What kids learn from porn, and how we can help

2010 March 10
by Jason

According to research, boys exposed to porn are more likely to:

  • experience problems forming intimate relationships
  • indulge in casual sex
  • believe that aggressive or violent sex is the norm
  • harass girls into emulating porn actresses

Dr Michael Flood, a sociologist based at the Australian Research Centre for Sex Health and Society, makes this observation about the influence of porn:

We know it is shaping sexual knowledge. Some people may think that is good. But porn is a very poor sex educator because it shows sex in unrealistic ways and fails to address intimacy, love, connection or romance. Often it is quite callous and hostile in its depictions of women.


It doesn’t mean that every young person is going out to rape somebody but it does increase the likelihood that will happen.

A worrying trend indeed. So what’s the way forward? Penny Marshall from the Daily Mail seems to favour a moral clampdown.

The Mail writer portrays today’s teenage boys as deluded, porn-saturated scumbags and teenage girls as vulnerable targets. She even found a girl who resents her parents’ forward-thinking, liberal attitude. “I wish my parents would say I’m not allowed to be home alone with a boy” laments the girl, seemingly failing to appreciate that her parents consider her capable of deciding for herself.


By mixing genuinely concerning statistics (54% of boys found porn “really inspiring” in terms of sexual performance) with shock-horror irrelevancies (Googling ’sex pictures’ returns 83 million results in less than one-tenth of a second), she presents the case for “making porn harder for kids to get at”. Then she concedes that this horse has already bolted.


So yes, that article pressed many wrong buttons for me. I’m all for parents taking more interest in what their kids get up to online. Install filters, remove bedroom doors… but the solution lies in talking to kids and helping them to develop real-world appreciation of sex.


For a more enlightened approach to this issue, I’m a fan of delightfully frank Cindy Gallop:



So let’s eschew moral panic and judgement. This is a call to talk about porn, and break down its unhealthy myths and ridiculous portrayals of sex. Educating young people about healthy sexual relationships is a priority now more than ever before.

My husband’s sexual fantasy is out of control – LP’s story

2010 March 7
by Jason

I found this site by Googling “my husband likes incest porn.”

My husband and I have been fairly happily married for seven years. However we barely have a sex life. My husband is certainly the submissive personality, and as I don’t take an interest in sex, and he doesn’t bring it up, it doesn’t happen. My husband has turned to porn for pretty much all his sexual relief.

I am not saying I’m ice cold to his needs. We do talk about it, and we say we will both try. But I am always the one who takes the lead in this relationship, and in this I would like it to be a mutual effort. Which is what I have told him. But instead he turns to porn, because it is so much easier.

Now to yesterday.

The motherboard of my computer blew up two weeks ago, and I have been using my husband’s computer. Yesterday I was posting something on Craigslist. I saved a photo from the internet in the photo directory it defaulted to, and then went to post it. There were a lot of files in the directory, and so I went to “view thumbnails” to find my image. And lo and behold, what did I discover but directory containing photos of myself when I was 14 or 15, penises, and my father. He had to really search to find these photos, and put them together.

I feel like this is the worst violation. I have to admit, I knew he had a bit of an interest in “incest porn”. We talked about fantasies went we were first dating, and it was one he mentioned. It never came up again, and I did not realize the extent. Or that his fantasy now involved myself and my father.

Now I feel I have to separate him from my parents, which is hard as we live within miles of each other and I am very close with my mother. Not only that, but we were planning to have children. I don’t see how it will be possible for me to trust him if we ever had a daughter. read more…

After years of wasted time and ambition, it’s time to stop and move on – G’s story

2010 March 2
by Jason

First off, thanks for sharing your stories and providing a platform to share mine.

*edit* I’ve never before in my life reflected on this story, it was personally very sobering actualize my past. “Give me the strength to change!”

I saw my first Playboy in 7th grade and still, 25 years later, recall the jolt of electricity I felt while flipping through it.  By that time, I was masturbating any chance I could get to “swimsuit” magazines and just dying to peak under those triangles of cloth.

A friend of mine knew where his brother’s nudie stash was kept and introduced me to the intimate world of anatomy, I still remember those lusty photos to this day. Long story short, thus began a life-long voyage with pornography.

I grew up in a loving but pretty repressed family.  Girls and relationships, let alone sex-topics, were never spoken of. Never went to prom or dances, never had a high school girlfriend. Instead, I had magazines and video stores and their disgusting masturbation video booths.  I’m forced to admit to spending a God-awful amount of time driving untold miles like a zombie to stare at photos of nude women and masturbate.

At 18, I’d latched on to the first girl I’d met and moved out to be with her. It was a new town, didn’t know where the dirty bookstores were and frankly wasn’t looking. With surprising tenderness, we waited for months and respectfully and lovingly explored real live human sexuality. What a concept, though by now I had seen enough times what an advantageous 20th century women could do to a man. It was disappointing.

By the time I left town three years later, I was a known face at every adult store.  I would swear off porno, destroy my magazines, shred my videos and be back at the store a week later.  Heavy marijuana smoking until I was near comatose, a rented video and the night to myself was my idea of fun.

Then along came the internet! If I was presented with the accumulated hours I’ve spent staring at internet porn, I would likely faint with shame. Many times have I erased a single night’s worth of binge viewing and honestly been a little taken aback by the 1000’s of images I’d perused. Strip clubs, peepshows, the dirties, filthy sperm covered movie booths. I began, out of sheer boredom, to imagine anonymous encounters with other men and fantasized about every thin female I saw. read more…

Could porn addiction become a hypersexual disorder?

2010 February 28
by Jason

Glowing brainIs porn addiction any closer to official recognition in the psychotherapy community? Well, kind of.

The DSM (or Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) is the American “bible” of mental health. It is quoted by therapists, researchers, pharmaceutical companies and policy makers from all over the world. The DSM is also used by US health insurance companies to determine which mental disorder treatments they will pay out for.

Right now, porn addiction isn’t recognised by the DSM. Neither is sex addiction or internet addiction. In fact, the DSM doesn’t like the addiction word at all. But this might all change in the fifth revision, due to be released in 2013. Some proposed changes are:

  • A category called “substance-related disorders” would include not only drug and alcohol addiction, but also gambling addiction. Recognition of a “non-substance” addiction like gambling in this category would be a considerable shift.
  • Internet addiction might also be covered by this category, though subject to further research.
  • Compulsive sexual behaviour issues, including obsession with pornography, would come under the new definition of “hypersexual disorder”. This would apply to people who repetitively engage in sexual “fantasies, urges and behavior”, and who repeatedly try and fail to control or significantly reduce the urges and behaviour.

So “pornography addiction” and “sex addiction” don’t get definitions in their own right, but would be recognised as hypersexuality issues. One line from the proposed criteria for hypersexual disorder particularly leapt out at me:

“Repetitively engaging in these sexual fantasies, urges, and behavior in response to dysphoric mood states (e.g., anxiety, depression, boredom, irritability).”

Now all these proposals are still being fleshed out, and they’ll be field tested for some time. Many experts have argued against inclusion of behavioural or “non-substance” addictions in the DSM on the basis that we will focus too much on the “addiction” and not the real, underlying problems.

Psychoanalyst Todd Essig is bang on the nail:

Making bad choices, developing destructive habits, and attempting solutions to problems in living that then become serious problems themselves will all become less important as the locus of responsibility shifts from the person doing something to the something being done.

To my mind, addiction therapy is a two-pronged approach:

  • Help the person to directly address the behaviour; learn to develop an observing self that can notice and manage the specific trigger scenarios.
  • Explore and address any underlying issues or trauma.

The balance and combination of both approaches is what makes good therapy. So the proposed new definition and criteria looks useful, even if “hypersexual disorder” might seem a somewhat misleading title at first. While I still have reservations about “addictions” in the DSM, I’m pretty optimistic about the inclusion of compulsive porn behaviour in this way.

You can read (and comment on) the proposed “hypersexual disorder” DSM-5 revision. Todd Essig’s excellent article about “internet addiction” is here in full.

My escalating pornography habit, and determination to stop – S’s story

2010 February 23

I first began looking at porn when I was about 13 years old.  I was in the height of puberty. A friend of mine sent me a “hacker” (so-called) application for AIM, and among the files for this program I found some underage porn photos.  Of course, I was thirteen at the time, so these girls were still older than I was!  This led me to search on the internet.  This habit only intensified as the internet speed increased.

We got cable internet when I was in high school and it was like opening a flood gate.  There were times when I was engaged in a social life and I was not that frequently using pornography.  These, looking back, were the happiest times I remember.  But there were long periods, especially as time went on, when I would use pornography for masturbation daily, often several times.

The habit became problematic when I realized that I was becoming very selective about the material I was viewing.  When at first a single picture would bring a quick orgasm, at this point, I was spending up to several hours browsing before I could reach orgasm.  I was only around 16 or 17 at this time.

My first year of college, I spent around $500 on pay site subscriptions.  After that year, I discovered pirated video sites and was able to obtain hours worth of video for free, constantly.  At the end of my degree, I experienced a depression, which I am sure was brought on by a lack healthy relationships in my life.  During this time, oddly enough, I began to quit porn.  I think this was due to the fact that my depressed mind couldn’t bear the guilty feelings.  This depression persisted for about a year.

Then, I got a job (not a career) and spent my days working full-time or more.  At this job, I met a girl that I had a real connection with.  We began seeing each other and quickly realized that we something special. During this time, I stayed porn free, but the depression and anxiety I was feeling persisted full force.

Flash forward nine months.  I decide to go back to school and get a second degree, and the girl and I decide to get married.  We set the date for next September.  I began occasionally looking at porn during this time.  Sometimes I would look at things that I wouldn’t have dreamed of looking at before, such as gay porn and bestiality.  This brought on real worries.  But, mostly I would look at amateur posting sites.

Eventually, I discussed with her my constant sexual needs and she said that it was okay if I looked at some porn. However, I began to realize how like a drug porn was.  I began to think about the high feeling that I felt in my body and my mind during and after, and then the lacklustre feeling that would follow later on.  I began to notice the escalation and the longer and longer sessions of porn use.  I decided that it was time to quit.

That brings me up to the present.  I have been a week without porn.  I am tense.  My sleep has been disturbed.  I have tried masturbating without the porn a few times.  I was successful, but the act held none of the rush of good feelings that porn use held in the past.  I am resolved.  I will not go back.  I see that in the week without, I have become more honest in my relationships, and I have been looking for life in my actual life.  But it is damn hard, I have to say.  I have a confidence that this struggle will eventually pass and my life will be much richer for it.  But its still one of the hardest things I have faced in my life.  I am 25.  Though I still deal with anxiety, I haven’t felt the feeling of depression for several months.

Thank you S for this insight into your experiences with porn. It really is a heartfelt and thoughtful account.

Many people find that their porn surfing sessions become longer and more intense. And it feels more and more like acting on autopilot. A big part of us is bored and jaded by all the porn that we’ve trawled through. But the habit instinct leads us on anyway, feverishly searching for that image. So porn sessions take on a trance-like nature; feeling peculiarly numbed and aroused at the same time.

After a while, our body really doesn’t know how to respond. Orgasms become dulled and less intense, literally going through the motions. This becomes an empty and depressing ritual.

You make a very relevant point about your girlfriend too. It’s natural for partners to underestimate just how strong our attachment to porn is. So what if he looks at some sexy websites now and again? So they are open and cool about it. But our habit just gets a green light to indulge even more.

So I wish you the very best over the coming weeks. And it may take some weeks for your reward systems to adjust. You are switching off a coping behaviour that developed over many years. This is a tough experience.

Please do explore some of the advice on other posts of this blog, and put in place a simple action plan rather than white-knuckling this out. Arming yourself with some techniques for surfing urges and developing a rational, observing self can certainly make giving up porn a lot easier.

HOCD and gay porn addiction – am I straight or gay?

2010 February 20
by Jason

Hello,

I have just found this website and have found its contents extremely beneficial to the hell I have been enduring in the past 2 months.

Every waking day, I was having to question my sexual orientation, which I have identified as heterosexual since childhood up until now. However, amidst all this, deep inside I knew I was heterosexual and had strong urges to  be involved with women.

But this is where it gets complicated:

I am currently suffering from HOCD, a recent break-up, and my porn-addictions. The culmination of the 3 have brought me to the brink of madness.

Up until 2 months ago, I could get aroused by female pornography and anatomy. However, after compulsively masturbating for a few years, something clicked in my mind that it wasn’t cutting it any more, and I concluded that heterosexual sex has become boring. Then I began the downward spiral of misery of thinking and rechecking.

Now, I have been introduced to the concept of pegging via online as a great source of a mind-blowing orgasm, and I believe it has lent to the power of HOCD and gay porn.

It is alluring for me to fantasize as my ex-girlfriend, to feel what she is feeling and what she is going through. At the same time, I have been perhaps confusing or imagining engaging in an intercourse with a guy. Depending on which mindset I was in, vulnerable/insecure (perhaps role-playing) or confident, I could get off being sodomized and being completely taken over the control or be utterly repulsed and ashamed.

At this point in time, I am so lost that I don’t know what I am expressing is latent homosexuality or something else. How could imagining having sex with a guy get me off? Sometimes I get off at the idea of being with a guy while other times I am terribly repulsed. Yet, when I fantasize males going at it, or imagine myself passively engaged I get a huge rush of adrenaline and arousal while my mind objects.

Considering that my mind has been denying my homosexuality, I have tried to accept the fact that I may be gay or bisexual. However, this is not bringing much peace. Is this the effects of pornography + HOCD or do I need time to accept my sexuality? read more…

Porn addiction linked with anxiety and depression – study

2010 February 17

At the University of Sydney, research is taking place into effective treatment for porn addiction. Amongst the findings already reported:

  • 70% of men and 30% of women view pornography online
  • They come from all walks of life: students, teachers, lawyers, health practitioners and priests
  • There are a lot of issues related to family breakdowns
  • Porn addiction coexists with anxiety and depression

According to Dr Gomathi Sitharthan, who is leading the study:

Viewing porn online becomes a major problem only when people become so preoccupied that they spend 16 to 18 hours a day doing nothing else but watching porn, with serious impacts on relationships, work, studies, and finance.

Only when? I’d suggest that guys who watch porn for 25 minutes a day can still develop issues, but there’s no denying the negative impact on other aspects of their lives.

If you would like to participate in Dr Sitharthan’s survey, an online version can be found here