quit porn addiction

I first began looking at porn when I was about 13 years old.  I was in the height of puberty. A friend of mine sent me a “hacker” (so-called) application for AIM, and among the files for this program I found some underage porn photos.  Of course, I was thirteen at the time, so these girls were still older than I was!  This led me to search on the internet.  This habit only intensified as the internet speed increased.

We got cable internet when I was in high school and it was like opening a flood gate.  There were times when I was engaged in a social life and I was not that frequently using pornography.  These, looking back, were the happiest times I remember.  But there were long periods, especially as time went on, when I would use pornography for masturbation daily, often several times.

The habit became problematic when I realized that I was becoming very selective about the material I was viewing.  When at first a single picture would bring a quick orgasm, at this point, I was spending up to several hours browsing before I could reach orgasm.  I was only around 16 or 17 at this time.

My first year of college, I spent around $500 on pay site subscriptions.  After that year, I discovered pirated video sites and was able to obtain hours worth of video for free, constantly.  At the end of my degree, I experienced a depression, which I am sure was brought on by a lack healthy relationships in my life.  During this time, oddly enough, I began to quit porn.  I think this was due to the fact that my depressed mind couldn’t bear the guilty feelings.  This depression persisted for about a year.

Then, I got a job (not a career) and spent my days working full-time or more.  At this job, I met a girl that I had a real connection with.  We began seeing each other and quickly realized that we something special. During this time, I stayed porn free, but the depression and anxiety I was feeling persisted full force.

Flash forward nine months.  I decide to go back to school and get a second degree, and the girl and I decide to get married.  We set the date for next September.  I began occasionally looking at porn during this time.  Sometimes I would look at things that I wouldn’t have dreamed of looking at before, such as gay porn and bestiality.  This brought on real worries.  But, mostly I would look at amateur posting sites.

Eventually, I discussed with her my constant sexual needs and she said that it was okay if I looked at some porn. However, I began to realize how like a drug porn was.  I began to think about the high feeling that I felt in my body and my mind during and after, and then the lacklustre feeling that would follow later on.  I began to notice the escalation and the longer and longer sessions of porn use.  I decided that it was time to quit.

That brings me up to the present.  I have been a week without porn.  I am tense.  My sleep has been disturbed.  I have tried masturbating without the porn a few times.  I was successful, but the act held none of the rush of good feelings that porn use held in the past.  I am resolved.  I will not go back.  I see that in the week without, I have become more honest in my relationships, and I have been looking for life in my actual life.  But it is damn hard, I have to say.  I have a confidence that this struggle will eventually pass and my life will be much richer for it.  But its still one of the hardest things I have faced in my life.  I am 25.  Though I still deal with anxiety, I haven’t felt the feeling of depression for several months.

Thank you S for this insight into your experiences with porn. It really is a heartfelt and thoughtful account.

Many people find that their porn surfing sessions become longer and more intense. And it feels more and more like acting on autopilot. A big part of us is bored and jaded by all the porn that we’ve trawled through. But the habit instinct leads us on anyway, feverishly searching for that image. So porn sessions take on a trance-like nature; feeling peculiarly numbed and aroused at the same time.

After a while, our body really doesn’t know how to respond. Orgasms become dulled and less intense, literally going through the motions. This becomes an empty and depressing ritual.

You make a very relevant point about your girlfriend too. It’s natural for partners to underestimate just how strong our attachment to porn is. So what if he looks at some sexy websites now and again? So they are open and cool about it. But our habit just gets a green light to indulge even more.

So I wish you the very best over the coming weeks. And it may take some weeks for your reward systems to adjust. You are switching off a coping behaviour that developed over many years. This is a tough experience.

Please do explore some of the advice on other posts of this blog, and put in place a simple action plan rather than white-knuckling this out. Arming yourself with some techniques for surfing urges and developing a rational, observing self can certainly make giving up porn a lot easier.