's really well put together, and the website and video system is very impressive. I think my struggle with it might have been a cultural thing. After the first couple of stages, the message seemed to get more and more conservative and 'Christian family values'. Not in so many words maybe, but it kind of teaches that you should only have sex with your wife, no masturbation at all, etc. Then I learned that all the guys behind Candeo are mormons, which I have no issue with but just don't think my approach to live is aligned to theirs.

Anyway, I feel optimistic and positive about the beautiful day ahead. Good luck to you jj, ichoose and tiredof.

reply

Hi all,
Great to see you back posting jj! I love your messages, they're so inspirational and smile provoking :-) As you say, love is the way forward not lust. I hadn't really considered working from cafes etc to be honest but yeah, it could work well. I think i might give it a go for a period of each day even if just as a change of scenery that will help remove some of easy-to-slip environment.

Tired Of - sorry to see you leave the forum but I'll call by your own journal to see how you're getting on. Keep strong and stay focuses on the task at hand: recovery!

Duncans, I know what you mean about Candeo. As a gay man there are few reference at all to my experiences of life, and while nothing is explicitly 'Christian family value' there is the underlying current of it that just jarrs a bit with me. I'm feeling much more comfortable on this forum! For me, this is working i have to say, I feel i have a little community of non-judgmental people I can now talk to and share where I'm at with. I've never had this element before in my recovery attempts so its going to be interesting to see how it pans out but for now, I'd really like to say thanks to you guys for posting and reading and just being yourselves on here. I don't feel so alone in this anymore.

Speaking of love, i'd like to share something with you all in terms of my meditation practice. I've been doing the regular meditation of clearing the mind, focusing on the breath or an object, or my personal favourite - listening to the world around me, but I've also added Loving Kindness practice into the mix now as well and I'm finding it beneficial. Essentially, after about 10 minutes of meditation just clearing the mind, I start to speak a short cycle of loving kindness phrases in my mind. I pause a few second between each so that I can visualise a bit as well as just saying them in my head. The phrases can change but in general mine include:

may i live in safety,
may I have mental happiness,
may i have physical fitness and well being,
may I have financial security and enough to share,
may I have awareness and determination,
may I have spiritual happiness and devotion,
may i be a friend to my self and others,
may i live a life of purpose

I got the idea of this from a meditation podcast where the teacher suggested that you just focus on yourself at the start, giving loving kindness to yourself. I think this is key because as porn addicts, we are constantly beating ourselves up about our 'lack of will power', or 'stupidity' in letting ourselves get where we have got and so on. Using these phrases can be a way of asking yourself (or the universe, or God - whichever way you want to look at it) for the life that you want, or reminding yourself of the life you want. At the moment this is facing inward to myself, 'may I', but over time I will start to turn this outward so that the phrases become, 'may we' and 'may they'. The podcast suggested taking the first week of loving kindness purely for yourself before you turn it outward. I think I'm going to make that longer as I need to build my self-esteem first and then be of benefit when I start sending the wishes out to other people.

Anyway - I just thought I'd share that as it seems a positive action that we can make within our own minds. My day is off to a good start and I'm working on keeping it that way, be strong guys!

reply

Welcome Duncan!
Wow ICF your posts are amazing. You hit so many great points and advice. I feel like our meditations are so alike.

Just a note. Please remember that you don't have to use my plan to post on here. You can have your own journal on here. All are welcome. Just please be supportive to my and other's plans.

So today, I avoided porn! Keeping busy helped me. After work I played tennis and ate dinner. I had the urge but I relieved myself without porn. My plan is not to eliminate masturbation but porn. My goal is to allow relief (the polite way of saying it) twice a week. If I allow 2 times a week for relief for the first month and then once in the second month, I think I can better control the urges. Ultimately, my goal is to just enjoy my relationship with my girlfriend.and not even need masturbation. I know going cold turkey is not as feasible as setting more realistic goals. I compare it to the nicotine patches.. Stick to the goal but allow yourself a transition.

I'm accomplishing my goal. No porn. Never again.

reply

It appears I can't count, I'm NOW on day 6 and not 7 as i was thinking, lol. Anyway, all going great so far! I feel better about this recovery trip than my past ones so, please God, it will continue slip free. If I do slip, I've just got to get on the bandwagon again asap I think. JJ, seems like you're doing great too. Keeping yourself busy seems to work doesn't it? I've been doing as many odd jobs as i can to keep myself at the computer for shorter periods. I'm not sure how long I can keep that up but I think its a good a plan as any for the first period of trying to ween ourselves off the addiction.

I hadn't considered the idea of controlled 'relief' as you put it. I'm not sure yet what to think of that idea for myself. Masturbation is so linked up in my spirals out of control that right now i feel if i do try a relief like that it might push me over the edge. For now, I think I'm going to continue trying cold turkey. If it doesn't work, then I'll consider controlled relief. Of course, as the days increase I might feel more of a need to have relief but for now, I'm feeling ok.

I've been reading around the whole issue of addiction and porn addiction in particular and came across this site: http://howtoquitporn.org/httphowtoquitporn-org. It seems to have some useful advice and some good links. I found a quote from someone that they were going to spend as long reading and watching materials about how to quit, or improve themselves, equal to the amount of time they spent on porn. Personally, I've wasted whole days on porn and sex chat so that isn't necessarily an option but I have spent more time the last few days reading about my problem than I ever had. So sometimes when I feel the urge, I just go here and read recover journals or i look for other self-help stuff. Other times I go play music or meditate or workout a bit. Seems to be working so far.

I came across this gem on someone recovery journal though - 'urge surfing'! You heard of it? Its another meditation technique basically. When you feel an urge, you put yourself into a short meditation and really try to explore what it is that you are feeling, looking at it, feeling the bodily sensations, the thoughts in the mind, the itch to act out and so on, and then as you would with normal thoughts arising and passing, you sit it out and watch the urge passing and diminishing. The idea being that we can start to realise that urges happen and theres not much we can do about that, but that they only last for a short period and time and then subside. We can't avoid urges, there's no point ignoring them, with urge surfing you actually get to analyse them in-depth and watch them rise and then pass. We don't need to act on our urges - just observe them. Anyway - I haven't put this into practice yet, but I'm going to give it a go today and over the next few days. Seems worth a try!

right - to day 6!

reply

Hey All!
ICF again great post.
So I am going to post more later but just wanted to check in now and then again later.

Further explanation on the relief method.
I compare it to the nicotine patch method. Porn and masturbation are connected and I think the dependency is too great for me at least. The goal is to get off of porn first, move towards less masturbation, and more healthy sex with my partner. Going cold turkey doesn't work for me. The chemical dependency is too great and I think the slow and steady pace of lowering the frequency and amount of chemical release in my body will be more effective. Slow and steady wins the race! That's why I made the 3 month plan. The agitation due to quitting or withdrawal symptoms should not be as severe as going cold turkey. The point is to calm my urges so I don't have a painful relapse. For the first month I only allow myself to relieve the urge 2 days a week (Sunday-Saturday). No porn. Only my own mental images and I focus on my girlfriend. In the second month I will go down to 1/week but 1 day at a time first.

I didn't know what to think about allowing masturbation at first too because it is so interconnected with porn but I look at it in a way that it's not the sexual aspect I am upset with but the dependency on porn and the frequency of porn's use to achieve that sexual satisfaction. It's hard to get relief without porn because you are so easily satisfied with so much variety. I am not trying to fight my sexual desires per say (fighting porn definitely) but bringing them to a healthy level where it doesn't consume hours and eventually direct it only towards healthy sexual relationships with my girlfriend.

I think with everything in life, I am trying to find a healthy balance. The meditation helps to bring that awareness that "I can't do it all" especially overnight. I have to set realistic and small goals. Meditation changes your brain and thoughts slowly over time. The results are not instant. I have to break big problems down into simple and smaller more achievable goals. For instance, my big goal is to get off of porn but just quitting cold turkey and saying I'm not going to look at it again is a giant step and which I cannot take because I have done it before (multiple times) and failed. I have to break it down into more achievable and simple goals. Easy steps first because I ultimately fall with giant steps. So I break it up to 3 months at first but then break that down to month by month and then week by week. I have a plan where I can move day by day and transition towards a new phase every week or month.

I'll write more later. But I am going for a run and then work.

Let's get through today! We are free today!

reply

Hi JJ,
Thanks for the explanation. What you're saying makes sense. I'd be of the same opinion in that its not the masturbation that I have an issue with, but rather the length of time and effort I spend caught in the porn trap - which results in masturbation/relief. Maybe you're right that trying to stop that aspect cold turkey isn't the way forward but I honestly hadn't considered the idea of timed relief. I've done fine so far and as of tomorrow i've reached one week free - if I get through tomorrow and at the moment there's no reason to imagine I won't. I don't feel a great need for relief but at the same time, I can feel a bit of pressure building in that regard (as one user put it 'the tanks are full' lol) so I suppose the question is do I continue cold turkey and see what happens, or do I choose to have relief as part of my structure recovery programme? I need to think about this some more but I really do see your point. I've reached a week free several times before only to have the whole thing come crashing down around me - Usually prompted by stressful situation which thankfully aren't around at the moment. I think can go a week without relief ok as I have so far this week but perhaps I should decide to give myself a little 'end of week reward' before starting another round of cold turkey for the week. Perhaps then over a few weeks I can extend the amount of days between relief to 10, then 14 etc. Hmmmm, I'm going to sleep on it!

Cheers all,
Be strong, be safe, be aware - we can do this!

reply

One Week down!!!

Hey ICF,
We're succeeding! Keeping track of my progress has helped and having other people to follow with for support has helped.

It sounds like your plan is working for you. As I've said you have to do with what works for you. I only provide my perspective. I only want to support you not tell you or anyone else what to do.

If you can maintain the cold turkey approach, then go for it!

I am doing well with my controlled relief method (polite way of saying it-haha). I know there are arguments out there regarding the health benefits of masturbation and how often you should do it. I have even read that the UK and Netherland governments are telling teens to do it daily. I don't believe this is a place for government intervention and that scares me because there are severe ramifications if they are wrong. I think it comes down to how it effects your life and that is dependent upon the person. If you are masturbating rather than writing that book, spending time with friends, or doing your work then your life can be severely impacted. All of us on porn know this. I also think masturbation is like any drug in that you can overdo it and become dependent on it. People use it as a well to deal with stress but like most drugs it doesn't completely solve or internalize the stress.

This is where my beliefs in the meditation tradition of Buddhism comes into effect.
I want to be able to deal with the stress of daily life by internalizing things appropriately. What I mean by that is that I want an awareness and control over my feelings and body when I am undergoing a stressful situation rather than relying on a physical outlet like masturbation. If I get into a verbal argument with someone or maybe my boss is a jerk, I want to be able to breathe calmly, maintain my composure, and sustain my happiness despite the frustration of the situation. I want to walk away not all in a tussle, elevated blood pressure, and angry thoughts.I want to walk away thinking "all is well and I have done my best to resolve the situation. I'm happy still". I don't want to ruminate and then rely on masturbation or porn for relief.

I believe daily meditation can help me train my mind like any muscle to maintain this composure rather than relying on drug stimulation which is out of my control. Knowing I have control of my thoughts (not external situations out of my control which I must accept) is what gives me confidence. I'm still learning techniques for meditation but so far it's working.

The controlled relief method is not perfect and those interested in it may certainly want to adapt it. My body is just so use to masturbation that I believe weening myself off the drugs released through masturbating completely will lead to a buildup of withdrawal stress which, has for me, increases the probability of failure or relapse. I love statistics and probability and I know this is a strange parallel but I am trying to increase my probability of success with getting off of porn through transition. I have been in the same situation where I could go for a week or two weeks without porn and masturbating but then a stressful event occurs and I then turn to porn again.

Again, keep up the fight if it works for you!

I do think there is a healthy level of masturbation and I am not against it to be clear. Just as long as that it doesn't negatively effect your life and that is totally determined by you and your sense of satisfaction with your life.

"You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one."
Henry David Thoreau

We're hammering our way through this! Let's focus on today only. No porn today! I and you have too much to do!
Going to play tennis after work! We are a week down!

reply

To anyone reading this - I got through a week without watching porn or going on sex chat - wo hooooo!!!

In the end I decided to have a 'controlled relief event' today and although it felt great, needless to say, it was also no big deal. I had to really think about whether to go down that road or not but in the end it was that fact that yesterday i had a short little fantasy moment in my head, as I often do, but for the first time in yonks, it was of a loving, caring relationship rather than horny sex focused. I decided that its not the masturbation or the resulting orgasm that is the main issue in my out of control life, but rather the addiction to pornographic imagery, to sex chat and so on. If I was in a healthy and loving relationship, I would be having meaningful and loving sex with my partner. The issue isn't the orgasm but how you arrive at it. I approached my 'relief' today by having no build up to it, no overgrown fantasy scenarios, just a short action followed by a blissful sleep where I visualised being with a loving partner yet without any specific person in mind. After a short sleep, I meditated for about 20 minutes. For the first time in a long time, I still feel good about myself after having engaged in masturbation. I don't feel I have cheated - I have used an action that will allow take some of the bodily pressure away and to resume my abstinence again for another week. I'm working on the idea that each week i will try and increase the number of days between relief actions with a mind of phasing it out completely, but we'll see how that pans out.

For now, week one is completed and I feel good about myself. I haven't viewed any porn, i haven't been to a sex chat room, I have meditated at least once a day, i have wrote in this recovery journal once a day.

Week two starts tomorrow. This will be a complicated week with moving countries temporarily, packing, settling in and so on. This is a good thing as it is more irregular routine that keeps me away from my isolated laptop life. My summer will involve working in a shared office by day and them some work at home but with family around me. I'm taking this as the ideal opportunity to break the cycle of my porn addiction. If I can start to beat the habit over the summer, come September when college starts again and the pressure returns, hopefully i will be in a much better place to be able to cope through meditation practice, through exercise and so on. My second goal of the summer is to fit much fitter than I am now, which will help change my body's physicality, and give me more energy.

To JJ and Duncans - thanks for sharing your thoughts and your process this week, it really has been a game-changer in terms of my approach. I have accountability and encouragement now, plus it great to share my process too and give any help that I can.

To everyone who has got through week one - WELL DONE US!!!

reply

I'm at the 2 month mark and I also masturbated in the early weeks when I needed to. I made sure I wasnt thinking about porn when I did and I tried to make sure it was over quickly, as I used to get sick of the time I wasted over it. I also didnt want to spend too long in case I ended up thinking things I shouldnt.

I tried not to masturbate though as i thought it was helping to maintain the link to porn. So I tried to cut it down. However if I was ever REALLY tempted by porn I would masturbate. As it is, I think I've masturbated once in the last month and that is from a once a day guy.

So yeah, use it when you need , but try and cut it down as I found it was just a little to close to my memories of porn for my liking.

Good luck and welll done.

i"m off to sleep before I succumb to all this talk of masturbation :)

reply

ICF and Nomad! Great posts. Really good thoughts ICF! I like your perspective about meditating after controlled relief and focusing on a loving relationship. I think referring it to as controlled relief is better than masturbation because as Nomad hinted to, the word conjures up temptations which we don't want to succumb. Week 1 is done you guys!

I have used up my two controlled relief sessions for the week and I realized how much harder it was to achieve relief without porn. You have to change your thoughts and forcing yourself to visualize a healthy relationship is difficult at first but it is better. I don't feel guilty after. I don't feel dirty. I feel healthy. Week 2, I am allowed two relief sessions but I'm going to go without it as long as possible. I want to see my thoughts change, while I have these sessions, to the point that when I masturbate, it's to a loving relationship and not to lustful thoughts. It's working and we are doing it guys. Just keep checking in! Take one day at a time! Good luck with all that life's throws at you. Let's only focus on today's soon to be tomorrow's goal only! No porn today okay? Let's live and be free. One day at a time! No Porn!

reply

Well done guys on week one - week two begins!

I feel as though I'm making real progress - not just in avoiding porn, but at changes some of the triggers. I was working late last night and could have got really stressed as stuff started to go wrong. In those situations my usual response is to give in to the addiction and get the relief/distraction of sex chat or porn viewing but for once, I didn't! I did get stressed and could feel the fire rising but I was aware of it quickly enough and went straight into a short meditation with controlled breathing. This only lasted about a minute but it was enough to change my emotional state back to something calmer. I returned to the work, saw the problem straight away, solved it and moved on - sOOOO much more productive than porn!! 1 minute of focus avoided hours of wasted energy! Really happy with myself for that reaction.

So week two...
My plan for this week is much the same as last week. I'm going to be working at my laptop but as much as possible I will do this when other people are around. I'll also keep myself busy with a load of other things so that I have plenty of healthy distractions. Long term, I know I can't keep the distractions up as they will interfere with my work load but for now, in the initial stages of recovery while trying to come off the chemical addiction side of things, I'm going to keep busy.
I'm going keep up and try to increase my daily meditation - 20 minute first thing in the morning, a few short ones during the working day and whenever i feel an urge or a trigger, a longer one when i get home, and a short gratitude breathing session before sleep. Once my big house move is done early next week, I'm going to get back to my running as well - healthy body, healthy mind. As for controlled relief, I"m going to try to leave this longer is I can. This week I went 7 days without relief so next week and beyond I'm aiming for 8 or 9 days.

Keep it up guys - we're definitely getting somewhere!

reply

It's really working!

ICF great recount! Keep it up. I am so happy for you and I am glad it is working. Keep it up and don't slack. Keep marching, fighting, and living!

As for me, I have been keeping very busy. So busy I can't write a lot tonight as I am going out with friends. No urges at all today after my controlled relief. I'm only allowed 2/week for the first month but I will avoid it as long as I can.

My meditation sessions have been helpful but keeping busy and active has been the best thing for me. Staying out of the house and involved in the public whether it's work, friends, or my weekly volunteering at the hospital has given me more to live for rather than porn. Meditation though is key to maintaining those thought positive controlled and focused thought patterns.

Anyways! I have to go now! We are doing this you guys! Keep updating! Keep expressing yourselfs no matter how difficult it gets., We are here for each other. We are porn free. I can't believe how much easier this is than going in the fight alone. I know it's just online but the daily conversation renews my fight. In previous fights when I went in alone it was more difficult. But we are there.

One day at a time. Our goal tomorrow is to avoid porn. Let's just focus on that!

reply

Sorry for the typos. I am in a rush. Also for the controlled relief sessions. I only had one yesterday and a few days before that. No urges today. I feel less anxious and more confident overall!

Until tomorrow!

reply

I'm loosing track of what day I'm up to again lol. Anyway, things continue to go well. I have had urges but they don't seem as strong and I've just slow-breathed my way out of them till my emotion changed and the bell-curve of the urges peaked and started to subside - I'm taking this as real progress. I've also had trigger images come before me and I've not reacted in my usual way. Sure, I felt an immediate bodily reaction but I'm not sure that there is anything necessarily wrong with being turned on by a good looking person, its kind of part of the human body to have these responses. It's what you do with the responses that matter. What's good though is that i took some advice i read a while back about stopping to treat good looking people as 'objects of desire' but rather, thinking of these people as having physical prowess as their particular gift from God, no more and no less than the different gifts that I have been blessed with. Thinking of someone whom we might consider as 'bodily perfect' as being a child of God takes away that lurid, seedy edge - it helps make the body something of beauty that can be acknowledged rather than abused for personal urge satisfaction. I have a ways to go before I can honestly say that I have embedded that philosophy into my brain but I feel as though I have made a start with it.

Today I had a really stimulating day going to exhibitions of work by students of different colleges involved in my course discipline. I feel fired up with inspiration after it and hoping to translate that into some self initiated projects over the summer. This is the part of my life that I dearly want to get back. Instead of wasting my mojo on porn, I want my energies put back into my creativity, into my daily life, enjoying the things that I am genuinely good at again, seeing and smelling the roses rather than being stuck, locked to my computer screen in self-destroying lust.

I'm wondering am I actually beginning to see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel?

reply

ICF, I think we are both seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. We are almost there even though we are just beginning our journey, I feel like this method is really working. 9 days without porn. I had an urge today but I slow breathed my way out of it and immediately noticed the thoughts. I said to myself that I don't want to let my mind control me and visualize women solely as sexual objects. It actually went away. I still think the controlled relief method works for me because I am transitioning and lowering the drug dependency levels that my body is use to is easier than the stress that comes with cold turkey. Decreasing the number of controlled sessions although difficult is a lot easier than cold turkey and gives me hope that I can transition towards more healthy sexual habits in a more systematic and reliable fashion.

Keeping active and busy is key too. We are almost there. Let's just take it one day at a time. We achieved our goal for today. Our only goal now is to not look at porn tomorrow. We can do it.

reply

I'm at day 10!! This is my previous porn free record so if I get through to tomorrow, I'll have had my longest time ever without porn since this life-disaster started.

JJ, I think you're right we are getting there, or somewhere at the very least. Having someone to journal with is really making the key difference this time. Before, its always been a lone journey and since nobody knows my problem but me, its been a very lonely journey, but I really do feel now as if I've buddy to help me on my way. I really want to thank you for your companionship and your encouragement, going from previous attempts, I know I wouldn't have got this far without that extra push. You're doing so fantastic too - today we're in double digits!! That's some achievement!! It's great to hear that your controlled reliefs are enabling you to stay on track. There definitely is a chemical addiction built into the porn problem so weaning ourselves off this slowly does seem like the best way forward. I had my reflief point at day seven and I want to try to get to day 14 at least before the next one, but if pressure builds up, I will go before then as a way to keep myself on track. The key here is staying away from porn viewing and sex chat. Relief is a natural part of the body's processes, but porn and chat addiction are not and I think that's an important distinction to make.

day 10! wo hoo!

reply

I was just listening to a podcast by Jacques Verduin on aspects of Buddhist teachings (http://www.audiodharma.org/talks/audio_player/2394.html) and at about half an hour (29.30 min) in he talks about something so relevant to our porn experience. Its appropriately titled 'Die Before Death; Resurrect Now'. Its all worth listening to but at the half hour in point, he talks about working with prisoners and looking at how they arrived at where they are. He introduces 2 kinds of pain. The 1st needs to be looked at and dealt with so that we enter the fire and come out clean but with the ash as the pain that is burnt away. The second pain is caused from not dealing with the first type of pain. I won't explain the whole thing here as he does a far better job on the podcast that I could do. What is interesting for me is looking at the idea of the length of time we spend in secondary pain relative to first pain, and I can;t help equating it to how long we spend acting out our porn addiction relative to the length of time that our urges actualy are upon us. More often than not we have acted out because the urges are so strong yet they do pass. Our issue maybe, is that we don't deal with our urges effectively. but if we did, we would be able avoid all the pain that acting out causes. If we can just learn to sit the urge out in some way, or more effectively maybe would be to analys how and why the urges re there in the first place, we might get out of the addictive cycle. This is nothing new of course but its just the way this guy talked that has reinforced it for me.

On a deeper level, we could also start to look at how we got into this mess in the first place - are we acting out and addicted to porn because there is something in our life that we just haven't dealt with and we are avoiding? I think the answer is yes foe me, and it goes back to my unhappy childhood as a confused and lonely, emerging gay person. I was miserable as hell lol! and have blanked it out as much as poss. Part of this recovery journey is going have to be dealing with those memories. oh the fun that awaits! :-)

reply

No porn today. I had a control relief session after a couple of days off. 1 of two allowed for this second week. My urges were really strong but I feel like the controlled relief helped since the drive was building up. It's easier to allow myself 2 a week than none at all since it use to be more frequent. At day 30 I will go down to 1 a week. It's definitely more difficult without porn but I feel like that is the transitional process. The good news is that I don't need porn. It's more or less relief that I desire at this point. In between reliefs sessions breathing and meditating help keep me from doing it more frequently. Keeping busy also helps.

My goal is to not need relief at all tomorrow and especially porn since its day 11 without it. Goal number 1 of getting off porn is going well. Goal 2 is to decrease relief sessions to a level where the chemical dependency doesn't control me as much. I can feel the urges increase at times but at 2 a week I am finding it allows me just enough to not go back to porn but keep myself from crashing. I can space the sessions about 4 days apart now. I will try to space it 5 days apart this week.

The key is to just breathe. It's working though. I have had urges but not the desire to look at porn which is good news.

Goal tomorrow: No porn. Live life. Get my work done. Breathe!

I'll check that link out soon ICF! Thanks. We are doing this! Day 11.

reply

Evening all,
JJ, its great that you're able to move past your urges. They're still going to be there this early in the process but the fact that you are working past them and keeping yourself busy is meaning you're getting an extended time porn-free that can just keep increasing in length. If yourcontrolled reliefs allow you that breathing room, then go for it.

I'm not sure what I feel myself right now, I don't seem to be having urges like I used to. I even read a gay community magazine today which had the inevitable scantily clad pictures at the back of it but even when I saw them, I felt nothing in particular. I'm taking this as real progress but I wondering where it has come from, it seems so much easier this time for some reason. I'm also a bit scarred that its too easy! But I honestly think I've tried so many techniques and ways of looking at my addiction that maybe I've just arrived at a point where all that self-training is starting to pay off - I really hope so!! The other way of looking at it is that I'm not in a huge pressure time right now which makes the process so much easier. If this was still the middle of my college term, I would probably be in a very different place. I'm just hoping that doing this now, it my relative down-time, will allow me to put systems in place for a continued porn-free existence once the pressure starts again. Either ways, things are going great and I'm working to keep it that way.

reply

Porn free today!

I'm really tired. Had a busy day so I can't write too much today. I need to go to bed
It's interesting how people react differently to certain methods.
My urges were high at one point today but I passed that storm by meditative breathing and keeping busy. I expected them to spike around week 2 and continue to be high for a few weeks after. I think by month 2 they will go down as I wean myself off relief sessions. The key is to keep within my allotted sessions and not seek more satisfaction ie porn.

I'll write more tomorrow. The goal tomorrow is to avoid porn. One day at a time. We are winning. We are free. The urges are spiking and I was tempted to view porn but thankfully I chose against it. I choose to be free. I choose a fulfilling life without porn. I choose love as corny as that sounds. Porn is not love. Porn is pain.

reply

So tired again. The urges were high but no porn. Kept busy with work and played some tennis this afternoon. The key is to stay away from the computer as much as possible and keep busy.

I'm hoping the urges will calm down soon. I know they will but I'm fighting it and it is hard. I'm succeeding which is good.
I really don't know how I could do it without the meditation/breathing. It calms me down and keeps me focused on the goal.

Goal tomorrow: Keep fighting. No porn. Almost two weeks. We can do this. Don't give in!

reply

Bedtime! Happily report no porn. Not much to say today. Perhaps I will have more tomorrow! Lol

Keep fighting guys and gals. Goal tomorrow is no porn!

reply

Hi all,
Been a mental few days - I've now moved house and country! I've had urges to act out but have managed to keep doing the right thing. Mostly it has been from the tiredness trigger but sometimes also from frustration. When things don't go my way workwise I tend to get annoyed. This is something that the meditation is helping but its still there. Even though I 'had' to get some work finished before I moved, I didn't, as to do so would have meant an all night job - resulting in being totally wrecked and weakened defenses. Happily, I went to bed instead! I still have the work hanging over me but I'm another day porn free - which is much more important. Moving home for the summer has also placed me close to someone I used to 'hook-up' with. So while I've not given in to porn, thoughts of past hook-ups have been on my brain a bit too much. Luckily I didn't have his phone number anymore but then I found an old record with it written on - so I've destroyed it :-). Day 14 = 2 weeks!! I had a semi-controlled relief this morning. I say semi because I was more tired than I would like to have been and had thoughts of the hook-ups flicking through my mind when I was trying to imagine a loving situation instead. But I guess that's going to happen to some extent - this road to freedom is going to have the odd pot-hole along the way.

JJ - you're doing brilliantly! 14 days free too!! Thats no small achievement. Urges being worked past or diverted, a life free of porn addiction - its all there for the taking, we just need to keep up the momentum. Week THREE starts tomorrow - how good is that???

reply

So, I was out all today and I am just updating now. I am tired and luckily no porn. The urges were strong over the past few days but none today. The key is to keep off the computer and out of the house as busy as possible. Even after getting home, I usually go out to exercise, play tennis, or hang out with people.

No relief session needed and I plan on not needing one for the rest of the week. My goal is to go without one until Tuesday. I will keep you updated as politely as possible on that.

ICF, we are accomplishing our goal. Our goal tomorrow is no porn! Let's just focus on that. Fight fight fight! I am glad the move is working out well for you. You will find love. There is a lot of bigotry in this world and I hope you know that there are people of many backgrounds who support you. We are all seeking the same things: love and contentment. That is the beauty of freedom.

Let's focus on making the correct choices for ourselves. Tomorrow is another day! We are going to win.

reply

No porn today! I'm realizing the key is to keep busy and when the urges come, learn to breathe and retain focus on inner contentment rather than on thoughts of lust. It's hard and the urges are really difficult but my techniques are working. They are not as bad as they were 3 days ago. I wonder if the urges peak at about Day 12 (at least for now).

The fight continues. I'm tired and need to sleep. Night.

Tomorrow's goal: No porn.

Fight,fight, fight!

reply

I'm tired and hungover and had urges earlier on but I didn't act on them and now they have passed (for now). I'm wondering have the urges peaked too - it is day 16 and that is definitely the longest I've ever gone without porn. The urges don't seem to be as strong, but then I'm consciously not allowing myself to get into the trigger states as much. Speaking of trigger states, my head is banging at me right now - bloody drink! So I think I'd best sign off and sleep it off rather than find myself having a relief action that is unwanted.

sleep cures all ills :-)

reply

No porn. I'm convinced that the urges peak between Day 10-14 at least for me. The past two days have been calmer. Here is a list so far of the fundamental things one should do to get off porn according to my method. It's not complete but it is what I have learned.

1) Allow relief sessions but space them (don't use any physical images during sessions)
2) KEEP busy/ get away from the computer. Shape your environment to avoid the temptation.
3) Refocus your thoughts when the urges come. Breathe and don't give into them.

This is what works for me. You can't avoid the urges but you can control them.
It takes discipline.
I feel a sense of confidence though as Day 18 has now arrived.
Goal tomorrow. Keep busy. Breathe. Control the urges. No porn.

reply

Now that I've moved it's not so easy to get on the internet. Which is good in some ways and bad in others. The wifi where I'm staying takes forever to load a page. I can use wifi at work or at a friends house but thats a bit awkward too so forgive me if my journal becomes a whenever I can thing as opposed to a daily thing. I'll do my best to keep it daily though as writing my thoughts helps.

Anyway its now day 18? Things have gone great but I have had partial slips from the plan in the past few days. I've not gone near porn or chat so that part of my strategy is still on course and working well. However, I've discovered that having a few drinks leads to the lowering of the guard a little and the controlled relief start to become more of hungover relief - something that isnt in my plan. It is good to realise that though and to try and put thing in place to counteract it. Its not the relief part that is necessarily the issue though more so than the imagery used. Its harder to stay within the bounds of 'loving embrace' when you've a few drinks down you. Of course it would be easy to say don't drink, if thats the case, but when you've just arrived back home after a considerable absence everyone wants to invite you out to celebrate. Luckily, the majority of that is now past and I do intent to cut down on the drinking aspect again.

Anyway - well into the 3rd week and I'm still porn and chat free - some going, even if I have had a few slips in the relief control aspect.

For not, back to the original plan, no uncontrolled reliefs, no porn, no chat - plenty of meditation, plenty of excercise, plenty of keeping busy with healthy activities

JJ - your plan is working!!

reply

The past couple of days have been less than perfect in my urge management. I have not been tempted by porn or chat but by an another old enemy to a healthy lifestyle - meeting someone for casual 'fun. Being back home has put me in proximity to an old buddy and the urges have been to get in contact and resume old habits. I really don't want to be doing that any more than I want to be stuck in the porn rut. Both lead to nowhere. Both lead to feeling like shit. Somehow, the porn urges have disappeared but they've been replaced with vengeance by this new/old issue. I think fight and the method remains the same though - meditation, keeping busy, doing things i love instead of things i hate myself for.

Fight, fight, fight. I haven't come this far to give in now!

reply

Disaster! - I slipped totally yesterday. I got complacent with my meditation, with my urges and gave in - ended up on chat for hours and hours - reliving the same conversations over and over again like i used to! This is really self-disappointing! I feel like I've let myself down - I'd come so far!

I'm going to have to look at the reasons why it happened but today, I'm starting afresh. I had made so much progress that not to jump back on the bandwagon immediately would be stupid.

reply

Its surprisingly common for people to suffer a setback about where you were. I think this tends to make them more determined to quit and then they tend to keep off it for ages afterwards.

There seems to be another "tricky bit" a few months later when you think you've beaten it and its all in the past. We've got to realise that as we're addicts the draw will always be there and we are sort of made to find the naked body attractive.

Anyways, put it all behind you and get to it again.

reply

ICF-sorry to hear about the relapse. That was a long time though so just pick yourself up and fight on. Analyze as you said what you did wrong and adapt. The battle may have been lost but the war is not over.

It is day 21 now and I haven't had a major urge in the past 2 days. I thought of having a controlled relief today but I am going to go without it now.

I am reminded of the race between the tortoise and the hare and I believe that my plan represents the tortoise. It is slow and steady but it is working at least for now. I don't the success rate of going cold turkey compared to more transitional methods but I can't imagine the success rate being very good for cold turkey. To me it seems like going from A to Z by skipping the rest. I base this on the assumption that the drugs release by masturbation must be decreased via increments. If you masturbate 5 times a week then you should work on decreasing that number incrementally and not going straight to 0. My method achieves this but you must first assess how often you regularly achieve relieve and to what.

If you look at porn 5 times a week and subsequently masturbate to it then maybe you should remove the porn but continue to masturbate 5 times a week and then decrease it to 4 times a week the week after that and so on. Maybe allow yourself the outlet but not the porn itself since that, as I have said before, is the first goal. Ultimately, this comes down to you and what works best for you. For me, this plan is working and pretty well. I've noticed that I haven't had a relief session in a few days and that is because the urges have subsided but also because I have been keeping busy. If you fail to keep busy, you are more susceptible. Join a club after work, get together with friends, date or be with your wife, just do anything that will keep you away from the computer.

My goal for tomorrow is no porn. Today was a success. Day 21. Almost a month there.

reply

Hi ichoosefreedom, Nomad, jjchenango...

Really enjoying all the positive advice and words of support on this topic. You guys are going great guns.

When a slip of some sort happens, I've tried to focus on responding constructively - getting the right balance between disappointment and optimism. If I just brush it off with "oh oops I slipped but I'm in recovery so no worries..." then it's likely to happen again within hours. If I get really angry with myself, I get the so-called "fuck-it" effect and hit the porn again because quitting just feels pointless.

I haven't 100% mastered it, but now I try to respond by spending 10 minutes summarising what happened in writing. Like a journal. What trigger thoughts and self-talk led to the slip, what was going through my mind as I turned the filter off, even what did I feel desperate to search for, how did I feel afterwards. I just make a few notes and put the paper away... it feels like it helps. I think about what I can do differently, and then read some posts on here or other sites or one of the books I have for motivation. I pick myself up and get on with the day.

Agree with Nomad that we're wired to find naked bodies attractive and porn is always going to appeal. That's natural and normal. We need to train ourselves to get that appeal in perspective and not let it command how we spend our valuable time. Also remembering that all that porn is quite boring (I always feel that afterwards - did I really see anything that great?).

Good luck to you all.

reply

No porn....Had a relief session. It is harder without porn for sure but I'm feeling the urges for porn and actually for relief sessions go down significantly. It's not longer a burning desire that I run too. It's still there that's for sure but I think not using porn is making me adjust to view sex and masturbation differently. It's a lot easier for me to avoid porn than it was 10 days ago. The key is to not give in now that I think I've past a major milestone which is the severe animal urges.

Bed. Goal tomorrow: No porn. Second goal: no relief sessions. Keep busy. Work. Have fun with friends. I've noticed that interaction is key for me. Spend less time with yourself and more time with others especially if you are in your own home.

Let's keep going people. If you have fallen off, get back on! We are doing this. We've all fallen before but it only means we must get back up. In the words of Chumbawumba, "I get knocked but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down!" Don't go pissin the night away with porn. Piss it away with your love! :)

reply

Hi guys,

Thanks for all your constructive comments about my slip. I really wish I hadn't done it but I did so I just need to pick up and get back to healthy lifestyle rather than porn 'fix'. Looking back at it its easy to see where I went wrong. I'm in a new environment in many ways, out of my usual schedule, internet access is intermittent, I started skipping my meditations and so on.

What was working for in terms of my recovery method was morning meditation to get in the right frame of mind, going on line to post my days thoughts here, working during the day, evening meditation, checking back on here for posts and reading other materials on porn recovery. Urge wise, slow deep breathing when hit by a spike, distracting myself with something i like doing - playing music, drawing etc.

Since the internet access at home is veeeery slow I didn't bother to login here in the mornings, so I couldnt post my motivation of the day, I was missing or at least shortening my meditation too much - just doing mindfulness where I was used to mindfulness and loving-kindness towards self. As a result I started to loose focus and when an urge hit, i didn't go into the slow breathing, i just carried on as normal with will power evaporating and the porn brain taking over.

The lesson from this is that I need consistency - the problem with consistency is that is something I'm not very consistent at! So I'm fighting my porn addiction and bad ingrained habits of being a bit inconsistent about things in general. But at least I know what I'm up against now, things is going to need a total change in how I do things so that I can be more consistently scheduled.

The main thing is that ok, I slipped and badly, but I feel ok about myself again now. I had done so well up to that point, beating all previous records of porn-freedom. Thats something to be proud of and to build on. I got up this morning earlier so I had time to do my meditation how I wanted to. Even if I can't get to post it on here just then, I think I might start typing up my motivatoin for the day i the morning anyway - then I can just copy and paste it here when I get a decent connection.

So I start again - with the knowledge that the method can work - if I do the work!

Thanks guys - I really appreciate your pick-me-ups and solid advice.

reply

Sorry to read about the relapse ichoosefreedom. I, too, have had some relapses, and still feel in the last two months I've come a long way. Hell, I used to think forums were a waste of time (porn was easier) and look it me now. From your writings, I gather you have made progress.

jjchenango, you are like a trooper and your determination to really comes through.

reply

TOBD, thanks. I need the encouragement. Fortunately, the urges are not as strong as they were on Day 11-16 but the temptation is there. I have not needed as many controlled relief sessions as last week. None today. I'm convinced the urges spike during the first two weeks because your body craves the chemical effects offered by the stimulation. Around that time the craving thoughts were definitely there. It was mentally frustrating. I would think about it as I went to bed but what got me through those thoughts was centering myself, breathing, and thinking "don't let these thoughts control you".

An analogy to getting off of porn in my head is like a car accelerating to get to a certain speed and momentum and then maintaining that speed. Getting up to the right speed (getting over the strong urges) is the first part and then maintaining that speed (staying off porn and controlling those urges) is the second. Here is a list of the key components that have helped me keep momentum thus far.

1) Community support (you guys)
2) Daily/frequent journal accounts
3) Meditation and breathing to control urges. If you absolutely can't take 30 minutes then just breathe through the urges and do meditation in short spurts (when you're in line at a shop etc.)
4) Controlled relief sessions. The point of these is to wean you off frequent masturbation. Don't use porn or any physical images. It's definitely harder without porn but it allows your body the chemicals it accustomed to but not at the same intensity or ease. The point is the reduce these sessions over the weeks so let's say on average you looked at porn 4 times a week and masturbated too it then perhaps masturbate 4 times a week and then cut it down gradually over time. My experience is that I did not need to relieve my self as much as I did the first week. I feel like naturally my sessions decreases in quantity as the urges subsided. Now that I see that I want to maintain that and cut it down further eventually.
5) Keep busy. Work, volunteer, hang out with friends, schedule things. Allow yourself "me" time but let that me time be away from private computer use. I try to stay away from the internet. I remember just going to check the email and then end up masturbating to porn.

I definitely feel more confident after going this long without the sexual gratification of porn.

ICF, Don't give up. Look at the successes of your progress and fix what didn't work. You went very long without porn and that shows that you don't need it as much as you used to when you gave into it more often. Don't feel discouraged or hopeless. We've all relapsed but no more! Sometimes I feel like everyday maybe my last but then I realize that I am going to succeed because I do not expect to fail. Don't go in expecting to fail. Expect to succeed! We can do it.

Goal tomorrow: No porn and no relief sessions. One day at time. There is only the present. God bless guys. Live free.

reply

No porn. One relief session today. Goal is to go without porn tomorrow and avoid relief sessions for the rest of the week. Wish me luck!!

reply

Day 1 of a previous record of 18.

I crashed, and badly. I tried to access porn but my net connection was too slow. Days of pointless sex-chat instead. I joined a 'dating' app on my phone, I rejoined a 'dating' website - I ended up having a 'hook-up' of casual sex and was looking for more. I was in porn-fog. At some point yesterday i realised where i was - seeing the fact that it was a beautiful day outside but I'd been holed-up, curtains drawn in my room for days. I still didnt stop but realisation was dawning on me. I stopped when reality came flooding back and the self-hate began. Ughhh It makes you feel like a piece of sh't! Why do I do this to myself??? From an understanding gained from meditation and Budhhist reading I know a this point that my only real enemy in life is me! but yet try as I might, I have recovery stints but ultimately I can't control my mind enough to stop slips, to resist the urges. Truly the Budhhists have it right in their talk of a need to 'conquer this mind of ours', of our need to overcome attachment and aversion. Porn is the epitome of Samsara - a never-ending cycle of hell, if you let it.

So I'm back, and its now day one again for me. And that's ok, I learned something - this is a process and not a cure. I wish there was a magic pill I could take and I could be porn, chat and hook-up free though.

reply

I got through yesterday fine. I'm back meditating again, I'm stopping taking my laptop home with me after work. I still have work to do in the evenings which means going back to the office but I'm less likely to act-out there than I am when I'm at home, closed off in my room. I also got to do my first run last night and feel much better for it. So hopefully I can start putting good healthy habits back in place to replace the unhealthy ones.

here goes...

reply

3 days of no porn or relief. I attribute this to keeping busy and staying out of the house. I've been out of town for most of the day each day. Also meditation helped calm the urges.

I am actually really tired now and don't feel like writing too much. I feel good because the urges are still there but they don't control me as much. I've actually seen a transformation. I feel like all that sexual energy for porn is now being transformed into energy to go out and meet people and get to know women more. Porn filled a hole in my mind and when I removed porn I had a hole again. My response was to increase my network of people and getting to genuinely know others more. A beautiful woman does catch my eye but instead of seeing her as a sexual object I actually engage in meaningful conversation and breathe/focus to avoid objectifying her as much. It's not easy but I see a difference between now and 28 days ago.

When I see someone walking down the street or hall with their eyes glued to their texting and phones, I realized that with all of our technology and ability to connect, we really don't connect with one another. We avoid real connection and porn is a part of that. THERE IS A PERSON RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! ACKNOWLEDGE AND GET TO KNOW THEM! He/she might be your new best friend, lover, or business partner.

When I meditate, I imagine that I am sending positive light to all people's of the earth. I am trying to increase my love for all people so that when I walk down the street, I say hello to them as I pass them even if I don't know them. I don't have to stop and chat but just acknowledgin others shows great respect and love.

Love yourself and love others. Don't give up if you fall once, twice, or repeatedly. Look at where you are today and compare it to yesterday and a year ago. Are you moving in the right direction and are the steps you are taking getting you there? Are you happier? Are you doing better? Change doesn't happen overnight. I am much happier today than I was 1 year ago and also 28 days ago. I have a long way to go but everyday and year seems to be getting better. We have to work for it and sacrifice things. I have and will gladly give up again mass texting and extreme phone use to gain a better personal relationship with the people that are in my community and vicinity.

Oops, I guess I did write a lot!

ICF, don't give up. Have you analyzed what you did wrong in your plan and what you need to do now to improve it. Look at the positives. You, I, and many others are moving in the right direction. Let's keep heading that way. That's all that matters. We will reach nirvana one day. For tomorrow, the goal is no porn.

Let's do this!

reply

Post new comment

Drupal theme by Kiwi Themes.